"Turn it off! Like a light switch! Just go click!"
"Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes and find the box that is gay and CRUSH IT!!!"
Both of these are lines that are sang by the gay missionary in the musical, The Book of Mormon. I can definitely say that what he sang rang true for my experience growing up in Utah. There were many times growing up that I thought I could turn off my attractions to men. I tried so hard. I would punish myself for checking out the lifeguard, fantasizing about my crushes, or watching pornography. It was never physical punishment, but rather reading more scriptures and taking my fun time away. I was serious and I wanted to show God that I wanted to turn off my sinful attractions. I'm even sure that I tried to crush the "box" that holds my homosexual desires. Needless to say, I couldn't turn them off or crush bedazzled, glittery, and boa-lined box.
When the gay missionary was on stage, it reminded me of myself. He was completely dedicated to the Church and he fully believed that things would work out according to God's plan for him. I think that he believed, like many gay missionaries, that if he served God diligently during his mission he would be "cured" from this awful "curse" of homosexuality. There was so much dedication to God and hope for change. Seeing this, made me sad. It made me think about how many other young men are out there struggling and hoping for change to straightness that never comes.
Overall, I think the writers had a great portrayal of the struggle of being a gay Mormon missionary. I only wish they could have developed his character more, but he was never a main character.
Getting up on my soap box now...
If there is anyone out there who has so much hope for change to heterosexuality, I hate to say stop hoping, but it's the truth, stop hoping. It will never occur. What you can do instead is stay true to yourself. I'm not saying to throw away the Church and embrace your gayness or throw away your gayness (pretend to be straight) and embrace the Church. What I'm saying is take time to discover what you truly believe and what want in your life. This may take many years, but when you know what's true and what you want, stick with your beliefs. Also, always remember that it's perfectly normal to be gay and Mormon. Stay true to yourself.
Showing posts with label Being Yourself. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Being Yourself. Show all posts
Stubbornness pt. 1
16 June 2010
I am one of the most stubborn people you will meet. I am the most stubborn person in my family. I want to hear your thoughts on stubbornness. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it both? When is it good? When is it bad? Can stubbornness be changed?
I'd appreciate any thoughts you all have. After I read through yours, I'll post mine.
Thanks,
Sean
I'd appreciate any thoughts you all have. After I read through yours, I'll post mine.
Thanks,
Sean
Shot Down With A Shotgun
22 March 2010
In my Sociology of Gender class, we are supposed to write a paper on a gender inequality and then perform a "service learning" project on the paper. I decided to write my paper on the effects of conservative religion on society's view of homosexuality. The paper is actually very quite interesting and might post it here on my blog, but that's not what I am blogging about today. There is a group of us that decided to write a paper on some issue of homosexuality. Our service learning project involved having a booth in the Wilk and handing out information concerning the Church's stance on homosexuality. We were also planning on having a forum, which discussed the Church's stance and then I had a few people, including myself, that were going to talk about growing up gay in the Church. We thought that by doing this, we could educate some members of the Church and have an open discussion about homosexuality, which never happens in church.
Well, it looks like none of this is going to happen. We went to BYU with an outline of what we were going to present, basically information from God Loveth His Children. However, they didn't even like that. BYU wouldn't let us have a forum and they even wouldn't let us have a booth to hand out information. Some of my group are protesting and handing out fliers south of campus. I would like to do this, but I've almost been kicked out of BYU and I don't need this happening again right before I'm going to graduate in April. I'm going to form the flier to hand out. Anyways, I digress... It makes me sad that BYU and the Church is still sweeping this issue under the rug. All that we wanted to do was educate members. They could choose to listen or choose to come to the forum if they wanted to, nobody would be making them to do either. Oh well, I guess all that I can do is try. I know that having the gay and lesbian members of the Church speak in settings like this would help understanding grow and help those in later generations who are growing up gay or lesbian in the Church not struggle as much. I just wish that the Church would talk about this touchy subject more and show the gay and lesbian members of the Church that they care more than they seem to be showing us.
I know that this project and all of my hopes were wishful thinking. I know that in the past I was hoping that the General Authorities would openly speak about homosexuality in General Conference, but this has never happened. I bet that it isn't going to happen this session either.
Well, it looks like none of this is going to happen. We went to BYU with an outline of what we were going to present, basically information from God Loveth His Children. However, they didn't even like that. BYU wouldn't let us have a forum and they even wouldn't let us have a booth to hand out information. Some of my group are protesting and handing out fliers south of campus. I would like to do this, but I've almost been kicked out of BYU and I don't need this happening again right before I'm going to graduate in April. I'm going to form the flier to hand out. Anyways, I digress... It makes me sad that BYU and the Church is still sweeping this issue under the rug. All that we wanted to do was educate members. They could choose to listen or choose to come to the forum if they wanted to, nobody would be making them to do either. Oh well, I guess all that I can do is try. I know that having the gay and lesbian members of the Church speak in settings like this would help understanding grow and help those in later generations who are growing up gay or lesbian in the Church not struggle as much. I just wish that the Church would talk about this touchy subject more and show the gay and lesbian members of the Church that they care more than they seem to be showing us.
I know that this project and all of my hopes were wishful thinking. I know that in the past I was hoping that the General Authorities would openly speak about homosexuality in General Conference, but this has never happened. I bet that it isn't going to happen this session either.
The Lost Little Duckling
20 May 2009
As I was walking up to school today. I saw a little duckling that seemed to be lost from the rest of its family. My heart yearned to help it, but I knew that me helping it would do more harm than good. I didn't want to "taint" the duck with my touch (I've heard if you touch baby ducks or birds their parents no longer accept them). I took a picture and left it there. I hope it finds its mommy really soon.Seeing this little duckling reminded me of my best friend Aaron. Recently, he found out that I was gay. Well, it was more that I've been hinting it to him for a very long time hoping that he would be ok with it once I told him. My other best friend Natalie (formerly known as Galadriel) decided to talk to him about Proposition 8 because she heard that we were in disagreement with it. She wanted to help him see my point of view and help him understand it a little bit better. Aaron then turned on her and asked he flat out if I was gay or not. She told him that he'd have to talk to me about it, but he was very persistent and she cracked. I was completely fine with her telling him. I've been meaning to tell him for some time, but the timing has never been right. I guess that I found out why. She told him on Thursday. He kind of freaked out, but he seemed ok about it. He talked to his parents about it and they told him their thoughts about the subject. They also told him that whatever he did that he should not stop being my friend (I was very grateful for their advice to him). We then subsequently talked on Saturday.
As we were talking, Aaron didn't seem like the same person around me. He seemed very tense and very uncomfortable. He asked me a few questions about if I have acted on it and was hinting at if I thought he was attractive so I told him that he was. He was freaked out by that comment, but I told him that he was my little brother/best friend and that I didn't have feeling for him and that I wasn't checking him out. Aaron then seemed to be ok about. He still seemed like a deer in the headlights, but I thought things were going to get better. Aaron told me not to talk to him about it for awhile so that he could process some things.
On Sunday, we went to see Natalie speak. I picked him up and I could feel the tension in the air. I gave him a note that I wrote him expressing some thoughts that I will talk about in a minute and we left for her church. As we were waiting, there was a significant lack of comradeship that we once had. There was no joking, laughing, and talking. It was all serious. I could feel that he was still uncomfortable with me but I didn't want to say anything that might freak him out. I sat there and pretended as if nothing was going on. On the way home, I tried to spark some general conversation the talks we heard, but it was still very limited and tense. I dropped him off and told him goodbye.
Next came Monday morning. We went swimming together like we do on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It seemed really tense again. I could feel his uncomfortableness seeping through his smile and see it in his eyes. It could have been the fact that he was nearly naked around me and thought I was checking him, but I'm not sure. I felt really bad for Aaron. Despite feeling bad for him, I always was really frustrated with him and Natalie for telling him at the wrong moment. After we swam together and showered, we parted and went our separate ways. I broke down in the car and was on the verge of tears the whole way to school and for the next hour. I wrote Natalie a nasty email, which I really regret and apologized profusely over. Then I started to calm down and feel a little bit better.
As I have done a lot of thinking and writing, I have to realize that Aaron is brand new to his whole subject. He has never dealt with it before and it makes it even harder when it is with his one of his best friends, someone he looks up to for guidance in life, and some he considers a spiritual giant and leader. I know that in some way he feels like I have let him down. I also feel like I let him down. I feel really bad and wish I could change it, but I can't. I am no longer the perfect Sean that he thought he knew. He sees me in a completely new light. Some of that Sean was a lie, but most parts of that Sean were the real me. I think that he needs to understand this, which will then help our friendship come back together. As of right now, however, it's very easy to get frustrated with him, especially since every friend that acts like this after I have told them have stopped being my friends after a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that Aaron will be different from these other friends and eventually see me as the same old Sean. He's a great guy and I love him a lot. He just seems lost and confused like the little duckling that I saw this morning. I'll just have to see how this all pans out and hopefully he'll make it back to me as a friend.
To end with some good news, this morning was so much better! It made me really happy. I could still feel like he was a little bit uncomfortable around me but it was as overt as it has been or his has gotten a lot better at hiding his uncomfortableness. We were talking and joking. It started to feel like things were back to normal. I think this was a big improvement for him, but he probably still has a lot to think about and come to terms with. I'll keep waiting for him to come to me or Natalie with questions. I don't want to push him.
Driven
15 May 2009
This week has been a very interesting week for me. It has been filled with a lot of ups and downs that I haven't experienced in a very long time. The good news, however, is that things are definitely looking up again and life is pretty much amazing! :)
I guess it started on Monday. I got up early and went swimming with my best bud Aaron. Then my day was full of studying for my Immunology test on Tuesday. It was an ok day until later in the evening. I get a response from an email that I sent to a guy I was crushing on and who was in turn crushing back on me. It basically said what a lot of people tell me. It is something that I don't completely understand. He told me that he liked a lot about me, but his heart was telling him to go somewhere else. This was due to the fact that I was too driven and that it just wouldn't work out with us because of that. I then sent him an email telling him that I started to get that impression and that it would probably just be better to be friends anyways. He agreed and now we are just good friends. I'm not sure if this relationship would have gone anywhere in the first place, but it kind of made my night a little worse.
I then took my test on Tuesday and totally rocked it (I only missed one so close yet so far from perfection)! Then I started thinking about what the guy said to me about how driven I was. I realized that I am completely driven. I know what I want in life and I know what I have to do to get it. This then put a damper on a good day. I went about my normal business on Tuesday with me being so driven in the back of my head. Thoughts were flying everywhere about what people have said to me in the past about my drive. People have told me that I don't make time for them. People tell me that they are afraid of my goals and dreams. People have said that they are jealous of my drive and passions, but could never do or want it themselves. People have also told me that I need to back off and be more relaxed about life. I've also had one person tell me that I could never be in a long lasting relationship because of my drive since my love and life is my drive. There are a lot of other things that have also been said but they are generally all of the same context. All of this brought me down to a low that I haven't been in a very long time.
Wednesday came and I went swimming again with my two best friends. That made me feel better but they could tell something was wrong with me. I just pushed it off telling them that I was tired and didn't get enough sleep last night. They left it at that and we went out to breakfast before I had to head to class. I went to class and learned that I set the curve on the test and that made me feel a little better, but I was still down. I had a lunch date with a girl that I've been going out with for awhile that kind of brought up my mood. We were chatting over lunch and having a good time when she brought up the topic of the relationship's progression. She basically told me the same thing as the guy said. I was too driven and that we should probably just be friends! UGH! This made my week even worse. Everything has been toppling down. Wednesday night I decided to not to do anything except stay at home. I watched LOST and loved it and then read a lot from Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (I love Dickens and that book). That made my night a little bit better. I then had a friend give me call and we chatted for awhile. She was wonderful and so helpful.
Then Thursday came around and it was a really good day. Everything in lab went perfectly. I went out to lunch with some good friends. I got everything done that I needed to at work. My old crush visited me at work and we had a great chat over chips and guacamole salsa. My mom made my favorite meal for dinner. I also read some more from Great Expectations. Everything was looking and getting better. I started feeling good about everything again. Then I get a text to go out and play glow in the dark ultimate frisbee. That was exactly what I needed to get my spirits back up and fully recharged. I saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen a very long time there and had a blast with them. I also met a lot of new people. We played for two hours and our team won by a point! It was a blast and a half and I totally enjoyed it. I then went to bed and woke up this morning to go swimming with my best buds.
Tonight I have either dancing or hanging out with a good friend tonight--I'm not sure which one yet. Then I'm hanging out with a lot of my close friends over the weekend. I'm pretty much stoked. I'm feeling myself once again and I'm feeling "21 and Invincible" again. I still have the question in the back of my mind if I am too driven. That's the person who I've always been and I really don't want to change that aspect about myself because I love that aspect about myself.
Anyways, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I'm still curious about it. What do you all think? Am I too driven?
I guess it started on Monday. I got up early and went swimming with my best bud Aaron. Then my day was full of studying for my Immunology test on Tuesday. It was an ok day until later in the evening. I get a response from an email that I sent to a guy I was crushing on and who was in turn crushing back on me. It basically said what a lot of people tell me. It is something that I don't completely understand. He told me that he liked a lot about me, but his heart was telling him to go somewhere else. This was due to the fact that I was too driven and that it just wouldn't work out with us because of that. I then sent him an email telling him that I started to get that impression and that it would probably just be better to be friends anyways. He agreed and now we are just good friends. I'm not sure if this relationship would have gone anywhere in the first place, but it kind of made my night a little worse.
I then took my test on Tuesday and totally rocked it (I only missed one so close yet so far from perfection)! Then I started thinking about what the guy said to me about how driven I was. I realized that I am completely driven. I know what I want in life and I know what I have to do to get it. This then put a damper on a good day. I went about my normal business on Tuesday with me being so driven in the back of my head. Thoughts were flying everywhere about what people have said to me in the past about my drive. People have told me that I don't make time for them. People tell me that they are afraid of my goals and dreams. People have said that they are jealous of my drive and passions, but could never do or want it themselves. People have also told me that I need to back off and be more relaxed about life. I've also had one person tell me that I could never be in a long lasting relationship because of my drive since my love and life is my drive. There are a lot of other things that have also been said but they are generally all of the same context. All of this brought me down to a low that I haven't been in a very long time.
Wednesday came and I went swimming again with my two best friends. That made me feel better but they could tell something was wrong with me. I just pushed it off telling them that I was tired and didn't get enough sleep last night. They left it at that and we went out to breakfast before I had to head to class. I went to class and learned that I set the curve on the test and that made me feel a little better, but I was still down. I had a lunch date with a girl that I've been going out with for awhile that kind of brought up my mood. We were chatting over lunch and having a good time when she brought up the topic of the relationship's progression. She basically told me the same thing as the guy said. I was too driven and that we should probably just be friends! UGH! This made my week even worse. Everything has been toppling down. Wednesday night I decided to not to do anything except stay at home. I watched LOST and loved it and then read a lot from Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (I love Dickens and that book). That made my night a little bit better. I then had a friend give me call and we chatted for awhile. She was wonderful and so helpful.
Then Thursday came around and it was a really good day. Everything in lab went perfectly. I went out to lunch with some good friends. I got everything done that I needed to at work. My old crush visited me at work and we had a great chat over chips and guacamole salsa. My mom made my favorite meal for dinner. I also read some more from Great Expectations. Everything was looking and getting better. I started feeling good about everything again. Then I get a text to go out and play glow in the dark ultimate frisbee. That was exactly what I needed to get my spirits back up and fully recharged. I saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen a very long time there and had a blast with them. I also met a lot of new people. We played for two hours and our team won by a point! It was a blast and a half and I totally enjoyed it. I then went to bed and woke up this morning to go swimming with my best buds.
Tonight I have either dancing or hanging out with a good friend tonight--I'm not sure which one yet. Then I'm hanging out with a lot of my close friends over the weekend. I'm pretty much stoked. I'm feeling myself once again and I'm feeling "21 and Invincible" again. I still have the question in the back of my mind if I am too driven. That's the person who I've always been and I really don't want to change that aspect about myself because I love that aspect about myself.
Anyways, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I'm still curious about it. What do you all think? Am I too driven?
Time
23 April 2009
As Madonna says, "Time goes by so slowly" and at the same time, "I've only got four minutes to save the world..."
This, however, doesn't seen to be happening to me right now. It's going way too fast and those four minutes are coming to an end faster than I want! There's so little time, yet so much to do! Holy crapola! Where has all the time gone? I finished the semester yesterday and I'm officially a senior, even though I have technically been a senior since my sophomore year. I only have one year of college left! I'm kind of freaking out about that. I'm going to be applying to medical schools this up and coming month. I'm going to be working very hard on publishing a paper this summer. There is so much to do! I also have my MCAT in about a week and half (wish me luck)! It's crazy, psycho, and really exciting all at once. All that I can think is WOW! My life has come and gone and continues to come and go.
I look back to my freshman year here at BYU and in three short, yet long years, I have become a man. I feel like I am no longer the little boy who started college. The one who was nervous, scared, yet confident at the same time. That confidence has grown more and more as I have come out and become comfortable with who I am. No longer am I scared to be proud of who I am. No longer am I scared to show everybody my smarts, my skills, my passions, and basically everything about me. (On a side note, I ran into a bunch of old friends from high school and they didn't recognize me. They told me that I have changed so much and I'm very happy about that.) I am who I am and if people don't like me, that's their own fault. For instance, I wore my Madonna shirt to a final the other day and everybody just looked at me like I was insane and some started laughing. I told them not to judge and that Madonna is amazing. They all got serious and quiet. It was amazing! I also wore my "I heart, heart, heart, polygamy" shirt yesterday. I had some people give me crazy looks, but others thought it was amazing! I even had one of my favorite professors tell me that she wished she had the confidence to wear that shirt on campus. It was pretty much amazing! I have finally found who I am and I am extremely happy!
I love being me! I love my life! I love who I am! I can't wait to get into the real world and show the world who I am and what I can do! I can't wait to accomplish my goals and purpose in life! There is so much good I can do in my life and it's about that time to start happening! I can't wait to save lives! I can't wait to change the world! It's my time and I'm ready for the challenge!
As I look at my time here at BYU, I know I wouldn't have become the person that I am today without actually being here at BYU. I'm pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I know a lot of people regret coming to BYU because they came out to themselves here and couldn't be their true selves, but I feel the opposite. I feel like my experience here has let me become my true self. It has helped me gain a sense of who I am and what I want to do with my life. Also, thanks to Michael, I was able to stand up for something that I truly believed in. BYU has been great for me, even though I have hated it at times. It has also reinforced some of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of college.
My path is still opened to me and I am taking it with confidence and one step at a time.
PS I love this website! It makes my life a little bit better everyday. (Thanks Camille for introducing me to it!)
This, however, doesn't seen to be happening to me right now. It's going way too fast and those four minutes are coming to an end faster than I want! There's so little time, yet so much to do! Holy crapola! Where has all the time gone? I finished the semester yesterday and I'm officially a senior, even though I have technically been a senior since my sophomore year. I only have one year of college left! I'm kind of freaking out about that. I'm going to be applying to medical schools this up and coming month. I'm going to be working very hard on publishing a paper this summer. There is so much to do! I also have my MCAT in about a week and half (wish me luck)! It's crazy, psycho, and really exciting all at once. All that I can think is WOW! My life has come and gone and continues to come and go.
I look back to my freshman year here at BYU and in three short, yet long years, I have become a man. I feel like I am no longer the little boy who started college. The one who was nervous, scared, yet confident at the same time. That confidence has grown more and more as I have come out and become comfortable with who I am. No longer am I scared to be proud of who I am. No longer am I scared to show everybody my smarts, my skills, my passions, and basically everything about me. (On a side note, I ran into a bunch of old friends from high school and they didn't recognize me. They told me that I have changed so much and I'm very happy about that.) I am who I am and if people don't like me, that's their own fault. For instance, I wore my Madonna shirt to a final the other day and everybody just looked at me like I was insane and some started laughing. I told them not to judge and that Madonna is amazing. They all got serious and quiet. It was amazing! I also wore my "I heart, heart, heart, polygamy" shirt yesterday. I had some people give me crazy looks, but others thought it was amazing! I even had one of my favorite professors tell me that she wished she had the confidence to wear that shirt on campus. It was pretty much amazing! I have finally found who I am and I am extremely happy!
I love being me! I love my life! I love who I am! I can't wait to get into the real world and show the world who I am and what I can do! I can't wait to accomplish my goals and purpose in life! There is so much good I can do in my life and it's about that time to start happening! I can't wait to save lives! I can't wait to change the world! It's my time and I'm ready for the challenge!
As I look at my time here at BYU, I know I wouldn't have become the person that I am today without actually being here at BYU. I'm pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I know a lot of people regret coming to BYU because they came out to themselves here and couldn't be their true selves, but I feel the opposite. I feel like my experience here has let me become my true self. It has helped me gain a sense of who I am and what I want to do with my life. Also, thanks to Michael, I was able to stand up for something that I truly believed in. BYU has been great for me, even though I have hated it at times. It has also reinforced some of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of college.
My path is still opened to me and I am taking it with confidence and one step at a time.
PS I love this website! It makes my life a little bit better everyday. (Thanks Camille for introducing me to it!)
Telling The Truth
21 March 2009
I have had an amazing friend for a number of years who has never known about my deep dark secret, that doesn't seem to be much of a secret anymore. I have been slowly, but surely coming out to more and more people--it's very refreshing.
Last night she, let's call her Galadriel (yes, I am a nerd), called me and was distraught and in tears. I was studying in the library and I told her that I would come to her wherever she needed me. Well, she so happened to be at the temple. I made my way out of the library and found her in her car. We walked on the grounds talking about many subjects and thoughts that were on her mind. Eventually, we made our way to the back of the Provo temple and sat down on one of the benches there. As I was holding her in my arms and listening to her story, I kept saying things that didn't make much sense to her such as "one night can change your life forever." She wasn't getting the intent of what I was saying so I changed what I said around and moved off that topic. Then another topic came up and I started to say other things like "my life has always been different than normal Mormons and it will always be different," "high school was hell for me," "have you ever hated yourself for something that was a natural part of you?" and things like that. I didn't mean to say a lot of these things, but her emotions were mixing with mine because I really knew how she felt.
I then asked her, "do you want to know the truth about me?" This confused her at first because she wasn't really sure what I was referring to. She said that she wanted to know what I was talking about and that I could share anything with her. Then it kind of just came out. I told her that I was gay. I told her that I had been lying to her for many years when I told her that I had girlfriends when in reality they were boyfriends. I told her about how I've almost been kicked out of BYU and about how I'm not as strong in the Church as she thinks I am. I told her how she and my new best guy friend, I'll call him Aaron, have helped me be the happiest I have ever been this past year. Galadriel and Aaron basically helped me through so much without ever realizing it. They gave me purpose to life and they became my best friends. She told me that she loves me so much and that she was so glad that I shared everything with her. Galadriel told me before I told her everything that her new life motto is that all that matters in life is how we treat others. She is so much wiser than beyond her years and I am so glad that I was able to talk to her about everything. It felt so good to tell her the truth and know that I can always be myself around her now.
We also discussed coming out to Aaron and she told me that it would probably be a good idea. I've been toying with the idea for a couple of months now and it seems like now is an opportune moment. I also know that when I tell him that he will go directly to Galadriel and it makes me happy to know that she is on my side, no matter what.
Last night she, let's call her Galadriel (yes, I am a nerd), called me and was distraught and in tears. I was studying in the library and I told her that I would come to her wherever she needed me. Well, she so happened to be at the temple. I made my way out of the library and found her in her car. We walked on the grounds talking about many subjects and thoughts that were on her mind. Eventually, we made our way to the back of the Provo temple and sat down on one of the benches there. As I was holding her in my arms and listening to her story, I kept saying things that didn't make much sense to her such as "one night can change your life forever." She wasn't getting the intent of what I was saying so I changed what I said around and moved off that topic. Then another topic came up and I started to say other things like "my life has always been different than normal Mormons and it will always be different," "high school was hell for me," "have you ever hated yourself for something that was a natural part of you?" and things like that. I didn't mean to say a lot of these things, but her emotions were mixing with mine because I really knew how she felt.
I then asked her, "do you want to know the truth about me?" This confused her at first because she wasn't really sure what I was referring to. She said that she wanted to know what I was talking about and that I could share anything with her. Then it kind of just came out. I told her that I was gay. I told her that I had been lying to her for many years when I told her that I had girlfriends when in reality they were boyfriends. I told her about how I've almost been kicked out of BYU and about how I'm not as strong in the Church as she thinks I am. I told her how she and my new best guy friend, I'll call him Aaron, have helped me be the happiest I have ever been this past year. Galadriel and Aaron basically helped me through so much without ever realizing it. They gave me purpose to life and they became my best friends. She told me that she loves me so much and that she was so glad that I shared everything with her. Galadriel told me before I told her everything that her new life motto is that all that matters in life is how we treat others. She is so much wiser than beyond her years and I am so glad that I was able to talk to her about everything. It felt so good to tell her the truth and know that I can always be myself around her now.
We also discussed coming out to Aaron and she told me that it would probably be a good idea. I've been toying with the idea for a couple of months now and it seems like now is an opportune moment. I also know that when I tell him that he will go directly to Galadriel and it makes me happy to know that she is on my side, no matter what.
Random Thoughts
02 March 2009
I haven't posted in a very long time because I have been super busy with the craziness that is my life. These are some of my thoughts over the past couple of weeks and I might expound on them in later blogs.
That is all.
Peace, love, and happiness! :)
- I love swimming! I have started swimming again because the season is over. Try to go as much as I can and I love it! :)
- Dating is really fun, even if it is with a woman.
- I love playing Where's Waldo and Waldina in the mall.
- Going clubbing is always an adventure and there are always amazing stories to tell afterwards.
- I enjoying playing Hand and Foot and can play it for many hours (almost half of the day).
- There are usually a few really good looking guys at clubs and I sometimes want to dance up on them even though they are straight just to see their response.
- I love my MCAT class and preparing for the MCAT. It brings me a sense of purpose and duty in life.
- I want to help people change their lives whether it be through healing them or some other means.
- My teacher of said MCAT class is gay. He is very attractive and he always wears amazing clothes.
- I wonder if said teacher knows that I'm gay.
- I felt like I failed two of my midterms because I was average on them.
- I have a male best friend.
- Said best also loves to swim! :)
- Said best friend is also straight! :)
- I hate it when people cancel or change their plans and ruin your evening because of it.
- I love to buy really expensive clothing.
- I have to buy something whenever I walk into the mall. Because of this, I try to stay away from it.
- Sometimes people are so funny at BYU because of their awkwardness.
- Most Mormons can't dance.
- Most Mormons when throwing a dance party bring out their "Bad"/party mix that has tons of rap and actually no really good dancing songs.
- Stupid girls in red at Mormon dance parties change your iPOD out of the speaker system and put their crappy "bad" mix on that was made "especially" for the party.
- After the crappy "bad" mix came on, most Mormons left the dance party because they music sucked and like the music that was on before much much better.
- Eyeliner on guys is sometimes very attractive.
- I love DI and want to go play there. Does anyone want to go with me?
- I love baking and making dinner, especially for others.
- I miss my swimmers and coaching.
- I'm getting a free championship ring since my swimmers won state! Way to go girls!
- I think IBS is a cop out for other bigger problems.
- I hate elder's quorum now that my only two friends got other callings in the ward.
- I got a couple of Madonna posters from a good friend and they totally made my day my life, and my room so much better.
That is all.
Peace, love, and happiness! :)
Change
27 January 2009
Life has been interesting as of late. I have been thrown into a lot of social situations with old high school friends due to homecomings, farewells, and running into them on campus. There have been a lot of people who do not recognize me anymore. An example comes from last Sunday. One of my closer girl friends from high school had her missionary farewell. One best friend from high school came back from his mission that week and I hadn't had the chance to see him yet. He was there are the farewell and I went up to him, told him hello, and gave him a big hug. He looked at me quizzically and said, "Sean, is that you?" I was surprised that my old best friend didn't even recognize me anymore. I also had a couple of others who did not recognize me. I am happy that I have changed and not the same as in high school (I think I am a better person), yet at the same time, I can't help to wonder if coming out has actually changed the person that I once was.
When I first came out to my parents and some friends, I told them that I was the same old Sean that they knew and loved. Is this still true? Am I that same old person? If so, why do my old friends not recognize me anymore? If not, how am I different? What has changed about me? Why has this changed occurred? I think that my changes could also be attributed to me just living life and living in different, most likely, harder situations than all of my old high school friends. It still makes me wonder though.
PS One of my blog stalkers from high school has put a link on her page to my blog and I am getting a lot of hits from her blog. Some many, in fact, that her blog is one of the number three from where people come. That makes me happy and I wonder if my old high school friends are finding this blog.
When I first came out to my parents and some friends, I told them that I was the same old Sean that they knew and loved. Is this still true? Am I that same old person? If so, why do my old friends not recognize me anymore? If not, how am I different? What has changed about me? Why has this changed occurred? I think that my changes could also be attributed to me just living life and living in different, most likely, harder situations than all of my old high school friends. It still makes me wonder though.
PS One of my blog stalkers from high school has put a link on her page to my blog and I am getting a lot of hits from her blog. Some many, in fact, that her blog is one of the number three from where people come. That makes me happy and I wonder if my old high school friends are finding this blog.
"I Know..."
05 January 2009
Yesterday was an interesting day for me. Well, I guess I could say yesterday evening was interesting for me. I first went to my relatives' house for the traditional family dinner on fast Sunday. That was fine. I got to play with my cousin's kids and have a good time with the family--always enjoyable. I then stopped by Drex and Salad's to drop off their key after I took care of their apartment for the Christmas break. This is when it starts to get weird.
I get a text from one of my swimmers. It says, "haha Sean is a texting my bro... weird." I'll now give some background. His older brother is gay I knew him in high school. We have been talking for awhile and I have been kind of nervous since his brother could possibly find out. Continuing... I let that text sit there for about an hour. I didn't want to respond. Then I get this text: "oh btw I'm not dumb and I know... and I'm not a 'hater' I won't tell anyone because I'm also not a jerk... Just don't get mad that I know. My bro doesn't want me to tell you that I know." At this point, I had no choice, but to respond. I responded, "So how long have you known?" In reply, "about a week." Then I asked, "How did you find out? Your brother?" He responded, "You keep your life personal and you talk to my bro and then it kinda clicked plus my bro isn't too good at keeping secrets." I then asked, "Did you talk to your brother about it?" He then replied, "I did tonight and he said to ask you. But its cool." Now one of my swimmers knows that I am gay. I am ok with it. I would rather be out than pretending to be straight. It sometimes wears on me, especially with my swimmers. They are always bothering me about who I am dating, how many people I've kissed, my girlfriend's name, what she looks like, etc. I have been pretty good at pushing on their questions by changing the subject, but it wears on me after awhile.
I know, however, it is not good for me to be out to the team. I know that parents would freak out and so would some of the kids. Then I would probably get called into the principal's office. He couldn't fire me because it would be discrimination. The problem is that people living in Happy Valley are very judgmental. I know that parents would pull their kids off the swim team so they wouldn't be coached by a gay person. I could also get in lawsuits saying that I did something to some of their children, when in fact I didn't. The principal would then probably force me to quit somehow. There would be a lot of bad repercussion.
Out of all the people who could know on the swim team, I am glad it's this guy. He is one of my favorite swimmers and he always works hard. I also believe him when he says that he won't tell anyone and that he will keep it to himself. It feels kind of nice to be out to him so it's on less person I have to worry about, but I'm afraid it might become awkward for us. This morning at swim practice, we didn't have too much interaction. Although, the limited time we did have interacting was kind of weird. I wasn't sure what he was thinking anymore and he was probably wondering what I was thinking. He looked and talked to me the same, but I couldn't help to wonder what was going on in his mind. I'm sure this will pass with time and everything will be fine, if it is not right now. I think I may talk to him sometime about it. I'm not sure though. I'll have to see what happens. One thing I do know for sure is that I have a friend in him.
I get a text from one of my swimmers. It says, "haha Sean is a texting my bro... weird." I'll now give some background. His older brother is gay I knew him in high school. We have been talking for awhile and I have been kind of nervous since his brother could possibly find out. Continuing... I let that text sit there for about an hour. I didn't want to respond. Then I get this text: "oh btw I'm not dumb and I know... and I'm not a 'hater' I won't tell anyone because I'm also not a jerk... Just don't get mad that I know. My bro doesn't want me to tell you that I know." At this point, I had no choice, but to respond. I responded, "So how long have you known?" In reply, "about a week." Then I asked, "How did you find out? Your brother?" He responded, "You keep your life personal and you talk to my bro and then it kinda clicked plus my bro isn't too good at keeping secrets." I then asked, "Did you talk to your brother about it?" He then replied, "I did tonight and he said to ask you. But its cool." Now one of my swimmers knows that I am gay. I am ok with it. I would rather be out than pretending to be straight. It sometimes wears on me, especially with my swimmers. They are always bothering me about who I am dating, how many people I've kissed, my girlfriend's name, what she looks like, etc. I have been pretty good at pushing on their questions by changing the subject, but it wears on me after awhile.
I know, however, it is not good for me to be out to the team. I know that parents would freak out and so would some of the kids. Then I would probably get called into the principal's office. He couldn't fire me because it would be discrimination. The problem is that people living in Happy Valley are very judgmental. I know that parents would pull their kids off the swim team so they wouldn't be coached by a gay person. I could also get in lawsuits saying that I did something to some of their children, when in fact I didn't. The principal would then probably force me to quit somehow. There would be a lot of bad repercussion.
Out of all the people who could know on the swim team, I am glad it's this guy. He is one of my favorite swimmers and he always works hard. I also believe him when he says that he won't tell anyone and that he will keep it to himself. It feels kind of nice to be out to him so it's on less person I have to worry about, but I'm afraid it might become awkward for us. This morning at swim practice, we didn't have too much interaction. Although, the limited time we did have interacting was kind of weird. I wasn't sure what he was thinking anymore and he was probably wondering what I was thinking. He looked and talked to me the same, but I couldn't help to wonder what was going on in his mind. I'm sure this will pass with time and everything will be fine, if it is not right now. I think I may talk to him sometime about it. I'm not sure though. I'll have to see what happens. One thing I do know for sure is that I have a friend in him.
High School
31 December 2008
I received a message from a girl I knew in high school a couple of days ago telling me that she has been stalking my blog. The first thought was amazement. There have been a lot of people from high school who have found my blog. They have sent me emails or texts letting me know that they read my blog. I guess the main thing that amazes me is that they are perfectly fine with everything. It doesn't freak out them out that I'm gay. I would think that there would be a lot more people in happy valley that would be freaking out about it, but they aren't. It's nice to know that there are still a lot of good people out there who don't care about who I am attracted to, but rather who I am as a person. It also amazes me with how many find actually find my blog. It makes me wonder what they are searching for and how they find it. I remember a time when I was afraid that people would find out, but now I'm completely fine with it.
High school was not a good time for me. In fact, I hated high school with a passion. I was always angry, bitter, and rarely happy. I could fake everything--people thought I was the happiest person, that I had tons of friends, that I loved life, that I was straight, and many other things. The truth of the matter is that none of these things were my life. Sure, there were moments when I was happy and I could find solace and peace of my whenever I jumped into the pool, but my life was not what most people in my high school thought it was.
My angry and bitter stage of life started in middle school. I had a good amount of friends, but nobody I really connected with. I was welcomed into groups but I felt like an outsider. It hurt and nobody seemed to notice. I soon developed addictions to gay pornography and masturbation because it helped the pain go away for a moment, but it always came back. Then high school happened. A lot of my "close" friends from middle school ditched me and left me on my own. That hurt really bad and caused me to be even angrier. The loneliness never really went away. Nobody was helping me to fix it. Nobody was helping me get over my addictions. I prayed to God for help, but nothing happened. I went and talked to my bishop about my addictions, but he too was no help. He seemed uncaring and I never went back to him for help. I couldn't turn to my parents and friends because they wouldn't understand. They had no idea what I was going through because they seemed too absorbed in their own life. I couldn't go to any of my other church leaders because I didn't trust them because of my bishop and one of my leaders kept telling me that I was going inactive. My testimony fell apart and it has always been a struggle to get it back because of these events that happened to me.
Then I turned 16. It was a time for dating and excitement. I wasn't excited to date because I did have any guy friends to go on double or group dates with. I, however, found some guy friends and we were able to go on groups dates, but the loneliness still pervaded my essence and my being. I couldn't rid myself of it. A short time after I turned 16, I finally discovered the real reason why I was lonely--I came out to myself. I realized that I was gay because I had a huge crush on this guy. He was so attractive, sweet, and funny. I caught myself staring at him and wanting to be with him. I had crushes throughout middle school and my freshman year of high school on guys, but I always told myself it was because I wanted to be like them and that I wanted to be their friend. Ha! That was a huge lie. Even though I came out to myself, I was still in denial. I knew deep down that I was gay, but I didn't want to be. I still looked at porn, had crushes, and sneaked glances at guys in locker rooms, but I was in denial. This caused me to still be angry and bitter in life and my testimony was gone.
I came out a couple of months after high school. I made an amazing friend. I found that I wasn't lonely anymore and that I was happy outside of the swimming pool. I told that friend and he came out to me too--he was the first person I told that I was gay and I was the first person he told that he was gay. It was a good time and we were in love. This is besides the point though. I have changed so much from high school. I am finally happy. I have found meaning, purpose, passions, and everything between in my life. I am a completely different person!
Tonight, I am going right back into high school. Some old high school friends that I promised I would hang out with this break are throwing a New Year's Eve party. I wanted so bad to get out of it, but I couldn't--no other plans. The girl who is throwing it called me this morning and told me who was all going to be there and it is all of my old high school friends--I haven't seen them in over 2 years. I know that none of them have changed, but I know that I have changed drastically--some high school friends that I keep in contact with agree with me on that. I'm kind of scared to go back to them. I have no idea what they will think of me. I don't care if they assume that I am gay, know that I am gay, or ask me that I am gay--I'm over that now. It's more if they don't accept the new me. I know that I shouldn't care because they aren't even part of my life anymore, but I do. They were the ones who didn't ditch me in high school like so many other friends did. Yet, they were the friends who didn't notice my pain and agony. Ugh! This is so frustrating sometimes. I hope that their judgments will not make me fall out of my happiness that I've found myself in right now.
High school was not a good time for me. In fact, I hated high school with a passion. I was always angry, bitter, and rarely happy. I could fake everything--people thought I was the happiest person, that I had tons of friends, that I loved life, that I was straight, and many other things. The truth of the matter is that none of these things were my life. Sure, there were moments when I was happy and I could find solace and peace of my whenever I jumped into the pool, but my life was not what most people in my high school thought it was.
My angry and bitter stage of life started in middle school. I had a good amount of friends, but nobody I really connected with. I was welcomed into groups but I felt like an outsider. It hurt and nobody seemed to notice. I soon developed addictions to gay pornography and masturbation because it helped the pain go away for a moment, but it always came back. Then high school happened. A lot of my "close" friends from middle school ditched me and left me on my own. That hurt really bad and caused me to be even angrier. The loneliness never really went away. Nobody was helping me to fix it. Nobody was helping me get over my addictions. I prayed to God for help, but nothing happened. I went and talked to my bishop about my addictions, but he too was no help. He seemed uncaring and I never went back to him for help. I couldn't turn to my parents and friends because they wouldn't understand. They had no idea what I was going through because they seemed too absorbed in their own life. I couldn't go to any of my other church leaders because I didn't trust them because of my bishop and one of my leaders kept telling me that I was going inactive. My testimony fell apart and it has always been a struggle to get it back because of these events that happened to me.
Then I turned 16. It was a time for dating and excitement. I wasn't excited to date because I did have any guy friends to go on double or group dates with. I, however, found some guy friends and we were able to go on groups dates, but the loneliness still pervaded my essence and my being. I couldn't rid myself of it. A short time after I turned 16, I finally discovered the real reason why I was lonely--I came out to myself. I realized that I was gay because I had a huge crush on this guy. He was so attractive, sweet, and funny. I caught myself staring at him and wanting to be with him. I had crushes throughout middle school and my freshman year of high school on guys, but I always told myself it was because I wanted to be like them and that I wanted to be their friend. Ha! That was a huge lie. Even though I came out to myself, I was still in denial. I knew deep down that I was gay, but I didn't want to be. I still looked at porn, had crushes, and sneaked glances at guys in locker rooms, but I was in denial. This caused me to still be angry and bitter in life and my testimony was gone.
I came out a couple of months after high school. I made an amazing friend. I found that I wasn't lonely anymore and that I was happy outside of the swimming pool. I told that friend and he came out to me too--he was the first person I told that I was gay and I was the first person he told that he was gay. It was a good time and we were in love. This is besides the point though. I have changed so much from high school. I am finally happy. I have found meaning, purpose, passions, and everything between in my life. I am a completely different person!
Tonight, I am going right back into high school. Some old high school friends that I promised I would hang out with this break are throwing a New Year's Eve party. I wanted so bad to get out of it, but I couldn't--no other plans. The girl who is throwing it called me this morning and told me who was all going to be there and it is all of my old high school friends--I haven't seen them in over 2 years. I know that none of them have changed, but I know that I have changed drastically--some high school friends that I keep in contact with agree with me on that. I'm kind of scared to go back to them. I have no idea what they will think of me. I don't care if they assume that I am gay, know that I am gay, or ask me that I am gay--I'm over that now. It's more if they don't accept the new me. I know that I shouldn't care because they aren't even part of my life anymore, but I do. They were the ones who didn't ditch me in high school like so many other friends did. Yet, they were the friends who didn't notice my pain and agony. Ugh! This is so frustrating sometimes. I hope that their judgments will not make me fall out of my happiness that I've found myself in right now.
Looking Back
16 December 2008
About two years ago, I came out to my first friend. That friend then came out to me that very same night and we became boyfriends. In a couple of days, it will mark the day that I last talked to him. That was a very hard day for me. As I look back, the separation was the best for the both of us. This event is what started me on my journey of self-discovery. I have learned so much in just two years about life, love, myself, friends, the world, and so much more. I know that I couldn't have done this with him in my life. He consumed me during the time when we were together. He was always on my mind. We were always texting, doing homework, hanging out, watching movies, swimming, playing, working out, eating (one of our favorite past times after swimming or working out), and many other things. We were inseparable. He is now serving a mission. He has made different choices in his life that led him there. He went on a different journey of self-discovery than me. There are days that I wish I would have been on a different path so I could be on a mission right now like him and there are other days that I am glad that I am on a different path and not a mission. There is one thing that I wish I could change though--I wish I could still be friends with him.
I realize that I can't change the past, the different paths that I have been on, and the choices I have made. I can only choose the path that I am on at this moment. I love the path that I am on. It has taught so much about myself. It has started a new period of self-discovery. What is my path now? It is the path of things that I love and am passionate about. I am in love with swimming, coaching, medicine, school, Madonna, research, my goals, and my friends. These things fill my time and teach me so many things. I have learned that I absolutely love life, even though it sucks sometimes (actually this semester life has pretty much sucked the whole time). I have learned not to feel lonely and if I do how to fix that. I have learned that people love and miss me. I have learned that I am a leader, not a follower (I have always known this but it has become more prevalent in my life). I have learned that I can have one of the hardest semesters in my collegiate career and come off top in all of my classes. I have learned that I don't have to hide anything anymore--I am who I am, which includes all of my faults. I have learned about HIV and I am starting to write a paper with my advising professor. I have learned to create and achieve bigger and better goals in my life. I have seen Madonna in concert and that renewed my love for her. I learned at the concert that she is amazing live! I have a renewed passion for swimming and coaching it. I have had a greater sense of my calling in life. I know that I am supposed to be doctor, even though I have many other talents in other areas. The last major and probably most important lesson I have learned is balancing all areas of my life. These things that I have learned have all come from the path that I am on right now--the one that I chose.
Where does this lead me now? Do I change paths, stay on the one that I am, or do I move in the same direction while exploring little side paths? I'm not sure. I go by feel. I do what I feel is right. I know that the path that I am on is wrong for me when areas of my life start to suffer because of choices I have made--the balance is thrown off. I'm going to keep on trekking in this life to find out what it is supposed to be and who I am.
One last thing that I want to say is that I am finally truly happy with no conditions placed upon my happiness. I love myself, my life, and everything that it involves! :)
I realize that I can't change the past, the different paths that I have been on, and the choices I have made. I can only choose the path that I am on at this moment. I love the path that I am on. It has taught so much about myself. It has started a new period of self-discovery. What is my path now? It is the path of things that I love and am passionate about. I am in love with swimming, coaching, medicine, school, Madonna, research, my goals, and my friends. These things fill my time and teach me so many things. I have learned that I absolutely love life, even though it sucks sometimes (actually this semester life has pretty much sucked the whole time). I have learned not to feel lonely and if I do how to fix that. I have learned that people love and miss me. I have learned that I am a leader, not a follower (I have always known this but it has become more prevalent in my life). I have learned that I can have one of the hardest semesters in my collegiate career and come off top in all of my classes. I have learned that I don't have to hide anything anymore--I am who I am, which includes all of my faults. I have learned about HIV and I am starting to write a paper with my advising professor. I have learned to create and achieve bigger and better goals in my life. I have seen Madonna in concert and that renewed my love for her. I learned at the concert that she is amazing live! I have a renewed passion for swimming and coaching it. I have had a greater sense of my calling in life. I know that I am supposed to be doctor, even though I have many other talents in other areas. The last major and probably most important lesson I have learned is balancing all areas of my life. These things that I have learned have all come from the path that I am on right now--the one that I chose.
Where does this lead me now? Do I change paths, stay on the one that I am, or do I move in the same direction while exploring little side paths? I'm not sure. I go by feel. I do what I feel is right. I know that the path that I am on is wrong for me when areas of my life start to suffer because of choices I have made--the balance is thrown off. I'm going to keep on trekking in this life to find out what it is supposed to be and who I am.
One last thing that I want to say is that I am finally truly happy with no conditions placed upon my happiness. I love myself, my life, and everything that it involves! :)
Grandpa
21 November 2008
I love my grandparents so much. I can't believe how blessed I am to have such a good family. I came out to my grandpa last summer and it was a good experience for both of us--I had previously come out to my grandma when I first came out to my parents. He told me how much he loved me and that I was still one of his favorite grandchildren if not his favorite. He also said that he wished I did not have to live such a hard life--he worries for me constantly (about my health, my grades, my ambitions, and now my sexuality and place in the world).
Before I get into what I wanted to say about what happened tonight, I want to give a little background about my grandpa. He is not a member of the Church. He never has been and he probably will never be--he's really stubborn and doesn't like to conform. He used to dislike all of his grandchildren or so we thought until about couple of years ago when he first told me that he was proud of me and that he loved me. After that day, he has never been the same. He has turned into the sweetest grandpa anyone could have. My grandpa served in WWII and Vietnam. He has lived through the Great Depression. He also raised a family by running his own garage. He has live a long and hard life and I look up to him a lot.
I decided to pay my grandparents a visit today because I hadn't seen them in about a month and I missed both of their birthdays because of study groups. We started chatting and laughing. They asked me about my health, school, work, and things like that. Then my grandma got a call and it was me and my grandpa sitting there talking. We were talking about politics when out of the blue, my grandpa started to cry. I asked him what the matter was. He told me how much he admired me. This really struck home. I felt amazing after he said that and tears started welling up in my eyes. He told me that I have a good head on my shoulders and it saddens him to see me in so much pain with my health and general frustrations with life. We talked about this for awhile with tears streaming down both of our cheeks. Then he told me that he has always wanted to see me go on a mission and how much he knew it meant to me (he doesn't know the real reason why I didn't go, but it meant a lot to me to see that he cares that I didn't go). He also said that it saddens him to think that I might never find a wife to raise a family with because he was excited for my children and he wanted to see me happy like he and my grandma are. He knows that I am planning to stick with the Church and he's actually glad that I decided this. It just saddens him to think that I might be alone my whole life. After many tears were shed and various discussions about topics of the like, I had to go. I got up and gave him a huge hug. He told me that he loved me so much and that he was really glad that I stopped in. I then grabbed my grandma for a minute and told her that I loved her. She asked why I had been crying and I told her to ask grandpa (I have a feeling I'll get an email about it from her tonight or tomorrow). She then told me that she loves me too and apologized for not being there to talk--I didn't care too much cause I had a good heart to heart with grandpa which doesn't happen all the time.
I'm extremely grateful for my family and I love them so much!
Before I get into what I wanted to say about what happened tonight, I want to give a little background about my grandpa. He is not a member of the Church. He never has been and he probably will never be--he's really stubborn and doesn't like to conform. He used to dislike all of his grandchildren or so we thought until about couple of years ago when he first told me that he was proud of me and that he loved me. After that day, he has never been the same. He has turned into the sweetest grandpa anyone could have. My grandpa served in WWII and Vietnam. He has lived through the Great Depression. He also raised a family by running his own garage. He has live a long and hard life and I look up to him a lot.
I decided to pay my grandparents a visit today because I hadn't seen them in about a month and I missed both of their birthdays because of study groups. We started chatting and laughing. They asked me about my health, school, work, and things like that. Then my grandma got a call and it was me and my grandpa sitting there talking. We were talking about politics when out of the blue, my grandpa started to cry. I asked him what the matter was. He told me how much he admired me. This really struck home. I felt amazing after he said that and tears started welling up in my eyes. He told me that I have a good head on my shoulders and it saddens him to see me in so much pain with my health and general frustrations with life. We talked about this for awhile with tears streaming down both of our cheeks. Then he told me that he has always wanted to see me go on a mission and how much he knew it meant to me (he doesn't know the real reason why I didn't go, but it meant a lot to me to see that he cares that I didn't go). He also said that it saddens him to think that I might never find a wife to raise a family with because he was excited for my children and he wanted to see me happy like he and my grandma are. He knows that I am planning to stick with the Church and he's actually glad that I decided this. It just saddens him to think that I might be alone my whole life. After many tears were shed and various discussions about topics of the like, I had to go. I got up and gave him a huge hug. He told me that he loved me so much and that he was really glad that I stopped in. I then grabbed my grandma for a minute and told her that I loved her. She asked why I had been crying and I told her to ask grandpa (I have a feeling I'll get an email about it from her tonight or tomorrow). She then told me that she loves me too and apologized for not being there to talk--I didn't care too much cause I had a good heart to heart with grandpa which doesn't happen all the time.
I'm extremely grateful for my family and I love them so much!
I Hate The Fight for Marriage
19 October 2008
I am personally getting so sick of all of the fighting over the definition of marriage and Proposition 8. I hate hearing people on campus talking about. I hate getting emails about how I should support both sides. I hate hearing people bash on each other. I hate how the Church is handling the situation. I hate how a lot of MoHos (and the gay community) are handling the situation. I hate getting facebook invites telling me to "say no" or "say yes." I hate getting into fights with friends about the topic. I hate seeing my friends and family talk about the issue and fight over it because they differ on opinions. I hate how much contention this is causing.
Why can't we all just be friends and be ourselves? Why can't everybody have the same rights? Isn't that what America is about, equal rights for all?
These questions open up a huge discussion on the topic, but I don't want to get involved with it anymore. I am sick of it! I want it to be over and I want to hear nothing about it again. I wish it would all go away.
Why can't we all just be friends and be ourselves? Why can't everybody have the same rights? Isn't that what America is about, equal rights for all?
These questions open up a huge discussion on the topic, but I don't want to get involved with it anymore. I am sick of it! I want it to be over and I want to hear nothing about it again. I wish it would all go away.
Finding Meaning
12 October 2008
And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.I can relate with Julie. Sometimes you need to run away, leave the world, friends, and family behind, look deep within yourself to find out who you really are, and then build yourself back up from a clear broth becoming who you want to be without the influence of others.
-Julie Gregory, Sickened
Disgusting
07 September 2008
I had an interesting experience last night. I was with a couple of friends who know about me and they asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I told them yes. Then they asked if I had ever done more and I again told them yes. They then told me that it was disgusting and repulsing. What did I do to deserve that treatment? I was just answering their questions honestly and then I get crap thrown in my face. I feel like I really do not deserve it, but I guess it happens and there is nothing that I can do about it now.
The problem is that it makes me wonder if I am disgusting or repulsive and this causes me to sometimes hate myself or hate what is naturally a part of me. They really did not realize how hurtful it was. Sure at the moment, I was able to blow it off and pretend like it did not matter, but the rest of the night I was wondering what else they thought was disgusting or repulsive about me. It is not like I go around telling people that their body makes me want to vomit or their face looks revolting. Why should someone go and tell me that a part of me is that way? I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up, but I did not. I just took it and now after sitting in a regional church conference and stewing over it during the night and that conference, I sort of feel ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I should not though. I should not look to the past and wish things happened differently. I should also not wish that I could be different and not have these attractions. I should live in the here and now and live life with what God has given me.
Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?
The problem is that it makes me wonder if I am disgusting or repulsive and this causes me to sometimes hate myself or hate what is naturally a part of me. They really did not realize how hurtful it was. Sure at the moment, I was able to blow it off and pretend like it did not matter, but the rest of the night I was wondering what else they thought was disgusting or repulsive about me. It is not like I go around telling people that their body makes me want to vomit or their face looks revolting. Why should someone go and tell me that a part of me is that way? I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up, but I did not. I just took it and now after sitting in a regional church conference and stewing over it during the night and that conference, I sort of feel ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I should not though. I should not look to the past and wish things happened differently. I should also not wish that I could be different and not have these attractions. I should live in the here and now and live life with what God has given me.
Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?
Sweet Little Lies
29 August 2008
"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies..." I do not know if any of you remember this song, but I sure do and it feels like this is what I have been wanting, no craving from myself for about 5 months or more now. As many of you know I mentioned on Sunday that I was drowning. I have had a lot of people send their love to me and shown that they have wanted to talk to me about it, but they failed to read what I said in my blog--I need a break. That included talking about gay issues, hanging out with certain people, talking with certain friends, and so on. Well, I have started to figure things out, but I still need my space. I also need to write some things for therapeutic purposes and that is why I am writing now.
Going back to Sunday... I talked with my bishop and we both came to the conclusion that I am not sure what I want in my life. Yes, this means that I have made my way back onto the fence. I hate to admit this, but it is true and sad at the same time. We also both came to the conclusion that I have been spiraling downward since I was rejected from serving a mission and that is what has caused me to land uncomfortably back on the fence.
What has lead me being back on the fence and drowning? Well, the answer is not very simple. There have been a lot of things that have been affecting me.
One is the lack of direction and goals. I am a very goal oriented person. When I was working on going on a mission, it was so much easier to forget about all my issues and it was easy to focus my attention on being good so that I could go. I did have my weak moments during that time, but I generally had the Spirit with me and a direction to go. Now, life is completely different. I have tried dating, but it has frustrated me so I have decided not to worry too much about dating seriously or even consider marriage right now. With that goal out of the picture, what other Spiritual goals do I have? None... I do not have a calling and I feel like I do not have a purpose right now. How can a set goals for myself and move in a forward direction when I do not have a purpose or a calling? I cannot. I have been trying to move forward, but I have been slowly forgetting to swim.
Two is not feeling welcome in my ward. I have been going to my family ward since October now because my parents have wanted me to stay home because of health issues. I have not had the desire to go to my stake singles ward because it is just like high school all over again and I personally hated most of the people in high school and I did not get along with them. That is why I have continued to go to my family ward. The problem is that I do not feel welcome. Nobody talks to me except my parents and a few old ladies here and there. My Elder's Quorum and home teachers can careless about me (I do not even know who my home teachers are and nobody ever talks to me in Priesthood because they do not like my liberal take on the Gospel). My Elder's Quorum President didn't even know my name until after being there for almost 6 months. Does that make anyone feel welcome? NO! It is so frustrating! UGH! Not feeling welcome makes me not want to go to Church. I would try to find excuses not to go and when I would go I would hate it and end up texting people throughout the whole block. I could not feel the Spirit when I felt like nobody wanted me there or wanted to hear my opinions.
Three is stopping reading the scriptures and praying. I know this is my fault, but when the two things mentioned above started affecting me, I really did not the inclination to be spiritual. Then I eventually started feeling guilty when I would pray and read the scriptures. That caused me to stop altogether. I prayed for the first time tonight in probably a couple of months.
Four is falling for a guy and doing things with him.
Five is wanting a relationship.
Six is lying to myself that all is well, when in reality I was starting to drown. I kept telling myself that I was doing fine. That I was being spiritual. Yeah, right! I kept telling myself that I was strong. I was putting on a facade with myself and with others. As I look back, I know that I care a lot about how I appear to people and admitting to myself and others that I was struggling was something that I could not do because so many of you know me personally. I was the strong person--someone people looked up to, the one who was going to stay in the Church no matter what. So I started to lie to myself and to you all through blogging and in person. I used to could write everything that I was feeling on this blog, but that changed. Then I used to could write everything that I was feeling on my private blog, but that changed too. Now, I am going to write everything on this blog. I am not going to lie to myself and others. I struggle just as much as the next guy or gal.
So there you have it. I am done telling sweet little lies. I am going to tell the truth and the way things are. This blog is for me and you all should feel luck that you can read this part of my life--the part that I do not share with many people.
Going back to Sunday... I talked with my bishop and we both came to the conclusion that I am not sure what I want in my life. Yes, this means that I have made my way back onto the fence. I hate to admit this, but it is true and sad at the same time. We also both came to the conclusion that I have been spiraling downward since I was rejected from serving a mission and that is what has caused me to land uncomfortably back on the fence.
What has lead me being back on the fence and drowning? Well, the answer is not very simple. There have been a lot of things that have been affecting me.
One is the lack of direction and goals. I am a very goal oriented person. When I was working on going on a mission, it was so much easier to forget about all my issues and it was easy to focus my attention on being good so that I could go. I did have my weak moments during that time, but I generally had the Spirit with me and a direction to go. Now, life is completely different. I have tried dating, but it has frustrated me so I have decided not to worry too much about dating seriously or even consider marriage right now. With that goal out of the picture, what other Spiritual goals do I have? None... I do not have a calling and I feel like I do not have a purpose right now. How can a set goals for myself and move in a forward direction when I do not have a purpose or a calling? I cannot. I have been trying to move forward, but I have been slowly forgetting to swim.
Two is not feeling welcome in my ward. I have been going to my family ward since October now because my parents have wanted me to stay home because of health issues. I have not had the desire to go to my stake singles ward because it is just like high school all over again and I personally hated most of the people in high school and I did not get along with them. That is why I have continued to go to my family ward. The problem is that I do not feel welcome. Nobody talks to me except my parents and a few old ladies here and there. My Elder's Quorum and home teachers can careless about me (I do not even know who my home teachers are and nobody ever talks to me in Priesthood because they do not like my liberal take on the Gospel). My Elder's Quorum President didn't even know my name until after being there for almost 6 months. Does that make anyone feel welcome? NO! It is so frustrating! UGH! Not feeling welcome makes me not want to go to Church. I would try to find excuses not to go and when I would go I would hate it and end up texting people throughout the whole block. I could not feel the Spirit when I felt like nobody wanted me there or wanted to hear my opinions.
Three is stopping reading the scriptures and praying. I know this is my fault, but when the two things mentioned above started affecting me, I really did not the inclination to be spiritual. Then I eventually started feeling guilty when I would pray and read the scriptures. That caused me to stop altogether. I prayed for the first time tonight in probably a couple of months.
Four is falling for a guy and doing things with him.
Five is wanting a relationship.
Six is lying to myself that all is well, when in reality I was starting to drown. I kept telling myself that I was doing fine. That I was being spiritual. Yeah, right! I kept telling myself that I was strong. I was putting on a facade with myself and with others. As I look back, I know that I care a lot about how I appear to people and admitting to myself and others that I was struggling was something that I could not do because so many of you know me personally. I was the strong person--someone people looked up to, the one who was going to stay in the Church no matter what. So I started to lie to myself and to you all through blogging and in person. I used to could write everything that I was feeling on this blog, but that changed. Then I used to could write everything that I was feeling on my private blog, but that changed too. Now, I am going to write everything on this blog. I am not going to lie to myself and others. I struggle just as much as the next guy or gal.
So there you have it. I am done telling sweet little lies. I am going to tell the truth and the way things are. This blog is for me and you all should feel luck that you can read this part of my life--the part that I do not share with many people.
Being Honest
05 May 2008
This is in response to a comment Molly Sue left on one of my recent blogs.
I have for a very long time decided to not call my attractions my struggle. They are a part of me and they make me the person that I am. My attractions are as part of me as my eyes are green, my hair is dirty blond, and my love for swimming. In fact, I do not struggle with them and have not done so for almost a year. That is when I started to fully accept myself and live my life to the fullest. God gave me attractions to men for a reason and if I hate and struggle with these attractions, I hate and struggle with God. I do not and cannot understand why, but I believe it is for a certain reason.
I have actually been out for a very long time and that is why I decided to start using my real name and picture. I have told numerous friends and some have been supportive and some have not. I am finally comfortable enough to not hide anything anymore. I used to be a little bit more conservative around certain people, but not anymore. I still will not make certain comments that totally out me, but I am much more open and honest than I have ever been. I am fine with this too. I actually really enjoy it. I enjoy the conversations I have with friends and family about the topic and I love enlightening them on the topic. Being out is wonderful! :)
About the term SSA, I use it more often than not because I do not like calling myself gay. I guess I could use the term homosexual (I sometimes use that). I feel that labeling myself as gay or a homosexual is too defining. I define myself as Sean. My attractions only make up a small part of who I am and if I use those terms too many stereotypes pop in people's minds and it can hurt relationships. I have had this happen before. It also seems better to not set up definitions for yourself because they can consume you and then you have problems with getting out of those definitions. I have had problems with that before and I have seen others struggle with the same problem. Those are the main reasons why I use SSA and define myself as Sean.
I have for a very long time decided to not call my attractions my struggle. They are a part of me and they make me the person that I am. My attractions are as part of me as my eyes are green, my hair is dirty blond, and my love for swimming. In fact, I do not struggle with them and have not done so for almost a year. That is when I started to fully accept myself and live my life to the fullest. God gave me attractions to men for a reason and if I hate and struggle with these attractions, I hate and struggle with God. I do not and cannot understand why, but I believe it is for a certain reason.
I have actually been out for a very long time and that is why I decided to start using my real name and picture. I have told numerous friends and some have been supportive and some have not. I am finally comfortable enough to not hide anything anymore. I used to be a little bit more conservative around certain people, but not anymore. I still will not make certain comments that totally out me, but I am much more open and honest than I have ever been. I am fine with this too. I actually really enjoy it. I enjoy the conversations I have with friends and family about the topic and I love enlightening them on the topic. Being out is wonderful! :)
About the term SSA, I use it more often than not because I do not like calling myself gay. I guess I could use the term homosexual (I sometimes use that). I feel that labeling myself as gay or a homosexual is too defining. I define myself as Sean. My attractions only make up a small part of who I am and if I use those terms too many stereotypes pop in people's minds and it can hurt relationships. I have had this happen before. It also seems better to not set up definitions for yourself because they can consume you and then you have problems with getting out of those definitions. I have had problems with that before and I have seen others struggle with the same problem. Those are the main reasons why I use SSA and define myself as Sean.
Life Is Good
06 March 2008
Life is so good right now! A lot of things are going my way, but there are still a lot of things that are not. I am fine with this. Life is wonderful and I am so happy!
Do You Like Me?
07 December 2007
It seems nowadays that every time I try to write a post, I stop before I even get to it. I think it is from this preoccupation I have of people not liking my opinions and how they do not want to hear or read them. As I said in my last post, I have plenty of other places where I can write my thoughts and feelings down to people who are about me and who actually like my opinions. I guess I should get over this preoccupation, but for some reason I cannot.
So please tell me if you like me or not. I do not care what you say, just be honest with me and speak your mind. That is what I always try to do so I hope that you will do this for me.
Do you like me?
So please tell me if you like me or not. I do not care what you say, just be honest with me and speak your mind. That is what I always try to do so I hope that you will do this for me.
Do you like me?
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