Pain in the Intestines!

So it is nearly 4 am and I am awake. No surprise with how my life has been going lately. This is about the fourth week of a really bad flare up of my Crohn's Disease. The thing about this one is that it is also my worst one that I have ever had. I have severe internal bleeding, stabbing pain, burning pain, my mucosa layer is being ripped away from the other layers, giant ulcers, and sleepless nights. I also found out that the medication I am on is no longer working. That means I again have to switch--something I am not excited for. The new medication that I am going on is an injection in my abdomen that is similar in pain and viscosity to the "peanut butter" or gamaglobulin shot. That means that it is going to be extremely painful and fun for me. The best part about the shot is that it is $5,000 a pop! All of this is definitely the joy of my life right now! ;)

I feel so out of control right now. I have not been to church in four weeks because I feel like shit whenever I wake up or I cannot get out of bed because my body is so exhausted from my sleepless nights. I do not know what to do sometimes. I feel like I cannot do anything sometimes. I want to live a normal life, but I feel so hindered. I was planning on taking a vacation this past weekend to sunny California to relax, but it was canceled last minute because I started bleeding and the doctor told me not to go because I am close to being in the hospital. UGH! My parents have also banned me from moving out of the house again because they feel like my life is too out of control for me to handle it myself. I am pretty sure that I can handle myself just fine, but I am going to follow the wishes of my parent and hopefully get my life "under" control. Another sad event is that I probably cannot go on a service mission now, which is something that I decided to do and started to get really excited for. It makes me melancholy and feel out of control. I do not know what to do to help me feel in control anymore. I guess the best thing to do is wait and see what happens with the new medication.

I have also noticed a drop in my spirituality these past couple of weeks. I think it is tied to all of the pain that I am going through along with me not going to church in 4 weeks. There are probably some other reasons that are a part of it, but I am not sure what they are right now. I guess that I have to continue to have faith and hope for a better, more controlled future, but sometimes it is really hard. I am sick of everything that I am going through. I just wish it would all end sometimes.

In other news, I met a few new people this past week and I had a blast with them. It was nice to meet them and they helped me get my mind off of my pain and whatnot. I guess the secret is to keep myself busy and forget the pain--easier said than done seeing how it is summer break.

*NOTE: This post was not made for you to give me pity. It was needed for me to vent my frustrations. That means I do NOT want any pity comments because I absolutely hate people pitying me in my situation.