Deepest Fear

25 November 2007

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate - our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be?

"You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.

"And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

God's Will

20 November 2007
I have been having a lot of really good experiences lately. I have felt really close to God and I feel like what I am doing is right. I also feel like He has a plan and purpose for me. He loves me and He wants me to have a good life. He sees my potential and He is helping me obtain it.

I know that one of my biggest problems is dropping my will, my wants, and my desires and then following God's will. I know that I used to be a lot worse at this, but I have noticed that I have been getting better the more I practice it. As I have noticed, it is quite comforting to start trusting the Lord and turning your life over to Him. You know that He will never lead you astray and that He will help you in your times of need. You know that He provides situations to challenge you and help you grow and in these situations, He has given you all of the tools to succeed and accomplish the task at hand. You know that everything that you go through is for you benefit. I have also noticed that you become more aware of your situations and the potentials hazards there are in them. Turning your life over to the Lord is a powerful tool to help you succeed, reach your potential, and gain every blessing that God sees fit to give you.

This past Sunday, I had a hard lesson in putting my trust in the Lord. At first, I had a melt-down and totally freaked out! I had no idea what to do or where to go from that point and I had lost all hope. I was basically lost. The more I started to think about my hopes, desires, dreams, wants, etc. from before that point, the more I noticed that they coincided with Church and it's teachings and doctrines. I then prostrated myself before God and prayed a long prayer. It was full of tears, but it was also full of hope and faith. I felt the Spirit so strongly. I soon found myself praying that I will have the strength and desire to do whatever the Lord wanted me to do, because He knows what will be best for me. All that I wanted to do was to serve Him. I gave myself up to God and I am continuing to give myself up to God. I am now trying to put Him first in my life, more so than I have in the past. Before this experience, I would sometimes put God first in my life, but I was easily distracted by friends, family, homework, school, work, and many other things. These things matter, but they are not as important as putting God first. God is what matters.

Note: My melt-down did not have anything to do SSA. It is related, but it was something completely different that I would not like to share in a public forum.

Gay Adolescence

17 November 2007
The term gay adolescence is going throughout the MoHo world quite commonly these days. In Drex's most recent post, he talks about it and how people should grow up. There have also been some comments on some people's blogs and I have gotten a few emails about it. It is interesting how a term can be misconstrued and used to justify some actions.

Most of the MoHos in Happy Valley are in their gay adolescence. I know that I have been through it and sometimes I fall back into it. I also know how hard it is to go through it. It is, as Salad and Drex like to call it, "the new and shiny phase." During this time, people meet other gay members of the church and get all excited. They feel welcome and like they can be themselves. Is this, however, where the problem lies? Nope. This is the good aspect of it because people are dealing with things and receiving the help that is needed. The problem lies in the next step of gay adolescence. It is where people start falling in "love" and experimenting with their feelings and new found freedom.

I just want to say that I believe that two men and two women can fall in love like a man and a woman can fall in love. Do I agree with it? No I do not because I have been taught that it is against the teachings of the church. Do I accept it and allow people to have their freedom? Yes I do because everybody should have their choices in life so that they can learn and grow or ruin their salvation by the choices they make.

Ok, sorry to get off of track, but I thought that would be the best place to throw that in there. So in gay adolescence, people say that they are like a 13 or 14 year old straight person discovering boys or girls for the first time. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that. I do feel like that is a good definition. The problem with that is that people use that definition to start justifying their actions.

A 13 or 14 year old might just hold hands with the person that they "love." Then they might even get the courage up to kiss the other person. This is all that they might possibly do. We, on the other hand, are not 13 and 14 year olds. Our bodies are more developed and our sex drives are a lot stronger than 13 and 14 year olds. This causes problems because people end up doing things that they should not be doing. I have heard stories from a lot of people about how it just started out with kissing, it went to rubbing, it went to hand jobs, it went to blow jobs, and then ended up in sex. It usually does not go are far as sex or blow jobs, but people justify the other actions by saying that they are in their gay adolescence and that they are just experimenting like straight people do as a 13 or 14 year old. This is absolutely wrong! 13 and 14 year olds do not do this!

This is something that is serious and it should not be played around with! A lot of you are endowed in the temple and you have made temple covenants. How can you just throw them away? Are they no longer important to you because you are back in your "adolescence" stage? I have yet to go to the temple so I do not know everything that happens there and I do not know all of the covenants that are made there. I do know, however, that they are important and breaking them means big problems.

We are all adults here (some might not consider me an adult, but I do). We have more responsibilities than 13 and 14 year olds and the consequences are a lot harsher too. Gay adolescence might be a stage that MoHos go through, but it does not need to go as far as it is going. So as Drex said, "Grow up."

Love or Lust

14 November 2007
"I love you like I have never loved anyone else."

I have heard this or something similar to it throughout the MoHo world many times. Could it be because you are finally attracted to someone or that you connect with them on a deeper level than you have ever connected with anyone before? The answer is YES!!!!

The danger of all of this is the fact that this so-called "love" is most likely not love at all. It is lust. I have seen, heard, and talked to many MoHos that have fallen in "love" in a week or a couple of days. These MoHos usually tell each other that they love one another and then it moves quickly. It starts with snuggling and cuddling. Then it can move on to rubbing and touching. Then they start to kiss and sleep with one another. This then allows for very compromising situations and it usually ends up with the "lovers" doing things that will cause them to have to talk to their prospective bishops. All of this can happen in a matter of days or weeks and in my opinion, this NOT love, but rather lust!

I am going to compare this type of relationship with the relationship of Jamie and Landon in the movie, A Walk to Remember. For those of you who have not seen this movie, it is a definite must because it shows true love perfectly. In A Walk to Remember, Landon and Jamie start out to have absolutely nothing in common and they come from completely different worlds. Landon cares about looking cool and his reputation while Jamie cares about who she is and she does not care what others think of her. After a series of events, Landon ends up spending a lot of time with Jamie. They soon start getting close and they become really good friends. Then Landon does some stupid things that hurts Jamie. He soon realizes that he is hurting because he has hurt her. Landon wants do anything to make her feel better. They soon mend their relationship and start to date. Landon is so sweet. He helps her accomplish some of her life goals and he protects her from the rest of the student body who makes fun of her constantly. He no longer cares about his reputation. He only cares about her and her happiness. Jamie decides to tell Landon that she has leukemia. Landon could have cut and run, but he did not. He stays with her to the end and actually marries her.

They have a perfect love for each other and it is definitely not lust. Their relationship is something more. It is not about sex, making out, and whatever else could happen between them. Those aspects are not even a big part in their relationship. It is about getting to know each other and making each other happy. It eventually becomes all about marriage and that is something that is a healthy step in any relationship that is about the perfect and pure love.

Then you also see the "older" (from Beck) MoHos and a recent "young" MoHo (Drex) get married. The "older" MoHos have a true love for their wives too. They would never do any "gay" actions to hurt their wife and ruin their marriage. Drex and Salad are a good example of people our age finding true love. I see how much they love each other, how they support each other, and how they try not to do anything to hurt one another. These are more examples of true love. Just talk to any of them and you can see the pure love that they have for each other.

There are also straight Mormon couples in our lives who are true and faithful to one another. They go through their dating and engagement periods without doing anything. They make it to the temple and they get married. Then they are allowed to perform the sacred action of procreation together. If a straight Mormon couple was having sex or doing any sort of promiscuous things before marriage, they would not go to the temple. This is definitely not true love for one another if they are Mormon. They are most likely lusting after each other. My guess that a lot of us would be disgusted with this, so why should we have a double standard when it comes to us?

I know a lot of MoHos who look down upon those who only get married because of looks and the desire for sex. Then they go off and do their own things. This can get them in trouble with the church, but they do not seem to care. This is very hypocritical, in my opinion. You should hold the same standards that you hold for others. Just because you deal with same-sex attraction does not mean that you have different standards. You need to find true love instead of lust too!

I personally do not hold any bad feelings to any of you that choose another path than the church. I suggest that you find a true and pure love like Jamie and Landon, the MoHos that have gotten married, and the straight couples who do not do anything until they are married have. If you lust after another guy, do things that are not up to church standards, and then want to get back in the church again, I can truthfully say that it is a hard road back. If you truly love someone you would try to do everything in your power to NEVER hurt them (this in my opinion is doing things that can hurt their standards in the church and pushing them away from the teachings of the church)! Think about what you are doing and think about your "love" for this other person. Take it slow and see if it is really what you both want. Do not rush into your lust for one another and be careful not to become MoHo whores or I guess MoHoHos (thanks Drex).

This does not change my feelings on the relaxed state of the MoHo world. I know a lot of you personally and I know that a lot of you want to stay true to the church. Why stay in this relaxed state and hurt your chance for salvation? Things need to change. I am fine with snuggling and what not, but NCMOs and other actions that go too far are not good because they lead to feelings for one another and then into these lust relationships and then MoHoHos. Be careful and think about what you are doing.

Do not do anything that would ever hurt the one that you "love!"

Note: I made a few changes in the blog thanks to McKenzie. I would just like to apologize for saying that those who are promiscuous before marriage do not have true love for each other. I think that this is only true if they are Mormon because they are working on a Celestial marriage and premarital relations are not allowed (they cause damage and are not good). In writing this blog I was thinking only about Mormons and not others so if I offended anyone, including you McKenzie, I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.

The Spirit

13 November 2007
I am sitting in the chemistry computer lab waiting for my my lab partner to get here. I felt impressed to write this, so I am.

The Spirit works and moves in mysterious ways. Some of the things it tell us to do is sometimes really strange, hard, easy, out of the way, and just plain crazy. I have been sitting on a lot of topics that I have wanted to post for a long time. I was always too scared to do this though. I did not know how they would turn out and how people would react to them. So I never posted them.

Then the other day, I got the impression to post them. The Spirit told me that I needed to start posting them now and not stop until I got out everything that I wanted to say. I do not know why I am supposed to post some of the things that I need to, but I do know that the Spirit has told me to post them. There are more in the making and you all will probably consider them many times less harsh than the first one.

I wonder if these posts will bring any good or if they are just for me.

PS I guess they brought some good because we have a new blog that popped up yesterday that some of you may have noticed. Check it out!

My Name Is...

09 November 2007
Will everyone please stop calling me Gimple. That is no longer my name and I do not want to be known as Gimple anymore because I am moving on. My name is Therapevo Ydata...

Looking At The Past

08 November 2007
My last post has caused a lot on controversy. Someone asked me if I regretted saying what I did. I told him that I was not. It was something that needed to be said. I am now going personal and telling personal experiences that has helped me formulate the theory. I have also listened to other people and their stories too. I am not going to tell their stories because it is not my place.

I was first introduced the MoHo world last year in February. I met my first MoHo that month and then within in month, I met about 10 MoHos. Then I met more and more. There were a few of the MoHos that pushed and pulled at the standards set but most of them were trying to stay strong in the church. There were a couple of people that really pushed me and tried to get me to hook up with them. I was not in the best period of my life then and I did whore myself out to someone. I did not want to do that. I had no intention of ever doing that, but it just happened. I got over whoring myself out and fell in love with someone that I really cared about and who cared about me. Brady and I started to date.

Dating Brady was interesting. We really did not do anything for a couple months. For a long time it was holding hands and snuggling (I do mean that it was a long time). Then after a long while, it went to kissing, but we were still unsure about that. Then we broke up.

For a long time after that, I really wanted another relationship. I had some offers from so people and I did do some NCMOs. I basically became a MoHo whore (something that I am not proud of). Then some things changed in my life. I did not want to do that. It took some time, but I turned back into a MoHo and lost the whore part.

Then I sort of backed out of the MoHo world. I found some straight friends and I started to date more often. I developed into someone new. Then I decided to pop back into the MoHo world. I soon began to be pushed again. I was actually being pushed harder than ever. There were more people who were willing to push and do things. It became harder to stay true. I again fell and became a MoHo whore. This only lasted a little while before I realized what I was doing. I backed out again.

I have been backing in and out of the MoHo world for a while now. The reason for this is because I love all of you dearly but then at the same time I do not want to be put in a compromising situation. I am working on a mission and I cannot slip up any time soon. I am starting my papers really soon and I cannot do anything and I mean ANYTHING!!!!

This is not my only basis for what I have said. I have talked to several friends about this too. One friend has actually told me that he felt like he has become a whore. Then he asked me if becoming a Homo was the next step. As you can see, this is not only my theory! A lot of people are worried about it. I am worried about it too. That is why I decided to be brave and say something. I am making my stand and I am going to say my mind. If you do not like it, I am sorry, but I feel like I need to do this (this is also my blog and I can write what I want to write). I am also not trying to be self-righteous by writing this because as you can see, I have been there and experienced my theory.

PS I got a lot of comments on my last post about how there are still MoHos trying to be living righteous out there and what not. I do believe that and I do support all of you that are trying. My question is what happened to posting? Many people emailed me and said that even though there are people trying to be righteous out there, they have slowed down on posting or they have basically stopped posting altogether. These are just some thoughts...

What Happened?!?

07 November 2007
I do not know if anyone else has noticed the change in the MoHo world. This place used to be special to help those who are dealing with SSA and trying to find others who understand them. It was also a place of spiritual upliftment and help.

Quite frankly, it now seems to be the path from MoHo to MoHo whore to Homo. This is no good. It is now a place for people to find each other and hook up. It has also become really relaxed about every issue with the church and nobody is concerned with this!

I have been attacked on several occasions from people who I considered my friends because I expressed my beliefs. These did not come through posts on a blog but rather through nasty emails.

It just is not the same anymore. I wish that it was back to normal...


03 November 2007

This made me really happy! Enjoy! :)

You Can't Stop The Beat

01 November 2007

New Moon

"'You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault,' I suggested while a new kind of tugging started at the edges of my skin. 'What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good.'

"'I don't know that I'm making up for anything,' he disagreed lightly. 'Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given.'


"'I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire.' He grinned, knowing how their casual use of that word never failed to shock me. 'But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit,' he continued in an offhand voice. 'By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying.'"

-An excerpt from New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer (pp. 35-37)

All that I can say is wow! I really connected with the passage in the novel. It touched me spiritually and let me know that I am doing the right thing by staying in the church. It is always nice to get this revelation every once in awhile.

Bella really hit me hard with the question, "What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good." Then I loved Dr. Carlisle Cullen's response, "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given."

This is so true in my life. I have made my decision and I do not think that I will back down from it (only time can tell if this is true, but it seems like it will never happen). I decided to stay in the church and at the same time deal with SSA. Instead of "going gay" and leaving the church for good. Like Carlisle, I believe that there is a greater purpose in my life and I will be able to handle my purpose in life because of the trials that I have gone through with SSA. We will get credit for trying and we will be blessed.

Never give up hope. God loves you because of who you are and what you can do. Sure you may make some mistakes every now and then, but it is for your betterment. You will grow and become what God wants you to become as long as you put your faith and trust in him.

Remember that God will always love you because you are his child; no matter what you have decided to do with your life with what you have been given. He loves you...