High School

31 December 2008
I received a message from a girl I knew in high school a couple of days ago telling me that she has been stalking my blog. The first thought was amazement. There have been a lot of people from high school who have found my blog. They have sent me emails or texts letting me know that they read my blog. I guess the main thing that amazes me is that they are perfectly fine with everything. It doesn't freak out them out that I'm gay. I would think that there would be a lot more people in happy valley that would be freaking out about it, but they aren't. It's nice to know that there are still a lot of good people out there who don't care about who I am attracted to, but rather who I am as a person. It also amazes me with how many find actually find my blog. It makes me wonder what they are searching for and how they find it. I remember a time when I was afraid that people would find out, but now I'm completely fine with it.

High school was not a good time for me. In fact, I hated high school with a passion. I was always angry, bitter, and rarely happy. I could fake everything--people thought I was the happiest person, that I had tons of friends, that I loved life, that I was straight, and many other things. The truth of the matter is that none of these things were my life. Sure, there were moments when I was happy and I could find solace and peace of my whenever I jumped into the pool, but my life was not what most people in my high school thought it was.

My angry and bitter stage of life started in middle school. I had a good amount of friends, but nobody I really connected with. I was welcomed into groups but I felt like an outsider. It hurt and nobody seemed to notice. I soon developed addictions to gay pornography and masturbation because it helped the pain go away for a moment, but it always came back. Then high school happened. A lot of my "close" friends from middle school ditched me and left me on my own. That hurt really bad and caused me to be even angrier. The loneliness never really went away. Nobody was helping me to fix it. Nobody was helping me get over my addictions. I prayed to God for help, but nothing happened. I went and talked to my bishop about my addictions, but he too was no help. He seemed uncaring and I never went back to him for help. I couldn't turn to my parents and friends because they wouldn't understand. They had no idea what I was going through because they seemed too absorbed in their own life. I couldn't go to any of my other church leaders because I didn't trust them because of my bishop and one of my leaders kept telling me that I was going inactive. My testimony fell apart and it has always been a struggle to get it back because of these events that happened to me.

Then I turned 16. It was a time for dating and excitement. I wasn't excited to date because I did have any guy friends to go on double or group dates with. I, however, found some guy friends and we were able to go on groups dates, but the loneliness still pervaded my essence and my being. I couldn't rid myself of it. A short time after I turned 16, I finally discovered the real reason why I was lonely--I came out to myself. I realized that I was gay because I had a huge crush on this guy. He was so attractive, sweet, and funny. I caught myself staring at him and wanting to be with him. I had crushes throughout middle school and my freshman year of high school on guys, but I always told myself it was because I wanted to be like them and that I wanted to be their friend. Ha! That was a huge lie. Even though I came out to myself, I was still in denial. I knew deep down that I was gay, but I didn't want to be. I still looked at porn, had crushes, and sneaked glances at guys in locker rooms, but I was in denial. This caused me to still be angry and bitter in life and my testimony was gone.

I came out a couple of months after high school. I made an amazing friend. I found that I wasn't lonely anymore and that I was happy outside of the swimming pool. I told that friend and he came out to me too--he was the first person I told that I was gay and I was the first person he told that he was gay. It was a good time and we were in love. This is besides the point though. I have changed so much from high school. I am finally happy. I have found meaning, purpose, passions, and everything between in my life. I am a completely different person!

Tonight, I am going right back into high school. Some old high school friends that I promised I would hang out with this break are throwing a New Year's Eve party. I wanted so bad to get out of it, but I couldn't--no other plans. The girl who is throwing it called me this morning and told me who was all going to be there and it is all of my old high school friends--I haven't seen them in over 2 years. I know that none of them have changed, but I know that I have changed drastically--some high school friends that I keep in contact with agree with me on that. I'm kind of scared to go back to them. I have no idea what they will think of me. I don't care if they assume that I am gay, know that I am gay, or ask me that I am gay--I'm over that now. It's more if they don't accept the new me. I know that I shouldn't care because they aren't even part of my life anymore, but I do. They were the ones who didn't ditch me in high school like so many other friends did. Yet, they were the friends who didn't notice my pain and agony. Ugh! This is so frustrating sometimes. I hope that their judgments will not make me fall out of my happiness that I've found myself in right now.

Abuse

27 December 2008

Abuse hinders normal development
Therapists face daunting task in treating children

By Lucinda Dillon Kinkead
Deseret Morning News

Child sexual abuse cases are some of the most sensitive faced by therapists because the daunting issues of a child's behavior, sexuality, appropriate development, peer interaction and family dynamics all are impacted with these crimes.

Doug Goldsmith is director of The Children's Center at the University of Utah, which hosts a therapeutic preschool for 350 children ages 3, 4 and 5. About 40 percent of these children have been physically and/or sexually abused.

The age group is — appropriately — quite interested in their own bodies, he said.

"So if a child is masturbating, it does not mean the child has been sexually abused. If the child is wetting the bed, it doesn't mean they've been sexually abused," Goldsmith said.

But committing sex acts in a way an adult would is not age-appropriate. "Committing oral sex is not something that comes naturally to a child of this age. Putting things into the vaginal area is not something that is normal," he said.

An examination of child psychology and sexual abuse also must consider the uncomfortable notion that the crimes are not always entirely unpleasant to the child.

"A part of it feels terrible to the child. It can make them scared and confused," Goldsmith said. "But a part of it can also feel good." In some cases perpetrators have created a "secret" or "special" relationship with the child.

So a young child who has been exposed to sexually inappropriate touching, behavior or pornography often becomes "eroticized," he said.

"They are preoccupied with sexual feelings," Goldsmith said. Problems increase when that child moves into elementary school years. "Many stay very excited and sexualized."

So these children, victims of abuse themselves, begin inappropriate contact with other children.

In some cases, a child who has been made to feel helpless through abuse may try to gain power and control by abusing another child. In other cases it can be an effort to create "twinship," Goldsmith explains. "If I've been abused and you've been abused, then we have something in common."

"So this is not just about finding the adult perpetrator," Goldsmith warns. "It is happening in our communities."

And it is happening between children. This sexualizing of very young children is the most daunting aspect of child sexual abuse, he says.

"This is one of the problems, and putting a stop to it is very, very difficult."

For this reason, Goldsmith encourages adults to supervise children at all times, no matter what age. No closed doors. No kids playing upstairs while Mom or Dad are downstairs.

Through counseling, child victims can learn how to soothe themselves and interact appropriately, he said. "But it's a significant, significant relearning process."

The topic also raises issues beyond criminal actions to this society's outlook on sexuality and the situations in which adults include kids.

Is it a wonder, Goldsmith asks, that our children are having trouble with appropriate sexuality?

In public, we've got Britney Spears, Victoria's Secret catalogs and Abercrombie & Fitch ads with teenage girls showing half their breasts, he says. In private, there is an "epidemic" of men addicted to computer pornography. "We really don't know what kids are being exposed to," he said.

"Or kids in the birthing room," Goldsmith laments. "Is it not confusing to a 4-year-old to see his baby brother born?"

Has it gotten out of hand with children?

"Absolutely," said Goldsmith.

With 50 percent of marriages falling apart and new partners coming onto the scene, children watch as Daddy kisses his girlfriend — or worse, Goldsmith said.

"Kids are watching incredibly inappropriate behavior between parents," he said. "We really have to take a look at these issues and ask: 'What are we modeling for our kids?"'

I have been talking a friend about the topic of abuse because we were discussing my childhood. I was a very promiscuous child. I was exploring sexuality at a very young age. I know that it started with masturbation around the age of four or five, if not before then. It then developed into having oral sex with my friends. He sent me the article above and it has made me wonder if I was sexually abused and don't remember it. I always thought that I was just a promiscuous child and that I curious--that I discovered what felt good. I have no idea anymore and I don't know what to think. Another strike against me for abuse is that when I played Barbies with my girl friends, we would have sex to make babies. Most children shouldn't know how to do that. I knew. I don't think my parents told me about it and I know that my girl friends didn't know what it was until I explained it to them. I never really thought about it because I have always had a curiosity for the human body. Maybe this curiosity is what drove me to discover these things or maybe I was abused. I don't know.

I was up pretty late last night thinking about my childhood. I was racking my brains trying to figure out if and when I was abused. It had to be at a young age if I was. If I was abused, I am pretty sure that it wasn't my parents--it would have been a peer. I don't know though. It hurts me to think about this because I became an abuser myself by teaching my friends about sex and sexuality. I just hope that I didn't hurt any of them and turn them gay like I might have been turned gay. The thing is that I don't feel like an abuser because I introduced the idea to them and they went along with it--I didn't force them to do anything. Ugh! This is so frustrating to think about.

Does anyone else have similar experiences like this? If so, I would like to chat. Please send me an email or comment here.

Does anyone have thoughts about this topic? If so, please share.

Tidal Wave

21 December 2008

-"Tidal Wave" by The Killers

He’s always trouble with his non-complacent
Shotgun eyes, shotgun eyes
His subtlety, his mystery
Not like the other guys

She’s always taken by his reputation
He’s so bad, he’s so bad
On Saturday night, they’re running for the shadow

You say your heart ain’t ever been broken
You think you know where you’re going
Tidal wave
Tidal wave come rushing over me
You say this life has given you nothing
You got another thing coming
Tidal wave
Tidal wave come rushing over me

He’ll get a warning sign to keep his distance
From her old man, from her old man
Now the story of forbidden love
Has gotta make a stand

So in the middle of the early morning
They’ll slip away, slip away
And we know they’ll do their best
Somewhere in the golden west

Oh yeah, and we’ll watch them drive
They’re so alive

You say your heart ain’t ever been broken
You think you know where you’re going
Tidal wave
Tidal wave come rushing over me
You say this life has given you nothing
You got another thing coming
Tidal wave
Tidal wave come rushing over me
Tidal wave

These tidal waves are caught off track
Come tomorrow, cause I can’t go back
Come together, can’t you see
Tidal wave gonna cover me.
These tidal waves are caught off track
Come tomorrow, cause I can’t go back
Come together, can’t you see
Tidal wave gonna cover me.

Cover me
I can’t go back
Can’t you see

Looking Back

16 December 2008
About two years ago, I came out to my first friend. That friend then came out to me that very same night and we became boyfriends. In a couple of days, it will mark the day that I last talked to him. That was a very hard day for me. As I look back, the separation was the best for the both of us. This event is what started me on my journey of self-discovery. I have learned so much in just two years about life, love, myself, friends, the world, and so much more. I know that I couldn't have done this with him in my life. He consumed me during the time when we were together. He was always on my mind. We were always texting, doing homework, hanging out, watching movies, swimming, playing, working out, eating (one of our favorite past times after swimming or working out), and many other things. We were inseparable. He is now serving a mission. He has made different choices in his life that led him there. He went on a different journey of self-discovery than me. There are days that I wish I would have been on a different path so I could be on a mission right now like him and there are other days that I am glad that I am on a different path and not a mission. There is one thing that I wish I could change though--I wish I could still be friends with him.

I realize that I can't change the past, the different paths that I have been on, and the choices I have made. I can only choose the path that I am on at this moment. I love the path that I am on. It has taught so much about myself. It has started a new period of self-discovery. What is my path now? It is the path of things that I love and am passionate about. I am in love with swimming, coaching, medicine, school, Madonna, research, my goals, and my friends. These things fill my time and teach me so many things. I have learned that I absolutely love life, even though it sucks sometimes (actually this semester life has pretty much sucked the whole time). I have learned not to feel lonely and if I do how to fix that. I have learned that people love and miss me. I have learned that I am a leader, not a follower (I have always known this but it has become more prevalent in my life). I have learned that I can have one of the hardest semesters in my collegiate career and come off top in all of my classes. I have learned that I don't have to hide anything anymore--I am who I am, which includes all of my faults. I have learned about HIV and I am starting to write a paper with my advising professor. I have learned to create and achieve bigger and better goals in my life. I have seen Madonna in concert and that renewed my love for her. I learned at the concert that she is amazing live! I have a renewed passion for swimming and coaching it. I have had a greater sense of my calling in life. I know that I am supposed to be doctor, even though I have many other talents in other areas. The last major and probably most important lesson I have learned is balancing all areas of my life. These things that I have learned have all come from the path that I am on right now--the one that I chose.

Where does this lead me now? Do I change paths, stay on the one that I am, or do I move in the same direction while exploring little side paths? I'm not sure. I go by feel. I do what I feel is right. I know that the path that I am on is wrong for me when areas of my life start to suffer because of choices I have made--the balance is thrown off. I'm going to keep on trekking in this life to find out what it is supposed to be and who I am.

One last thing that I want to say is that I am finally truly happy with no conditions placed upon my happiness. I love myself, my life, and everything that it involves! :)

Christmas Spirit

14 December 2008

I found this little treasure online today. This man sure found a way to show the true meaning of Christmas in this Santa Claus race in Paris, France.

Valpal

13 December 2008
This entry to going to be about my best and most favorite cousin in the whole entire world! Let's just say that I have always loved her a lot, but now I love her even more. She's the best!

Last weekend, I went down to Arizona with a bunch of my swimmers to a huge swim meet. While I was there, I got some sun, met an Olympian, had great fun, met up with my cousin, met her awesome boyfriend, and came out to her (this is why I love her even more now). The story behind my coming out to her was anticlimactic--I thought it would be. I have been thinking about coming out to her since I first came out, but my parents wanted to keep it on the DL with family members so I refrained myself. I finally decided that it was my decision whether or not to come out to her, not my parents, so I planned on doing it on this trip.

She picked me up for dinner and fun. We chatted in the car on the way to her boyfriend's house. We caught up on what what going on in each others lives and had a few good laughs. I met her boyfriend and we headed off to see a glass art exhibit off in the desert. Well, the exhibit didn't happen because it was already sold out--that was disappointing, but that didn't ruin the night. We then headed off to an amazing Mexican restaurant (I can't remember the name). On the way there, I told her that I was gay. She told me that she expected and that she knew because she has read my whole blog. We then chatted about everything... my past boyfriends, life, parents, future, goals, etc. It was really good and her boyfriend was really cool about the whole thing too. I am really happy that she and I are much closer now and that things are going well for the both of us.

Flash forward to this morning...

I received a text from her last night. I actually didn't get it until this morning because I was asleep--I went to bed around 9 because I had a rough day yesterday that involved spending most of the day at the hospital and getting a colonoscopy. This is what her text read:
Hey cuz. I stumbled onto an article today about a BYU art exhibit and to my surprise saw your cute face and your brother. I want to tell you how much that meant to me. When I saw those pictures I just cried. Sean, I am so proud of you. I think about you a lot and I love you so much. I'm glad we were finally able to talk.
This was such a wonderful text. I started crying this morning when I got it. It made me feel so good and loved. It makes me so happy to know that I can be so close to her. I only wish that she lived closer so that we could hang out and party. I can't wait until she comes and visits for Christmas. It is going to be a blast!

I love you Valpal! :)

PS I'm thinking about coming out to my extended family this Christmas. Does anyone have some thoughts or advice on it?

Getting Published

01 December 2008
I just got out of the meeting with my professor and he basically told me that if I work on the project he gave me and gave some insightful discussion to the results I get, I will be published! I am so excited! That is all.

Live In The Truth

30 November 2008
"Don't look back and grieve over the past, it's gone.
Don't be troubled by the future, it has yet to happen.
Live in the present and make it beautiful,
so it's worth remembering."

I found this randomly on a blog because I accidentally clicked on the "next blog" button. I thought it was a good message so I decided to post it.

My Other Blog

I got an email today asking me why I never post some of my deeper thoughts anymore. This blog is currently about my experiences and adventures I have. I have broken away from posting really deep thoughts here, because I didn't feel like it was right to have them here. Because of this, I started another blog that I only post my deeper thoughts on in my search for meaning. I have it in my profile and some people have found it, but not a lot. I have liked this, but I guess some people like my deeper thoughts and they are sometimes helpful to them. Here is my other blog and I guess it is time to stop hiding it from the masses.

Believe

-"Believe" Yellowcard

I've always loved this song and it came up on my iPod today and made me feel really good, so I thought I'd share it with all of you.

Moving On Up

26 November 2008
Sean, at your convenience, I would like to talk with you about adding to
what you are currently doing - said differently, teaching you about
cloning and putting you on a specific project. I am pleased with your
progress and your independence and suspect that you would learn more by
modifying what you are doing. Let me know some times you are available
and we can set up an appointment.
The professor that I am working with on HIV/AIDS research sent me this and I feel amazing! I really can't describe my emotions right now. This is my chance to be published and move on to bigger and better things. What makes it even better is that I'm doing it as an undergraduate and this will totally help me out when I apply to medical school. Who knows, I might help develop a cure for HIV/AIDS with him and be world famous!

I'm moving on up! :)

Swim

25 November 2008

-"Swim" by Jack's Mannequin

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
For nights that wont end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

I love this song. It is such a wonderful message. There may be tidal waves that pull you down and try to drown you, but you gotta swimming. You have to keep swimming to survive. The horizon and your goals aren't too far away. You can make it. Don't let yourself sink... Just keep your head above and swim.

Madonna!

24 November 2008
This post has been long awaited by some of it and it is finally here!

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the Madonna concert in Vegas and it was AMAZING! It was more than AMAZING! It was SPECTACULAR and FAN-FREAKIN'-TABULOUS! I can say that I can almost die a happy man. There is one thing that would have made me happy and content for life that I'll talk about later in the post.

I went down to Vegas in the afternoon on Friday, November 7th. I went down with two of my best girl friends and it was a blast. On the way down, we took tons of pictures, sang at the top of our lungs, had great conversations, ate a whole box of family sized CHEEZ-ITS, ate at In-n'-Out, and many other adventurous things! It was a blast and a half. We got to Vegas around 7 pm and found our hotel. I got a sweet deal on a four star hotel ($50 per night) and it was amazing! After we checked-in, we got ourselves all pretty, and wanted to go out clubbing. There is one problem... I am not 21. Sad story ensues... There used to be some 18 and up clubs in Vegas, but they all closed down. So we didn't go clubbing. We took my camera and toured the strip and did a lot of shopping instead. Much fun ensued with me running around like a little boy in the various clothing stores. Oh I do love shopping! I didn't buy anything clothing that first night cause I wanted to check out a lot of stores so I could buy what I absolutely loved. We finished shopping about midnight and then headed back to the hotel.

Saturday morning, we got up about 8 and got ready for the day. It was the day that I got to see Madonna! I was like a little school boy prancing around all day! I was so excited. We headed to IHOP and it had to be the worst IHOP that I had ever been to. The food took an hour to get out (the place wasn't even busy) and I had to ask for hot syrup (WTF?!?!). The the waitress was an old raunchy hag that whenever I asked for more water she looked like she wanted to kill me. She didn't dampen my spirit that day. Nothing could! One little treasure we got out of IHOP was this picture. We then headed out to do some shopping! I found a lot of things that I loved and bought a lot! It was a wonderful day. I won at shopping! We then headed back to the hotel, swam, and hung out by the pool working on our tans. We then headed back to our room, showered and got ready for dinner and Madonna! I was getting ready to pee my pants because I was so excited by this time!

We went to dinner at a really good authentic Mexican restaurant--some of the best mole I have ever had! Then we headed off to the MGM Grand for the concert! The whole way there I was bouncing up and down. I couldn't wait! We got to the MGM Grand and I was running as fast as I could to get to the concert. We got into the the arena and I bought a shirt and a jacket. They are so hot (the jacket involves a story that I'll tell later in the post). We got to our seats and sat down. Then this really hot guy and his fugly boyfriend come and sit next to us. My girl friend and I just looked at each other and smiled. He was really hot. We sat there having a good time waiting for the concert to start when all of the sudden some from Madonna's staff was coming up the stairs. She stopped at our row and asked to the the cute guy's tickets. She then went on to tell them that they won front row seat tickets! WTF?!?!?! I was so angry! That could have been me! I could have been at the very front, inches away from Madonna, her sweat falling upon me, and I could have touched her hand! That's right, the cute guy got to touch Madonna's hand! That would have made my life complete! I was so sad, but that didn't last long. My girl friend told me that I should have won the cute guy over and kicked his fugly boyfriend to the curb so I could have gone to the very front and touch Madonna! Sigh... such is my life sometimes. I was so close, yet so far...

As I said, the concert was AMAZING! I can't even describe it. She is by far one of the best performers. It was the best concert of my life. I loved all of her songs, remixes, and everything about it. It was well worth the money I spent on it! The concert lasted a couple of hours and it was a couple of hours in heaven for me. I loved every minute of it! I was on cloud nine for the rest of the night. The rest of the night, we had two really fun adventures! The first came while we were walking home (actually they both came as we were walking home). For all of you have been to Vegas, there are Hispanic men and women that line the streets handing out fliers to get prostitutes. Well, I thought it would be funny to go up and ask to see if they have guys. Then my girl friend would come and grab me and say really loud that I'm not gay anymore and that I am straight. Well, we did it and it was hilarious! The Hispanic people didn't take long to pick up on what I was talking about. All of the sudden about five of the started shouting, "free penis, free penis," while they were trying to hand me the flier about women. I wanted men... ha! It was great fun and gave us a really good laugh.

The second is very similar to the first, yet very different. As we were still laughing and walking back to our room, there was this cute guy and I made eye contact. He looked me up and down and I did the same. I was wearing my Madonna sweater that says "Sticky Sweet" in pink on the front. We walked past each other and then all of the sudden, he taps me on the shoulder and asks me if I just got out of the Madonna concert (his cuteness went totally up when he did this). We chatted awhile and found out that he was going to the show tomorrow. He was really excited. He then asked us what we were doing and where we were going. I answered that we were going back to the hotel. He was really surprised because we were both really hyper and full of energy. He asked why and I had to tell him that I was only 20. He was sad because he said that we seemed like fun people and that he wanted to party with us. I was so sad! I really wanted to go out clubbing and it would have been so much fun! I'm sad that I am only 20... darn being only a couple of months away from being 21. After that experience, we headed back to the hotel without any other incident and talked about the concert and sang songs for about an hour and then headed to bed.

On Sunday morning, we got up and explored the strip. We did some more shopping and then we piled into the car again for the trip home. He did pretty much the same things on the way home as we did on there way there. It was so much fun and I am so glad that I went! It was a good break from everything and I really enjoyed myself. Now, I can almost die a happy man!

I could die a happy man if I got to touch and/or meet Madonna! Her having my children would also be nice... :)

Oh and here is one of our many adventures in the car...
video

This was fun too...

video

Simple Pleasures

22 November 2008
I love simple pleasures in life. Tonight, I mostly did homework (not my simple pleasure). While I was doing my homework, I had a craving to make some cookies and play DDR. I did this and the cookies turned out amazing and I got my groove on with DDR. It was a wonderful evening. As you all can tell, I have stayed up way too late playing DDR and making cookies. Now it is time to go to bed and hopefully sleep through the whole night. I love the small and simple things in life that bring happiness and pleasure!

Grandpa

21 November 2008
I love my grandparents so much. I can't believe how blessed I am to have such a good family. I came out to my grandpa last summer and it was a good experience for both of us--I had previously come out to my grandma when I first came out to my parents. He told me how much he loved me and that I was still one of his favorite grandchildren if not his favorite. He also said that he wished I did not have to live such a hard life--he worries for me constantly (about my health, my grades, my ambitions, and now my sexuality and place in the world).

Before I get into what I wanted to say about what happened tonight, I want to give a little background about my grandpa. He is not a member of the Church. He never has been and he probably will never be--he's really stubborn and doesn't like to conform. He used to dislike all of his grandchildren or so we thought until about couple of years ago when he first told me that he was proud of me and that he loved me. After that day, he has never been the same. He has turned into the sweetest grandpa anyone could have. My grandpa served in WWII and Vietnam. He has lived through the Great Depression. He also raised a family by running his own garage. He has live a long and hard life and I look up to him a lot.

I decided to pay my grandparents a visit today because I hadn't seen them in about a month and I missed both of their birthdays because of study groups. We started chatting and laughing. They asked me about my health, school, work, and things like that. Then my grandma got a call and it was me and my grandpa sitting there talking. We were talking about politics when out of the blue, my grandpa started to cry. I asked him what the matter was. He told me how much he admired me. This really struck home. I felt amazing after he said that and tears started welling up in my eyes. He told me that I have a good head on my shoulders and it saddens him to see me in so much pain with my health and general frustrations with life. We talked about this for awhile with tears streaming down both of our cheeks. Then he told me that he has always wanted to see me go on a mission and how much he knew it meant to me (he doesn't know the real reason why I didn't go, but it meant a lot to me to see that he cares that I didn't go). He also said that it saddens him to think that I might never find a wife to raise a family with because he was excited for my children and he wanted to see me happy like he and my grandma are. He knows that I am planning to stick with the Church and he's actually glad that I decided this. It just saddens him to think that I might be alone my whole life. After many tears were shed and various discussions about topics of the like, I had to go. I got up and gave him a huge hug. He told me that he loved me so much and that he was really glad that I stopped in. I then grabbed my grandma for a minute and told her that I loved her. She asked why I had been crying and I told her to ask grandpa (I have a feeling I'll get an email about it from her tonight or tomorrow). She then told me that she loves me too and apologized for not being there to talk--I didn't care too much cause I had a good heart to heart with grandpa which doesn't happen all the time.

I'm extremely grateful for my family and I love them so much!

Desperate?

17 November 2008
In my quest for guy friends, I am losing. I have tried everything. I have formed study groups. I have invited people over to my house. I have invited guys and girls to go out dancing, ice blocking, disco skating, and many other fun activities. I have called and texted them. All of this is to no avail. They seem like they enjoy my company and enjoy me as a person, but they never return the favor. They never call me. They never text me. They never invite me to parties. Am I just a person that has to put everything on? Am I a person who doesn't get thought about as someone who might like to do something? I want to know what it is about myself that turns guys and I guess people in general away from me because it seems like this happens with most people I try to make friends with--I usually do most of the work in the friendship.

This makes me wonder if I come off desperate for straight guy friends and that is why they don't invite me to things or see if I want to hang out. I think it is partially true that I am desperate. I have been craving to have a close guy friend, who is not gay, since the beginning of October. I want someone that I can go out and have a good time with, do things outdoors, do things that are active, and just chill and talk. I kind of have that with my girl friends, but it's not the same as having that with a good guy friend. Can they tell that I am partially desperate to have a friendship with them? I don't think so. I talk to them in classes. I study with them and I usually ask them if they are doing anything fun on the weekend. If they aren't, I see if they want to do something. I don't think that is desperate. Is it? I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. I wish it was as easy to make guy friends as it is girl friends.

As a side note, I will be posting about my trip to Vegas to see Madonna in a little while. I was planning on doing it today, but I took a nap instead. I am writing this because I can't sleep at the moment and this was on my mind.

Madonna Congratulates Barack Obama

11 November 2008

This made me love Madonna even more! :)

Negative

09 November 2008
It has been a while since I last posted and updated everyone on my life... sorry about that. I have been tremendously busy with my second round of midterms, tests for my health, and this past weekend going to the Madonna concert in Vegas (I just barely got home)!

For those of you who are wondering if I have cancer or not, I don't. The cysts in my liver aren't cancerous, at this moment. They are going to watch me for six month and do weekly blood test and other tests monthly to make sure they don't develop into cancer. They don't know if they will turn into cancer or not so I'm hoping that they don't. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers and showing me your support. It meant a lot to me.

There are so many other things that I want to talk about, but I don't have the time. I need to finish my homework that is due tomorrow. You should all be expecting an update on my adventures in Vegas and Madonna!

Ups and Downs

23 October 2008
I have been having a lot of ups and downs because I am not sure what is going to happen in my life at the moment. There is the possibility of cancer and dropping out of school to receive treatment. The other possibility is not having cancer and continuing my life as normal. When I think that I might have cancer, I am mainly afraid. I don't want to die, I don't want to go through chemotherapy and radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to be in more pain, and I just don't want to go through it. It scares me to think that a 20 year old like me sometimes goes through this. It's hard and weighs down on me.

I have noticed that the more that I don't think about it, the better I am and not weighed down by the world of the unknown. I have tried to continue with my life as normally as I can and losing myself in passion for what I love. Passion and seeking my dreams is what keeps me whole and complete. It is what keeps me happy and helps me have a good outlook on life. Passion keeps the monsters of my life away. Life right now, without this passion, would be hell and incomplete.

I Hate The Fight for Marriage

19 October 2008
I am personally getting so sick of all of the fighting over the definition of marriage and Proposition 8. I hate hearing people on campus talking about. I hate getting emails about how I should support both sides. I hate hearing people bash on each other. I hate how the Church is handling the situation. I hate how a lot of MoHos (and the gay community) are handling the situation. I hate getting facebook invites telling me to "say no" or "say yes." I hate getting into fights with friends about the topic. I hate seeing my friends and family talk about the issue and fight over it because they differ on opinions. I hate how much contention this is causing.

Why can't we all just be friends and be ourselves? Why can't everybody have the same rights? Isn't that what America is about, equal rights for all?

These questions open up a huge discussion on the topic, but I don't want to get involved with it anymore. I am sick of it! I want it to be over and I want to hear nothing about it again. I wish it would all go away.

Another Joy of Life

17 October 2008
Here is another update in the life of Sean. It is not as fun as the last one. Actually, it is not fun at all. As many of you know, when there comes something challenging in my life, I call it a joy of life. Well, this is one of the biggest joys of life I have ever had. This new joy of life came from my doctor today. I went in and had all of my test results told to me. Everything was pretty much as I expected it. I am sick and all of my symptoms matched the results from the test. There was a little bit more this time though. The doctor saved this little bit of news for the end. It was definitely the most serious and traumatizing. In my CT Scan, the radiologist found cysts in my liver. He told it to me straight and I will tell you the same. I might have liver cancer. The results are not yet conclusive. I have to go in for more tests next week so I can get a yea or a nay. I do not want all of you to freak out and worry for me. There is still a chance that I might not have it. I just wanted to let all of you know.

Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed to have tons of problems in my life.

I Felt Like I Peed My Pants

15 October 2008
As many of you know, I have not been feeling too well lately because of my Crohn's Disease. I went into the doctor a couple of weeks ago hoping to get some new medication, but that did not happen. He just upped the pills that I am taking right now (this in the past has proven not to work). A couple of weeks went by and I kept getting worse. I have been in pain for probably over a month now... :( I finally was able to get into him again (before my scheduled appointment tomorrow) last week. He decided that he needed to up my medication again and get me into the hospital for some tests.

Yesterday was the first round of tests. On Monday night, I had to drink a lovely Barium Sulfate Berry shake that tasted like crap and metal. It was not good at all and it did not taste like mixed berries as the picture and bottle suggested. After I drank that, I started fasting because I was not allowed to eat or drink until after my CT Scan which was at 11 am the next day. An hour before my CT Scan, I had to drink another Barium Sulfate Berry shake and it tasted exactly the same. Then I had to drink another one 30 minutes before and that one again tasted the same (they should really try to improve the flavors of those things). I went into the CT Scan and had pictures taken of my intestines. Then I had an IV placed in my arm and had some more CT Scans done with Iodine contrast fluid this time. This is where the story gets fun... :)

When Iodine contrast is injected into your bloodstream, it feels really warm and good. It soon spreads out throughout your whole body. You get a lovely metallic taste in your mouth and your inguinal region (the area around your penis and rectum) get really warm. It makes you feel like you are peeing your pants and have something warm shoved up your butt! I am not going to lie... it felt really good! I was in the CT Scanner yesterday for about an hour with that going through my system and I had a good time thinking about life, Madonna, and everything else that went on through my brain.

After my CT Scans, I went to get some blood work done (I still felt warm all over and I still had the metallic taste in my mouth). The blood work was the same old procedure, but the good news was that I did not get the crappy nurse that I usually get (she misses my veins way too often and I usually get bruises from her). So that was great! After I finished everything at the hospital, I went to take a forever long Physical Chemistry test. I was in the testing center for 4.25 hours! That is the longest I have ever been in there. It killed me. The whole time I was a little loopy from some of the drugs that I had in my system, but I think I did fine. I also had "Like A Prayer" stuck in my head by Madonna. That was fun! :) ha!

Yesterday life was interesting. Tomorrow I will find out my results on the medical tests. Today I have been strangely missing the warm feeling of me feeling like I am peeing my pants and that I have something warm up my butt.

Finding Meaning

12 October 2008
And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.

-Julie Gregory, Sickened
I can relate with Julie. Sometimes you need to run away, leave the world, friends, and family behind, look deep within yourself to find out who you really are, and then build yourself back up from a clear broth becoming who you want to be without the influence of others.

Prayer

30 September 2008
I prayed for the first time in awhile last night--well, it was a time that I felt like I needed to pray and not only do it because my bishop wants me to. It felt really good and I felt loved. I felt the Spirit very strongly and I felt like I was on the right path. I also felt that God knows that I am trying to be good and that I am doing the right things to be forgiven. I am going to continue to keep on working and doing my best to make my life as good as it can be.

Girlfriends

28 September 2008
Some Like It Hot asked me about making friends with girls in an earlier post of mine. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. So here is my response.

Ever since I was little, I had never had a problem making friends with girls. I do not attribute this to the fact that I am gay, but rather most of my neighborhood was filled with girls so I learned how to interact with them (it is not very hard--just be yourself and have a good time). I had a few boy friends when I was growing up but there were not very many in my neighborhood so I did not interact with them a lot--I would much rather hang out with my girl friends. Because of my childhood, I have always seen girls as people that I can get close to and have close relationships with. I do not see them as a threat to my "manhood" to hang out with them. I do not see them as possible relationships, well not at first. I sometimes see a possibility of a relationship later on when we have grown closer as friends and usually it never happens and that is perfectly fine (some girls might do this too, but it usually ends up in the same result). I see them as people that I can go out with and have a good time. The main point is that I see them as friends and people I want to get to know before I see them as anything else.

From talking with a couple of my few straight guy friends, I have found out that they are afraid of girls. They think that girls are always wanting a relationship from them and/or that they are always reading into the relationship when in reality there is nothing there. They also think that they cannot be themselves around girls because girls will not like them. I usually laugh at this part. Sure that happens sometimes (a girl reading into things)--it happened to me in the summer, but that was the first time it has ever happened to me! Most girls would love to have some guy friends to hang out with and do fun things with. It does not have to be in a dating situation. It can be in a group situation. A lot of them do not expect a relationship to happen. I think that this is where growing up Mormon messes with a lot of people. People start to get unrealistic expectations of friendships with girls or guys (if you are a girl) and this also leads to them feeling like they cannot be themselves around girls or guys. They think that when they start getting in a close friendship with a girl or a guy, that it might progress to the next level when they do not want it to. That is an unrealistic response. Then they, usually the guy, push away and end up hurting each other. I have seen too many of my close girl friends get hurt because they do not know why one of their close guy friends stopped talking to them. I usually attribute it to this. Some people might also think that if they act like they truly are, that people will not like them so they stay away from girls or guys. That does happen sometimes, but you cannot change that and most of the time this does not happen, at least from my experience.

It is interesting that a lot go guys are also scared to go out on dates or they have to get the courage to ask girls out on dates. I think that this is ridiculous and goes along with the same lines as what I mentioned above. People are putting way too much pressure on themselves and the possibility of a relationship and/or people reading into their actions wrong. I go on dates for fun because quite frankly, dating is fun. It is fun to get out, to do something you usually do not do, and to do it with someone you want to get to know better. It is also a good way to show them that you care about them, even if it is not going to become a relationship. Sure it might be with someone you like, someone who likes you, or just a close friend, but it does not have to lead to a relationships. It could be the start of a really good friendship that will last a long time and be full of fun.

So again, my main point is that I see girl as friends, people that I can have a good time with, and people I can be myself with.

I hope this helps, but if it does not and you want more of my thoughts, email me (swimfreaksean[AT]gmail[DOT]com).

My Busy Life

24 September 2008
I thought I would write to let you all know that I am not dead and I plan on answering some comments from my last post. There is just so much to do and so little time in the day. I wake up at 5 AM and I am doing things until 10 or 11 PM. My life has never been this crazy busy before! I cannot believe it! I should have expected it though because everybody says that the Junior year is the hardest and most time consuming year of the Biochemistry major. It also does not help that I am working five part-time jobs and going to school full-time. That is right, you heard correctly, five part-time jobs. Ha! I love it! If you are wondering what I am doing, here you go: 1. Manager at Poco Loco Swim Shop 2. Swim coach for Timpview High School 3. Swim coach for the UV Rays 4. Research assistant in an HIV research lab here on campus 5. Private swimming lessons instructor. These jobs and school keep me really busy, but I am totally enjoying my life. The sad part is that I usually do not go out on weekends anymore to play, but I am fine with that because I know that to get into medical school I have to get really good grades so I focus on that instead of not going out and having a good time. That means that I am not seeing any of you and my others friends or planning things to do with them. Sorry... I still enjoy getting invites to do things though and I do make time if people ask me to do things, but I guess I never really got those before because I am the one who usually does the planning of activities. Oh well, such is life. I am also getting sick again so I do not feel too well and I will probably have to go on some new medication for my Crohn's. That is about it that is going on in my life right now. I will blog about it and other important issues when I have more time, but I do not know when this is going to be. I hope all is well with everyone.

Give It 2 Me

11 September 2008

-"Give It 2 Me" by Madonna

Why does Madonna have to be so hot? Only 58 more days until I get to see her! I'm so excited! :)

On My Mind

I have a lot on my mind and I need to get some of it out so this post is going to mainly just be a word vomit of information for all of you.

First, I want to say that I am absolutely in love with school! I love my schedule of Biochemistry, Physical Chemistry, Molecular Biology, and two Physics classes. They are definitely hard and going to kick my butt, but I am excited to start learning again and challenging myself. I am also grateful to have people that I know in everyone of my classes. It is so nice to be an upperclassmen now and have that happen! School has also put me in an amazing research group! I have met only one person in it so far and I like her already. My first training session is next week and I will meet the rest of my research group. I hope that they are equally cool. I also love the sense of purpose that comes from being in school. It helps me formulate goals and drives me to achieve them. It also gives me a set schedule, which is something that I always work better with.

Second, I want to say thanks to all of those who love and support me. I know that sometimes I am not a good friend because I go into hiding and drop off the face of the earth, not responding to emails, texts, and phone calls, but I really do appreciate your thoughts, messages, and concerns for me. It is nice to feel loved. I know that I do not say thank you enough and I am sorry for that. I am working on being a better friend to everyone and I hope that I do not leave any one of my friends behind for feeling like I shunned them. I also would like to say sorry to any of those friends or people in general that I have hurt because of my actions. I am trying to be the best person that I can and I know that sometimes I am not very good, so sorry.

Third, I love getting random emails from people who read my blog because I love making new friends, even if we do not become very good friends. It makes me feel good inside. I recently got an email from someone new this week. He asked me a few questions about my life since we had some common background and I responded. I am still waiting for a response from him, but if he does not respond, I am fine with that. I just hope that he knows that I am friendly and willing to talk if he needs someone.

Fourth, I need more guy friends. I realized that most of my friends who I hang out with regularly are women. I do not mind this, but I need guy interaction. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by women and need some guys to be around. They do not need be gay. In fact, I think it would be better for me if I could make more straight guy friends. I think just hanging around guys helps me control my sexual tension and frustrations better. I am hoping that there will be some guys in my research group that are cool, would want to hang out with me, and who are preferably not gay.

Last, is a little thought that I have been thinking about. I have been asking myself lately, "What is my purpose here on earth?" The answer that I have come up with is usually different than the usual Mormon answers. Here is my answer (I made it more general to fit everyone): Man's purpose is to find out who he really is. The reason why I came up with is this is because most people do not know who they are, what they represent, what their passions are, what they really want in life, what makes them truly happy, etc. They mainly go with the flow and do what everybody else is doing, get into a job they do not like because it pays well, and other things like that.

That is pretty much everything that has been on my mind.

PS This reminds me of a song from the 80's, "What's On Your Mind" by Information Society... "I want to know, what you're thinking. There are somethings you can't hide. I want to know, what you're feeling. Tell me what's on your mind.

Disgusting

07 September 2008
I had an interesting experience last night. I was with a couple of friends who know about me and they asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I told them yes. Then they asked if I had ever done more and I again told them yes. They then told me that it was disgusting and repulsing. What did I do to deserve that treatment? I was just answering their questions honestly and then I get crap thrown in my face. I feel like I really do not deserve it, but I guess it happens and there is nothing that I can do about it now.

The problem is that it makes me wonder if I am disgusting or repulsive and this causes me to sometimes hate myself or hate what is naturally a part of me. They really did not realize how hurtful it was. Sure at the moment, I was able to blow it off and pretend like it did not matter, but the rest of the night I was wondering what else they thought was disgusting or repulsive about me. It is not like I go around telling people that their body makes me want to vomit or their face looks revolting. Why should someone go and tell me that a part of me is that way? I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up, but I did not. I just took it and now after sitting in a regional church conference and stewing over it during the night and that conference, I sort of feel ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I should not though. I should not look to the past and wish things happened differently. I should also not wish that I could be different and not have these attractions. I should live in the here and now and live life with what God has given me.

Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?

The Good Life

Well, everything seems back to normal in my life right now. Sure, I am still on the fence, but right now, I am fine with that. I am living in the here and now and I have some goals for the future. All that I can hope for is the best. It is kind of ironic how I am hoping for the best and right now it seems like I have the best. My life seems to be failing into place. So August, my bishop almost took away me endorsement to BYU. We both saw it unfit to take it away because of the severe damage it would do to me and the path it would probably put me on. Then I found out that I had to take a class before next semester so I could take the MCAT this upcoming summer. It so happened that Microbiology so happened to fit into my schedule perfectly. I have also been talking to a professor about doing research in his lab this year. I have been bugging and talking to him all summer, but he still was not sure at the beginning of school if he would have room in his lab. Well, I got a call and an email from him Friday that I would be working in his lab! We are doing HIV research and trying to find ways that will prevent HIV from attacking the T-Cells. My job is to do genotyping and aligning HIV sequences. If I am good at that, the professor will put me on to bigger and better things. I am really excited for this and it puts me on the road to medical school and hopefully on track for a good year. I also love school and learning. It feels so good to be back in the environment. As many of you know, I am also a swim coach. It looks like Timpview girls will take 4A High School State this year! That is really exciting. I also love my little swimmers on the UV Rays club team that I am coaching. They are so much fun and they always brighten my day!

I am living the good life right now, even though I do not have all the answers to my questions in life and I am fine with that. I can only live in the here and now and hope that one day everything will be good and worked out.

PS If you have not already seen this blog, I think that you should...

Sweet Little Lies

29 August 2008
"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies..." I do not know if any of you remember this song, but I sure do and it feels like this is what I have been wanting, no craving from myself for about 5 months or more now. As many of you know I mentioned on Sunday that I was drowning. I have had a lot of people send their love to me and shown that they have wanted to talk to me about it, but they failed to read what I said in my blog--I need a break. That included talking about gay issues, hanging out with certain people, talking with certain friends, and so on. Well, I have started to figure things out, but I still need my space. I also need to write some things for therapeutic purposes and that is why I am writing now.

Going back to Sunday... I talked with my bishop and we both came to the conclusion that I am not sure what I want in my life. Yes, this means that I have made my way back onto the fence. I hate to admit this, but it is true and sad at the same time. We also both came to the conclusion that I have been spiraling downward since I was rejected from serving a mission and that is what has caused me to land uncomfortably back on the fence.

What has lead me being back on the fence and drowning? Well, the answer is not very simple. There have been a lot of things that have been affecting me.

One is the lack of direction and goals. I am a very goal oriented person. When I was working on going on a mission, it was so much easier to forget about all my issues and it was easy to focus my attention on being good so that I could go. I did have my weak moments during that time, but I generally had the Spirit with me and a direction to go. Now, life is completely different. I have tried dating, but it has frustrated me so I have decided not to worry too much about dating seriously or even consider marriage right now. With that goal out of the picture, what other Spiritual goals do I have? None... I do not have a calling and I feel like I do not have a purpose right now. How can a set goals for myself and move in a forward direction when I do not have a purpose or a calling? I cannot. I have been trying to move forward, but I have been slowly forgetting to swim.

Two is not feeling welcome in my ward. I have been going to my family ward since October now because my parents have wanted me to stay home because of health issues. I have not had the desire to go to my stake singles ward because it is just like high school all over again and I personally hated most of the people in high school and I did not get along with them. That is why I have continued to go to my family ward. The problem is that I do not feel welcome. Nobody talks to me except my parents and a few old ladies here and there. My Elder's Quorum and home teachers can careless about me (I do not even know who my home teachers are and nobody ever talks to me in Priesthood because they do not like my liberal take on the Gospel). My Elder's Quorum President didn't even know my name until after being there for almost 6 months. Does that make anyone feel welcome? NO! It is so frustrating! UGH! Not feeling welcome makes me not want to go to Church. I would try to find excuses not to go and when I would go I would hate it and end up texting people throughout the whole block. I could not feel the Spirit when I felt like nobody wanted me there or wanted to hear my opinions.

Three is stopping reading the scriptures and praying. I know this is my fault, but when the two things mentioned above started affecting me, I really did not the inclination to be spiritual. Then I eventually started feeling guilty when I would pray and read the scriptures. That caused me to stop altogether. I prayed for the first time tonight in probably a couple of months.

Four is falling for a guy and doing things with him.

Five is wanting a relationship.

Six is lying to myself that all is well, when in reality I was starting to drown. I kept telling myself that I was doing fine. That I was being spiritual. Yeah, right! I kept telling myself that I was strong. I was putting on a facade with myself and with others. As I look back, I know that I care a lot about how I appear to people and admitting to myself and others that I was struggling was something that I could not do because so many of you know me personally. I was the strong person--someone people looked up to, the one who was going to stay in the Church no matter what. So I started to lie to myself and to you all through blogging and in person. I used to could write everything that I was feeling on this blog, but that changed. Then I used to could write everything that I was feeling on my private blog, but that changed too. Now, I am going to write everything on this blog. I am not going to lie to myself and others. I struggle just as much as the next guy or gal.

So there you have it. I am done telling sweet little lies. I am going to tell the truth and the way things are. This blog is for me and you all should feel luck that you can read this part of my life--the part that I do not share with many people.

Drowning

24 August 2008

I am drowning right now. I do not know what to do. I am glad school is almost back in session because I think that will help me out. I think I need to take a break so I can start to tread water again and begin to swim again.

"Seriously, I Need Some Action"

15 August 2008
I have been having an email conversation with my good friend Caitlin who is in London on study abroad and something interesting came up that I wanted to share with all of you.

She told me a story of all of her roommates (there are like 12 of them) sitting around and talking. They were tip-toeing around the subject of getting some sort of affection from guys and then finally flat-out said, "Seriously, I need some action." There are around 30 girls in her study abroad group and 3 or 4 guys--I do not remember exactly. So the chances of hooking up and getting some action are very slim unless they hook up with the locals. When I read this in her email, I laughed really hard. Then I thought that this applies to me and almost everyone too--unless there are some people out there who are never horny.

I need and crave action just like every straight and gay person in the world. I guess the problem is that I crave action from guys and according to the Church, getting action from guys is wrong. I have never had the desire to cuddle, make-out, and have sex with a woman. It is just something that is not appealing to me. I will give you two examples that have happened to me in the last little while. About two weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my straight friends--he is now on a mission... :(. I find him attractive and we were watching a movie at his place. I just wanted to get closer to him and cuddle with him. Then the other night I was hanging out with two girls. They are both fairly attractive and they are really fun. We went back to their place to watch a movie. We all jumped in their lovesac and cuddled. I cuddled with them because they wanted to do it. I did feel nice, but it was not something that I was craving. Another example is with another girl. She likes me a lot. She has been putting the moves on me and trying to get some action from her. The thing is that I do not want to kiss her or even get close to her. It kind of repulses me to be quite honest.

These moments when I get horny and crave action (it happens a lot) can be trying and break me down after awhile. After being broken down, I satisfy these cravings by sometimes going to masturbation and porn, but these are also bad and I personally do not like being addicted to either of them. They make me feel gross and out of control of my life. I wish there was an easier way to curve these cravings. Alas, there is not...

The moral of the story is that I am gay and horny. I need some action, but the place that I want action causes problems with the Church. Sigh...

Affirmation Goes Public

12 August 2008
This was reported on the news yesterday. I happened to be with some straight friends when it came on and they made some comments that were hurtful to me. I was thinking about coming out to them, but after that, it is not going to happen but maybe I should tell them to help them understand. Thoughts, suggestions, or ideas?

Here is the news report:

Affirmation discussing gay issues without LDS Church
By Sam Penrod and Mary Richards

A group of openly-gay members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke out today after the Church postponed a meeting it had scheduled with them.

Earlier this year, Church President Thomas S. Monson assigned the director of LDS Family Services to hold the meeting, but it was postponed until a new director is hired.

Affirmation leaders say they did not want to wait until next year, and so they communicated their priorities at a morning press conference.

The Church reacted by saying, quote: "It has always been the intent of the Church to engage in an open and honest discussion with Affirmation leaders, to listen to their concerns." So, today's disagreement over the meeting seems to come down to timing.

"We were sent here to this Earth as gay brothers and sisters for a purpose in God's plan," said David Melson, public relations director for Affirmation.

He and other gay members of the Church spoke out about their lifestyle and their faith.

"We believe there is room for us in the gospel. We believe there is a place for us ordained of God in the gospel," said George Cole, director of young adult programs for Affirmation.

Melson says, right now, "gay members do not always feel safe in an LDS Church environment."

While the group is pushing for more acceptance in the LDS faith, they also hope their same-sex relationships will be recognized by the Church. The group wants better training for local Church leaders, affirming statements in the Church's General Conference and, maybe down the road, a change in doctrine.

"We also hope to convey that it isn't natural for a gay person to be celibate their entire lives either. While we do understand the Church's position on that matter, we ask that they recognize the significance or our committed long-term relationships," said Olin Thomas, executive director of Affirmation.

The group, Affirmation, claims gay Mormons are frequently shunned, some to the point they turn to suicide rather than face life as a homosexual.

"Being gay is a biological characteristic. There are physical, biological traits that seem to be the cause of being gay. It is not the fault of good mothers who raise their children in righteousness, and they should not be saddled with any kind of a guilt trip or blame," Melson said.

The group believes statements made by Church leaders in recent years have been positive in accepting gays in the Church. But they don't believe this message is widely accepted by Church members.

"I believe of the biggest gifts that God gave me was to be sent here in this time as a gay man. Being gay in this day and age, you have compassion and empathy for other people who suffer for others who are discriminated against," Melson said.

The Church responded with this statement: "The issues surrounding same-gender attraction deserve careful attention, not public posturing. It appears from Affirmation's actions today that it has opted for a public rather than a private exchange."

There is no word yet if that means the offer by the Church to hold a meeting with Affirmation is now off the table.

Statement issued by Church spokesman Scott Trotter:

"It has always been the intent of the Church to engage in an open and honest discussion with Affirmation leaders to listen to their concerns. When the Church was originally approached by Affirmation, Church officials offered a much earlier meeting date. The meeting was put on hold until August at Affirmation's request. The Church asked for the same courtesy as it hires a new director of Family Services, a position crucial to this conversation.

"The issues surrounding same-gender attraction deserve careful attention, not public posturing. It appears from Affirmation's actions today that it has opted for a public rather than a private exchange."

I agree with a lot of things Affirmation. I think that Church members can be better educated and more accepting of people like all of us so it does not lead to things like depression or suicide. I also believe that we do have a special purpose in life and that is why we have been given our attractions. I do not agree with Affirmation in its desire or hope to change the doctrine of the Church. In my opinion, the Church will never change its stance because there are firm statements from God talking about family and how marriage is only between a man and a woman. Changing the doctrine is also not consistent with the new pamphlet God Loveth His Children.

What If You Only Thought You Were Gay?

11 August 2008
This is an article written by Anna David that is out of the newest issue of Details. I thought it was interesting and fun so I thought I would share it with all of you. Enjoy! :)

What If You Only Thought You Were Gay?
For some men, the trouble starts when they realize they're actually straight.

In the early nineties, Dan Rothenberg was having a gay old time--literally. A rising comedian in San Fransisco, he spent his nights at clubs in the Castro, where he discovered, to his surprise, that he was "a bit of a boy magnet." Rothenberg, then in his early twenties, was for pretty much the first time in his life finding hooking up with people easy. A regular at the Stud's disco night, he was known for starting off his routine at local comedy clubs by saying "I like my women like I like my coffee... I don't like coffee." Fifteen years later, he sits outside a West Hollywood Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf reminiscing with a woman about his days as an out-and-proud gay man. The woman happens to be his wife.

Rothenberg and Colleen Crabtree, both 35, met seven years ago. Five or so years before that, Rothenberg was paralyzed by fear over the realization that he wasn't actually gay. Although it took about a year to admit to himself that his Castro days were over, one incident stands out. "I happened to see a female friend getting dressed," he says. "I remember watching her and thinking 'There's no way words can describe how much I want that.'"

Despite the insistence of many--straight and gay--that switching between sexual preferences can't technically happen, Rothenberg isn't the only man to have believed he was homosexual before deciding that he was wrong. These aren't gays who attend faith based programs to be "cured," or bisexuals who rotate between male and female sex partners the way the rest of us alternate pairs of shoes. And they're not the type who hide gay urges in public while privately trotting off to the local bathhouse.

For Andrew Brin, who grew up in Milwaukee, it was all about girls--until he has sex with a guy at the end of his senior year of high school. "It was fun and I had a great time, but I remember having the feeling that I was doing something that wasn't right," he says. In his early thirties, Brin started dating a man and came out to his brother. When he later fell in love with a woman (who was at the time a lesbian) and realized he was straight, he didn't inform anyone the he'd been waving that rainbow flag mistakenly.

And although there aren't statistics to show how many men go through similar sexual shift, anecdotal evidence suggests that some men who consider themselves to be gay experiences this kind of change not because of sexual experimentation or peer pressure but because they decide that they want to sleep with women instead of men.

For Ethan Robinson (not his real name), a 37-year-old film editor from Los Angeles, chasing women during his post-college years became a chore. "If I went to a gay bar I got hit on like crazy, whereas at a straight bar the women all but turned their back," Robinson says. "At the gay clubs you danced, you had fun. At straight clubs, you sat around, posed, and tried to affect a degree of indifference."

Frustrated by his relationships with women, convinced that romantic relationships with men would be easier, and figuring that if he never tried it he'd never know whether it was for him, Robinson got into a casual relationship with a "really attractive, interesting" guy for about two months. After the first time they had sex, "I thought, 'Well, that wasn't as weird as I thought it would be,'" he says. "I didn't recoil from the experience."

After that relationship fizzled, Robinson dated another guy but eventually realized that he wasn't gay. "It just didn't fit," he says. "It wasn't what I ultimately wanted." The switch back to women wasn't complicated, in part because he was never officially out.

But for some men the sexual confusion is a little longer-term. Bob (not his real name), a 33-year-old artist from Los Angeles, decided he was gay when he was about 10. Although he had sex with girls in high school, an extremely close friendship with a neighborhood boy, combined with homophobic taunts from his sports coaches, only strengthened his belief that he was gay. He wasn't wholly convinced he'd been right until he was 25 and went on a date with a girl but ended the night by going home with a male architect the two of them had met at a bar.

Then, while he was in his second relationship with a guy--during which he would have to fantasize about women in order to have an orgasm--Bob realized his decision had been premature. "And finally it hit me when I was in bed with the guy I was [dating] and he said, 'You're not into this.' My dick wasn't hard. I was like, 'I'm not gay, I'm not gay, I'm not gay.' It was like the flip scenario of wen I thought I was gay."

While these men all think the switch from gay to straight was a definitive experience, some experts are skeptical that such a turnaround happens in any but the rarest cases. "I've only run across men who came out of the closet and pursued their gay identity but couldn't withstand the pressures of family and society so returned to being closeted and heterosexual relationships," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of Sex Detox.

Nevertheless, instead of trying to run from their pasts, these men feel extremely grateful for having gone through what they did--and some even believe it makes them all the straighter. "Experimentation adds to your perspective--it doesn't limit you," says Rothenberg, who, along with Crabtree, transformed his experience into Regretrosexual: The Love Story, a two-person play that they perform to sold-out crowds in Los Angeles. And while she may be married to him, Crabtree isn't necessarily doing much to perpetuate Rothenberg's heterosexual image. When Rothenberg is informed that the blue patterned shirt he's wearing looks a little flamboyant, he sighs. "My wife picked it out," He says with a smile.

What if you are only thinking that you are gay when in reality you are straight? This is insanely crazy, but I guess it happens. There might be some hope for some of us out there... ;)

Perfection

09 August 2008
Hello. My name is Sean and I am a perfectionist. I have been this way my whole life and I cannot see myself ever changing. I absolutely hate failure, actually I loath it all the way down to the depths of hell. I set high standards for myself and if I do not achieve them, there is usually hell to pay.

How many of you are like me? You strive and seek perfection and beat yourself up when you do not achieve it? I bet most of you are like this in one way or another.

I have done a lot of thinking on being perfect this week. Why do we strive for it? Why do we hate ourselves if we do not achieve it? Why is it so important for us to be perfect? What would the world be like if we were all perfect? Well, I have come up with some answers to this and I would like others input.

Why do we strive for perfect? In my opinion, this is the easiest one to answer. We are commanded by God and Christ to be perfect even as they are perfect. Essentially this becomes our greatest life mission--to become perfect. This is because Christ was able to achieve perfection and so should we. The problem is that we can never become like Christ in this life. We can never be perfect.

Why do we hate ourselves if we do not achieve perfection? The answer goes along with the first question's answer. We are commanded to become perfect. The reason why we hate ourselves is because we think that we can or know that we can be perfect in some areas of our lives and when we do not achieve that perfection, we hate ourselves. We also can hate ourselves for not reaching perfection in areas that we are not even close to being perfect. We, however, need to realized that we are not like God and Christ. Christ sacrificed Himself so that we could become perfect through Him. We cannot be perfect on our own. We are supposed to try our very best to be perfect. If we do not achieve it, it is fine because Christ has made up for the rest. He only requires you to try your best and if you do that, you have not failed in His eyes--you may feel like you have failed in your eyes though. Do not hate yourself because you think you have failed. Remember that Christ will make up for your lack.

Why is it so important for us to be perfect? This answer again comes from the first question. We are commanded to become perfect like God and Christ. We are supposed to be perfect so that we can become Gods. Again, we have to realize that this is not going to happen in this lifetime and that we need Christ's help to achieve perfection and Godhood.

What would this world be like if we were all perfect? In my opinion, if we were all perfect, the world would be boring. There would be no competition because everybody could do everything perfectly and there would be no reason to compete with each other to see who is better. There would be no challenge because again everyone could do everything perfectly. We would not be unique anymore--our imperfections are what make us who we are. We would all be the same or very similar--that seems really boring to me. I personally like meeting new people because they are new and different, not the same. I think that there would also be only happiness and good things--all of the trials and the heartache would be gone. This is because we would be able to handle everything perfectly without any problem.

All of my imperfections make me who I am. I know that I do not follow all of the commandments perfectly because if I did, I would be God or Christ. I know that have lied, hurt others, had sex, looked at pornography, masturbated, cheated on tests/homework, stolen some things from stores, not paid a full tithe, and many other things. These imperfections, however, made me the person that I am--they all have taught me lessons. They have given me unique experiences that has shaped me into the person I am today. I do not claim to be perfect and I know that I continue to make mistakes and with those mistakes comes the process of repentance and starting anew. I just hope that people can forgive me of my imperfections and see that I am trying my best to be the best person that I can be. If any of my imperfections and actions have hurt any of you, I am truly sorry.