07 September 2008
I had an interesting experience last night. I was with a couple of friends who know about me and they asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I told them yes. Then they asked if I had ever done more and I again told them yes. They then told me that it was disgusting and repulsing. What did I do to deserve that treatment? I was just answering their questions honestly and then I get crap thrown in my face. I feel like I really do not deserve it, but I guess it happens and there is nothing that I can do about it now.

The problem is that it makes me wonder if I am disgusting or repulsive and this causes me to sometimes hate myself or hate what is naturally a part of me. They really did not realize how hurtful it was. Sure at the moment, I was able to blow it off and pretend like it did not matter, but the rest of the night I was wondering what else they thought was disgusting or repulsive about me. It is not like I go around telling people that their body makes me want to vomit or their face looks revolting. Why should someone go and tell me that a part of me is that way? I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up, but I did not. I just took it and now after sitting in a regional church conference and stewing over it during the night and that conference, I sort of feel ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I should not though. I should not look to the past and wish things happened differently. I should also not wish that I could be different and not have these attractions. I should live in the here and now and live life with what God has given me.

Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?


Anonymous said...

First off, everyone has a shady past. No matter what you may have done, it doesn't matter. It is in past. We may still feel bad or even long for the things we've done... we are human. For me, I have been trying so hard to get over my past and it has taken years to even get to the point that I am starting to get over it. We should never feel bad or ashamed. If we feel shame, that is Satan's way of grasping us and pulling us down. Guilt and shame are two different things. Guilt can be very healthy and it helps us learn and grow. Shame puts us in Satan's snare and it haunts us. Remember that you are loved and no matter what you do or have done, there are people who will still love you. These friends obviously don't have the conditional love that you deserve. I hope my ramblings put somethings in perspective for you. Let me know if I can do anything to help.


Anonymous said...

I am sorry. Obviously these people only know what they feel. They will never know what it feels like to be attracted to their same gender. I think if they could open their minds and see it from your perspective, they may see it differently. However the majority of society sees being gay as a bad thing. A disgusting, perverse thing. I wish it was not this way. I think this is why for most of us we struggle with self worth and acceptance of ourselves. I agree with d that these friends do not show you the love and support that you deserve and need. I hope that you can find peace with your past and joy in the future. We all have our skeletons in the closet. No one is perfect. But also I think you should not feel shame for expressing love the way you know it. That is just my two cents worth.

Dichotomy said...

It's simply a matter of conditioning and what they've been taught. People raised in certain cultures think it's perfectly normal to eat ants, or dogs, or nearly-hatched chicken embryos. I was raised in a culture where those things were not part of the cuisine, and so it turns my stomach a little to consider eating them.

This doesn't mean I'm a bad person for thinking those things are a little bit repulsive, but it also doesn't mean that the people that eat these things are disgusting or repulsive just because my cultural background differs from theirs.

Your friends were raised in a culture that considers homosexual intimacy wrong. They were raised with that idea and it's reasonable that they would be disturbed a bit by something outside their cultural background. Their reaction was just a visceral reaction to something that differed from what they consider "normal".

If they're good friends, they'll realize that it's your behavior that bothers them (not you yourself) and they will continue to be your friends. As they continue to associate with you their definition of normal will change, because you will become part of their cultural background.

Ask them again after a couple of years of continued association with you (in which they're continually aware of your background) and they'll probably be a lot less uncomfortable with it.

Original Mohomie said...

1. They shouldn't have asked if they couldn't respond respectfully.

2. Are you falling into a common destructive thought process? Did they really ever say YOU were disgusting or repulsive? Maybe that's splitting hairs, but I don't think so.

Abelard Enigma said...

Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?

FWIW, I don't think you are disgusting or repulsive. Their comments were completely inappropriate - even if said in jest.

Was it Mark Twain who said something like "better to let people think you are a fool then to open your mouth and remove all doubt"

Sean said...

First of all, I want to say thanks for everyone's comments. After having thought about this some, I agree with Dichotomy.

Mohomie- you are right that they didn't call me disgusting or repulsive. They just said that those actions were disgusting and repulsive. I guess I sort of took it the wrong way by applying it to myself. I am feeling much better about the topic now. Writing it out helped me clear my mind and think about it a little more, along with peoples comments.

Kengo Biddles said...

Tough--you don't want to rip them a new one for being such misanthropic clods, but at the same time, you'd think if they'd ask such a question they'd at least be a little more open minded.

And you're not disgusting, or repulsive.

You're awesome.

Robert said...

I don't think you're disgusting or repulsive. You're really a good guy. Just understand that they haven't had the priviledge to learn to not judge in matters that are completely foreign to them.

Z i n j said...

Hi Sean...sometimes I wonders????

We /us/ they ....failed to read what I (sean) said in my blog--I need a break.

but.....then you ask>>>Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?

Now as to something to think about from your own words..."She likes me a lot. She has been putting the moves on me and trying to get some action from her. The thing is that I do not want to kiss her or even get close to her. It kind of REPULSES me to be quite honest."

So you were polite and caring in not telling them (the gals) whereas your friends were very insensitive in not validating you as a human.

Sean said...

Zinj- I guess you caught me... ha! I guess the thought of kissing a girl repulses me just like the thought of me kissing a guy repulses them. Like I said in my last comment, I totally overreacted and should not have acted the way that I did. I'm fine with everything now. I also did tell her that I didn't want to do anything with her and it kind of broke her heart. I did tell her that I wasn't interested in her like that and that I just wanted to be friends. Well, that didn't turn out well cause now she won't talk to me anymore. Such is life sometimes.

playasinmar said...

have your friends seen what straight people do? That's disgusting!

Some Like It Hot said...

You are not disgusting nor repulsive.

Just learn not to answer questions like that again. As I haven't learnt the hard way, there are many in the Church that aren't able to talk about homosexuality.