Where Do I Belong?

27 April 2007

Here is yet another post on my thoughts as I have been depressed these last few days. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks. It has really started to bother me a week ago and I think that it is time to post my thoughts and feelings on it.

Where do I belong? Do I belong with other people with SSA, SSGs, straight women, or all of the above? Do I belong with a man or woman? With the church or outside of the church (I am with the church and I feel like I am supposed to be with the church, but this thought keeps coming in my mind)? Will I always belong in my family? Will being "gay" modify me and end up defining me, even though I do not want it to? Where exactly do I belong?

I honestly cannot answer this question and I am even more confused over this subject than ever before. I guess I will just start spilling the beans to everyone. When I am with other MoHos, I sometimes feel like I am left out. I have a great relationship with Brady and Caspian. They are the best friends anyone could have and I do not know what I would do without them! I really do not feel welcome with a lot of MoHos and that they really do not want to talk to me. It seems like something terrible has to happen to me to get some show recognition from others. Also, people carry on conversations and I sit there. I try to get involved, but I feel like I am intruding and that nobody really wants to talk to me. I should say that there are some times that are great and I feel like I belong, but this does not happen very often. Do I actually belong in the MoHo world or somewhere else?

When I am with SSGs, it does not always feel like it is right to be with them. I do have a few good friends that I can trust and do things with (they do not know that I am gay). I have fun with them. I, however, feel left out when they talk about their girlfriends or women. It does not really work out for me. It is hard to hang out with them when they talk about women a lot of the time. It just does not get me going. They do go to clubs to go dancing and I go with them, which is always fun! :) Despite some of the ups, I still feel like I do not really belong with them either.

I have a lot girl friends. I have told a couple of them that I am gay and they are very special to me. They seem to be the ones that I really get a long with and who I really belong with. I am totally comfortable with them. We joke about hot guys and who we would like to kiss. We watch movies, go to parks, play games, and have a great time, but it still leaves a void inside of me. They just do not fill me up. They also remind me of how I am not a normal guy, even though they do not intend to. Is this the group of people I am supposed to belong to?

Then this brings up the whole marrying a man or woman thing. I am not sure what I am supposed to do in this field! Frankly, it is kind of scary for me to think about either of them. I cannot marry a man because it is against church standards, but marrying a woman is going to be just as hard. Depending upon my choices, my parents may accept or reject me. This makes everything so much harder! Who and where do I belong?

I have only felt like I have ever belonged to one group in my life and that was the swim team. Everybody was really tight and we all genuinely liked each other. We would hang out all the time and we could talk about anything. I never had worry about what they thought of me (except if I told them that I was gay, I am not sure how they would take this) and I felt completely comfortable with them. It was nice to feel this sense of belonging. It seems now that I do not have it, except with a few people. I know that there is "Somewhere I Belong" and I intend to find that place.

I guess I should say that I love everybody I have met and I am glad that I am able to get to know each of you better. I have decided that the void that I am feeling is knowing that all of my closest and dearest friends are leaving me for the summer. I do not have the security blanket of these people anymore. Hopefully, I will someday find "Somewhere [where] I Belong" and not have to worry...


Scot said...

I have only felt like I have ever belonged to one group in my life and that was the swim team.

I can somewhat relate to this. Swimming was a huge part of my life through high school. I loved my team, I loved having my place as the team’s guy for a specific race, and we all got along great too. I’m still flooded with good memories at the smell of chlorine :-).

Those were good times. But a new clock starts ticking once away from high school. My best friend on the team eventually became one of my two “best” men and I was his; he has a child now and I have two. My home is now where we belong, and the pool I see most often is about 3 feet deap. Friends, groups, and causes are great, but they can too easily come and go and neither can get close enough to completely fill that nature to belong, in my experience.

I do remember feeling without direction for being gay, but I’m sure you too will inevitably find your place. I do wish those in your shoes didn’t have to contend with the split between faith and orientation. But I think, looking around the blogs, some are still in flux but those on both sides of the issue may clearly find their place, for their circumstances. Simply, I’d worry enough about rushing the search for a place that you’re doing something, but not enough to keep you up at night :-).

playasinmar said...

go get happy

The Jet said...

Don't be sad! I heart you! :P I found a long time ago that things are easier when I don't try to fit in with everyone. For some people it just works better to have a smaller circle of close friends, they don't all have to be from one group of friends either. For me it works, anyway. Also, we'll love you no matter what you choose. Be happy!

Kengo Biddles said...

We're all alone in our own heads, Gimple, and some lonliness is us making a distinction of "Us" and "Them" and some of it is just that other people tend to think ONLY of themselves.

Do like Playa said, go get happy. Do something that you enjoy with some friends, have a fun time. Focusing on problems is never productive.

Gimple said...

I guess that I should mention that these are just some of my thoughts and feelings. I haven't been moping around since finals. Moping just doesn't do justice for me. It isn't something I like and it is something I usually try to aviod. I have been hanging out with close friends who are leaving and it has been great! I'm just sad to see them leave, but I know that I will be able to make some good friends over the summer also.