25 March 2009
With the MCAT almost a month away, I feel relatively calm. This calm, however, is instilled with the knowledge of how much I still need to study and work to get my goal score of a 35. I have taken a couple of practice tests and my highest grade has been a 29. I am happy with my results because my science sections are amazing! I'm scoring in some very high percentiles. My verbal reasoning, however, hasn't been doing too well. I have been struggling because my mind is so detail oriented that I have a hard time picking out inferences and intentions of the author. I guess it is one of the curses of having a semi-photographic memory. I'm working on it though and my scores have been improving. If I can get a 10 on it, I'd be ecstatic because that means I would most likely surpass my goal of 35. There is also an essay portion, but I'm not too worried about that because my MCAT teacher has told me that I can write some good essays in a half an hour's time. It's so close... I can feel my dreams/goals/purpose in life coming true!

PS Due to the nature that the MCAT is going to be in about a month, I'm probably going to be hermit for the next month! Hooray for hermitism! ;-)

Telling The Truth

21 March 2009
I have had an amazing friend for a number of years who has never known about my deep dark secret, that doesn't seem to be much of a secret anymore. I have been slowly, but surely coming out to more and more people--it's very refreshing.

Last night she, let's call her Galadriel (yes, I am a nerd), called me and was distraught and in tears. I was studying in the library and I told her that I would come to her wherever she needed me. Well, she so happened to be at the temple. I made my way out of the library and found her in her car. We walked on the grounds talking about many subjects and thoughts that were on her mind. Eventually, we made our way to the back of the Provo temple and sat down on one of the benches there. As I was holding her in my arms and listening to her story, I kept saying things that didn't make much sense to her such as "one night can change your life forever." She wasn't getting the intent of what I was saying so I changed what I said around and moved off that topic. Then another topic came up and I started to say other things like "my life has always been different than normal Mormons and it will always be different," "high school was hell for me," "have you ever hated yourself for something that was a natural part of you?" and things like that. I didn't mean to say a lot of these things, but her emotions were mixing with mine because I really knew how she felt.

I then asked her, "do you want to know the truth about me?" This confused her at first because she wasn't really sure what I was referring to. She said that she wanted to know what I was talking about and that I could share anything with her. Then it kind of just came out. I told her that I was gay. I told her that I had been lying to her for many years when I told her that I had girlfriends when in reality they were boyfriends. I told her about how I've almost been kicked out of BYU and about how I'm not as strong in the Church as she thinks I am. I told her how she and my new best guy friend, I'll call him Aaron, have helped me be the happiest I have ever been this past year. Galadriel and Aaron basically helped me through so much without ever realizing it. They gave me purpose to life and they became my best friends. She told me that she loves me so much and that she was so glad that I shared everything with her. Galadriel told me before I told her everything that her new life motto is that all that matters in life is how we treat others. She is so much wiser than beyond her years and I am so glad that I was able to talk to her about everything. It felt so good to tell her the truth and know that I can always be myself around her now.

We also discussed coming out to Aaron and she told me that it would probably be a good idea. I've been toying with the idea for a couple of months now and it seems like now is an opportune moment. I also know that when I tell him that he will go directly to Galadriel and it makes me happy to know that she is on my side, no matter what.


09 March 2009
I recently told a friend last week that I didn't have any crushes at the moment. Boy o' boy has this changed. I have developed two crushes over the past week and it feels good to have these feelings again, even though they aren't going to go anywhere.

A friend of mine recently challenged me to talk to this guy I thought was very attractive in one of my classes to see if he wanted to form a study group. I have talked to this guy a little here and there so I didn't think it would be too awkward asking him to form a study group. Well, I did it and we have a study group going. As I have gotten to know him, the more I have started to crush on him. He plays for the lacrosse team here at BYU and he isn't Mormon--I thought it was weird of him to come here, but apparently we have a good lacrosse team and some of his friends were coming here to play so he tagged along. He is my age and from back east. He is hilarious, smart, driven, good-looking, and did I mention that he is totally straight... Sad story... he is definitely my type and I'm kind of sad. Oh well, such is life when you crush on a straight boy.

My other crush happens to be my MCAT teacher. I stayed after class on Saturday during his office hours to get help on something that I was struggling with. We then got talking and it ended up with me coming out to him. He totally thought I was in denial and was afraid to admit it to myself and he was surprised I had been out since I was 18. We spent the next 3 hours talking while he was helping me with my struggles on the MCAT. It was a lot of fun. We talked about this other guy in our class who is definitely gay and laughed about making him come out to the both of us. We also talked about me going to BYU, him serving a mission, and tons of other random topics. It was so much fun talking to him. During those hours, I really started to like him. He is such a great guy too. He went to Stanford, was on the track team, is finishing his masters degree, is applying to medical school, and tons of other things that really attract me to him.

There you have it. I'm totally crushing on these two guys and it feels good.

Random Thoughts

02 March 2009
I haven't posted in a very long time because I have been super busy with the craziness that is my life. These are some of my thoughts over the past couple of weeks and I might expound on them in later blogs.
  1. I love swimming! I have started swimming again because the season is over. Try to go as much as I can and I love it! :)
  2. Dating is really fun, even if it is with a woman.
  3. I love playing Where's Waldo and Waldina in the mall.
  4. Going clubbing is always an adventure and there are always amazing stories to tell afterwards.
  5. I enjoying playing Hand and Foot and can play it for many hours (almost half of the day).
  6. There are usually a few really good looking guys at clubs and I sometimes want to dance up on them even though they are straight just to see their response.
  7. I love my MCAT class and preparing for the MCAT. It brings me a sense of purpose and duty in life.
  8. I want to help people change their lives whether it be through healing them or some other means.
  9. My teacher of said MCAT class is gay. He is very attractive and he always wears amazing clothes.
  10. I wonder if said teacher knows that I'm gay.
  11. I felt like I failed two of my midterms because I was average on them.
  12. I have a male best friend.
  13. Said best also loves to swim! :)
  14. Said best friend is also straight! :)
  15. I hate it when people cancel or change their plans and ruin your evening because of it.
  16. I love to buy really expensive clothing.
  17. I have to buy something whenever I walk into the mall. Because of this, I try to stay away from it.
  18. Sometimes people are so funny at BYU because of their awkwardness.
  19. Most Mormons can't dance.
  20. Most Mormons when throwing a dance party bring out their "Bad"/party mix that has tons of rap and actually no really good dancing songs.
  21. Stupid girls in red at Mormon dance parties change your iPOD out of the speaker system and put their crappy "bad" mix on that was made "especially" for the party.
  22. After the crappy "bad" mix came on, most Mormons left the dance party because they music sucked and like the music that was on before much much better.
  23. Eyeliner on guys is sometimes very attractive.
  24. I love DI and want to go play there. Does anyone want to go with me?
  25. I love baking and making dinner, especially for others.
  26. I miss my swimmers and coaching.
  27. I'm getting a free championship ring since my swimmers won state! Way to go girls!
  28. I think IBS is a cop out for other bigger problems.
  29. I hate elder's quorum now that my only two friends got other callings in the ward.
  30. I got a couple of Madonna posters from a good friend and they totally made my day my life, and my room so much better.
That's about all that has been happening in my life lately. Feel free to respond to any of these and if you would like me to expound on the randomness leave me a comment so I can write future blogs on them.

That is all.

Peace, love, and happiness! :)