Where Do I Belong?

27 April 2007

Here is yet another post on my thoughts as I have been depressed these last few days. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks. It has really started to bother me a week ago and I think that it is time to post my thoughts and feelings on it.

Where do I belong? Do I belong with other people with SSA, SSGs, straight women, or all of the above? Do I belong with a man or woman? With the church or outside of the church (I am with the church and I feel like I am supposed to be with the church, but this thought keeps coming in my mind)? Will I always belong in my family? Will being "gay" modify me and end up defining me, even though I do not want it to? Where exactly do I belong?

I honestly cannot answer this question and I am even more confused over this subject than ever before. I guess I will just start spilling the beans to everyone. When I am with other MoHos, I sometimes feel like I am left out. I have a great relationship with Brady and Caspian. They are the best friends anyone could have and I do not know what I would do without them! I really do not feel welcome with a lot of MoHos and that they really do not want to talk to me. It seems like something terrible has to happen to me to get some show recognition from others. Also, people carry on conversations and I sit there. I try to get involved, but I feel like I am intruding and that nobody really wants to talk to me. I should say that there are some times that are great and I feel like I belong, but this does not happen very often. Do I actually belong in the MoHo world or somewhere else?

When I am with SSGs, it does not always feel like it is right to be with them. I do have a few good friends that I can trust and do things with (they do not know that I am gay). I have fun with them. I, however, feel left out when they talk about their girlfriends or women. It does not really work out for me. It is hard to hang out with them when they talk about women a lot of the time. It just does not get me going. They do go to clubs to go dancing and I go with them, which is always fun! :) Despite some of the ups, I still feel like I do not really belong with them either.

I have a lot girl friends. I have told a couple of them that I am gay and they are very special to me. They seem to be the ones that I really get a long with and who I really belong with. I am totally comfortable with them. We joke about hot guys and who we would like to kiss. We watch movies, go to parks, play games, and have a great time, but it still leaves a void inside of me. They just do not fill me up. They also remind me of how I am not a normal guy, even though they do not intend to. Is this the group of people I am supposed to belong to?

Then this brings up the whole marrying a man or woman thing. I am not sure what I am supposed to do in this field! Frankly, it is kind of scary for me to think about either of them. I cannot marry a man because it is against church standards, but marrying a woman is going to be just as hard. Depending upon my choices, my parents may accept or reject me. This makes everything so much harder! Who and where do I belong?

I have only felt like I have ever belonged to one group in my life and that was the swim team. Everybody was really tight and we all genuinely liked each other. We would hang out all the time and we could talk about anything. I never had worry about what they thought of me (except if I told them that I was gay, I am not sure how they would take this) and I felt completely comfortable with them. It was nice to feel this sense of belonging. It seems now that I do not have it, except with a few people. I know that there is "Somewhere I Belong" and I intend to find that place.

I guess I should say that I love everybody I have met and I am glad that I am able to get to know each of you better. I have decided that the void that I am feeling is knowing that all of my closest and dearest friends are leaving me for the summer. I do not have the security blanket of these people anymore. Hopefully, I will someday find "Somewhere [where] I Belong" and not have to worry...

What is Life?

24 April 2007
I just finished my biology test and one of the questions was "What is life? Here is the answer for that one: 1. Made up of cells with same elements 2. Energy flows in and out of it in various ways 3. Reacts to stimulus 4. Grows and Reproduces. This caused me to think about what life really is.

What is life? Life is something unique for everyone. It is experienced in different ways and nobody lives the same life. Someone may experience SSA, while another may experience the death of a loved on, while yet another may experience cancer or paralysis. These experiences shape who we are and what we will ultimately become. They help us grow and develop into something unique and special. We are the only ones that can understand our life and the events in it. In my depression, I have been doing a lot of thinking (I always think deeply when I am depressed). What makes me unique and special? What is life to me? What is my purpose here in life?

I titled my blog The Unknown Path to show my lack of understanding of these questions. I cannot answer these questions to their full extent now, but in the future I hope that I will be able to. My path in unknown and frankly, I am glad I do not know what is in store for me. It would probably scare me. Life is best lived in the moment and making sure there are some good long term goals in mind. I'll get back to the questions now.

What makes me unique and special? Well, I have done a lot in my life. I have an affinity for learning. I strive to better myself through doing well in school. In high school, I was HOSA, Calculus Club, and Phun Physics Phriday Club Presidents. I went to nationals in HOSA and got 3rd in the nation in my event. Besides high school and schooling in general, I love to go to museums and look around to learn something new. I am also a good swimmer. I was team captain for my high school team for three years. I am a state champion. I went to Sectionals (a step below nationals) and placed high in the rankings. I received many swimming scholarships, but denied all of them to come to BYU. I tried out for the BYU men's swim team and was the last one cut. What else makes me unique and special? I am gay and proud of it. I want to be a neurosurgeon. I like to play with dead animals and humans. Are these, however, the things that really define who I am?

What is life to me? Life is a journey and unknown path. I do not know what is in store for me, but I try my best to stick with a path. It might not be the best one, but I can always turn around. Besides that, life is something that teaches me. I am learning constantly from my experiences. I have learned a lot by confronting my "gayness" in these past couple of months. I have gained an extreme love for myself and deep connection with some amazing people. Life is amazing. Life is also a place to find happiness. I have been unhappy lately and I am trying to find happiness again, but it seems like it is out of reach. I find it in some simple pleasures (some of you might know what they are). Despite the hardness of life, I know that it will make me an amazing person and that I will learn a lot from it. Do these lessons also define who I really am?

What is my purpose here in life? My purpose has been defined to me in my Patriarchal Blessing (it is too sacred to share it with all of you, sorry) and it might continue to be shaped from different events in my life. My Patriarchal Blessing clearly states what I am and what I can and will do here in life. I see many of these things in it every day in my life. Other things also come up in life that shape a new purpose for me in life. Sometimes I feel like I am running away from my purpose. I do not want to runaway from who I am meant to be because this really defines who I really am.

My purpose defines me. My accomplishments, uniqueness, and the lessons I have learned do not define me. They instead modify me and prepare me for my divine purpose. My purpose is inside of me and is continually being shaped by the hand of God. Once I find it and accomplish the things in it, I will be truly happy...

Void and Depression

23 April 2007
Ok, this is my second post today. I'm weird, I know! Today has been full of ups and downs. I guess I'll tell you about my day. It started off waking up at 5:30 to get to my final at 7. I was there early to get a last minute run through of my notes. I felt like I did really good on it! I, however, spent the whole 3 hours on it. I guess that's not a bad thing. I then went to sell back my books and got $121 dollars from all of my chemistry books. I was really excited!

I then called Brady and we chatted for a while. I went to the library to study and then I went to Brady's apartment to help him with his car. We went out to lunch and had a great time. Then we came to the library to study some more. Now, Brady is taking his test (I hope and pray that he is doing well) and I am stuck in the library being depressed.

I am really sick of studying and I want finals to be over! This, however, is not the cause of my depression (at least I don't think it is). For some reason, I have lately been feeling a void in my life. I am not sure what exactly this void is, but it needs filling. Everything that I do seems to make it worse. I do not know how to fill it. This pain is great inside of me and I do not know how to fix it and it is really bothering me! What's the matter with me?

Life is great right now. I am doing well on all of my finals. I have great friends. I have a great job. I am on good terms with my family. I feel the Savior's love in my life. I am receiving blessings in my life. The list can go on and on! Why am I so sad? Everything is supposed to be grossly great! Despite these feel goods, this is not how I feel right now.

I can feel for you AtP. I really just want someone to come and give me a giant hug, someone who will let me fall asleep in their arms, or someone who could just help me fill this void! It is so awful right now that I am about to cry. I don't know what to do! Will somebody please help me or at least will give me some comfort?


So this past Sunday we kind of had a testimony meeting. It wasn't a full on one, but the Bishop gave us some time to get up and bear our testimonies. I was really feeling the Spirit because everyone was testifying of the Savior. As you can tell from my last post, I have a deep connection with Christ (more so now than ever before). I was on the verge of tears during the whole meeting. Then I decided to get up, but I was not going alone. I asked Caitlin if she would get up with me. She said yes and off we went. It was a really good experience bearing my testimony. I had not done it in a long time and everything about it felt right. My testimony strengthened a lot of truths in my mind and I am glad that I was able to do it. The power of a testimony is remarkable!

After I was done, Caitlin went to bear her testimony, but the Bishop stopped her. He wanted a musical number to perform before she went. He then talked about a scripture about the importance of needing to repent and gaining the forgiveness we seek. This was really kind of awkward for me because I just went through that whole process and he said it right after I bore my testimony. It was like he was telling the whole world that I used to be a sinner and that I just finished the repentance process, at least I thought this in my head. I know it is not true though. I talked about the Atonement and gaining forgiveness in my testimony. Someone may have needed to hear my testimony and that scripture to start the repentance process. I am not sure, but it was really awkward to hear him say that right after I bore my testimony... Caitlin then bore her testimony. It touched me a lot. She is amazing and beautiful! Testimony meetings are so good!

That's all except for only two more finals to go! Hooray!

Who Is This Christ?

17 April 2007
I am back everybody! This post is about my life and struggles these past couple of months. It also explains my positions and feelings towards Christ. I share my testimony of Christ at the end of it. I hope you enjoy it and it is good to be back! I should add one more thing ... this was an assignment for religion class and I turned it into today.

Christ has many different meanings and names for different people. Some call him Savior, Redeemer, comforter, or friend. All of these meanings describe some of his attributes and actions. Can we really fully describe Christ and the role he plays in our lives? I do not think so, but we can at least try. Who is this Christ for me? There are not enough words to describe what he is to me and what he has done for me. He is a friend, a comforter, a guide, a coach, and a Savior.

As I have struggle through many hard trials this year, I look back at the role Christ has played in my life. There are many times that Christ has been the only friend that I have had in life. He was always there comforting me through my tears and loneliness. I had a hard time at the beginning of the semester. While working through the repentance process, my bishop suggested that I leave my friends. This was really hard on me. I had to make a completely new set of friends. All the while, I was combating acceptance of my same sex attraction with myself and my parents. Nothing was going right for me. Every single one of the relationships that I had fell apart. I had no one to talk to. The agony was great and I was ready to leave the church. I could not understand why God was making me unhappy in life because of how He made me. I would pray for answers, but they never came. I would cry myself to sleep almost every night wanting a friend and understanding. This did not come at the time. All that I felt was that everything would eventually be alright. Christ comforted me and helped me feel loved. He was my only friend for a long time. At first, I did not recognize it was him. This, however soon changed with a touch of his love that changed my life forever. He gave me a friend and he gave my parents some courage to come and talk to me. By doing this, he showed me his role of friend and comforter in my life.

The night that I found another gay friend here at BYU was one of the best nights of my life. I was desperate for friends and sick of being lonely. One night in January, I decided to give God an ultimatum. He would he either help make my life better or I would leave the church forever. That night I was searching for anyone online who would understand me. I discovered a blog about a BYU student struggling with staying in the church and same sex attraction. From reading his blog, it gave me solace and peace. I emailed him and we started to email back and forth. Eventually, we ended up meeting. This meeting was wonderful and we became best friends quickly. I believe that Christ guided me to his blog and he knew that it would be beneficial for both of us. This was only one part of my life that started to get better there were still a lot to work on.

Despite having a new friend, my parents started to get worse off. They were more accusing in their remarks to me and they started to really hurt me deep down inside. I could not take it anymore. After taking as much as I could, was ready to move out of the house, drop out of BYU, and live a gay lifestyle. I thought that anything would be better than the life I am living now and I was right. Nothing was working for me except between me and my friend. I did not notice, however, that Christ was always there for me. He coached me and instructed me on things that I need to do. He put things in my path that I now see as blessings. His coaching even allowed my parents to open up to me. The night that my parents came and talked to me changed my life. It got me back on track and now I am going to stay in the church. If it was not for his coaching and guidance, I know that I would have probably left the church and I would have made the biggest mistake of my life. Christ is my coach and guide.

Christ is my Savior. What a powerful statement! Last time in class when we talked about the atonement, it was miraculous for me. It reinforced my testimony of the atonement and the need to have a Savior. As I have told you, I did a lot of things that did not put me in good standing with the church. I have been working through the repentance process since the middle of December. Before, I was repenting because I knew that I needed to, but I did not feel bad for what I had done. These feelings, however, soon started to change when my life got better. I started to notice that I did need to repent and that I did feel bad for doing the things that I had done. I worked hard to gain the forgiveness that Christ could give me. It took a while, but I eventually received it and my joy was great. My heart was so full of the love for Christ and his ability to forgive me. Now, I am in good standing with the church and I feel great! Christ is an amazing person whom I am thankful for everyday of my life.

I feel Christ’s love for me all the time and I know that he suffered for me. I know that he knows me. He knows my weaknesses, my struggles, my strengths, my needs, my heart, and my soul. He is my friend, my comforter, my guide, my coach, and my Savior. He is there for me and wants me to succeed in life. There is a special purpose that I have in life and he is preparing me for it. I may not know what it is, but he will show me the way. I know that he lives and loves me. Who is this Christ? He is everything to me!