30 September 2008
I prayed for the first time in awhile last night--well, it was a time that I felt like I needed to pray and not only do it because my bishop wants me to. It felt really good and I felt loved. I felt the Spirit very strongly and I felt like I was on the right path. I also felt that God knows that I am trying to be good and that I am doing the right things to be forgiven. I am going to continue to keep on working and doing my best to make my life as good as it can be.


28 September 2008
Some Like It Hot asked me about making friends with girls in an earlier post of mine. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. So here is my response.

Ever since I was little, I had never had a problem making friends with girls. I do not attribute this to the fact that I am gay, but rather most of my neighborhood was filled with girls so I learned how to interact with them (it is not very hard--just be yourself and have a good time). I had a few boy friends when I was growing up but there were not very many in my neighborhood so I did not interact with them a lot--I would much rather hang out with my girl friends. Because of my childhood, I have always seen girls as people that I can get close to and have close relationships with. I do not see them as a threat to my "manhood" to hang out with them. I do not see them as possible relationships, well not at first. I sometimes see a possibility of a relationship later on when we have grown closer as friends and usually it never happens and that is perfectly fine (some girls might do this too, but it usually ends up in the same result). I see them as people that I can go out with and have a good time. The main point is that I see them as friends and people I want to get to know before I see them as anything else.

From talking with a couple of my few straight guy friends, I have found out that they are afraid of girls. They think that girls are always wanting a relationship from them and/or that they are always reading into the relationship when in reality there is nothing there. They also think that they cannot be themselves around girls because girls will not like them. I usually laugh at this part. Sure that happens sometimes (a girl reading into things)--it happened to me in the summer, but that was the first time it has ever happened to me! Most girls would love to have some guy friends to hang out with and do fun things with. It does not have to be in a dating situation. It can be in a group situation. A lot of them do not expect a relationship to happen. I think that this is where growing up Mormon messes with a lot of people. People start to get unrealistic expectations of friendships with girls or guys (if you are a girl) and this also leads to them feeling like they cannot be themselves around girls or guys. They think that when they start getting in a close friendship with a girl or a guy, that it might progress to the next level when they do not want it to. That is an unrealistic response. Then they, usually the guy, push away and end up hurting each other. I have seen too many of my close girl friends get hurt because they do not know why one of their close guy friends stopped talking to them. I usually attribute it to this. Some people might also think that if they act like they truly are, that people will not like them so they stay away from girls or guys. That does happen sometimes, but you cannot change that and most of the time this does not happen, at least from my experience.

It is interesting that a lot go guys are also scared to go out on dates or they have to get the courage to ask girls out on dates. I think that this is ridiculous and goes along with the same lines as what I mentioned above. People are putting way too much pressure on themselves and the possibility of a relationship and/or people reading into their actions wrong. I go on dates for fun because quite frankly, dating is fun. It is fun to get out, to do something you usually do not do, and to do it with someone you want to get to know better. It is also a good way to show them that you care about them, even if it is not going to become a relationship. Sure it might be with someone you like, someone who likes you, or just a close friend, but it does not have to lead to a relationships. It could be the start of a really good friendship that will last a long time and be full of fun.

So again, my main point is that I see girl as friends, people that I can have a good time with, and people I can be myself with.

I hope this helps, but if it does not and you want more of my thoughts, email me (swimfreaksean[AT]gmail[DOT]com).

My Busy Life

24 September 2008
I thought I would write to let you all know that I am not dead and I plan on answering some comments from my last post. There is just so much to do and so little time in the day. I wake up at 5 AM and I am doing things until 10 or 11 PM. My life has never been this crazy busy before! I cannot believe it! I should have expected it though because everybody says that the Junior year is the hardest and most time consuming year of the Biochemistry major. It also does not help that I am working five part-time jobs and going to school full-time. That is right, you heard correctly, five part-time jobs. Ha! I love it! If you are wondering what I am doing, here you go: 1. Manager at Poco Loco Swim Shop 2. Swim coach for Timpview High School 3. Swim coach for the UV Rays 4. Research assistant in an HIV research lab here on campus 5. Private swimming lessons instructor. These jobs and school keep me really busy, but I am totally enjoying my life. The sad part is that I usually do not go out on weekends anymore to play, but I am fine with that because I know that to get into medical school I have to get really good grades so I focus on that instead of not going out and having a good time. That means that I am not seeing any of you and my others friends or planning things to do with them. Sorry... I still enjoy getting invites to do things though and I do make time if people ask me to do things, but I guess I never really got those before because I am the one who usually does the planning of activities. Oh well, such is life. I am also getting sick again so I do not feel too well and I will probably have to go on some new medication for my Crohn's. That is about it that is going on in my life right now. I will blog about it and other important issues when I have more time, but I do not know when this is going to be. I hope all is well with everyone.

Give It 2 Me

11 September 2008

-"Give It 2 Me" by Madonna

Why does Madonna have to be so hot? Only 58 more days until I get to see her! I'm so excited! :)

On My Mind

I have a lot on my mind and I need to get some of it out so this post is going to mainly just be a word vomit of information for all of you.

First, I want to say that I am absolutely in love with school! I love my schedule of Biochemistry, Physical Chemistry, Molecular Biology, and two Physics classes. They are definitely hard and going to kick my butt, but I am excited to start learning again and challenging myself. I am also grateful to have people that I know in everyone of my classes. It is so nice to be an upperclassmen now and have that happen! School has also put me in an amazing research group! I have met only one person in it so far and I like her already. My first training session is next week and I will meet the rest of my research group. I hope that they are equally cool. I also love the sense of purpose that comes from being in school. It helps me formulate goals and drives me to achieve them. It also gives me a set schedule, which is something that I always work better with.

Second, I want to say thanks to all of those who love and support me. I know that sometimes I am not a good friend because I go into hiding and drop off the face of the earth, not responding to emails, texts, and phone calls, but I really do appreciate your thoughts, messages, and concerns for me. It is nice to feel loved. I know that I do not say thank you enough and I am sorry for that. I am working on being a better friend to everyone and I hope that I do not leave any one of my friends behind for feeling like I shunned them. I also would like to say sorry to any of those friends or people in general that I have hurt because of my actions. I am trying to be the best person that I can and I know that sometimes I am not very good, so sorry.

Third, I love getting random emails from people who read my blog because I love making new friends, even if we do not become very good friends. It makes me feel good inside. I recently got an email from someone new this week. He asked me a few questions about my life since we had some common background and I responded. I am still waiting for a response from him, but if he does not respond, I am fine with that. I just hope that he knows that I am friendly and willing to talk if he needs someone.

Fourth, I need more guy friends. I realized that most of my friends who I hang out with regularly are women. I do not mind this, but I need guy interaction. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by women and need some guys to be around. They do not need be gay. In fact, I think it would be better for me if I could make more straight guy friends. I think just hanging around guys helps me control my sexual tension and frustrations better. I am hoping that there will be some guys in my research group that are cool, would want to hang out with me, and who are preferably not gay.

Last, is a little thought that I have been thinking about. I have been asking myself lately, "What is my purpose here on earth?" The answer that I have come up with is usually different than the usual Mormon answers. Here is my answer (I made it more general to fit everyone): Man's purpose is to find out who he really is. The reason why I came up with is this is because most people do not know who they are, what they represent, what their passions are, what they really want in life, what makes them truly happy, etc. They mainly go with the flow and do what everybody else is doing, get into a job they do not like because it pays well, and other things like that.

That is pretty much everything that has been on my mind.

PS This reminds me of a song from the 80's, "What's On Your Mind" by Information Society... "I want to know, what you're thinking. There are somethings you can't hide. I want to know, what you're feeling. Tell me what's on your mind.


07 September 2008
I had an interesting experience last night. I was with a couple of friends who know about me and they asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I told them yes. Then they asked if I had ever done more and I again told them yes. They then told me that it was disgusting and repulsing. What did I do to deserve that treatment? I was just answering their questions honestly and then I get crap thrown in my face. I feel like I really do not deserve it, but I guess it happens and there is nothing that I can do about it now.

The problem is that it makes me wonder if I am disgusting or repulsive and this causes me to sometimes hate myself or hate what is naturally a part of me. They really did not realize how hurtful it was. Sure at the moment, I was able to blow it off and pretend like it did not matter, but the rest of the night I was wondering what else they thought was disgusting or repulsive about me. It is not like I go around telling people that their body makes me want to vomit or their face looks revolting. Why should someone go and tell me that a part of me is that way? I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up, but I did not. I just took it and now after sitting in a regional church conference and stewing over it during the night and that conference, I sort of feel ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I should not though. I should not look to the past and wish things happened differently. I should also not wish that I could be different and not have these attractions. I should live in the here and now and live life with what God has given me.

Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?

The Good Life

Well, everything seems back to normal in my life right now. Sure, I am still on the fence, but right now, I am fine with that. I am living in the here and now and I have some goals for the future. All that I can hope for is the best. It is kind of ironic how I am hoping for the best and right now it seems like I have the best. My life seems to be failing into place. So August, my bishop almost took away me endorsement to BYU. We both saw it unfit to take it away because of the severe damage it would do to me and the path it would probably put me on. Then I found out that I had to take a class before next semester so I could take the MCAT this upcoming summer. It so happened that Microbiology so happened to fit into my schedule perfectly. I have also been talking to a professor about doing research in his lab this year. I have been bugging and talking to him all summer, but he still was not sure at the beginning of school if he would have room in his lab. Well, I got a call and an email from him Friday that I would be working in his lab! We are doing HIV research and trying to find ways that will prevent HIV from attacking the T-Cells. My job is to do genotyping and aligning HIV sequences. If I am good at that, the professor will put me on to bigger and better things. I am really excited for this and it puts me on the road to medical school and hopefully on track for a good year. I also love school and learning. It feels so good to be back in the environment. As many of you know, I am also a swim coach. It looks like Timpview girls will take 4A High School State this year! That is really exciting. I also love my little swimmers on the UV Rays club team that I am coaching. They are so much fun and they always brighten my day!

I am living the good life right now, even though I do not have all the answers to my questions in life and I am fine with that. I can only live in the here and now and hope that one day everything will be good and worked out.

PS If you have not already seen this blog, I think that you should...