"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies..." I do not know if any of you remember this song, but I sure do and it feels like this is what I have been wanting, no craving from myself for about 5 months or more now. As many of you know I mentioned on Sunday that I was drowning. I have had a lot of people send their love to me and shown that they have wanted to talk to me about it, but they failed to read what I said in my blog--I need a break. That included talking about gay issues, hanging out with certain people, talking with certain friends, and so on. Well, I have started to figure things out, but I still need my space. I also need to write some things for therapeutic purposes and that is why I am writing now.
Going back to Sunday... I talked with my bishop and we both came to the conclusion that I am not sure what I want in my life. Yes, this means that I have made my way back onto the fence. I hate to admit this, but it is true and sad at the same time. We also both came to the conclusion that I have been spiraling downward since I was rejected from serving a mission and that is what has caused me to land uncomfortably back on the fence.
What has lead me being back on the fence and drowning? Well, the answer is not very simple. There have been a lot of things that have been affecting me.
One is the lack of direction and goals. I am a very goal oriented person. When I was working on going on a mission, it was so much easier to forget about all my issues and it was easy to focus my attention on being good so that I could go. I did have my weak moments during that time, but I generally had the Spirit with me and a direction to go. Now, life is completely different. I have tried dating, but it has frustrated me so I have decided not to worry too much about dating seriously or even consider marriage right now. With that goal out of the picture, what other Spiritual goals do I have? None... I do not have a calling and I feel like I do not have a purpose right now. How can a set goals for myself and move in a forward direction when I do not have a purpose or a calling? I cannot. I have been trying to move forward, but I have been slowly forgetting to swim.
Two is not feeling welcome in my ward. I have been going to my family ward since October now because my parents have wanted me to stay home because of health issues. I have not had the desire to go to my stake singles ward because it is just like high school all over again and I personally hated most of the people in high school and I did not get along with them. That is why I have continued to go to my family ward. The problem is that I do not feel welcome. Nobody talks to me except my parents and a few old ladies here and there. My Elder's Quorum and home teachers can careless about me (I do not even know who my home teachers are and nobody ever talks to me in Priesthood because they do not like my liberal take on the Gospel). My Elder's Quorum President didn't even know my name until after being there for almost 6 months. Does that make anyone feel welcome? NO! It is so frustrating! UGH! Not feeling welcome makes me not want to go to Church. I would try to find excuses not to go and when I would go I would hate it and end up texting people throughout the whole block. I could not feel the Spirit when I felt like nobody wanted me there or wanted to hear my opinions.
Three is stopping reading the scriptures and praying. I know this is my fault, but when the two things mentioned above started affecting me, I really did not the inclination to be spiritual. Then I eventually started feeling guilty when I would pray and read the scriptures. That caused me to stop altogether. I prayed for the first time tonight in probably a couple of months.
Four is falling for a guy and doing things with him.
Five is wanting a relationship.
Six is lying to myself that all is well, when in reality I was starting to drown. I kept telling myself that I was doing fine. That I was being spiritual. Yeah, right! I kept telling myself that I was strong. I was putting on a facade with myself and with others. As I look back, I know that I care a lot about how I appear to people and admitting to myself and others that I was struggling was something that I could not do because so many of you know me personally. I was the strong person--someone people looked up to, the one who was going to stay in the Church no matter what. So I started to lie to myself and to you all through blogging and in person. I used to could write everything that I was feeling on this blog, but that changed. Then I used to could write everything that I was feeling on my private blog, but that changed too. Now, I am going to write everything on this blog. I am not going to lie to myself and others. I struggle just as much as the next guy or gal.
So there you have it. I am done telling sweet little lies. I am going to tell the truth and the way things are. This blog is for me and you all should feel luck that you can read this part of my life--the part that I do not share with many people.
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My path is no longer a mystery. It is before me and open. I just need to have the courage to take it...
About Me
- Sean
- I am Sean and this is who I am. There is nothing more I can say. I guess I could mention that I have Crohn's Disease and Spasmodic Torticollis, I fall in love with men, I am a swimmer, I am a member of the LDS Church, I am a state and national champion in many different things, I love music and let it define my life, I graduated from BYU with a BS in Biochemistry and a minor in Sociology as Magna Cum Laude, I love to cook, I researched at the NIH/NCI, and I working on receiving an MD/PhD at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Yet, all of these definitions are small parts of my life. Sean is who I am really and that is how I define myself. I am Sean.
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9 comments:
Sean,
I am sure you already know this, but you are not alone in your feelings. Just the other day I was feeling hopeless and frustrated. I lost sight of what was important. No one is perfect and be are not expected to be. We are required to do the best we can and Christ will take the rest.. This is a hard concept for me to grasp, but I am learning and hopefully one day I will understand this principle better. Hang in there. Tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning.
D.
Now I have that song stuck in my head. :P
Out of curiosity, if you had returned from a mission, or if you had been married in the temple, what sorts of goals would you set for yourself? The big goals kinda only work when we're younger, but there comes a point when the built-in goals have been exhausted, and you have to come up with something yourself that will spark your continued interest in the gospel and your personal spirituality.
I know you have a testimony of the gospel and that deep down you want to follow it. Maybe you just feel like you ultimately can't. Maybe you're despairing because you've shown a pattern of falling, and you're tired of it and afraid you'd just do it again. Maybe you haven't had enough testimony-building experiences recently, and your core testimony just doesn't have the support to sustain you right now.
Don't forget that the path is open to you. You know what's right, you know what's true, and even if it's ridiculously hard and you'll fall a few times along the way, the journey and the reward are worth the toil. You have friends to bolster you up, and a Savior whose atonement makes it possible for you to stand right back up every time you fall down. His mercy is infinite and extends to the lowliest of us - certainly it covers what you've done. He hasn't given up on you, your bishop hasn't given up on you, and we haven't given up on you. And whatever happens, we love you.
Interestingly, when we stop worrying how we look to others, we begin to discover how beautiful we actually are. And as we say the things that are honest and real, versus what we believe people would have us say, we discover truths which might have remained hidden otherwise.
Welcome to humanity. We're all in this together. We all have more weaknesses than we would like. We all have strengths we can use to bless our lives and the lives of others.
It's a wonderful journey, Sean. Sometimes it aches horribly--and sometimes it's incredibly joyful. Good thing there are in-between moments which help us catch our breath.
I wish you well.
Telling the truth all the time is hard, but worth it. We live in a society of "white lies" that balloon very, very easily.
All the same, as you can tell there are many that love you, and I count myself one of them. Nothing you say or do will affect that. You're family, in more ways than one to me and Miki.
I'm interested in what you'd have done if you'd been accepted for a mission, but then had to come home--a dear friend of mine was recently called back at the one year mark after being diagnosed with Crohn's disease.
And about home teachers--sometimes they need a little help. I made the EQ president tell me who they were, then went to them and asked for a blessing on my first Sunday in the ward. Later, I took them aside and talked to them about my problems, including liking guys + being Mormon.
Talking to them didn't solve my problems, but it moved me out of the passive, victimized, woe-is-me rut I was stuck in and gave me a couple more people to turn to when I needed it; once they knew I needed help, they were more than happy to give it.
It might not be appropriate for your situation, but sometimes I feel like we aren't active enough in getting the church's framework to be effective in our lives.
Sean..
I find alternative ways to survive. The wilderness for one. It works for me. Ya a real granola freak. The other thing that helps is reading books. They take me along a journey and they lift me from here to there. They give me perspective. They help chase the Monster away. Remember that church attendance is a personal journey and does not have to be a social experience. (even if needed). The gospel is so much bigger than Sunday. I find unfortunately that my liberal take on life is not toloerated well among the saints of Utah, even, though it meshes with the gospel much better than Republican Mormonism does. They have little concept of Cooperatism and social responsibilty. That being said, I have to figure out ways to dissipate the raw hateful feeling of SSA. The frustration, the sense of unfairness, the sexual tension....all this can consume a person from within. You have to direct that energy somewhere. You can't hide it inside. It will eat you alive. I have a friend who got married and his kids became the lightning rod. Some of us don't know if we can do that. We must search for that catalyst. Does anyone out there have some other alternative ideas?
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within."
~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Sean, I don't know you well at all, but of all the comments I see here, I'm going to "amen" Samantha's most. I think being genuine and real with at LEAST yourself and those closer to you is essential to really making progress within yourself.
To be truthful, and as presumptuous as it may sound for such a distant acquaintance to say so, I think some of us were actually expecting this kind of post, not because it's impossible for someone to be genuinely at peace and resolved but... well... just because. :-)
I think being back on the fence after feeling more conviction is natural after losing a goal and adding other factors as you described. Fortunately, there are always other goals to set. Sometimes, we place all importance in one thing, or one relationship, forgetting to diversify our emotional investments, and when that one thing seems to fail us, we throw the baby out with the bathwater in despair.
I'm going to say something that may upset some other people, especially some of the younger guys out there, but I have seen relatively few examples in the gay world (LDS or otherwise) of people who seem to live by principle and not by the emotion, doubt, affinity, or erection of the moment. There's something to be said for seizing the day, but if you're just seizing every fun, shiny, ego-petting, or sexy thing you find at the expense of principle, all you're doing is living a gluttonous life. I'm not accusing you or anyone other individual, here (unless I include myself), just sharing a sort of cautionary observation.
Anyway, the feelings you described here are real and valid and tough to deal with. I hope you're able to sort some of it out in a way that works for you. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm saying I have all the solutions. I know I don't. But y'know...take care.
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