22 July 2008
When I received word from the First Presidency that I could not go on a mission, both my stake president and bishop told me that I should start thinking about marriage--that dating should become more serious. They told me to start looking for women that could be potential wives. This is great and all and at the moment I was ready to jump on the marriage bandwagon. Then all of the sudden, I hit a brick wall. What was I thinking? I am nowhere near marriage and I am not even sure if I want to marry someone. My life has the possibility of being easier if I never marry. What am I supposed to do? The answer is that I do not know. I kept putting off thinking about marriage because I was going on a mission and I did not need to think about it at the moment. Well things have changed drastically and my life is completely different than it was three months ago.

Now that my mind has cleared a little bit, I realize that I am not ready for marriage even if I find someone who would be good for me to marry. I want to say that I twenty years old. In my mind, I am way too young to get married. I still have a lot of life to live and quite frankly, I am still making a lot of mistakes that I do not want to put on a wife. I think a good age to get married is around twenty-five. That way I have experienced life and I have my hormones semi-under control. I also think that twenty year olds cannot make a very good decision on who they are supposed to spend the rest of their lives with. Hormones are too controlling and I know first hand how certain desires can control your thoughts and actions.

The other question is if I even want to marry. I have done a lot of thinking on this topic. It would be great to have someone to spend the rest of my life with--to hold, kiss, cuddle, share feelings, have sex, to have my own children with, and enjoy life with. Then at the same time, I have been finding a lot of fulfillment in my friends lately. I have enjoyed hanging out with them and being close to them. I could see myself not having someone there as long as I have a good friends around me. This probably would not be too hard for me because a lot of people call me a social butterfly and I seem to always have people around me. I am not sure which route to take. I see great benefits to both.

The one downside for marrying though is the difficulty that comes with a Mixed Orientation Marriage (MOM). I realize that marriage is hard in general, but a MOM is going to be much more difficult. There are a lot of issues that can come up because of it and it can be very painful on both me and my wife. Then there is always the possibility of me screwing up and hurting her really bad (I know for a fact right now that if I got married I would probably screw up and hurt somebody really bad).

With these thoughts, where does this leave me? The answer is still I do not know. I guess that I am still going to keep dating, but not take it too seriously. I am going to go out for fun like I have always done in the past. I will get to know people and become friends with them. If something starts to get serious, I will continue to date but not really look at marriage as an option until I am older. I kind of feel like I am putting off my decision about this, but I have to because I am only twenty. I cannot give a strong yes or no on the topic because of my age. I still have a lot of living to do. I will still have hope, yet at the same time, I am going to be realistic and realize that it may never happen. I might end up being the cool, rich, attractive, bachelor doctor that everybody loves.

Physical Attraction

18 July 2008
One opinion of homosexuality that I have had over the years has started to change drastically as I have experienced life and talked with friends. I remember me saying that my attractions are so much more than physical and that I do not really understand why people are so caught up in the physical. I have discovered that I was lying to myself and to others and that others are lying to themselves too.

I hear people say all the time that their attractions and homosexuality in general is so much more than physical and that the deeper level of attractions (emotional, character, etc.) are what define who they are attracted to. If this was true, then it would be easy to marry a woman and we would not have to worry too much about having physical attraction problems in that marriage. It is easy to find a woman attractive in many different levels, at least for me it is. So why do we not marry a woman? The answer is simple than most people think--physical attractions play a greater role than emotional. That is why most MoHos are afraid to get close to women and start a relationship with them. They know that physical has a huge role, but then they lie to themselves in situations that involve men.

Physical attractions are what usually begin the interest in someone and start the infamous crush. A crush usually causes people to get to know each other or at least want to get to know each other. As the relationship develops, emotional attractions and deeper level attractions start to form. When these start to form, people start to throw out physical attractions. The problem with doing that is that people are lying to themselves. The physical is still there very strongly. The physical is what makes you want to cuddle, kiss, hug, and have sex with the person you are crushing on or in love with. If it is not there, we would not want to do any of those things with someone.

Shooting Drugs

15 July 2008
I have started yet another medical treatment--it is the really expensive one that I talked about in an earlier blog. I had my first treatment on Friday and it was wonderful! I was in the IV Fusion ward (it is where chemotherapy and other drugs like that are given) of the hospital for three hours. I sat and relaxed in chair, read, ate, and drank tons of water. The medicine was not too painful but it felt really weird going in and as time progressed I could actually feel it in my system. It was a crazy feeling. I finished about 1 and continued with my day.

Friday was an ok day because the drugs were clogging my mind and causing severe headaches, nausea, and heartburn. I went to see Hancock with Salad, Drex, and Michael for Salad's birthday and had fun. Then I went to my brother's birthday party. I met a girl there who was a lot of fun and she seemed to be interested in me. I got her phone number and we text off and on. I think I will take her out sometime. That night I slept really well--it was the first night in about a month where I did not wake up in severe pain.

Saturday was a wonderful day! I felt so good. I have not felt that good in months. I did a lot on Saturday because I felt so good. My friend Traveller came from Salt Lake to hang out with me. Michael came later and we played, ate, DDRed and ice blocked! It was so much fun and so worth it. I did receive some injuries from ice blocking but it was nothing too serious (one is in the picutre). Then Calvin came over later and the four of us watch "Who's That Girl." It is an 80's movie with Madonna--I absolutely love her. It was a blast and a half. It was one the best days that I have had in long time. My mom got mad at me and told me that I needed to take it easy, but I had to play because I felt so good. I again slept really well the next night. Everyone also commented on how good and how much better I looked today.

Sunday was another good day. Church was ok and I was supposed to have a meeting with my bishop to put my service mission papers in, but he was in surgery--he had been in surgery since 6 that morning so I really did not care or fault him because he was helping someone have a better life. Then I read a lot and went over to Salad's and Drex's for her birthday. It was again fun and I ate pie! Something that I have not had in long time. I was still feeling good, but I started to notice something was a little off as the night progressed. I really did not think anything of it. Then I went to bed and slept the whole night again.

Ever since that initial feeling of something being a little off, I have been having some problems pop up again--pain and trouble digesting. Other than that, things are going well. I probably should take my mom's advice and take it easier which I am going to do. I did not expect everything to be better in one treatment, but I was really surprised with how good I felt the next day. I have another treatment on the 25th and I hope it will continue to my body good.

This experience just shows everyone and myself that things always get better. Just stick it out and take one step at a time.

One Step

06 July 2008
One thing that I have learned in my life is that it takes one step at a time and dedication to get anywhere in life. I probably learned this best from swimming. When I first started swimming competitively, all I could think about was how hard it was. I, however, loved it and wanted to keep doing it. I continued to go to practice and I became better very quickly. I soon moved up to the advanced group, but this was even harder than before. I started to not like swimming as much, but it was because of the practices. I loved competing, the pool, and my friends. I soon started to not show up some practices and when I was at practice, I would make excuses and not work hard. Eventually my lacking of working hard started to show. I stop progressing and I started to slow down. I talked with my coach and she gave me a hard lesson. She told me that it was my fault and that I needed to just do the simple things like coming to practice and working hard everyday to continue to progress. I started to do this and I started to progress again. I rededicated myself and started taking small steps that took my on to bigger and better things. After all of my hard work, I became a state, far western, zones, and sectionals champion.

This lesson could also never be more true in my life right now. Quite frankly, my life seems to suck to some people because I have Crohn's Disease and I am attracted to men. Most days I am in extreme pain and have severe nausea and diarrhea. Then I am sometimes really horny and wanting a relationship and action with guys. It seems like a battle that I cannot win. Some people have asked me why I just do not give up. The answer is that it all comes from the lesson I learned of dedication and one step at a time. I take one day at a time and try to my hardest to make it the best day that I can. I could just sit around, do nothing, and mope about my crappy life, but I choose to continue to be active, go to school, work, and hang out with friends. If I let these thing bog me down, then my life will truly suck and I will hate life and probably God.

My advice for everyone is just to take life one step at a time. Sure there may be days where life is really hard, but there is always tomorrow and the hope for a better day. Do not give up on life. It will eventually get better despite everything that you might be going through right now. These past couple of weeks, I have gone through hell and back and it looks like after this morning I am heading for hell again, but I am not going to give up. I am just going to take one step at a time and try to live my life to the best of my ability. I hope that you will do the same.

S Club 7

03 July 2008

-"Bring It All Back" by S Club 7

I absolutely love S Club 7 and this really brought up my spirits today when I listened to it in my car. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do! :)

Pain in the Intestines!

01 July 2008
So it is nearly 4 am and I am awake. No surprise with how my life has been going lately. This is about the fourth week of a really bad flare up of my Crohn's Disease. The thing about this one is that it is also my worst one that I have ever had. I have severe internal bleeding, stabbing pain, burning pain, my mucosa layer is being ripped away from the other layers, giant ulcers, and sleepless nights. I also found out that the medication I am on is no longer working. That means I again have to switch--something I am not excited for. The new medication that I am going on is an injection in my abdomen that is similar in pain and viscosity to the "peanut butter" or gamaglobulin shot. That means that it is going to be extremely painful and fun for me. The best part about the shot is that it is $5,000 a pop! All of this is definitely the joy of my life right now! ;)

I feel so out of control right now. I have not been to church in four weeks because I feel like shit whenever I wake up or I cannot get out of bed because my body is so exhausted from my sleepless nights. I do not know what to do sometimes. I feel like I cannot do anything sometimes. I want to live a normal life, but I feel so hindered. I was planning on taking a vacation this past weekend to sunny California to relax, but it was canceled last minute because I started bleeding and the doctor told me not to go because I am close to being in the hospital. UGH! My parents have also banned me from moving out of the house again because they feel like my life is too out of control for me to handle it myself. I am pretty sure that I can handle myself just fine, but I am going to follow the wishes of my parent and hopefully get my life "under" control. Another sad event is that I probably cannot go on a service mission now, which is something that I decided to do and started to get really excited for. It makes me melancholy and feel out of control. I do not know what to do to help me feel in control anymore. I guess the best thing to do is wait and see what happens with the new medication.

I have also noticed a drop in my spirituality these past couple of weeks. I think it is tied to all of the pain that I am going through along with me not going to church in 4 weeks. There are probably some other reasons that are a part of it, but I am not sure what they are right now. I guess that I have to continue to have faith and hope for a better, more controlled future, but sometimes it is really hard. I am sick of everything that I am going through. I just wish it would all end sometimes.

In other news, I met a few new people this past week and I had a blast with them. It was nice to meet them and they helped me get my mind off of my pain and whatnot. I guess the secret is to keep myself busy and forget the pain--easier said than done seeing how it is summer break.

*NOTE: This post was not made for you to give me pity. It was needed for me to vent my frustrations. That means I do NOT want any pity comments because I absolutely hate people pitying me in my situation.