Looking Back

16 December 2008
About two years ago, I came out to my first friend. That friend then came out to me that very same night and we became boyfriends. In a couple of days, it will mark the day that I last talked to him. That was a very hard day for me. As I look back, the separation was the best for the both of us. This event is what started me on my journey of self-discovery. I have learned so much in just two years about life, love, myself, friends, the world, and so much more. I know that I couldn't have done this with him in my life. He consumed me during the time when we were together. He was always on my mind. We were always texting, doing homework, hanging out, watching movies, swimming, playing, working out, eating (one of our favorite past times after swimming or working out), and many other things. We were inseparable. He is now serving a mission. He has made different choices in his life that led him there. He went on a different journey of self-discovery than me. There are days that I wish I would have been on a different path so I could be on a mission right now like him and there are other days that I am glad that I am on a different path and not a mission. There is one thing that I wish I could change though--I wish I could still be friends with him.

I realize that I can't change the past, the different paths that I have been on, and the choices I have made. I can only choose the path that I am on at this moment. I love the path that I am on. It has taught so much about myself. It has started a new period of self-discovery. What is my path now? It is the path of things that I love and am passionate about. I am in love with swimming, coaching, medicine, school, Madonna, research, my goals, and my friends. These things fill my time and teach me so many things. I have learned that I absolutely love life, even though it sucks sometimes (actually this semester life has pretty much sucked the whole time). I have learned not to feel lonely and if I do how to fix that. I have learned that people love and miss me. I have learned that I am a leader, not a follower (I have always known this but it has become more prevalent in my life). I have learned that I can have one of the hardest semesters in my collegiate career and come off top in all of my classes. I have learned that I don't have to hide anything anymore--I am who I am, which includes all of my faults. I have learned about HIV and I am starting to write a paper with my advising professor. I have learned to create and achieve bigger and better goals in my life. I have seen Madonna in concert and that renewed my love for her. I learned at the concert that she is amazing live! I have a renewed passion for swimming and coaching it. I have had a greater sense of my calling in life. I know that I am supposed to be doctor, even though I have many other talents in other areas. The last major and probably most important lesson I have learned is balancing all areas of my life. These things that I have learned have all come from the path that I am on right now--the one that I chose.

Where does this lead me now? Do I change paths, stay on the one that I am, or do I move in the same direction while exploring little side paths? I'm not sure. I go by feel. I do what I feel is right. I know that the path that I am on is wrong for me when areas of my life start to suffer because of choices I have made--the balance is thrown off. I'm going to keep on trekking in this life to find out what it is supposed to be and who I am.

One last thing that I want to say is that I am finally truly happy with no conditions placed upon my happiness. I love myself, my life, and everything that it involves! :)


Z i n j said...

Sean...you rock. Keep doing life instead of reacting to it. Wish I was there!....well maybe not. We all have to figure our way through it all. Its getting lost that scares me. I've been maze lost plenty out in the canyons. Sometimes it means a long night. Sometimes it means discovery of an ancient ruin.

Bravone said...

Sean, I am glad that you have progressed on your path and feel happy and confident. I too seek balance and when I make choices that keep me balanced, I also find happiness.

kyle said...

Congratulations. True happiness is quite an achievement. We're all trying to find the right path for each of us. I think a way to know we're on the right path is by the happiness we experience.

Hidden said...


You know how proud of you I am. How I love you always, especially when you are happy since that is all I've ever wanted for you.

Thank you for being such a leader in my life, and a cherished friend as well.