Love or Lust

14 November 2007
"I love you like I have never loved anyone else."

I have heard this or something similar to it throughout the MoHo world many times. Could it be because you are finally attracted to someone or that you connect with them on a deeper level than you have ever connected with anyone before? The answer is YES!!!!

The danger of all of this is the fact that this so-called "love" is most likely not love at all. It is lust. I have seen, heard, and talked to many MoHos that have fallen in "love" in a week or a couple of days. These MoHos usually tell each other that they love one another and then it moves quickly. It starts with snuggling and cuddling. Then it can move on to rubbing and touching. Then they start to kiss and sleep with one another. This then allows for very compromising situations and it usually ends up with the "lovers" doing things that will cause them to have to talk to their prospective bishops. All of this can happen in a matter of days or weeks and in my opinion, this NOT love, but rather lust!

I am going to compare this type of relationship with the relationship of Jamie and Landon in the movie, A Walk to Remember. For those of you who have not seen this movie, it is a definite must because it shows true love perfectly. In A Walk to Remember, Landon and Jamie start out to have absolutely nothing in common and they come from completely different worlds. Landon cares about looking cool and his reputation while Jamie cares about who she is and she does not care what others think of her. After a series of events, Landon ends up spending a lot of time with Jamie. They soon start getting close and they become really good friends. Then Landon does some stupid things that hurts Jamie. He soon realizes that he is hurting because he has hurt her. Landon wants do anything to make her feel better. They soon mend their relationship and start to date. Landon is so sweet. He helps her accomplish some of her life goals and he protects her from the rest of the student body who makes fun of her constantly. He no longer cares about his reputation. He only cares about her and her happiness. Jamie decides to tell Landon that she has leukemia. Landon could have cut and run, but he did not. He stays with her to the end and actually marries her.

They have a perfect love for each other and it is definitely not lust. Their relationship is something more. It is not about sex, making out, and whatever else could happen between them. Those aspects are not even a big part in their relationship. It is about getting to know each other and making each other happy. It eventually becomes all about marriage and that is something that is a healthy step in any relationship that is about the perfect and pure love.

Then you also see the "older" (from Beck) MoHos and a recent "young" MoHo (Drex) get married. The "older" MoHos have a true love for their wives too. They would never do any "gay" actions to hurt their wife and ruin their marriage. Drex and Salad are a good example of people our age finding true love. I see how much they love each other, how they support each other, and how they try not to do anything to hurt one another. These are more examples of true love. Just talk to any of them and you can see the pure love that they have for each other.

There are also straight Mormon couples in our lives who are true and faithful to one another. They go through their dating and engagement periods without doing anything. They make it to the temple and they get married. Then they are allowed to perform the sacred action of procreation together. If a straight Mormon couple was having sex or doing any sort of promiscuous things before marriage, they would not go to the temple. This is definitely not true love for one another if they are Mormon. They are most likely lusting after each other. My guess that a lot of us would be disgusted with this, so why should we have a double standard when it comes to us?

I know a lot of MoHos who look down upon those who only get married because of looks and the desire for sex. Then they go off and do their own things. This can get them in trouble with the church, but they do not seem to care. This is very hypocritical, in my opinion. You should hold the same standards that you hold for others. Just because you deal with same-sex attraction does not mean that you have different standards. You need to find true love instead of lust too!

I personally do not hold any bad feelings to any of you that choose another path than the church. I suggest that you find a true and pure love like Jamie and Landon, the MoHos that have gotten married, and the straight couples who do not do anything until they are married have. If you lust after another guy, do things that are not up to church standards, and then want to get back in the church again, I can truthfully say that it is a hard road back. If you truly love someone you would try to do everything in your power to NEVER hurt them (this in my opinion is doing things that can hurt their standards in the church and pushing them away from the teachings of the church)! Think about what you are doing and think about your "love" for this other person. Take it slow and see if it is really what you both want. Do not rush into your lust for one another and be careful not to become MoHo whores or I guess MoHoHos (thanks Drex).

This does not change my feelings on the relaxed state of the MoHo world. I know a lot of you personally and I know that a lot of you want to stay true to the church. Why stay in this relaxed state and hurt your chance for salvation? Things need to change. I am fine with snuggling and what not, but NCMOs and other actions that go too far are not good because they lead to feelings for one another and then into these lust relationships and then MoHoHos. Be careful and think about what you are doing.

Do not do anything that would ever hurt the one that you "love!"

Note: I made a few changes in the blog thanks to McKenzie. I would just like to apologize for saying that those who are promiscuous before marriage do not have true love for each other. I think that this is only true if they are Mormon because they are working on a Celestial marriage and premarital relations are not allowed (they cause damage and are not good). In writing this blog I was thinking only about Mormons and not others so if I offended anyone, including you McKenzie, I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.


David said...

Good observations! Speaking for myself, I get attached to a person way too quickly since I'm so starved for acceptance and "love"...which is really just lust. I definitely think true love is attainable for two men but it's harder to find than between two straight people. I don't want to think of myself as a "mohoho" even though I'm straying from the church and want to date men and eventually have a relationship. But if and when I do, I want it to be love and not lust!

Chris said...

Actually, I think what you are describing is infatuation (and adolescent experimentation), rather than love or lust.

Brady said...

I've confused the two before. I think I'm slowly getting to the point where I can tell when I'm experiencing infatuation versus that deep, enduring love that you talk about.

drex said...

I was going to say that perhaps it was more infatuation or adolescent attraction, but I think all three (lust included) fall basically into the same grouping. Some people feel it with more strength than others, and perhaps the terms, if not synonyms, are grades of the same basic feeling, which isn't love. I don't know if I've ever heard a recollection of true 'love at first sight' - it's usually a clicking, or an attraction, or a general good feeling at first sight, but not love. Love is cultivated. Love is built. Love doesn't just appear (except perhaps non-romantic forms of love, such as the love of a parent for a child essentially at first sight).

playasinmar said...

I think you're right when you say we ought not look down our noses at those who have or are stumbling.

Even sex, as severe an error as it can be, is just one of those thickets that some people get snagged in.

Just because one has a different cross to bear doesn't make it a better burden.

Chedner said...

Do you believe homosexual love (in the scope of same-sex attractions) has the potential to be real love?

Beck said...

I am guilty of "clicking at first sight" with my wife. I did not lust after her, but we clicked and that was all it took to turn my heart toward her and want to learn to love her. I say that it was "love at first sight", but I must say that my heart skipped - and for this gay boy - that was quite something and so I paid attention.

As for love vs. lust, I fall in the camp of infatuation. My gay infatuations continue and are a constant struggle to restrain. That said, it is my marriage and my LOVE for my wife that keeps those infatuations, as powerful and attractive as they may be, at bay.

McKenzie said...

Your post said:

If a straight couple was having sex or doing any sort of promiscuous things before marriage, they would not go to the temple. This is definitely not true love for one another.

While I do respect your opinion, I'd be very careful about making a statement such as this. This might well be a really valid point for those who believe the LDS lifestyle and gospel is the right track to follow, and your post reinforces those beliefs.

But as one who humbly looks from a different point of view, there are many people in the world who can truly love someone, whether or not a temple marriage takes place. You're right, people should definitely be cautious when it comes to love and their morals along with it, but I think a definitive statement as the one above is rather heavy-handed.

I'm aware that my comments on here might not mean much to those who frequent here, being a former-LDS straight person with a different take. There are SO many intricate, complex ways that love can be created and matter what morals you hold, or what you believe is right.

Yes, lust happens and gets people into some bad situations, across all kinds of moral grounds. But to say that real love can only come from one way of living and one mode of thinking...

That's a place where we can agree to disagree.

Annabelle said...

I recently heard a talk by President Hinckley where he stated that true love is not, in fact, a romantic feeling. That is some varying level of lust. True, and real, love is wanting to spend your eternity with somebody.

Therapevo Ydata said...

Thank you McKenzie for calling me out. It is true that I was only thinking about Mormons and nobody else's lifestyle. I do believe that those outside of the LDS faith can have true love for each other if they are doing things that are not in line our teachings. Everyone can have true love for each other but as I have said, just be cautious in your "loves."

I'm sorry that I was on the Mormon mind track and really didn't think of others. I changed my post to make it more clear and put a note at the end of it.

Love you McKenzie!

McKenzie said...

Hey, it's all good. Your blog is the place to voice your thoughts, and I know that you post with the best of intentions.

Just thought it'd be a good time to bring in my two cents.

Thanks, and love you too!

elbow said...

I agree with Chris. Infatuation is fun and it feels real for the developmental level of someone who hasn't experienced what it's like to be in a committed and solid relationship.

When we try to place attraction and sexuality in different boxes such as lust and/or love we end up devaluing what it means to love someone with wholeness and complexity and warmth. If you love someone you better damn well lust after them because that feeling of yearning for closeness in a deeply sexual way is part of loving someone to the fullest. And Love without that kind of passion is just...infatuation or friendship.

And if that's what you're looking for then that's cool too. Live your life however you see fit, I support that.