The Final Countdown

27 April 2009
It's the final countdown...

The MCAT is this Saturday! I only have 5 days left! I can't even explain how I am feeling right now, but I guess I'll try. It's a mixture of excitement, anxiety, confidence, fear, happiness, stress, and basically every emotion that I have ever felt in my life. This test is going to determine where I end up living for the next couple years of my life, what kind of school I'm going to be going to, and what kind of career I'm going to have. It's going to be sweet! I've dedicated the past 5 months to hardcore studying. There have been many long days and nights in the library where I have studies pretty much all day and there are only a few more long days of studying left! I feel ready and I hope all of my preparation will all pay off (my goal score is a 35). Anyways, I'd appreciate it if you all kept me in your thoughts and prayers this week and especially on Saturday between the hours of 12-5 pm MST.


23 April 2009
As Madonna says, "Time goes by so slowly" and at the same time, "I've only got four minutes to save the world..."

This, however, doesn't seen to be happening to me right now. It's going way too fast and those four minutes are coming to an end faster than I want! There's so little time, yet so much to do! Holy crapola! Where has all the time gone? I finished the semester yesterday and I'm officially a senior, even though I have technically been a senior since my sophomore year. I only have one year of college left! I'm kind of freaking out about that. I'm going to be applying to medical schools this up and coming month. I'm going to be working very hard on publishing a paper this summer. There is so much to do! I also have my MCAT in about a week and half (wish me luck)! It's crazy, psycho, and really exciting all at once. All that I can think is WOW! My life has come and gone and continues to come and go.

I look back to my freshman year here at BYU and in three short, yet long years, I have become a man. I feel like I am no longer the little boy who started college. The one who was nervous, scared, yet confident at the same time. That confidence has grown more and more as I have come out and become comfortable with who I am. No longer am I scared to be proud of who I am. No longer am I scared to show everybody my smarts, my skills, my passions, and basically everything about me. (On a side note, I ran into a bunch of old friends from high school and they didn't recognize me. They told me that I have changed so much and I'm very happy about that.) I am who I am and if people don't like me, that's their own fault. For instance, I wore my Madonna shirt to a final the other day and everybody just looked at me like I was insane and some started laughing. I told them not to judge and that Madonna is amazing. They all got serious and quiet. It was amazing! I also wore my "I heart, heart, heart, polygamy" shirt yesterday. I had some people give me crazy looks, but others thought it was amazing! I even had one of my favorite professors tell me that she wished she had the confidence to wear that shirt on campus. It was pretty much amazing! I have finally found who I am and I am extremely happy!

I love being me! I love my life! I love who I am! I can't wait to get into the real world and show the world who I am and what I can do! I can't wait to accomplish my goals and purpose in life! There is so much good I can do in my life and it's about that time to start happening! I can't wait to save lives! I can't wait to change the world! It's my time and I'm ready for the challenge!

As I look at my time here at BYU, I know I wouldn't have become the person that I am today without actually being here at BYU. I'm pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I know a lot of people regret coming to BYU because they came out to themselves here and couldn't be their true selves, but I feel the opposite. I feel like my experience here has let me become my true self. It has helped me gain a sense of who I am and what I want to do with my life. Also, thanks to Michael, I was able to stand up for something that I truly believed in. BYU has been great for me, even though I have hated it at times. It has also reinforced some of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of college.

My path is still opened to me and I am taking it with confidence and one step at a time.

PS I love this website! It makes my life a little bit better everyday. (Thanks Camille for introducing me to it!)

Sad Story

17 April 2009
Today has been a day of highs and lows. I first felt amazing with my grade on my physiology final and then when I was studying, I felt perfectly fine. I felt like I really needed to go the retirement center, where I volunteer at least one a week, today. I wasn't planning on going, but I know that it was worth it--even though I feel like crap after going.

Today, I met a brand new lady who just moved into the center. I'll call her Lucille. As, I was waiting to help out with the activity. She walked past the room I'm sitting in three times bawling her eyes out. After the third pass, I walked up to her and started talking to her. At first, she was very standoffish because she thought I was a worker there. Then when she found out that I was just a visitor, she warmed up to me. I asked why she was crying and what I could do to help. She then went into a rant and a rave about how she hated living in the center and how lonely she was. She had only been there for a week and she said that nobody liked her and nobody would visit her. Instead of helping with the activity, I took her for a walk. She ranted and raved the whole time and kept telling me the same things over and over again (I'm pretty sure that she has Alzheimer's) . I sat and listened to her quietly. I felt so bad for her. I wanted to cry with her, but I held back my tears to show her that everything will be okay or at least I hoped so.

I'm not sure if this is true or not, but she told me that her family tricked her into coming to Utah--she was supposed to live with her daughter here. She lived there for a week before they took her to the center. This story wanted to make me cry even more--she felt like a prisoner. After our walk, we went up to her room. I have been in other rooms and they are usually decorated and nice. Her room had a bed and a TV. That was it. Her family really didn't provide her with anything to make her room look nicer. We sat and watched an episode of "I Love Lucy" and then it was time for dinner. I usually go when it's dinner time because I'm not allowed to eat with them, unless I want to pay. I walked her down to the dining room and was telling her goodbye. She then burst into tears again because she said that she didn't want me to leave. I told her that I would stay and I paid for my dinner. It was really good to be there for her. Then when I really had to leave after dinner, I hated telling her that I had to go. I told her about my finals and the test I have to take tomorrow and she grudgingly said goodbye to me. I gave her a big hug and told her that I'd be back to visit her.

I think one good thing came out of me leaving when I did. There was another lady who I'll call Myrna who came up to ask me about this new lady. I introduced them and I think that they went for a walk together--I'm not sure because I left after I introduced them. I hope that they did because Myrna will be a good friend to her and hopefully help her make some friends. I'm glad that I decided to go instead of staying at school and studying because I know that I might have made her life/day/week a little bit better by being there for her today.

I still feel like crap though. I know that I should feel better about doing what I did--I was there for someone who needed me. I have always made that one of my life goals to be accomplished whenever I can because nobody was there for me when I needed them most. I, however, still don't feel good about it. It might be because I'm a lot like her. I sometimes feel like I am a prisoner. I sometimes feel like nobody loves me. I sometimes wish for a better life. I know that I can't change my life and that I have to make the best of it, which I am. I'm preparing for medical school, I'm helping discover new things about HIV, I'm serving others, and I'm living life to the fullest, yet something still feels like it's missing. An integral part of me is missing and I'm not sure what it is.

Anyways, that's my sad story. Back to the books...

Finals = Annoying People

So it is finals week and everybody has decided to take over my beloved study grounds. UGH! I hate them. They drive me insane and are absolutely annoying. They take my favorite spots to study. They bring big groups of people who talk really loud in no talking zones--I don't mind them being there, but it's when they talk that puts me over the top. They take all of the computers. They bother you when you are trying to concentrate. UGH! Just shut up and leave me and my study areas alone! Please! I'm just trying to do well on my finals and study for the MCAT.

PS I totally rocked my Physiology final today--a 97%! Finals started off on a good foot! :)

Missing Out

08 April 2009
Don't you ever feel like you are missing out on things so you can achieve your life goals?

Well, I certainly feel that way right now. I hear of friends going out and having a good time--sometimes they invite me to come along, but I don't go. This is due to the fact that I'm taking the MCAT really soon! I wish I could have the best of both worlds, but I know myself too well. I know that if I go out and play/party, I will feel guilty later about not studying, especially when I don't do as well as I hoped to do on the MCAT. I keep telling myself it is only a couple weeks away and that everything will get back to normal--where I can have fun and see friends again. It doesn't help out too much right now though. I

also keep telling my that all of my studying is paying off and it is. I took a practice test yesterday and got a 36! I was totally pumped! My goal score is a 35 and I'm thinking about increasing it to a 40. I've been consistently getting better and I really hope that when test day comes, I'll get the at least a 35. I would be completely stoked if I got a 40 because that means that I could go anywhere I wanted to, I achieved my goal, I have bragging rights with some of my friends, I can possibly get a couple of scholarships, I am one step closer in achieve my believed purpose in life, and I can celebrate hardcore.

Despite the things that I am missing, I know that things will be better off for all of my hard work. Then life can get back to normal. Sigh... back to studying... :)