Desperate?

17 November 2008
In my quest for guy friends, I am losing. I have tried everything. I have formed study groups. I have invited people over to my house. I have invited guys and girls to go out dancing, ice blocking, disco skating, and many other fun activities. I have called and texted them. All of this is to no avail. They seem like they enjoy my company and enjoy me as a person, but they never return the favor. They never call me. They never text me. They never invite me to parties. Am I just a person that has to put everything on? Am I a person who doesn't get thought about as someone who might like to do something? I want to know what it is about myself that turns guys and I guess people in general away from me because it seems like this happens with most people I try to make friends with--I usually do most of the work in the friendship.

This makes me wonder if I come off desperate for straight guy friends and that is why they don't invite me to things or see if I want to hang out. I think it is partially true that I am desperate. I have been craving to have a close guy friend, who is not gay, since the beginning of October. I want someone that I can go out and have a good time with, do things outdoors, do things that are active, and just chill and talk. I kind of have that with my girl friends, but it's not the same as having that with a good guy friend. Can they tell that I am partially desperate to have a friendship with them? I don't think so. I talk to them in classes. I study with them and I usually ask them if they are doing anything fun on the weekend. If they aren't, I see if they want to do something. I don't think that is desperate. Is it? I don't know. I don't know what else I can do. I wish it was as easy to make guy friends as it is girl friends.

As a side note, I will be posting about my trip to Vegas to see Madonna in a little while. I was planning on doing it today, but I took a nap instead. I am writing this because I can't sleep at the moment and this was on my mind.

10 comments:

kyle said...

I don't think it sounds desperate. It just sounds like you want to be their friend. I've had friends who, even though I cared about them a lot and wanted a tighter friendship with them, didn't really seem to 'get the hint.' Sometimes they'd invite me to things and sometimes I'd later hear about stuff they'd previously done without me.

I just always try to ignore that they 'forgot about me' those times and keep working on building a closer friendship. Keep at it and eventually (hopefully) it'll get better. Good luck.

playasinmar said...

I don't think you sound desperate.

I'm assuming you realize that you don't get to go out and have a good time with, do things outdoors, do things that are active, just chill and talk, or otherwise date a straight guy.

Kengo Biddles said...

You sound like the typical person who's making an effort to be friends with people.

People are more often than not turned in to focus on themselves. If they don't call you and invite you to do things, it's not a reflection on you, necessarily.

Z i n j said...

I wonder why SSA guys don't fit your criteria. I thought you hung out with Robert and the like..just for fun & no strings attached?

playasinmar said...

and Crow. Didn't you two hit it off?

Peas said...

I'm going to completely generalize straight guys to make a point...nobody stone me...
I'm not saying dances and ice blocking aren't really fun activities, but...straight guys are sort of unoriginal. It seems like they enjoy going to those activities with you, but that's not something they're going to typically plan. Actually, they're probably not going to plan, period, unless they're really trying to impress a girl or something. It might be that their idea of fun is getting a bunch of guys together at the last minute, ordering a pizza, and watching hours of football. Maybe they like you and the group activities you set up, but don't think you're interested in the last-minute things they set up? I haven't met any of these people so of course I can't say for sure, but...just a thought. And I don't think you sound desperate at all. Everybody needs friends. :)

A CROW'S VIEW said...

Yes Playasimar, I do recall that we hit it off, it was because Sean is a nice person. :-)

Bravone said...

Sean, I totally understand your need to have a straight male friend with whom you can bond. I have longed for that all my life. I have many good friends, but not the close association I longed for. I am not sure all the reasons I needed a straight friend, but for me, I think it is partly because I have always felt a little insecure, and wanted validation from another man that I am of value, that I can fit in, that I can succeed and be accepted in a hetero dominated society. I am sure there are many other reasons as well.

Lucky for me, a couple moved into our ward about 4 years ago that we took an instant liking to. Over the next few years, the husband and I became very close fiends. He shared with me his struggles with pornography and other things. I kept things inside for fear of losing my good friend.

Last year when I finally decided I had to quit living a double life, I came out to him and later his wife. He is such a special friend who had come to appreciate and love me and continues to love me in spite of the fact that he totally doesn't understand how someone could be homosexual. He knows that it is real and that it is usually not a chosen path. I have been able to tell him that sometimes I just need a hug from a male friend. He has graciously obliged, not only because he knows I need it, but he loves me like a brother.

His unconditional friendship has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. I pray you will be able to find someone like him to bless your life as he has mine.

Alan said...

Sean:

I totally understand your feelings, believe me, I really do. A couple of thoughts.

First, Peas is right. The kind of friendship you long for is not valued in modern American society and most American guys are clueless about it and its value. Rampant homophobia scares a lot of them away from anything that might possibly be interpreted as a hit of a suggestion that they might be anything less than a Kinsey 0. The result is emotional starvation so severe that I'd say a majority of American guys have no concept of the sort of friendship you're looking for; it simply doesn't occur to them to do what you've done. Impromptu pizza and football are the norm much beyond that never enters the mind. It's tragic because they don't know what they're missing. So you're really not alone in this.

Second. Be patient. Don't give up. I'm a little older than you and have been blessed with several friendships of the type you're looking for, and I can tell you that they can sometimes start in the most surprising ways, when you least expect it. I can also tell you that even so, they take time to cultivate. So keep up your efforts, don't do anything that makes you look desperate, and be patient. Make it a matter of prayer. Friends like you seek really are blessings from God and I see nothing wrong in asking for His help in finding them. Surely He would want His children to form bonds of such affection.

Third. Read the chapter entitled "Friendship" in C.S. Lewis' "The Four Loves." It will help you understand your feelings better, give you a clearer sense of what you're looking for and why, and will help you focus your efforts.

Kengo Biddles said...

Alan & Peas hit it EXACTLY on the head.

And Playa's right -- dating straight guys (without their knowing) isn't easy to do. But from what I've seen he's pretty good at it, though. ;)