Wow! This was amazing and really touching. Everyone should watch this.
That is one thing I've learned, that it is possible to really understand things at certain points, and not be able to retain them, to be in utter confusion just a short while later. I used to think that once you really knew a thing, its truth would shine on forever. Now it's pretty obvious to me that more goes out with a bang when you try and call on it, just like a light bulb cracking off when you throw the switch. -Lucy Grealy from Truth and Beauty: A Friendship by Ann PatchettI think that this relates a lot to life in the church. It seems like whenever life becomes tough, we forget God, His teachings, and our testimonies. We tend to wander in darkness and think that we are following the path that He wants us to follow. Then we wake up and find out that we are utterly wrong and we find the truth again. I believe that we must always strive to hold on the the truth even though it is as fleeting as flipping a light switch or a light bulb burning out.
It is easy to forget and harder to remember.
It is easy to make wrong choices and harder to do what you need to to gain forgiveness.
I have been having interesting conversations with a lot of different people lately. Everybody is at different stages in their life and they see things differently than me. The other day I was talking to a dear girlfriend of mine and she brought up the subject of the fear of trying. Then another time I was talking to my best friend, Brady, and the topic came up. It keeps coming up with people I talk to, so I thought it would be a good topic to write about and share my thoughts with you.
I have noticed with others and myself that we are afraid to try to do something new. We are afraid to try something that is going to be hard and difficult It is interesting how it is a cake walk to not be afraid to try something that easy.
It makes me wonder what heaven was like then. Were we utterly without fear? We knew what our lives would entail, the trials that we would go through, and the difficulties we would face, but we still decided to come here on earth and face them. We had to have full faith in God and be utterly trusting of Him to come here to earth or else, we would have gone with Satan.
Where has this full faith and great trust gone? Have we lost it by the wayside? Has Satan gotten a hold of our minds and cause us to doubt God? I believe that a lot of us have lost our faith and trust in God. We think that we know what is right for us. In reality, God only knows what is best for us and I believe that He wants us to try to overcome the natural or "gay" man inside of all of us. I believe that SSA is another trial that is hard, but something that God wants us to overcome and that it is something that we can overcome.
Why are we afraid to try? I hear excuses that we do not want to hurt the woman you are dating. That is a bunch of bull crap! Women get hurt everyday by straight guys. Believe me, I know. I am a go to guy with a lot of my girlfriends when they are hurt, lonely, and sad. Then I hear other excuses that it is not natural. Well, the church teaches going against the natural man and getting rid of the natural, evil tendencies that we have. Then I hear other excuses that it is not worth it. It makes me wonder how it could not be worth it. God is preparing mansions for us and wanting us to become Gods. They only way that we can become Gods is by following His teachings and doctrines. There is no other way.
These excuses that come from fear to try. My bishop told me a story. I cannot remember who it was about (this really did happen, I promise), but this man lived his life everyday with the motto of "Just Do It!" He would say this motto every time he left his house, work, and whenever he needed a reminder. This motto meant to him that he would follow the Spirit and the church's teachings. If things got hard, he would tell himself to "just do it!"
I think that we should all take this motto upon us. We need to do it. We need to take the chances and risks that a lot of us are so afraid to do. We need to do what the church tells us and overcome the natural man inside of us. We need to stop being afraid of what is hard and put our trust in the Lord, like we did before we came here. We need to keep fighting the good fight and work on bettering ourselves. We need to unite ourselves to fight Satan and help others who are struggling because we cannot do it alone. Too many people get hurt and go off the deep end when they try to do it alone. We did not do it alone in the premortal life.
And they [this is all of the spirits on God's side, so us] overcame him [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. -Revelation 12:11Have faith and trust the Lord. We were once willing to die for our testimonies and I believe that we should be willing to sacrifice our "gay" part of ourselves to our beloved Savior and Redeemer and to our most gracious God.
-Pat Benatar, "All Fired Up"
I have been in love with Pat Benatar for a long time. She is pretty much amazing. This song hit me yesterday when it says that we live and learn from our mistakes and the deepest cuts are healed by faith. It is such true doctrine and I hope that we can all live, learn, and be healed by faith.
So please tell me if you like me or not. I do not care what you say, just be honest with me and speak your mind. That is what I always try to do so I hope that you will do this for me.
Do you like me?
Then I look at my experience here in the MoHo world. Why did I meet all of you and why do I keep writing? Well, I write for myself. I write what I see and I write what I think. I also write for others and I hope that they can gain a different perspective of someone who is happy in life and who is a member of the church, not of one who is struggling and who hates the church. People may not agree with it, but it is me. This is my blog and it is full of me. That's all.
It looks like everyone is starting to defend their decisions and trying to prove to me and to others it is right. I have seen a lot of negative impact because of this and I wonder if it was the right thing to do. I know that the Spirit has told me that it is right, but because I am not perfect I can still doubt the decisions I made to say what I said. I know that they were true though and I know that I am doing the right thing.
I am going to start using the scriptures more often in my posts. I think that this will be good for everyone, especially myself. This is for me.
I still have some posts that I am working on that are just my thoughts. I know for a fact that a lot of you will not agree with what I say, but that is ok because it is for me.
So why do I write? I write for me. It is for warnings, upliftings, thoughts, my understandings, and whatever else it might be, but it is for me. Hopefully, others might be able to use my thoughts and whatever else I decide to post, but that is not important to me. What is important is that I am doing this for me (have I emphasized this enough).
I do not know if any of you have noticed that I have been pulling out the MoHo world. Well, I am telling you that I am. The first step for me was stopping going to the Matis'. It then moved on to more drastic steps. I am lucky to keep this blog going because I have four others that I write for me and some other friends have the opportunity to read about my thoughts and about me.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you all do not have to defend your position because of what I say. It is just a way for me to notice things and strengthen myself. It is for me. Please do not think that I am attacking you or anyone else. I know a couple of my last posts have been directed out to the general public, but they were directed to me as much as it was to you all. I am not going to do this anymore. I am just going to write for me. There will be no direction involved and maybe, just maybe it can help some of you out there.
I feel like I am repeating myself a lot, but I hope that you get the point of my blog. It is for me!
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate - our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?
"You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
"And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
I know that one of my biggest problems is dropping my will, my wants, and my desires and then following God's will. I know that I used to be a lot worse at this, but I have noticed that I have been getting better the more I practice it. As I have noticed, it is quite comforting to start trusting the Lord and turning your life over to Him. You know that He will never lead you astray and that He will help you in your times of need. You know that He provides situations to challenge you and help you grow and in these situations, He has given you all of the tools to succeed and accomplish the task at hand. You know that everything that you go through is for you benefit. I have also noticed that you become more aware of your situations and the potentials hazards there are in them. Turning your life over to the Lord is a powerful tool to help you succeed, reach your potential, and gain every blessing that God sees fit to give you.
This past Sunday, I had a hard lesson in putting my trust in the Lord. At first, I had a melt-down and totally freaked out! I had no idea what to do or where to go from that point and I had lost all hope. I was basically lost. The more I started to think about my hopes, desires, dreams, wants, etc. from before that point, the more I noticed that they coincided with Church and it's teachings and doctrines. I then prostrated myself before God and prayed a long prayer. It was full of tears, but it was also full of hope and faith. I felt the Spirit so strongly. I soon found myself praying that I will have the strength and desire to do whatever the Lord wanted me to do, because He knows what will be best for me. All that I wanted to do was to serve Him. I gave myself up to God and I am continuing to give myself up to God. I am now trying to put Him first in my life, more so than I have in the past. Before this experience, I would sometimes put God first in my life, but I was easily distracted by friends, family, homework, school, work, and many other things. These things matter, but they are not as important as putting God first. God is what matters.
Note: My melt-down did not have anything to do SSA. It is related, but it was something completely different that I would not like to share in a public forum.
Most of the MoHos in Happy Valley are in their gay adolescence. I know that I have been through it and sometimes I fall back into it. I also know how hard it is to go through it. It is, as Salad and Drex like to call it, "the new and shiny phase." During this time, people meet other gay members of the church and get all excited. They feel welcome and like they can be themselves. Is this, however, where the problem lies? Nope. This is the good aspect of it because people are dealing with things and receiving the help that is needed. The problem lies in the next step of gay adolescence. It is where people start falling in "love" and experimenting with their feelings and new found freedom.
I just want to say that I believe that two men and two women can fall in love like a man and a woman can fall in love. Do I agree with it? No I do not because I have been taught that it is against the teachings of the church. Do I accept it and allow people to have their freedom? Yes I do because everybody should have their choices in life so that they can learn and grow or ruin their salvation by the choices they make.
Ok, sorry to get off of track, but I thought that would be the best place to throw that in there. So in gay adolescence, people say that they are like a 13 or 14 year old straight person discovering boys or girls for the first time. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that. I do feel like that is a good definition. The problem with that is that people use that definition to start justifying their actions.
A 13 or 14 year old might just hold hands with the person that they "love." Then they might even get the courage up to kiss the other person. This is all that they might possibly do. We, on the other hand, are not 13 and 14 year olds. Our bodies are more developed and our sex drives are a lot stronger than 13 and 14 year olds. This causes problems because people end up doing things that they should not be doing. I have heard stories from a lot of people about how it just started out with kissing, it went to rubbing, it went to hand jobs, it went to blow jobs, and then ended up in sex. It usually does not go are far as sex or blow jobs, but people justify the other actions by saying that they are in their gay adolescence and that they are just experimenting like straight people do as a 13 or 14 year old. This is absolutely wrong! 13 and 14 year olds do not do this!
This is something that is serious and it should not be played around with! A lot of you are endowed in the temple and you have made temple covenants. How can you just throw them away? Are they no longer important to you because you are back in your "adolescence" stage? I have yet to go to the temple so I do not know everything that happens there and I do not know all of the covenants that are made there. I do know, however, that they are important and breaking them means big problems.
We are all adults here (some might not consider me an adult, but I do). We have more responsibilities than 13 and 14 year olds and the consequences are a lot harsher too. Gay adolescence might be a stage that MoHos go through, but it does not need to go as far as it is going. So as Drex said, "Grow up."
I have heard this or something similar to it throughout the MoHo world many times. Could it be because you are finally attracted to someone or that you connect with them on a deeper level than you have ever connected with anyone before? The answer is YES!!!!
The danger of all of this is the fact that this so-called "love" is most likely not love at all. It is lust. I have seen, heard, and talked to many MoHos that have fallen in "love" in a week or a couple of days. These MoHos usually tell each other that they love one another and then it moves quickly. It starts with snuggling and cuddling. Then it can move on to rubbing and touching. Then they start to kiss and sleep with one another. This then allows for very compromising situations and it usually ends up with the "lovers" doing things that will cause them to have to talk to their prospective bishops. All of this can happen in a matter of days or weeks and in my opinion, this NOT love, but rather lust!
I am going to compare this type of relationship with the relationship of Jamie and Landon in the movie, A Walk to Remember. For those of you who have not seen this movie, it is a definite must because it shows true love perfectly. In A Walk to Remember, Landon and Jamie start out to have absolutely nothing in common and they come from completely different worlds. Landon cares about looking cool and his reputation while Jamie cares about who she is and she does not care what others think of her. After a series of events, Landon ends up spending a lot of time with Jamie. They soon start getting close and they become really good friends. Then Landon does some stupid things that hurts Jamie. He soon realizes that he is hurting because he has hurt her. Landon wants do anything to make her feel better. They soon mend their relationship and start to date. Landon is so sweet. He helps her accomplish some of her life goals and he protects her from the rest of the student body who makes fun of her constantly. He no longer cares about his reputation. He only cares about her and her happiness. Jamie decides to tell Landon that she has leukemia. Landon could have cut and run, but he did not. He stays with her to the end and actually marries her.
They have a perfect love for each other and it is definitely not lust. Their relationship is something more. It is not about sex, making out, and whatever else could happen between them. Those aspects are not even a big part in their relationship. It is about getting to know each other and making each other happy. It eventually becomes all about marriage and that is something that is a healthy step in any relationship that is about the perfect and pure love.
Then you also see the "older" (from Beck) MoHos and a recent "young" MoHo (Drex) get married. The "older" MoHos have a true love for their wives too. They would never do any "gay" actions to hurt their wife and ruin their marriage. Drex and Salad are a good example of people our age finding true love. I see how much they love each other, how they support each other, and how they try not to do anything to hurt one another. These are more examples of true love. Just talk to any of them and you can see the pure love that they have for each other.
There are also straight Mormon couples in our lives who are true and faithful to one another. They go through their dating and engagement periods without doing anything. They make it to the temple and they get married. Then they are allowed to perform the sacred action of procreation together. If a straight Mormon couple was having sex or doing any sort of promiscuous things before marriage, they would not go to the temple. This is definitely not true love for one another if they are Mormon. They are most likely lusting after each other. My guess that a lot of us would be disgusted with this, so why should we have a double standard when it comes to us?
I know a lot of MoHos who look down upon those who only get married because of looks and the desire for sex. Then they go off and do their own things. This can get them in trouble with the church, but they do not seem to care. This is very hypocritical, in my opinion. You should hold the same standards that you hold for others. Just because you deal with same-sex attraction does not mean that you have different standards. You need to find true love instead of lust too!
I personally do not hold any bad feelings to any of you that choose another path than the church. I suggest that you find a true and pure love like Jamie and Landon, the MoHos that have gotten married, and the straight couples who do not do anything until they are married have. If you lust after another guy, do things that are not up to church standards, and then want to get back in the church again, I can truthfully say that it is a hard road back. If you truly love someone you would try to do everything in your power to NEVER hurt them (this in my opinion is doing things that can hurt their standards in the church and pushing them away from the teachings of the church)! Think about what you are doing and think about your "love" for this other person. Take it slow and see if it is really what you both want. Do not rush into your lust for one another and be careful not to become MoHo whores or I guess MoHoHos (thanks Drex).
This does not change my feelings on the relaxed state of the MoHo world. I know a lot of you personally and I know that a lot of you want to stay true to the church. Why stay in this relaxed state and hurt your chance for salvation? Things need to change. I am fine with snuggling and what not, but NCMOs and other actions that go too far are not good because they lead to feelings for one another and then into these lust relationships and then MoHoHos. Be careful and think about what you are doing.
Do not do anything that would ever hurt the one that you "love!"
Note: I made a few changes in the blog thanks to McKenzie. I would just like to apologize for saying that those who are promiscuous before marriage do not have true love for each other. I think that this is only true if they are Mormon because they are working on a Celestial marriage and premarital relations are not allowed (they cause damage and are not good). In writing this blog I was thinking only about Mormons and not others so if I offended anyone, including you McKenzie, I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.
The Spirit works and moves in mysterious ways. Some of the things it tell us to do is sometimes really strange, hard, easy, out of the way, and just plain crazy. I have been sitting on a lot of topics that I have wanted to post for a long time. I was always too scared to do this though. I did not know how they would turn out and how people would react to them. So I never posted them.
Then the other day, I got the impression to post them. The Spirit told me that I needed to start posting them now and not stop until I got out everything that I wanted to say. I do not know why I am supposed to post some of the things that I need to, but I do know that the Spirit has told me to post them. There are more in the making and you all will probably consider them many times less harsh than the first one.
I wonder if these posts will bring any good or if they are just for me.
PS I guess they brought some good because we have a new blog that popped up yesterday that some of you may have noticed. Check it out!
I was first introduced the MoHo world last year in February. I met my first MoHo that month and then within in month, I met about 10 MoHos. Then I met more and more. There were a few of the MoHos that pushed and pulled at the standards set but most of them were trying to stay strong in the church. There were a couple of people that really pushed me and tried to get me to hook up with them. I was not in the best period of my life then and I did whore myself out to someone. I did not want to do that. I had no intention of ever doing that, but it just happened. I got over whoring myself out and fell in love with someone that I really cared about and who cared about me. Brady and I started to date.
Dating Brady was interesting. We really did not do anything for a couple months. For a long time it was holding hands and snuggling (I do mean that it was a long time). Then after a long while, it went to kissing, but we were still unsure about that. Then we broke up.
For a long time after that, I really wanted another relationship. I had some offers from so people and I did do some NCMOs. I basically became a MoHo whore (something that I am not proud of). Then some things changed in my life. I did not want to do that. It took some time, but I turned back into a MoHo and lost the whore part.
Then I sort of backed out of the MoHo world. I found some straight friends and I started to date more often. I developed into someone new. Then I decided to pop back into the MoHo world. I soon began to be pushed again. I was actually being pushed harder than ever. There were more people who were willing to push and do things. It became harder to stay true. I again fell and became a MoHo whore. This only lasted a little while before I realized what I was doing. I backed out again.
I have been backing in and out of the MoHo world for a while now. The reason for this is because I love all of you dearly but then at the same time I do not want to be put in a compromising situation. I am working on a mission and I cannot slip up any time soon. I am starting my papers really soon and I cannot do anything and I mean ANYTHING!!!!
This is not my only basis for what I have said. I have talked to several friends about this too. One friend has actually told me that he felt like he has become a whore. Then he asked me if becoming a Homo was the next step. As you can see, this is not only my theory! A lot of people are worried about it. I am worried about it too. That is why I decided to be brave and say something. I am making my stand and I am going to say my mind. If you do not like it, I am sorry, but I feel like I need to do this (this is also my blog and I can write what I want to write). I am also not trying to be self-righteous by writing this because as you can see, I have been there and experienced my theory.
PS I got a lot of comments on my last post about how there are still MoHos trying to be living righteous out there and what not. I do believe that and I do support all of you that are trying. My question is what happened to posting? Many people emailed me and said that even though there are people trying to be righteous out there, they have slowed down on posting or they have basically stopped posting altogether. These are just some thoughts...
Quite frankly, it now seems to be the path from MoHo to MoHo whore to Homo. This is no good. It is now a place for people to find each other and hook up. It has also become really relaxed about every issue with the church and nobody is concerned with this!
I have been attacked on several occasions from people who I considered my friends because I expressed my beliefs. These did not come through posts on a blog but rather through nasty emails.
It just is not the same anymore. I wish that it was back to normal...
"'I don't know that I'm making up for anything,' he disagreed lightly. 'Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given.'
"'I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire.' He grinned, knowing how their casual use of that word never failed to shock me. 'But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit,' he continued in an offhand voice. 'By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying.'"
-An excerpt from New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer (pp. 35-37)
All that I can say is wow! I really connected with the passage in the novel. It touched me spiritually and let me know that I am doing the right thing by staying in the church. It is always nice to get this revelation every once in awhile.
Bella really hit me hard with the question, "What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good." Then I loved Dr. Carlisle Cullen's response, "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given."
This is so true in my life. I have made my decision and I do not think that I will back down from it (only time can tell if this is true, but it seems like it will never happen). I decided to stay in the church and at the same time deal with SSA. Instead of "going gay" and leaving the church for good. Like Carlisle, I believe that there is a greater purpose in my life and I will be able to handle my purpose in life because of the trials that I have gone through with SSA. We will get credit for trying and we will be blessed.
Never give up hope. God loves you because of who you are and what you can do. Sure you may make some mistakes every now and then, but it is for your betterment. You will grow and become what God wants you to become as long as you put your faith and trust in him.
Remember that God will always love you because you are his child; no matter what you have decided to do with your life with what you have been given. He loves you...
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
God will love us no matter what happens to us, always remember that! He will be there for you in the hardest of times, He has been there for you in the hardest of times, and He is here right now for you. You just have to call upon His holy name and He will help you because He loves you.
I want a place where I truly fit in. A place where I do not have to worry about being hurt, afraid, lonely, depressed, made fun of, and sick. A place where I can be myself, love the Lord, have friends, sing songs, go shopping, have happiness in life, stay true to the Lord, be pleased with my life, and get what I need to get done.
I want to have the answers I am seeking (I am not going to go into detail on the questions I have).
I want to have someone who truly understands me and my situation.
I want to be married in the temple to the love of my life and have her wake up in my arms each and every morning.
I want to have children of my own, made from my flesh and blood.
I want to be the best father and husband I can be for my future wife and children.
I want to have spiritual experiences and a strong testimony.
I want to have the courage to do whatever the Lord tells me to do.
I want to practice faith and show my devotion to the Lord.
I want to give the world as much as I can give.
I want to serve and honorable full-time mission.
I want to hold a temple recommend every single day of my life.
I want to be a neurosurgeon.
I want to help loved ones, those who are close to me, and anyone who needs help.
I want to develop my God given talents.
I want to be righteous so that I can fulfill my purpose here in life.
I want to be worthy whenever someone asks me to give them a Priesthood blessing.
I want so much but I have to be willing to give up a lot and show the Lord my true devotion to Him. God never said that life here on earth was going to be easy. He has given me SSA for a reason. I do not know why, but I have some inklings of what it might be. This is the trial of my faith and I hope that I can prove myself worthy to God to gain all that I want.
I want all of you to know that I have a strong testimony of Jesus Christ. I know that the power of the atonement is real. It truly works and you will be forgiven of your sins. I also want you all to know that even though your struggles might seem hard right now, it is worth it in the end. You will have learned so much and you will have grown so much, as long as you stick to the teachings of the Church. I know that I have a special purpose here in life and I know that you all have a special purpose here in life. Do not be afraid to do what you know is right and have faith in God because He will never lead you astray and He will show you your true purpose in life.
For more on my testimony, read my first post...
I was having the best day that I have ever had in a long time, but then it was totally ruined.
I saw her today, briefly, during class break. We both decided that we are way too busy with midterms, projects, and life in general to go out this weekend. We, however, decided that we are going out/hanging out after midterms. I miss hanging out with her and seeing her smiling face. She brings me so much joy. I like her a lot and I know that she likes me. I wonder if it will go anywhere...
I had an interesting lunch a couple of Saturdays ago between sessions of General Conference with Caitlin. I have not seen Caitlin for about 5 months! It was insane! The last time that I saw her was when I attempted to kiss her (I wish that I would have never made this attempt because we are just really good friends and we already broke up once. Why did I bring it up again? I do not know). We were really great friends we had been in close proximity for 2 months, but we never hung out.
When I went to pick her up for lunch, I was kind of scared that it was going to be kind of awkward since the last time we saw each other is when I tried to kiss her. It, however, was not awkward for me at all! I hope it was not awkward for her at all. We had a good time at Jason's Deli. We sat there talking for 2 hours and we decided that we better leave so we could watch General Conference. I stayed at her place to watch General Conference with her and we both kind of feel asleep a couple of times. Oh well, it happens! I felt like our friendship is still strong and I hope to hang out with her again soon, because I miss hanging out with her. She is pretty much fabulously amazing!
Things are getting better in life and I hope that shopping this weekend is going to cheer me up! I love shopping and Hilary Duff!
Well, I thought that some people might like to know, so I am going to tell all of you. My new name Therapevo Ydata means "Healing Waters" in Greek. Why did I choose to be known as "Healing Waters?" Well, it is because I am utterly fascinated with water. Water also has so many properties and it brings back good memories for me. It also reminds me of the waters of baptism (the cleansing and healing within) and the cleansing pools where Christ healed the man waiting for the waters to be moved. With the healing, I want to be a doctor and healing and helping people have always been on my mind. Healing is also very important to me because Christ has many times healed my broken heart and has forgiven me.
I thought that Therapevo Ydata seemed really fitting because of who I am and my testimony of Christ.
I have been not in the best moods lately. I have also been listening to Hilary Duff everywhere I go. I just cannot help to love this song and share it with others (I have probably listened to this 20 times in the past week). It is amazing and it has helped me in my hard times. Listen to the lyrics and I hope that it will touch you as it has touched me.
PS It is your time to fly...
This is an amazing group and I love this song! Listen to the song and hopefully it will speak to you as much as it speaks to me.
I am lost on this, but I do feel like I am from another planet and that I do not fit in anymore. Any advice or hints of the cause?
In other news, I am very sick and depressed. That is all.
Why is it so easy to become dependent on something, but so hard to not be dependent on something?
I need to work on having a better balance in my life and not depending on one thing too much.
PS This is my fiftieth post!
What does this have to do with my life? Well, I think that it has to deal with many aspects of my life. I look back at my life and its development. It is unique because of the time period, how you deal with things at that time, and where you are spiritually. As I have recently been looking at my life right now, I have been considering why I feel like I am going nowhere. I found an answer at the Priesthood Session of General Conference.
As I said in an earlier post, the doctrine of always raising the bar hit me really hard. It was kind of like a slap in the face. During the summer, I received some great inspiration and I stuck with that inspiration. I worked on doing what I was supposed to and what God was telling me to do. Then when the school year was about to start and when it started, I was sort of in a funk. Things did not feel the same (my clothes were not so flashy anymore) and I wanted and needed something more.
I soon found out that I needed to raise the bar. I need to do this because I felt spiritually hindered and that I was not going anywhere. I was just stuck in a state of no improvement. I needed to challenge myself spiritually (read scriptures more often, pray more often, etc.) to gain more confidence in myself and God. Thus causing my spiritual growth once again. I will tell you right now that I feel like I am growing again and that I am out the funk that I was in. I am not so depressed and I am slowly getting over a big problem that I am still struggling with.
I now have my new clothes and I am going to wear them as much as I can. I am also going to try to keep them as nice as they can for a while. I now know that they will eventually wear out and that they will need to be replaced with something bigger and better.
1. Swimming, because there is nothing better than pushing yourself to your limits, feeling dead after you do it, and feeling sense of accomplishment.
2. Shopping, because nothing beats good clothes and the new clothes' smell.
3. Singing, because it is ever so much fun to blast music on the stereo and sing-a-long to it.
4. Cooking, because nothing tastes better than a good home cooked meal.
5. Scary Movies, because you get a thrill and a laugh.
6. Chick Flicks, because they make me laugh and the stories are usually magnificent.
7. Final Fantasy X, because it is a good get-a-way for me.
8. Laughing, because having a good laugh always makes you feel better.
9. Meeting New People, because there is always a mystery of how things are going to turn out.
10. Talking to my Parents, because they always know the right things to say and they are usually very supporting.
11. Receiving a Blessing from a Good Friend, because they always seem to know you pretty well and they always know the right things to say.
12. Wearing Good Cologne, because it is always nice to get compliments on how nice you smell.
13. Walking, Swimming, Running, and Biking in the Rain, because it feel so refreshing and it is not something that you can do everyday.
14. Wearing the Color Green, because it is my favorite color and I also look amazing in it!
15. Getting a Big Hug, because it always makes you feel a little bit better.
16. Going Clubbing (Especially 80's Dancing), because it is fun, full of aerobic exercise, friends are there, and you can meet new people.
17. Getting a Good Grade on a Test, because nothing says accomplishment like an "A."
18. Talking with Relatives, because there are so many different memories and things that you can talk about.
19. Having an Annoying Brother, because there is never a dull moment in my house.
20. Having Good Friends, because I know that they care about me and that they like me for me.
I think that it will be helpful for me to consider myself this way from now on...
It was originally named "The Unknown Path" because I was still unsure about what route in life I was going to take. There were a lot of questions in my mind about what was the right thing to do and what I truly want in life.
This past summer, I discovered many answers and found the path that I should be taking. The way opened up before me and certain events in my life started to show me that the path was opening up for me. My life changed, I changed, and something great started to grow inside of me.
As the subtitle of my blog it says, "My path is no longer a mystery. It is before me and open. I just need to have the courage to take it..."
Elder Perry started it off with a very profound talk on raising the bar. I started to feel during his talk that I have reached a certain level in my life and I have just been sitting there for a while now, probably about a month. I now feel like it is time to raise the bar higher for myself so I can grow and progress some more. By the way, I loved his analogy of his son and high jumping! It was great and really reminded me of swimming.
Elder Perry's talk set the mood for the rest of the night. Other speakers spoke on how to better your life and what to stay away from. I love the analogy of preparing before the earthquake/trial strikes (I do not remember who said this).
The other talk that had a huge effect on me was President Eyering's. It was just amazing! He told us to remember what we had gone through in the past and us that to help us get through what we are going through now. Remember the mercy of God, remember the sacrifice of Jesus, remember what you have accomplished, remember that God has always been there in the past, He is here is right now, and He will always be here for us. It was great!
There is so much that I want to write about, but I cannot because I am afraid to share...
What idols do you, the world, and I worship? Well, a lot of us have been taught that idols in our time can be almost anything that takes away from the Spirit and causes us not to concentrate on God. Idols can be everything and anything you make them to be. This got me thinking, as a lot of things do.
Could fostering thoughts about a homosexual relationship be an idol? I think so because it is something that takes away from the Spirit, it is not the path we are supposed to be on, and we do not concentrate on God and His Plan of Salvation. We are looking at an alternative lifestyle and it is not one that God prescribes. This is singing idol in my book! How are we supposed to work on a Celestial marriage if we are constantly hoping for a relationship with a guy? How are we supposed to reach the Celestial Kingdom with a guy? How are we supposed to be happy forever if we worshiped the idol down here on earth and then we go to heaven knowing that?
I realize that some people might justify these thoughts by saying that God gave them to me, but one must also realize that in ancient Israel, God also allowed them to have idols to test to see if they would serve him or the idols. Who will you serve? God or your idols?
There will be up and coming post on this topic. I just wanted to get this off my chest.
There have been a lot of things on my mind lately. I have been extremely happy. In fact, this is one of the happiest times of my life! I am truly enjoying life and it feels like nothing can get me down (I will write about why I feel so happy at a later date, but I promise that it is coming soon).
This past Sunday, as a lot of you already know, it was fast Sunday. Usually I get some good insights out of fast and testimony meeting, but this time I received an unusually profound witness of things that have been on my mind. There was a girl who read something in second Nephi (I do not remember the chapter or verse). She then went on to say that she started to ask herself what she truly desired. She received the answers she was looking for and then tried to do them. She has felt that things are going better for her and that God is blessing her because she is working on obtaining her true desires.
Following her example, I did the same. All throughout church, I started to ask myself the thoughts that were on my mind. “What doth thou desire Gimple? Doth thou desire a gay lifetime partnership with a man?” The Spirit immediately left me. I took this to be a no. After asking a lot more questions to myself and getting yes and no answers by the Spirit coming and going, I asked myself, “What doth thou truly desire Gimple? Doth thou truly desire eternal life?” I was so overwhelmed by the Spirit that I almost started to cry. I truly know that I desire eternal life and that I need to do certain things to obtain it. I know what these things are and so does God. The hardest part is trying not to do the things that I know I should not be doing.
Half of us got there really early and were the only ones on the dance floor. It was so much fun and cooler to be the only ones on the dance floor. Dancing Queen impressed me with some of her moves and then I impressed her with some of my moves. He had so much fun dancing together. The night got all hot and sweaty, but we did not care because 80's dancing was so worth it! We stayed until about 1 and then headed to 7/11 for slurpies! They were delicious. I then took my girls home and went to bed.
Today I promised Dancing Queen that I would take her out to dinner before she went to work. So I took her out and we had great conversation for a couple of hours. We then had to speed off really quickly so she could get to work on time. I think that I am really starting to fall for her and I think that she is starting to fall for me! :) She is a great woman that loves to laugh and have a good time. I am hoping to date her more often this year and I hope that we can always be friends. I love my Dancing Queen!
PS I have decided to stay... :)
I am asking you all your opinion. Should I stay or should I go? I would like emails, comments, or any other method to portray your thoughts and feelings to me. Have I helped you? Have I given you insights? Do you want to continue to hear from me?
Please let me know or else I will probably just stop writing without any of your input.
I thought that I would quickly write an update of my life. First, I would like to apologize for not reading or commenting on others blogs. I have a feeling that I have a lot of catching up to do!
I just want to say that I have never been happier! I feel like I am getting back to my old self (one that most of you do not know). I have not felt this way in a long time (probably not since I have been in elementary school). This is a true happiness, not a fake one that lasts a day or one that I pretend to have. I am truly happy. My life has changed a lot. I rarely get lonely anymore. I know that I have people who love and care about me. I have the Spirit with me most of the time. Everything just seems to be going my way.
To top it all off, I think that I have fully accepted me being gay and not caring what people think anymore. I thought that I fully accepted it before, but now that I look back, I realize that I had not. Now, I will be myself with anyone, including my swimmers. I will not say that guy is cute or I want some action with him (I continue to hide that), but I just be myself. I have become more open with everyone than I have ever been before. It is great and life is great!
I hope that everyone is doing well and I do not really know when I am going to start blogging again. I am thinking that it will probably be after finals next week or maybe not until September. I will just have to see how I am feeling.
The picture above is of good times that I have had with my swim team. I remember that I was really happy at that time, but it did not last. I think that this happiness that I am feeling is going to last for a long time. I am as happy as "the head" is right now...
Here is a little rant for y'all. I have only really been writing depressing posts because those are the ones I need to get out and off my chest. My life is mostly great and I love it a lot. There are just some hard times. One thing that really bothers me is when people comment or email that I should think about going on pills. Personally, I do not think pills will help me. Sure I have ups and downs, but it is a natural part of life. I am not depressed all the time! My counselor has told me that I am perfectly fine psychologically and that I am just a normal person. So please quit telling me that I need pills!
That is all. I am done for awhile and I hope that when I get back you will read my blog again.
I think what contributed to my loneliness was no update in getting my friend. The bishop was out of town two Sundays ago. I was supposed to get my friend, or at least I think I was. I still have not gotten him. I feel like the bishop has just left me in the dust. It seems as if he does not care about me anymore. He has not called me into his office and he has not called me on my phone in a long time. I feel like I have been beaten up by getting my hopes up and left in the ditch to die. It is not really fun.
What also contributed to these feelings was that my EQ President did not call me all last week. He finally called me on Saturday, but I was really angry at him so I did not answer the phone. He left a message that I listened to and it was as if he felt like he had been there the whole time. I texted him and told him that I was busy and could not talk or do anything with him tonight (I was not lying). He then wanted to talk to me yesterday. I was not going to be at church so he set up an appointment with me to talk. My home teachers also scheduled to come over. The home teachers were supposed to be there thirty minutes before my EQ President arrived. They did not show up until after my EQ President, so we did not get to talk. He told me to come to Ward Prayer and then we could talk afterwards. This, however, did not happen. I texted him again letting him know that I was free to talk and that I would be waiting for him. He did not text me back until midnight. He perpetuated the feelings that I have been feeling because of the lack of support from my bishop.
In short, I am extremely lonely. I have great friends, but for some reason I continue to feel lonely. I do not know why. I have tried to get rid of this loneliness, but it comes and goes with the situations I am in. I also feel like I have been forgotten by a lot of my friends. I guess this is the update of the experiment and my life.
Today as I have been sitting in the Cougareat eating lunch, doing homework, and watching people (this is one of my favorite past times), I saw this one guy from my ward. Lately I have been seeing him all the time. I do not know his name, but I recognize him. As I was looking at hi today, I was overcome by the spirit. I felt that God had an immense love for me and that he wanted me to succeed in life. I stopped looking at this guy and the feeling went away. I looked over at him periodically and I kept feeling the spirit very strongly. Is he the one who is supposed to be my friend? It boggles my mind if he is because I have been looking and watching his movements while I have been eating lunch this whole semester. It will be interesting to see who gets chosen.
PS I realized that this sounds really creepy that I like to watch people and that I have been watching this guy for this whole semester. I promise that I am not a stalker. I just like to watch people that intrigue me and he intrigues me.
I headed up to the bishop's office after Sunday School and sat down with him across from me. He told me that we were going to wait for one other person. It felt like it took a century for someone to knock on the door. At this time, I was freaking out. I had never been so scared in my whole life. Then in walks the EQ President. I was told by the bishop that he wanted me to tell the EQ President about everything i.e. my situation, my struggles, what I am going through everyday, etc. Then he said that this will give the both of them the best idea of who they need to select to be my friend. This freaked me out because I thought I would only have to tell one other person, not two! I started out and I cried like a big baby. I spilled everything and could not stop crying. I spent the first hour talking and crying.
In the following thirty minutes, I was able to calm down and hold my own. The things that the bishop and EQ President said to me in those last thirty minutes were really profound. The bishop started crying. This is the first time that I have ever seen a bishop cry in a personal setting. He told me that he feels really strongly about me. He told me that he felt that he needs to help me now and not wait for some other bishop to take control of me in the Fall. He is willing to do anything for me up until the moment I leave and even after that if I ever wanted to talk to him again. It was really nice to know that someone really cares for me and my salvation that much. He said that he could not wait for me to fall, slip through the cracks, or leave and never look back. He could never forgive himself if he did that and remember that he was cry during this whole time. It was very touching.
The EQ President told me that he has a deep respect for me and my courage to do what I am doing. He definitely did not understand what I was going through, but he had respect for me. That was touching to know. He was amazed that I could live my life the way that I do everyday and to do so well. He did not think that he could ever live with the constant inner struggle that most of us go through everyday of our lives. He was also really surprised that I could play it off like everything is fine and have nobody really notice. He offered his services to me at any time and he told me that he was going to check up on me every once in awhile. He also wants to learn more about it, so I might introduce him to my blog and/or take him to the Matis'. I will have to see.
Both of these leaders are really supportive and I am glad that I was thrown into this experiment. I think that it is going to work out well and if I could get another person like my bishop and EQ President. I hope this does not come out like I am giving up on the rest of my friends here in the MoHo world. I would never do that. It is just really nice to have the support of some good straight "friends!"
- All right, here are the rules.
- We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
- Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
- People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
- At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
- I have been a swimmer for 7 years (if it isn't obvious by all of my pictures). In that time, I have been a state champion multiple times, hold the 100 back record for my high school, been a team captain for 3 years, been a Far Western champion, been to Sectionals and placed in the top 16, qualified for Junior Nationals, and tried out for the BYU Men's Swim Team (I didn't make the team, but I was the last person cut from the team).
- My senior year of high school, I was pretty much an ultra-nerd! I was president of the Calculus Club, Phun Physics Phriday Club, and HOSA (Health Occupations Students of America). I was also a member of the Pajama Pants Tuesday Club and a member of NHS. I am sure I was in other clubs, but these are the ones I remember the most.
- I own five thongs decorated with hearts, kissed, and whatever else you want to think about. Last year, I was a coach for my high school (I am going to be coach again next year) and my swimmers thought it would be fun to buy me thongs and decorate them. I had to wear them to every meet or else the whole team would freak out. It was fun. :)
- When I was little, all of my best friends were girls and I would play Barbies with them all the time. In fact, I did not stop playing with them until I was eight!
- If I have the opportunity to play with dead animals or humans, I take the chance. What I mean playing with dead animals and humans is that I enjoy dissecting them! It is one of my favorite past times. Slicing into something that used to be living and looking at its' insides is amazing! I love it!
- I have been a drag queen for a couple of hours. I dressed up like an old woman for a presentation in one of my classes in Fall semester and I got a girl's phone number out of it. Now, I am really good friends with her and who knows, it might turn into something more.
- I am in love with the T.V. show Alias! It has so many hot people in it. It mad me really sad when it ended after five seasons... I miss you Alias!
- I used to play football and I played on the defensive and offensive line. It is really ironic because I was one of the smallest people on the team and I was on the line. I, however, was one of the hardest hitters and I would never give up, even if the other person was huge. I was really good at football and I made few of people cry because of how hard I hit them. I actually made a person quit the team (by accident). It was a lot of fun, but I loved swimming more so I quit. (I think the reason why I hit people so hard was because it was a way to get my anger at life out and let me tell you I had a lot for a twelve, thirteen, and fourteen year old).
A lot of people seem to think that I am just sitting here doing nothing, hoping and waiting for things to get better. This would also imply that I am trying to hide from my problems and not work on them. This, however, is not the case. Despite my changing moods, I am always proactively striving to better my life and the situation I am in. There are many times that I would like to give up trying. I know that I cannot do this. There are other times that I want God to make everything better, but I know that most of the time he will not. I cannot sit waiting for God to better my life. I have to work to make my life better. God can only do so much. He loves us and wants to help us, but He knows that He cannot always help us or else we will never learn.
I loved Charlie's comment on my last post. She told me that I should be looking for a ray of hope and that in times of her trouble, she tells herself that she is not as great as Joseph or Job. I totally agree with what she told me. We all need to look and hope for something better. If we did not, we would never progress and we would stay in the state that we are in, unless God intervenes (that usually does not happen). I am also definitely not as great as Joseph Smith, Job, and I would like to add the Savior. They did and learned so much in their trials. I would love it if I could have as much knowledge as they gained here on the earth. God taught them through trials, just like he is teaching me and all of you out there. Good luck in your trials and I hope everyone can look for the ray of hope Charlie talked to me about.
God, what am I supposed to do to fill this void?
PS My attitude towards this experiment has changed a lot. I am really excited to participate in it! This new attitude came because of the efforts of AtP, Salad, Brady, and a few other supporters out there.
Talking with him last night was really kind of weird. Everything that we have been trying has not really helped me out, except for one of his new ideas last night. I am still having the same problems and I keep falling into the same pitfalls. I am not going to tell you what my problems are and what I have to do to help me get away from them, but I will tell you about his crazy experiment that he wants me to try.
His experiment involves enlisting a guy from our ward to be my close friend. I know what you are thinking, a forced friendship, hooray! It is something that we all want in this life, NOT! This friendship is different though. The bishop and Elder's Quorum President is going to pray and find someone special for me. He is going to know that I need some help. Our first meeting as "friends" is going to be with the bishop. In this meeting, I am going to tell this "friend" pretty much everything about myself and my dealing with "SSA" or being gay. This "friend" is supposed to try to be there whenever he can for me. I am supposed to call him when I need help, when I need to talk, or when I just need a friend. My bishop wants me to have other friends who know about my situation who are not gay. It is going to be interesting to see how this experiment works out.
Last night, I was really scared and told him no. I was in tears the whole time he was telling me this. I felt like I could never tell someone who I did not know at all. I have already been hurt enough lately and I did not think that I could handle more hurt by having someone know who I did not trust. I eventually got over this through reading the scriptures, praying, and talking to Brady. I called my bishop today and told him that I am willing to give it a try. To be honest, I am really scared and excited at the same time. Brady told me today that people say when you follow a Priesthood leader, you cannot go too wrong. I am hoping that he is right!
Last night we went to Costa Vida for dinner and had great conversation about many random and fun topics. We then headed to the Scera Shell Outdoor Theater to see Ragtime. Yes, it was a musical and I guess that makes my gayness obvious! I do not care though! I had a great time and really enjoyed the whole production of it.
When we first got there, we watched little children running up to the stage and playing games. There was also a woman with down's syndrome yelling at them. It was a really funny and cute situation. The director came out on stage to introduce the production and Salad pegged him as gay, I concurred. The whole rest of the musical we ended up pegging a couple of others. Salad also believes that the whole black population in Utah County was in this play and I would have to say that almost the whole black population was in this musical. These are not the points that I wanted to bring up though. I found the musical to be a very spiritual experience for me.
I felt the inklings of the spirit in the first half of the musical. It mainly happened when they were talking about walking into the darkness together to find the light. Then at the very end, it talked about how everyone has a purpose here in life and that we should not waste our life in darkness, never fulfilling our purpose. This really hit me as something that I must do. There might be times in my life where I get discouraged and want to do things that I should not. I just need to remember that God has a plan and a purpose for me. I must do my best to fulfill that purpose! We all need to fulfill our purposes. We have SSA for a reason and hopefully we will not stay in darkness, never fulfilling our purposes.
Seeing the musical with Salad could not have happened at a better time in my life! Drex, thanks for letting me date/take care of Salad!
Happy hugging and hugs for all!
In the hot tub, it was hot, steamy, and sweaty, but it was from the heat of course! ;) We had a great time talking about nothing and everything at the same time. I got to know new people and some older friends better. I had a great time chatting in the hot tub with them and then there was a leg orgy in the hot tub, but that needs a whole post on its own! We got bored with the hot tub and decided to go pool hopping. We headed to another pool and hot tub and partied! We messed around and talked some more. We eventually called it quits and headed off to bed. Before we all left, we had to give and receive hugs. I love how we are so gay! AtP made the comment that if anybody saw us hugging out there they would definitely think that we were either gay or messed up (we are probably both)!
John has been talking to me about swimming and I was going to show him some of the ropes yesterday morning. I got a text from him about eight saying that he was awake and wanted to go swimming. We met and headed to the RB. It was our luck that they had swimming camps going on and we could not go swimming. We headed to the Provo Rec, they had swim team going on. Then we went to the Scera Pool, they had swimming lessons going on. Finally we went Orem Rec and it was just our luck that they were also doing swimming lessons. We gave up on our quest to go swimming.
We then headed to Kneader's for all-you-can-eat french toast (so good)! We were there for about an hour talking about life, relationships, the church, and love. It was a really good talk. Let me say that I have found an amazing new friend! Huzzah! (that's for you Salad). I am really sad to see him go on vacation with his family and then head back to Moab. I really hope that John decides to come to BYU for law school, because I really enjoyed hanging out with him!
Thanks John for playing with me! :)
Lately I have been struggling with the topic of love. I have wondered many times about how I could love a man and it be wrong. I thought that love came from God. Love does not come from Satan because only evil comes from Satan. I personally do not see love as evil (sorry if some of you think that). I went to my bishop and told him how I feel and I gave him my case (it was a lot more complicated than what I described above). He was dumbfounded after I gave him my case. He really did not know what to say. The first thing he said was that it was interesting that I said that love does not come from Satan. He agreed with me on this, but he then asked the one question that strikes fear into many hearts...
He asked me, "What is love?" He then gave me a lengthy explanation about how lust can be misinterpreted as love and how lust is not the way. Being my usual feisty self, I retorted and told him that it definitely was not lust. He then asked me the question again, "What is love?" I then gave him my definition (you can see more of it on this post). I told him that I never wanted to do anything to hurt someone I loved, that I wanted what was best for them, that I would try to give up everything if I could help them, that I loved spending time with them and when they were gone I was sad, that when they are sad, I am sad, and that these is a sexual component of love with some people. He said that this definition is one that he would give of love. He agreed with me that I was not lusting after a man.
Then we had a conversation about dating and everything. I really do not want to go into that because that is for another post, if I choose to write about it. It makes me wonder though if this "gay" love is bad. According to my bishop, I am not lusting after someone. This adds another interesting twist to everything. He did tell me that if I decided to pursue a relationship (a social one) that I would have to be extremely careful for it not to develop into a sexual relationship, which would take my chance of going on a mission away. I am not sure if I am going to try dating again, but it was just something interest I thought I would throw out there.
Cranberry and I go way back. We met in health class in seventh grade and we have been good friends ever since. She is also one of the first people that I came out to. All that I can say about her is that she is truly amazing and I am really glad to have her as my friend! :D
We chatted for a while and I decided to go up yesterday to help her move and to hang out with her. I had not seen her for a good couple of months and all day, my excitement was ready to burst out of my chest. As I was driving up to see her, I was talking to Brady. I am sure that he could tell that I was really excited, but if he could not, he must have been missing something. When I got there, it was a glorious reunion! It was really good to see her again and she still looked like her amazing self, despite the grubby clothes from moving. I helped her move into her new apartment and we chatted about a lot of things: being gay, the church, life in general, plans, goals, hopes, dreams, parents, family, friends, etc. This brought back a lot of good memories for me. I am not sure if it did for her, but it was fun! Cranberry really brightened up my day and weekend because it been a kind of a depressing one for me.
I think that I am definitely going to go up to Salt Lake to visit her more often because it was a very nice break. Cranberry has also offered me her couch whenever I need to get away from P-town. She is amazing! I love her to death!
PS Salad, she loves your blog!
PPS She wants to meet some of my friends in the MoHo world. If anyone wants to meet her when I go visit her, let me know because we will have an amazing time!