High School

31 December 2008
I received a message from a girl I knew in high school a couple of days ago telling me that she has been stalking my blog. The first thought was amazement. There have been a lot of people from high school who have found my blog. They have sent me emails or texts letting me know that they read my blog. I guess the main thing that amazes me is that they are perfectly fine with everything. It doesn't freak out them out that I'm gay. I would think that there would be a lot more people in happy valley that would be freaking out about it, but they aren't. It's nice to know that there are still a lot of good people out there who don't care about who I am attracted to, but rather who I am as a person. It also amazes me with how many find actually find my blog. It makes me wonder what they are searching for and how they find it. I remember a time when I was afraid that people would find out, but now I'm completely fine with it.

High school was not a good time for me. In fact, I hated high school with a passion. I was always angry, bitter, and rarely happy. I could fake everything--people thought I was the happiest person, that I had tons of friends, that I loved life, that I was straight, and many other things. The truth of the matter is that none of these things were my life. Sure, there were moments when I was happy and I could find solace and peace of my whenever I jumped into the pool, but my life was not what most people in my high school thought it was.

My angry and bitter stage of life started in middle school. I had a good amount of friends, but nobody I really connected with. I was welcomed into groups but I felt like an outsider. It hurt and nobody seemed to notice. I soon developed addictions to gay pornography and masturbation because it helped the pain go away for a moment, but it always came back. Then high school happened. A lot of my "close" friends from middle school ditched me and left me on my own. That hurt really bad and caused me to be even angrier. The loneliness never really went away. Nobody was helping me to fix it. Nobody was helping me get over my addictions. I prayed to God for help, but nothing happened. I went and talked to my bishop about my addictions, but he too was no help. He seemed uncaring and I never went back to him for help. I couldn't turn to my parents and friends because they wouldn't understand. They had no idea what I was going through because they seemed too absorbed in their own life. I couldn't go to any of my other church leaders because I didn't trust them because of my bishop and one of my leaders kept telling me that I was going inactive. My testimony fell apart and it has always been a struggle to get it back because of these events that happened to me.

Then I turned 16. It was a time for dating and excitement. I wasn't excited to date because I did have any guy friends to go on double or group dates with. I, however, found some guy friends and we were able to go on groups dates, but the loneliness still pervaded my essence and my being. I couldn't rid myself of it. A short time after I turned 16, I finally discovered the real reason why I was lonely--I came out to myself. I realized that I was gay because I had a huge crush on this guy. He was so attractive, sweet, and funny. I caught myself staring at him and wanting to be with him. I had crushes throughout middle school and my freshman year of high school on guys, but I always told myself it was because I wanted to be like them and that I wanted to be their friend. Ha! That was a huge lie. Even though I came out to myself, I was still in denial. I knew deep down that I was gay, but I didn't want to be. I still looked at porn, had crushes, and sneaked glances at guys in locker rooms, but I was in denial. This caused me to still be angry and bitter in life and my testimony was gone.

I came out a couple of months after high school. I made an amazing friend. I found that I wasn't lonely anymore and that I was happy outside of the swimming pool. I told that friend and he came out to me too--he was the first person I told that I was gay and I was the first person he told that he was gay. It was a good time and we were in love. This is besides the point though. I have changed so much from high school. I am finally happy. I have found meaning, purpose, passions, and everything between in my life. I am a completely different person!

Tonight, I am going right back into high school. Some old high school friends that I promised I would hang out with this break are throwing a New Year's Eve party. I wanted so bad to get out of it, but I couldn't--no other plans. The girl who is throwing it called me this morning and told me who was all going to be there and it is all of my old high school friends--I haven't seen them in over 2 years. I know that none of them have changed, but I know that I have changed drastically--some high school friends that I keep in contact with agree with me on that. I'm kind of scared to go back to them. I have no idea what they will think of me. I don't care if they assume that I am gay, know that I am gay, or ask me that I am gay--I'm over that now. It's more if they don't accept the new me. I know that I shouldn't care because they aren't even part of my life anymore, but I do. They were the ones who didn't ditch me in high school like so many other friends did. Yet, they were the friends who didn't notice my pain and agony. Ugh! This is so frustrating sometimes. I hope that their judgments will not make me fall out of my happiness that I've found myself in right now.

4 comments:

Cadence said...

"High school was not a good time for me. In fact, I hated high school with a passion. I was always angry, bitter, and rarely happy. I could fake everything--people thought I was the happiest person, that I had tons of friends, that I loved life, that I was straight, and many other things. The truth of the matter is that none of these things were my life. Sure, there were moments when I was happy and I could find solace and peace...but my life was not what most people in my high school thought it was."

I can't help you with the main point of your post but this paragraph was exactly the same with me... so yeah I feel for you I hope things go well tonight, I'm sorry I can't give you any advice or encouragement... good luck and don't let it get to you if it isn't the greatest thats not a good way to start out a new year... take it easy...

Ry said...

Sean! Oi vey! I wrote you this incredibly insightful comment that took a half an hour, and it was amazing! And... then my computer poo pooed me! AHHH!!! Anyhoo, long story short, i can sympathize with you sorta... my high school was amazing! But... my junior high was hell. Kids can be mean! I was called things i won't permit myself to say, i have had kids throw trash at me, and i have walked down a hall of 160 people, and every one of them were talking about me. My hell was much more blunt than yours...

But if your friends don't accept you, then talk to them, and if it doesn't work, then leave! You don't have to stay there if you are uncomfortable!

It is a completely valid concern to want to be accepted by your high school peers! They were your friends, and if they don't accept you, then, it might take into question if they ever accepted you as a person, or if they accepted your mask, your facade... Carl Jung had an idea about mandala's, and and our person, and our persona. And our person, was who we are! And our persona is what others saw us to be. And when the two match, we find out who we truly are!

Be you! If they don't like it, then tough nuggies for them! You can come up to my place, even at 2 am, whenever! Oi vey... my internet just did it again! AHHH!!! Hopefully you'll get this... if not, your next post will be, "i'm sorry buddy! If things don't work up, then come up!" HAHA!

Hopefully you'll get this!

Bon nochte en bon chance!

Ryan

(HURRAY IT'S BACK!!!)

camille said...

...and this is why i stalk your blog.
keep producing quality posts.

hooray!
happy new year.

Z i n j said...

Sean..this is not insighful. Rather random stuff. The new you is the old you. Same skin...same baggage, same soul just new experinces new paths new choices that have allowed you to grow. Don't expect them old buds to be new people either..just twisted one way or another by their life choices and experiences. This should be a chance to measure your life experience against that of others. Your a brave one...sometimes too brave. You expect alot and get alot. Where they are is only relevant to the extent that it inspires you. Old feeling are to be remembered but not lived. Much water has the the river ran. The harmony that surrounds you is from within. Since you've already had this experience and it went well...this comment may be random and pointless. I just think your an amazing person to be where you are given the stones placed along the way.