-Step Up 2
This is the last dance in this movie and it is HOT! I absolutely love how they are dancing in the rain. I wish I could dance as well as they can.
-Step Up 2
On the Friday before I posted about myself bleeding, I started to feel like crap. Pain was coming back, but it was not too bad. I sort of ignored it. Then on that Saturday, I still did not feel up to par. I was sleeping a lot (about 15 hours a night) and then take tons of naps during the day. I never felt like my old self. Then on Sunday, I started to excrete blood and it was not fun at all. I was in extreme pain and at some points I could barely move. That pretty much wraps up the event before my original post.
On Monday, I tried to get into the doctor's office, but I could not. There were no slots with other doctors and my doctor had surgery all that day. I went to school and did my best to be my happy self. It was kind of working, but people noticed that something was wrong. Then came Tuesday. I still could not get a doctor's appointment, but the good news was that I was able to get in on Wednesday. Tuesday was hell. I hurt so bad and I just wanted to rip out my intestines. Then Wednesday finally came! I went to the doctor and he gave me some new medications that are more intensive. There are also a lot more side-effects with these ones. One of them is insomnia, if you have not noticed from my random postings and facebooking times.
I am generally feeling much better, but I am still in a lot of pain. The doctor told me that I am having another flare up and it is on a worse level than the last one I had since I am bleeding. The bleeding has generally stopped. It only comes every now and then--it mostly depends on what I eat. My bowels basically have adventures everyday and I have to go on a ride with them. ;) Hopefully I will start to feel up to speed and go do what I normally do.
Thanks again for all of your prayers and fast! You guys are great! :)
Life is good... :)
PS Whenever I am sick or cannot go 80's Dancing, I crave it. I have been craving it since I started bleeding. That is probably why I posted tons of Madonna's music videos and One Night in Bangkok. I love the 80's...
-"Rainy Monday," Shiny Toy Guns
Sometimes you cannot let go because of the feelings inside...
-"One Night in Bangkok," Murray Head
I am pretty much in love with the 80's...
-"Die Another Day," Madonna
Again, Madonna... Wonderful! This is my ringtone right now and it makes me happy! :)
-"Jump," by Madonna
All that I can say is that Madonna still has it! She makes the most amazing music and she is freaking hot for how old she is. Love me some Madonna!
I want to ask all of you to keep me in your prayers this week. I am bleeding internally right now and excreting blood (a side-effect of the medication and sometimes a symptom of Crohn's Disease). I have not gone to the ER because my family does not have the money to pay for another hospitalization for me. We are waiting to go to the doctor's tomorrow because we only have to pay $10 instead of $500 or more. I am putting my trust in the Lord and I pray that everything will work out. I ask all of you to do the same for me.
As I stood up, he stopped me and wanted to talk to me for a little bit longer. He told me that he has a son who has gone gay. He told me about the history of his son and everything. He does not share this with a lot of people, but he shared it with me because he loves, cares, and trusts me. He and his son have had numerous conversations about the church. Every time their conversation ends, his son ends up hating him more (he has now stopped talking to his son about the Church) and his son has a renewed conviction that God made him gay and that is what he is supposed to be.
After telling me this, I told him about some of the beliefs floating around the MoHo community such as how God is eventually going to allow gay marriage so it is not wrong to act on it now, God made me gay and that is what I am supposed to be, how can I deny who I am and be something that God did not make me, God is telling me to be gay and pursue a relationship, etc. He was extremely saddened when he heard this from me because it was the same reasoning his son had given him numerous times. He then spoke to me about some essential doctrine that I will never forget.
The doctrine of 2008 from God is that doing anything homosexual is wrong and sinful. That is all there is to it. There might be a time in the future where God does change the rules and allows homosexual actions and marriages (I do not think this is going to happen though), but as of right now it is wrong. He told me that if you or anyone else does something, that is considered sinful in this time period--it needs to be repented of. If it is not repented of when the rules change, it is still considered a sin and you still need to repent of it because it was a past transgression when the rules were different. This hit me really hard and I knew it to be true through a witness from the Spirit. We must follow the doctrine of 2008. Just because we feel it is unfair or wrong, does not mean that we can change it. Only God can change it and so far, He has not. The prophets tell us that it is wrong and they are the closest ones to God (we do not even compare to them in closeness), so we must follow what they say and follow the commandments of God.
All too often, we become Lucy Grealy. We become a spaz here in life.
The minute a whistle appeared and boundaries were called, I transformed into a spaz. It all seemed so unfair: I knew in my heart I had great potential, star potential even, but my knowing didn’t translate into hitting the ball that was coming my way. I resigned myself early on, even though I knew I could outread, outspell, and outtest the strongest kid in the classroom. And when I was picked practically last for crazy kickball or crab relays, I defeatedly assumed a certain lackadaisical attitude, which partially accounts for my in attention on the day my jaw collided with Joni Friedman’s head.-Lucy Grealy, Autobiography of a Face
In the premortal life, all of us knew of our great potential and that is why we chose to come here to earth. Now that we are here, I believe that we forget our potential and transform into the spaz, like Lucy. We do know and remember our potential deep down inside our hearts, but it does not come out. It stays hidden and some people are fine with this, while others are not.
The people who let their potential stay hidden gain the lackadaisical attitude Lucy describes. It seems like they fall off their path more easily than others and just live life not ascribing to greatness. This saddens me because they do not want to find their potential and they do not care to. They would rather go through life doing what they see is best for them, rather than doing what God knows is best for them. Their path from God might be different than mine (all of our paths are different), but they need to find it so they can grow to their full potential. Another thing that I have also noticed is that these people usually are the fence sitters and do not make decisions about their life and future. They live in the past and the here and now. They have a hard time looking to the future and the future scares them, so they continue their lackadaisical attitude.
The people who search for their potential are the go-getters and they look to God. They want to become something amazing and extraordinary. Their quest for them, however, never ends because they feel like they are never amazing or extraordinary. Even though their quest does not end, they continue to move on. Growth and understanding are things that they want and hope for on their quest and by searching for them, they obtain their secrets. They try things, learn from mistakes, and move on with life (look to the past, live in the here and now, and make goals for the future). The interesting thing about their search is that they do become extraordinary and amazing to others, even if they feel ordinary. Compared to those who are lackadaisical, they are astounding.
I have been tossing and turning for awhile now. I cannot sleep. It is now past 3 a.m. I do not feel well, but I know that this is not my problem. I have something on my mind that I think needs to be said. It is a big part of my testimony and it plays a big part in how I try to live my life.
First of all, I just want to say God and the Savior loves all of you, more so than we can comprehend. God so loved the world that He sent His Only Begotten to the world to suffer, bleed, and die for all mankind so that we might be resurrected and obtain the highest glory. Christ suffered for all of our sins, infirmities, pain, inadequacies, weaknesses, and whatever else you consider bad. He felt it and He is able to understand what we go through because of this. All the while, God watched his Son do this. That is only a small part of God's and Christ's love for us that we can fathom or at least try to fathom.
Second of all, I believe that when Christ came to earth, he became a completely mortal man who had the same struggles as you and me. Christ was in no way, shape, or form the divine being that He once was. He had the potential to become that once again, but once he passed through the veil, all of that was gone. I think that the humanness of Christ can be seen when John dies and Jesus weeps and mourns his death and when in Gethsemane Jesus falls on his face, has an angel strengthen him, and asks God to take away the bitter cup. There are many other instances like these that show the humanness of Jesus and I believe that we should take note of them as we read the scriptures. Jesus, when he came to earth, was no different from us except for the fact that He was the Only Begotten of the Father. This means Jesus could have made mistakes, gotten dirty with sin, and not accomplish His divine task. He could have sinned as we sin. As we know, He did not sin against His Father. He chose to stay true to the teachings of the gospel. We must try to do the same.
I now want to say something that some might find controversial and you all must remember that this is my opinion. You can either disagree or agree with me. It does not matter.
I believe that Christ had same-sex attractions. We know that he was tempted with everything while he was here on earth, so it makes sense that he was attracted to men. I believe that He probably dealt with it His entire life, like most of us will have to. Jesus went through the exact same struggles that we go through, the feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, hate, rejection, etc. He, however, did not act upon those feelings and stayed true to the gospel. I also believe He was truly happy because He followed His Father's teachings or else He would not have done what He did.
Knowing or believing (whatever you want to call it) this has helped me gain a proper perspective here in life. It may be hard, but it is worth it. Christ's life was very hard and my life cannot even compare to the trials that He had to go through. He did not act upon His natural desires, so I must try hard not to act upon my natural desires. Jesus gained glory in heaven that none of us can comprehend for the way He lived His life. Personally, I want that glory too, so I must try hard to follow His example. I know that I have made mistakes, but I know that I have been forgiven because of Christ's love for me and through the power of the Atonement. That power is real. I wish that I could be like the Savior and handle every temptation that comes my way, but right now, I cannot. I know that it takes one step at a time and I try my hardest every day to be a little more like Him.
Are we better than the Savior and can do whatever we want? I think not.