Interview #1

I got invited for an interview at Ohio State! I'm so excited! It's on March 17. It's not one of my first choices, but it is school that I could definitely attend without regrets. They have a great program and great facilities... I will see what happens and if they like me during my interview. Now it's time to prepare for the interview that is a couple of months away.

I'm hoping for more interviews coming up soon, since I have my first one.

I feel like I can breath a little now...

Plans...

I've set a course out for future plans if medical school doesn't work out this year. These are my plans after I graduate in April:

1. Move to California
2. Get a biomedical/biochemistry related job (I'm already working on this one and my cousin Val Pal is setting me up with her friend who works for a biomedical company)
   
3. Gain residency in California
   
4. Expand my resume
5. Volunteer at a charity medical clinic
6. Continue coaching swimming, if possible
   
7. Take the GRE
8. Take the GRE: Biochemistry Supplement Test
9. Reapply to medical school
10. If option 9 doesn't work again, apply to graduate school and move on

I hope all of this works out, if I'm not admitted into medical school this year. Thanks for all of your support. I do appreciate it.

Top 5 Biggest Fears

1. Failure
2. Not being able to help others, especially those I care about
   
3. Hurting others, especially those I care about
   
4. Not getting into medical school
5. Losing my passion and dreams in life

Why do all of these seem to becoming true all at once? Sigh...

Future, What Future?

I am depressed about my future. I feel like I don't have one. I feel like my dreams are falling through the cracks or shattering into a million and one pieces. I just don't know what to do anymore. The interview season is almost over (2 or 3 months depending on the school) and I have yet to hear back from one medical school. It is getting beyond frustrating. I've tried really hard not to think about it, but it's all that I can think about lately. I really want to go to medical school and I feel like it is going to be the best place for me, but I guess the schools are thinking otherwise. Sigh...

I've started looking into taking the GRE and applying to graduate schools in biochemistry because I don't think I'm going to get into medical school. This is something that I don't want to do because I don't want to be in a lab my whole life. I want to be interacting with people and healing them. It looks like this isn't going to happen though. Sigh... Life is so depressing right now.

What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Should I call or email the medical schools to see about my application status?

I feel like a failure.

Amusing

I found this amusing.

http://www.clusterflock.org/2009/11/i-thirst.html

Bus...

This is what I have been feeling like for the past couple of days...


I've been thrown under the bus of life, yet again... Sigh...

Friendships

I read a post by Boskers this morning about friendship. Having friends is an interesting concept because it is different for everyone. Some people need to have as many friendships as possible, whether these friendship are close or not does not matter. Then there are others who need to have a few close friendships or a small group that they click with and always do things with. Finally, there are few who can have many acquaintances, some closer acquaintances, and a close friend or two and be happy. Note: These aren't the only categories, but more like extremes. I realize that there are mixes of these three categories that I've claimed.

As I have looked at my friendships since reading that post, I've realized that I fall into the final category. I have many acquaintances that I may occasionally do something with or talk to. I also have some closer friends that I see more often and go out to lunch with. Finally, I have a couple of close friends (I'm going to say two) that I regularly hang out with... well, kind of. Regularly for me is maybe once in a week or two. It doesn't happen very often. I have come to see myself as a lone wolf. I came to this vision of myself as I was writing my medical school essays.

As a lone wolf, I feel like I don't need friendships. I don't need people in my life. I guess that is why a lot of my friendships come and go. I makes me wonder if my friends realize this. Anyways, I digress... I am completely contempt to work, research, study, go to school, serve at the retirement home, and read a book, instead of interacting with others. There are many Friday and Saturday nights where I am in the research lab until 9 or 10 pm or I might be studying in the library. I don't crave social interaction, unless it is with my close friends (the two of them). They are the people that I miss and they fill a small void that I have inside of me. I love them dearly and would hate to have them out of my life.

So yeah, I really don't know why I am writing this. It was my stream of conscientiousness running wild. Here is a shout out to my two best friends Nile-o and Sherica. I love you both! :)

PS I hope that I didn't make any of my closer friends or acquaintances feel bad by reading this. It was just some thoughts that came out of my head. I love all my friends, even though we aren't as close as my two best friends.

Drained

I am completely drained; drained beyond comprehension. I want everything to be done. I don't want any of this anymore. I'm only getting four or five hours of sleep each night. I'm drowning in everything that I am involved in. I'm falling behind in classes, yet still holding on to good grades. I spend way too much time in the research lab, but I can't leave because I have experiments running that need my attention. I spent seven hours at a swim meet yesterday that should have only been three or less. Then the day before I had a coaches meeting that went on for three hours. I think that I've actually over-done myself this time. I am also sick of waiting for interviews. I have been questioning if I am a good applicant or not. If I am meant to go to medical school. If I can even handle medical school. These feelings have also stopped me from finishing my last four applications. Some are due the first of November and I need to finish them quickly, while others are due in the middle of November. I need to hurry and finish those. Everything is crashing down. Why can't this end? When will the madness stop?

I have a project that I should be working on at the moment that is due at eleven tonight, but I have no motivation. I haven't had time to work on it. I just want to go to bed and sleep. I feel like my purpose in life is lost. My passion is lost. I'm just going through the motions to stay afloat.

FML.

Help!

I am stuck on one of my last medical school applications because I am not sure what to write about. Here is the prompt: "What makes you special, someone who will add to the Mount Sinai community?" This prompt has given me a lot of trouble, more so than any other. This is because I need to write an essay that isn't full of cockiness and arrogance, yet at the same time I have to show that I am a unique person that will bring something to Mount Sinai Medical School. I turn this over to all of you because I am not sure what to write about and all of my friends and family say generic things to write about.

What do you think makes me special?

The Killers!

-"Spaceman" by The Killers

In honor of the killers and me gong to their concert tomorrow! I'm pretty much stoked! HUZZAH!

Awesome!

This is awesome! I want to do this sometime...

http://splashnewsonline.celebuzz.com/2009/09/video-flash-mob-madonna-tokyo.html

Engaged? Married? Gay?

I have had so many adventures in just one day! I can't believe it. Seriously... It is such a good day because of all of my adventures even though I have a lot of school work, research, work, medical school applications, and everything else going on!

The first adventure came when I ran into someone from my freshman ward. He served a mission and now he is home, obviously. This guy I for sure know is gay. My gaydar went off from the moment I met him and he continued to set it off the more that I interacted with him. My interactions with him today set it off all over again. Today he had a pastel purple shirt on (lilac) and he recently had his hair done with highlights. He was wearing tight jeans and amazing shoes (I want his shoes really bad). As we talked and caught up a little bit, he suddenly says that he has to introduce his fiance to me. I was caught really off guard! He has only been home for three months and he is already getting married! What the crap?!?! This is not right. I wanted to tell him that it's ok to be gay and accept yourself before you get into a marriage, but I held my tongue. His fiance seems really nice and innocent... I believe she is a sophomore that he met in class--making her 19 or 20. Sigh... I hope it works out for them.

My next adventure came when I ran into one of my old friends from high school. I hadn't seen her in ages and we spent some time catching up. I guess that there are some rumors going around the Timpview High School class of 2006 that I am engaged or married. Seriously... I want to know who is spreading those rumors around! hahaha! I have only had one girlfriend in my life and now she is just one of my good friends. I don't know where people are getting these things. I find it highly amusing. Then to add to this adventure, another person from my graduating class said the same thing! I heard it from two mouths and now I guess I only need a third to make the rumor to be legit. I wonder where everybody is getting it from.

My third adventure was in my Immunology class. My professor was talking about "promiscuous" MHCs and she said a lot of things that could be taken the wrong way. The whole time I was stifling laughs. She had no idea what she was saying. Then out of the blue, a really annoying kid in the back of the class says, "Do you think that MHC II DM knocks up MHC Class II?" because she kind of said something similar. Everybody got a good chuckle out of that joke and then she was watching what she was saying for the rest of time. It was a let down... oh well, such is life sometimes.

My last adventure, so far, was with the guy who stares as me on campus. I saw him yet again today. Well, I did see him yesterday too. He was definitely staring at me and so instead of ignoring him this time, I stared right back. I think I freaked him out because he quickly stopped staring. He then quickly packed his bag and then left. My guess is that he doesn't read my blog, that he is gay, and that he is my secret admirer/stalker... I'll have to see if he stays on the same route as me and continue to stare.

That's about it for right now. I may post a few more adventures if they come up today because toady is an adventurous day!

I kind of feel like Dora the Explorer for say that...

Person I See A Lot...

Dear person that I see a lot on campus who I see staring at me:

If you are reading this blog and recognize me, just come up to me and say hi. I promise I won't be freaked out in the least bit. I see you on campus probably three or four times a week and you are always staring at me. My guess is that you are family, read my blogs, and recognize me from my picture in my profile and the pictures I have posted of myself on all of my blogs. I have never had the guts to go up to you and ask you if you read my blog because what if I am mistaken or what if I freak you out? I don't want to deal with that. I hate drama. On top of that, I'm not sure if you are out of the closet and what if I "out" you and push you further into the closet? I would hate to do that. This goes out to you, person that I see a lot on campus who I see staring at me, I would like you to at least say hi to me and tell me that you read my blogs (this goes out there to anyone who reads my blogs and sees me on campus or around the town). That way I know that you aren't some creepy guy staring at me.

Sincerely,
Sean

PS If I am with people, please don't come up to me. I'm not out to everyone so I don't want to be outed either (this goes for people that see me from around town too). This shouldn't happen very often because I am usually walking alone when I see you.

Celebration

-"Celebration" by Madonna

I so wish I could have been part of this music video! Too bad I don't live in Milan... sigh... Love me some Madonna!

Random Quote

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
-Paulo Coelho

I came across this quote today and thought I'd share it with everyone because it is so true! When people tell me that there is no way that I can do something, I want to show them up and show them that it can be done. I know that I do this all the time in my life and will probably continue to do it. I wonder if it is because of my competitive spirit.... Does this happen to anyone else?

Everything Is Gonna Be Okay

Amazingly pure and simple... Love it!

Which One?

So here are some very rough drafts of what I would write about if I chose Crohn's or being gay/Mormon for my writing topic. I have been getting a mixed response so I thought that I would write what has been going through my mind and let you guys tell me what you think. Here they are...

"Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

I briefly mentioned that I have Crohn’s Disease in my personal statement. There have been many obstacles that I have had to face in learning how to deal with Crohn’s. When I was first diagnosed, I was completely debilitated. I could barely move because of how much pain I was in. Every morning was a struggle to get up, but I would somehow find the will to get up and go to school and work. I was not willing to give up on life because I was sick; I still wanted to live life to the fullest. The only way that I did not make it to school and work was when the doctor hospitalized me or ordered me to stay home. The semester when I was diagnosed was one of my hardest semesters in my college career because I had a hard time concentrating due to the pain that I was in. I also could have given up on my classes because I missed about a third of the lectures. Despite the challenges of not being able to concentrate and missing a lot of lectures, that semester was actually one of my best and I made the Dean’s List. After a year of my diagnosis, I started to become healthier and my Crohn’s was no longer active. This is because I learned how to deal with my disease. I had to learn to watch what I eat, be careful not to have high stress levels, not exercise with too high of an intensity, and pay more attention to my body. Even though my Crohn’s is currently in remission, I still have to watch what I eat and do. I have had to change my life according to my disease. It is a constant struggle, but I have dealt with it and will continue to deal with it. I will not give up on my life and goals because I have Crohn’s disease.

"Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

At a young age, I discovered that I was different from most boys. I did not fully understand why I was different, but I knew that I was different. At the age of twelve, I discovered why I was different; I discovered that I was attracted to men. This discovery was hard on me and I felt that I did not belong, especially because I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). Growing up gay in the LDS Church was a difficult one. I never felt welcome and that God hated me. I could not tell anyone for fear of being ridiculed and kicked out of the Church. My high school years were full of pain and loneliness. I was not sure who I was and where I was going. I also had nobody to help me through this difficult time in my life. I did know that I wanted to be a doctor because the medical classes in my high school were one of my only sanctuaries. At this time, I could have easily given up on life and accepted a mediocre life. I, however, had other goals and dreams. I wanted to create the best life that I could have and help others have better lives. When I entered college, I learned to accept myself for who I am and my confidence grew when I made friends and succeeded in my classes. As my confidence grew, I learned that I had a power to help others in need, that I could excel in almost anything I tried, and that life was not meant to be full of pain. These lessons helped me become the person that I am today and has given me the desire to work to help others because I know what it feels like to be alone and like nobody cares about you.

Pressing Question

I have a pressing question for you all and would love your feedback on it. In my secondary applications for medical school there has been a particular question that keeps coming up that I need to write about or just say that it doesn't apply to me. I think it would be best to write something, but what I want to write about isn't the most conventional topic.

Here is the question or something similar: "Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

I want to write about being gay and Mormon, but I don't know if this is going to be too much or if I should come up with another topic. This is the only topic that I can really think of though.

I ask all of you, should I write about it or no?

In other news, when I sat down at a table in the library, the guy on the other side looked me up and down and stared at me for a couple of minutes. It was really awkward, yet flattering at the same time. I'm pretty sure he's family.

Mr. T's Fashion Advice

The title says it all! hahaha!

Take it away Xena and Zena!

Bus Ride Fail

This is so funny! I just about died laughing!

Jordanelle Triathlon!

Yesterday, I competed in the Jordanelle Olympic Triathlon and it was pretty much amazing! I absolutely LOVED it! It was definitely one of the hardest things that I have ever done in under three hours, but so worth it. For those of you who don't know, it is a 1K Swim, a 40K Bike, and a 10K Run. I did that just under 3 hours with a time of 2:58.15. I was hoping to be under 3 hours and I accomplished my goal. I placed 8th in the 20-24 age group, 93rd out of the men, and 135 overall. I'm pretty proud of my accomplishment. I was also one of the first people out of the water (only about a minute behind the leader). It is something that I definitely want to do again or possibly an Ironman. I've always wanted to do an Ironman, but I know that I won't have much time in medical school and after that so it will have to be in the next year. We'll see if that happens. Here are some pictures of me competing...

Confession...

So I haven't posted anything real in awhile. It's probably because I've been terribly busy, sick, and kind of depressed... I get that way when I've got nothing to do (when I was sick and now since I finished school for the summer). When I am lonely and depressed, I am a shopper. I just bought a new pair of jeans, a leather coat, two pairs of underwear, and some stuff for my computer. For some reason, shopping is very therapeutic for me and it makes me feel better. So I am going to admit something right now... Hello, my name is Sean and I am an emotional shopper (it's like those people who eat when they are sad).

Anyways, I'll get to a real post in a little bit. I've got somethings that I need to get off my chest, but first I need to talk to my grandma about them.

Humanthesizer

One word... AWESOME!

Alcoholic Vervet Monkeys!

This is hilarious! DRUNKEN MONKEYS! I hope you enjoy it! :)

400 Free Relay

This is the 400 Free Relay that I also competed in last week. This was an awesome race and close until the very end. I was the last swimmer to swim and as you can see, I was behind and caught up to out-touch the guy next to me! This was so much fun! :)

200 Free Relay

This is the 200 Free Relay that I competed in last week, when I was semi-healthier than I am now. I'm the last one to go... Enjoy! :)

Spinal Headaches Suck!

So I found out that I don't have the swine flu. I don't have any other kind of flu. I don't have bronchitis. I don't have strep. I don't have meningitis. I also don't have a whole other slew of diseases that the doctors in the ER tested me for. In fact, they have no idea what is causing me to be sick. The doctors did a culture sample of my of my body fluids to see if anything bacterial is growing or anything at all. This will then give them some idea of what is causing me to be sick. In the meantime, I'm on strong antibiotics and bedridden... yay! The worst part is that I get headaches that aren't headaches. Well, they are but they travel down my whole spine. They are called spinal headaches and they are so debilitating! ugh! They hurt really bad causing my whole body to hurt (there is no comfortable position when I have them). I've never had a migraine before, but I think that spinal headaches are ten times worse! ugh! double ugh! Oh well, I hope that the doctors can give me some good news tomorrow or else you might see me on an episode of House or Mystery Diagnosis!

Swine Flu

I just might have the swine flu... ugh! I'm going to the doctor today to find out if I do or not, but whatever I've had sucks a lemon hard! Even better news, I've read that the nation/world is out of Tamiflu so the only treatment they have for me is staying at home away from everybody for two weeks... FML

Time To Compete!

Well, I'm starting to compete in swimming again... My head coach of the swim team where I work decided to sign me up for state next weekend because they need more senior boys to compete. I have been working out for my triathlon training, but I definitely have not been working on sprinting. I have started working on my sprints and I'm feeling ok. I know that I will get better on my sprints in the next week and a half. I have to be ready by then!

I know that I said that I would never compete again after I was cut from the BYU swim team, but competitive swimming is like the call of the sirens to me. I can't resist it. My head coach told me that I didn't have to compete if I didn't want to (I should have said that I didn't want to according to my mom and dad), but I couldn't help it. I HAD to say yes! I love swimming and actually competing way too much! The thing that I am most excited for is the relays. Those were always my favorite. I loved knowing that your team depended on you and that it was up to you to win the race. Albeit, I will not be swimming the anchor leg of the relay (which made me sad), but I requested to be on the back half of the freestlye relays (I have to go first on the medley relay since I'm the backstroker). I can't wait to get in the water and compete!

Meet Andy...

Meet Andy/Andrew McMahon...

He is the lead singer of Jack's Mannequin and Something Corporate...

This is him playing the piano...

He is an amazing singer, songwriter, and pianist...

He is my celebrity crush right now...

I met him last night...

I was able to chat with him for a while, get his autograph, and a hug from him!

It was a good night! :)

Did I mention that he also survived acute lymphoblastic leukemia?

Good News

I know that some of you know this and some of you don't, but I thought I'd tell everybody about it.

I am head coach of Timpview Swim Team!

I am so EXCITED!!!!!! I've been looking forward to becoming head coach for a very long time and now that it's official, I almost can't believe it! It is going to be a good year and I hate some really good plans. I also have some great captains that are going to do an amazing job. It is going to be so much fun! I'm hoping that I can push the girls so that we can get another state championship! That would be truly amazing! This next year is going to be good!

PS I really want to go dancing but I don't have the time... Anyone want to go when I have time?

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

This is my new favorite band! Enjoy and check out their blog.

Personal Statement... Please Vote!

Here are two drafts of my personal statement for my application. Please vote on which one you like better. They are very similar, but they are structured differently. Thanks everyone! :)

Choice #1

I almost died at the age of ten. The first night of spring break I became very sick. My parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. Later, I started throwing up and all my symptoms became worse so my parents took me to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and did not have enough time to perform mine. The on-call surgeon refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. The doctors could not find anyone to operate. The hospital called other hospitals to see if anyone would operate on me. In the meantime, my condition was worsening. Finally, a surgeon agreed to help, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. He was about to end his shift, but he agreed to wait for me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because he waited for me and saved my life. More importantly, he taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.

Recently, my old gastroenterologist did not treat me how I want to be treated and I suffered. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. My doctor performed test after test on me and thought my Crohn’s was in remission even though I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I was making everything up. After that accusation, we changed doctors. The new doctor performed the same tests and found similar results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. He promised me that he would continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much healthier and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because he treats me how I want to be treated.

When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, the best care, and therefore the best doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and concerned for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

All throughout my life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with people of all ages. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I work with them and I want them to succeed. This attitude is carried over when I am volunteering for Timpview High School swim team. I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. Also, I am able to help them in personal aspects of their lives. They know that I am there to help them. I give the same treatment when I am helping customers in Poco Loco Swim Shop. As manager and store clerk, my job is to try to make the customer satisfied so that they will return in the future, and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am there to assist them. Finally, volunteering at the retirement home, I spend hours listening to the elderly. I hear their life stories and see the happiness on their faces when I show interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing the joy on their faces in performing a simple activity with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice.

We need more doctors go the extra mile and treat others with the best care, which is why I want to become a doctor. I have personally felt the effect of two doctors who have gone the extra mile to help me and treat me. From their care and examples, I have been emulating them and treating others how I want to be treated. I have seen profound effects from doing this. I know that I can help many people by becoming the best doctor and treating people with the best care.

Choice #2

When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, the best care, and therefore the best doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and concerned for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

Treating others how I wanted to be treated has been a big part of my life since my first interaction with an ER surgeon. I almost died at the age of ten. The first night of spring break I became very sick. My parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. Later, I started throwing up and all my symptoms became worse so my parents took me to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and did not have enough time to perform mine. The on-call surgeon refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. The doctors could not find anyone to operate. The hospital called other hospitals to see if anyone would operate on me. In the meantime, my condition was worsening. Finally, a surgeon agreed to help, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. He was about to end his shift, but he agreed to wait for me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because he waited for me and saved my life. More importantly, he taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.

Recently, my old gastroenterologist did not treat me how I want to be treated and I suffered. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. My doctor performed test after test on me and thought my Crohn’s was in remission even though I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I was making everything up. After that accusation, we changed doctors. The new doctor performed the same tests and found similar results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. He promised me that he would continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much healthier and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because he treats me how I want to be treated.

All throughout my life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with people of all ages. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I work with them and I want them to succeed. This attitude is carried over when I am volunteering for Timpview High School swim team. I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. I am also able to help them in personal aspects of their life. They know that I am there to aid them. I give the same treatment when I am helping customers in Poco Loco Swim Shop. As manager and store clerk, my job is to try to make the customer satisfied so that they will return in the future, and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am there to assist them. Finally, volunteering at the retirement home, I spend hours listening to the elderly. I hear their life stories and see the happiness on their faces when I show interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing the joy on their faces in performing a simple activity with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice.

We need more doctors go the extra mile and treat others with the best care, which is why I want to become a doctor. I have personally felt the effect of two doctors who have gone the extra mile to help me and treat me. From their care and examples, I have been emulating them and treating others how I want to be treated. I have seen profound effects from doing this. I know that I can help many people by becoming the best doctor and treating people with the best care.

Personal Statement

This is my rough draft personal statement for my medical school application. Let me know what you think of it.

At the age of ten, I came close to dying. The first night of spring break I became very sick. Parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. I later started throwing up and all of my symptoms became worse. After a day of being sick and the pain getting worse, my parents decided to take me into the hospital. I had a series of tests performed and the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and he did not have enough time to perform mine. The doctors called the on-call surgeon, but he refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. There was not anybody who the doctors could find to perform the surgery. The hospital then started calling other hospitals to see if anyone would perform it on me. In the meantime, I was getting much worse. Finally, someone agreed to perform the surgery on me, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. This surgeon was about to end his shift and he agreed to wait and operate on me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because of how he treated me.

This surgeon is in contrast to my old gastroenterologist. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. He performed test after test on me and he thought I was completely fine but I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I probably was making up all of my problems. At that moment, we decided to change doctors. When I went to the new doctor, he believed everything that I said. He performed the same tests on me and found the same results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. This doctor was willing to continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed me new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much better and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because of how he treats me.

These two doctors taught me to treat others how I want to be treated. When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, care, and doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and full of concern for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

Treating others how I wanted to be treated has been a big part of my life since that first interaction with the surgeon. All throughout elementary school, high school, college, jobs, and everyday life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with children, teenagers, adults, and the elderly. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I am willing to work with them and I want them to succeed. In my time volunteering with Timpview High School, I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. I have also been more than willing to help them in many aspects of their life besides swimming. They know that I am there for them and that they only need to ask for my help. The same treatment is given when I am helping adults in Poco Loco Swim Shop. My job as manager and store clerk is to try to get the customer to return and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am more than willing to help them. Finally, in volunteering at the retirement home, I have spent hours listening to the elderly. I have heard their life stories and have seen the happiness on their faces when I have shown interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing their joy in doing such a simple task with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice as well. I believe that we need more doctors like this and this is why I want to become a doctor.

Man In The Mirror

-"Man In The Mirror" by Michael Jackson

I have been listening to all of MJ's CD since yesterday and I have forgotten how much I love this song! It is always over shadowed by "Bad," "Beat It," "Thriller," and the likes.

RIP King of Pop! I love and will miss you!

Lesbians Think I'm Cute

Here is an adventure that I had recently. I went out dancing to have a good time with some friends and there was a lesbian couple who came up to me. They told me that I was cute and a cute dancer. They then smacked my butt which then caused them to comment on how small and cute it was. They then asked me to join them in their dancing. I did and it was fun! Lesbians are fun and enjoyable! :)

The Score Is In...

The score is in... I actually got it on the 2nd... I haven't had time to post my score because I have been CELEBRATING! :) I met my goal of a 35 and got a 36! I'm so stoked! I can't really even describe all of the feelings I'm feeling right now. It is just amazing! I DID IT!

For those of you who don't know, the MCAT is graded out of 45 and on a curve. The average of the test is 24 and the average of getting into medical school is about a 30. Getting a 33 on the test puts you in the 90th percentile of those who took the test and get a 36 puts me in about the 95th-96th percentile! I'm way excited with my score! All of my hard work paid off and I can go to a lot of good schools and hopefully receive some scholarship money! All that I have to do is finish all of my applications and get them in. I'm hoping to get all of them in by the end of July. Then it's waiting for interviews and then acceptance letters. It's an exciting time in my life right now and a great adventure! I'm on the road to fulfilling what I believe my purpose here in life is.

Thanks everyone for you support! :)

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow might be the big day that I get my MCAT scores back! The projected release date is tomorrow so we'll see if they actually send it out tomorrow or not. I'm excited and will let you all know how it goes.

Camille = Amazing! :)

Here is Camille's report for the BYU news for the marriage equality rally the other day for the BYU News. I'm surprised that they aired it! Way to go Camille! :)

"I Need The Missionaries"

I was just in a study group in the MARB working on a project when all of the sudden a man came in yelling, "I need the missionaries RIGHT NOW!" I was really surprised and thought he was kind of crazy, but I started talking to him to find out why he needed the missionaries. He told me that he was hard of hearing and came all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to see the missionaries. I was surprised that he came out here. I told him that there were probably missionaries out there that he could have met with. He believed them to be "stupid" because they were not at a college and he wanted the "smartest" ones. I showed him where their office was and we knocked. Nobody was there. He started freaking out and I found a note on the door that had their numbers.

I called the Elders, but a Sister answered the phone... maybe they got their numbers mixed up when they wrote it down the paper (I don't know). I talked with the nice Sister and told her the man's story. He wanted to meet with them as soon as possible because he needed them. She told me that she and her companion could meet with him at 11 today. He was really excited. I have never seen someone so excited in my whole life. He looked like he won a million dollars. The Sisters asked for my name and number which I gave them and they politely thanked me for doing what I did. We then got off the phone. He then asked what time it was. I told him it was about 9:30 and that he had a couple of hours to kill. He seemed kind of defeated. I told him that it will be here a lot sooner than he thinks and that he could walk around campus while he was waiting. He decided to do this. I went back to my study group and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

It amazes me that he had the drive and courage to come out here from Nebraska because he wanted to meet with the "smartest" missionaries. He has to have a lot of faith to come out here on a whim to probably join the LDS Church. It makes me wonder where mine has gone. I used to fully believe in the LDS Church, but as of late, I have been losing parts of my beliefs. I believe in God and in Jesus. I believe in many of their teachings and morals. There are things, however, that I am having trouble reconciling.

Life is interesting and I love the random people I meet because they teach me new concepts everyday. This man who is hard of hearing and who traveled across the nation taught me today that you can never have too much faith in God. In fact, he taught me that you can never have enough.

PS I ran into two of my readers that I know from my younger years/junior high/high school last night. It was great! This is a shout out to Camille and Drew!

Quote of the Day

"We think that when we are driven out of the usual path, everything is over for us; but it is just here that the new and the good begins. As long as there is life there is happiness. There is much, much before us!"
-Tolstoy

This was the quote of the day in my gmail account that sometimes pops up in the little "sponsored link" box. I thought it was good and would share it with everyone.

Now I'd like to know your thoughts on it and then I'll share mine... :)

The Lost Little Duckling

As I was walking up to school today. I saw a little duckling that seemed to be lost from the rest of its family. My heart yearned to help it, but I knew that me helping it would do more harm than good. I didn't want to "taint" the duck with my touch (I've heard if you touch baby ducks or birds their parents no longer accept them). I took a picture and left it there. I hope it finds its mommy really soon.

Seeing this little duckling reminded me of my best friend Aaron. Recently, he found out that I was gay. Well, it was more that I've been hinting it to him for a very long time hoping that he would be ok with it once I told him. My other best friend Natalie (formerly known as Galadriel) decided to talk to him about Proposition 8 because she heard that we were in disagreement with it. She wanted to help him see my point of view and help him understand it a little bit better. Aaron then turned on her and asked he flat out if I was gay or not. She told him that he'd have to talk to me about it, but he was very persistent and she cracked. I was completely fine with her telling him. I've been meaning to tell him for some time, but the timing has never been right. I guess that I found out why. She told him on Thursday. He kind of freaked out, but he seemed ok about it. He talked to his parents about it and they told him their thoughts about the subject. They also told him that whatever he did that he should not stop being my friend (I was very grateful for their advice to him). We then subsequently talked on Saturday.

As we were talking, Aaron didn't seem like the same person around me. He seemed very tense and very uncomfortable. He asked me a few questions about if I have acted on it and was hinting at if I thought he was attractive so I told him that he was. He was freaked out by that comment, but I told him that he was my little brother/best friend and that I didn't have feeling for him and that I wasn't checking him out. Aaron then seemed to be ok about. He still seemed like a deer in the headlights, but I thought things were going to get better. Aaron told me not to talk to him about it for awhile so that he could process some things.

On Sunday, we went to see Natalie speak. I picked him up and I could feel the tension in the air. I gave him a note that I wrote him expressing some thoughts that I will talk about in a minute and we left for her church. As we were waiting, there was a significant lack of comradeship that we once had. There was no joking, laughing, and talking. It was all serious. I could feel that he was still uncomfortable with me but I didn't want to say anything that might freak him out. I sat there and pretended as if nothing was going on. On the way home, I tried to spark some general conversation the talks we heard, but it was still very limited and tense. I dropped him off and told him goodbye.

Next came Monday morning. We went swimming together like we do on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It seemed really tense again. I could feel his uncomfortableness seeping through his smile and see it in his eyes. It could have been the fact that he was nearly naked around me and thought I was checking him, but I'm not sure. I felt really bad for Aaron. Despite feeling bad for him, I always was really frustrated with him and Natalie for telling him at the wrong moment. After we swam together and showered, we parted and went our separate ways. I broke down in the car and was on the verge of tears the whole way to school and for the next hour. I wrote Natalie a nasty email, which I really regret and apologized profusely over. Then I started to calm down and feel a little bit better.

As I have done a lot of thinking and writing, I have to realize that Aaron is brand new to his whole subject. He has never dealt with it before and it makes it even harder when it is with his one of his best friends, someone he looks up to for guidance in life, and some he considers a spiritual giant and leader. I know that in some way he feels like I have let him down. I also feel like I let him down. I feel really bad and wish I could change it, but I can't. I am no longer the perfect Sean that he thought he knew. He sees me in a completely new light. Some of that Sean was a lie, but most parts of that Sean were the real me. I think that he needs to understand this, which will then help our friendship come back together. As of right now, however, it's very easy to get frustrated with him, especially since every friend that acts like this after I have told them have stopped being my friends after a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that Aaron will be different from these other friends and eventually see me as the same old Sean. He's a great guy and I love him a lot. He just seems lost and confused like the little duckling that I saw this morning. I'll just have to see how this all pans out and hopefully he'll make it back to me as a friend.

To end with some good news, this morning was so much better! It made me really happy. I could still feel like he was a little bit uncomfortable around me but it was as overt as it has been or his has gotten a lot better at hiding his uncomfortableness. We were talking and joking. It started to feel like things were back to normal. I think this was a big improvement for him, but he probably still has a lot to think about and come to terms with. I'll keep waiting for him to come to me or Natalie with questions. I don't want to push him.

Driven

This week has been a very interesting week for me. It has been filled with a lot of ups and downs that I haven't experienced in a very long time. The good news, however, is that things are definitely looking up again and life is pretty much amazing! :)

I guess it started on Monday. I got up early and went swimming with my best bud Aaron. Then my day was full of studying for my Immunology test on Tuesday. It was an ok day until later in the evening. I get a response from an email that I sent to a guy I was crushing on and who was in turn crushing back on me. It basically said what a lot of people tell me. It is something that I don't completely understand. He told me that he liked a lot about me, but his heart was telling him to go somewhere else. This was due to the fact that I was too driven and that it just wouldn't work out with us because of that. I then sent him an email telling him that I started to get that impression and that it would probably just be better to be friends anyways. He agreed and now we are just good friends. I'm not sure if this relationship would have gone anywhere in the first place, but it kind of made my night a little worse.

I then took my test on Tuesday and totally rocked it (I only missed one so close yet so far from perfection)! Then I started thinking about what the guy said to me about how driven I was. I realized that I am completely driven. I know what I want in life and I know what I have to do to get it. This then put a damper on a good day. I went about my normal business on Tuesday with me being so driven in the back of my head. Thoughts were flying everywhere about what people have said to me in the past about my drive. People have told me that I don't make time for them. People tell me that they are afraid of my goals and dreams. People have said that they are jealous of my drive and passions, but could never do or want it themselves. People have also told me that I need to back off and be more relaxed about life. I've also had one person tell me that I could never be in a long lasting relationship because of my drive since my love and life is my drive. There are a lot of other things that have also been said but they are generally all of the same context. All of this brought me down to a low that I haven't been in a very long time.

Wednesday came and I went swimming again with my two best friends. That made me feel better but they could tell something was wrong with me. I just pushed it off telling them that I was tired and didn't get enough sleep last night. They left it at that and we went out to breakfast before I had to head to class. I went to class and learned that I set the curve on the test and that made me feel a little better, but I was still down. I had a lunch date with a girl that I've been going out with for awhile that kind of brought up my mood. We were chatting over lunch and having a good time when she brought up the topic of the relationship's progression. She basically told me the same thing as the guy said. I was too driven and that we should probably just be friends! UGH! This made my week even worse. Everything has been toppling down. Wednesday night I decided to not to do anything except stay at home. I watched LOST and loved it and then read a lot from Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (I love Dickens and that book). That made my night a little bit better. I then had a friend give me call and we chatted for awhile. She was wonderful and so helpful.

Then Thursday came around and it was a really good day. Everything in lab went perfectly. I went out to lunch with some good friends. I got everything done that I needed to at work. My old crush visited me at work and we had a great chat over chips and guacamole salsa. My mom made my favorite meal for dinner. I also read some more from Great Expectations. Everything was looking and getting better. I started feeling good about everything again. Then I get a text to go out and play glow in the dark ultimate frisbee. That was exactly what I needed to get my spirits back up and fully recharged. I saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen a very long time there and had a blast with them. I also met a lot of new people. We played for two hours and our team won by a point! It was a blast and a half and I totally enjoyed it. I then went to bed and woke up this morning to go swimming with my best buds.

Tonight I have either dancing or hanging out with a good friend tonight--I'm not sure which one yet. Then I'm hanging out with a lot of my close friends over the weekend. I'm pretty much stoked. I'm feeling myself once again and I'm feeling "21 and Invincible" again. I still have the question in the back of my mind if I am too driven. That's the person who I've always been and I really don't want to change that aspect about myself because I love that aspect about myself.

Anyways, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I'm still curious about it. What do you all think? Am I too driven?

21 and Invincible

"21 and Invincible" by Something Corporate

I love this song and sometimes I feel like I am 21 and invincible.

Revolver

"Revolver" by Madonna

This song sounds amazing! I'm freaking excited for her new Greatest Hits album to come out and some of the new songs that she is putting on it! It is going to be fabulous!

The Gayface

This is an interesting article I read today and thought I would share it with you all. Enjoy! :)

If William Shakespeare were alive today, a couple of things would be certain. Gawker commenters would be linking his name with gossip-column blind items ("What married wordsmith was seen canoodling with another man at The Box?"). And Perez Hilton would be scrawling pearl necklaces onto his paparazzi shots. Not just because of his famously homoerotic sonnets but because Shakespeare seems to have had—let's be blunt here—a serious case of gayface.

We have this from no less an authority than the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust, in Stratford-Upon-Avon, England, which in March unveiled a newly discovered portrait some historians think might be of the Bard. "This Shakespeare is handsome and glamorous, so how does this change the way we think about him . . . and his sexuality?" wondered a statement from the trust to the press. In other words: "Gayface!" (the new way of saying "Dude looks totally gay!"). Which suggests that the contemporary compulsion to pin down sexual identity has no limits, not even the grave. Because somehow it's important to us to think we "can just tell" that even guys who have been dead for 400 years were gay.

Outing historical creative figures might be the only reliably entertaining social sport we've got left. A gay rumor about the deceased is a gossip gift that keeps on giving, especially now that living celebrities have pretty much sucked all the fun out of our collective speculation, since they tend to semi-casually wander out of the closet when the sexual-orientation rumor mill heats up (see: Neil Patrick Harris, T.R. Knight, Lance Bass).

The Bard is a rather obvious magnet for gay rumors—and not just because he wore tights and was in the theater. There is the matter of his queer circle, says London gay-culture historian Rictor Norton: "If Shakespeare was as good-looking as this portrait demonstrates, then it is easy to see why he attracted the attention of his first patron, Henry Wriothesley, third Earl of Southampton"—a reputed dabbler in manly hookups. But, Norton adds, "we should not read the subject of the portrait as gay because of a certain softness about the eyes or whatever."

Or wait—maybe we should. "It appears that Shakespeare's eyebrows are higher here than in others of his portraits," says Nicholas Rule, a researcher at Tufts University's Interpersonal Perception & Communication Lab. "Women have a greater distance between their eyes and brows than men do"—and on a guy, those lofty brows might be subconsciously perceived as "gay." (Quick, somebody measure Ryan Seacrest's brow rise!) Rule adds that "the corners of his mouth are not turned down, as in some other portraits of him, which gives the hint of a smile." And subtly smiley portraits—think the Mona Lisa—suggest femininity. (Attention Zac Efron: Wipe that sly grin off your face!) Factor in Shakespeare's lace collar, and Jack Bauer he's not.

Rule confesses that his own gaydar is jammed when it comes to what might be Shakespeare's "new" portrait but notes, "Our research suggests that sexual orientation is processed automatically." In fact, last year Rule and Tufts psychology professor Nalini Ambady were surprised to discover that gayface may be a reliable indicator. They recorded the reactions of Tufts students to a sample of 90 male faces culled from online personals—half gay, half straight—and found that 70 percent of the time, people guessed right. Even when shown the images for as little as 33 milliseconds.

"In our studies we have not yet found full agreement for the sexual orientation of any one person," Rule cautions. In other words, someone always gets it wrong. Of course, we can hold out hope that Hollywood will get it right when casting a gayfaced actor to play Queer Shakespeare in the biopic. Hey, Chace Crawford? Gus Van Sant is on the line.

So what do you all think? Is this a myth or do you think it is a possibility?

It's Over!

My test is over! I am so happy and so excited at the same time. A lot has happened since I took my test on Saturday. I have so many good stories! I love being free for the moment.

Let's talk about my test. It was very difficult. It was harder than the practice tests that I took, but I still felt like I did really well. On the physical science section, I finished the last section with only a minute left when I usually finished with ten or more minutes left on the practice tests. I felt like this section was a lot harder than the practice test and I was sad that I couldn't go back and check my answers like I normally have time to do. I hope that I did well on it compared to the rest of the nation. Then came the verbal reasoning section. This section is definitely my crux. I usually feel like I always do well on it. The scores, however, sometimes say the opposite. I felt really good about it so I'm hoping that it transfers over into a good score too. Next came the writing section. I felt pretty good about both of my essays, but I really didn't have time to proofread them since I finished them with only one or two minutes left. Last came the biological science section. This section felt amazing! I felt really good about. It was definitely more difficult than the practice tests that I took, but I finished early and was able to go back to check answers. I think that this section went well. Overall, I feel great about my test. It was hard and I know that I put forth the time and the effort to get a good score on it. I feel confident that I did well. Now, it's just a matter of waiting a month until I receive my scores.

After my test on Saturday, I talked with a lot of friends and family for a couple hours and then hit a place for dinner. I was sitting alone, but I really didn't care because I felt like I was on top of the world. I then went back to my hotel to get ready for the evening. I was supposed to go out with a friend, but she ended up being sick and couldn't go out. I sat in my apartment debating whether or not to go clubbing. I eventually decided to go clubbing. It was pretty much amazing! I met some really cool and good looking guys and girls at the club. We stayed there until it closed at 3 and then went to Denny's for some dinner/breakfast. We were there until about 5 and then we all headed to my hotel and crashed. It was fun. We fit five people into a king size bed--some of them drunk, others sober. It was hilarious. We then got up at 7 because my flight left at 9. We said our goodbyes to each other and they told me that I need to come up and visit again, which I plan on doing! :)

I came home and had a pretty relaxing Sabbath--I was running on two hours of sleep... awesome! My whole extended family came over for a break the fast dinner. It was a lot of fun and it was amazing to feel their love and support for me. We talked about a lot of things and played some card games. I just love my family, their support, and their company. It was great! Then yesterday I went out with some of my besties! I haven't seen them in about two months and I missed them terribly. We went out to dinner and then I went laser tagging with their family. I was catwoman and totally wasted their whole family! It was a blast and then we all went to see the new X-Men movie. Life has been so good lately and I absolutely love it! I can't wait to continue with this new found freedom and enjoy life to the fullest for awhile! I'm excited because I've got 80's dancing planned for this Thursday and then I'm going clubbing on Saturday! Life is good!

I just want to say thanks to everyone out there who prayed for me, fasted for me, sent good luck wishes, and any support! You are all amazing and I love you to death! Thanks for being my friends! :)

The Final Countdown

It's the final countdown...

The MCAT is this Saturday! I only have 5 days left! I can't even explain how I am feeling right now, but I guess I'll try. It's a mixture of excitement, anxiety, confidence, fear, happiness, stress, and basically every emotion that I have ever felt in my life. This test is going to determine where I end up living for the next couple years of my life, what kind of school I'm going to be going to, and what kind of career I'm going to have. It's going to be sweet! I've dedicated the past 5 months to hardcore studying. There have been many long days and nights in the library where I have studies pretty much all day and there are only a few more long days of studying left! I feel ready and I hope all of my preparation will all pay off (my goal score is a 35). Anyways, I'd appreciate it if you all kept me in your thoughts and prayers this week and especially on Saturday between the hours of 12-5 pm MST.

Time

As Madonna says, "Time goes by so slowly" and at the same time, "I've only got four minutes to save the world..."

This, however, doesn't seen to be happening to me right now. It's going way too fast and those four minutes are coming to an end faster than I want! There's so little time, yet so much to do! Holy crapola! Where has all the time gone? I finished the semester yesterday and I'm officially a senior, even though I have technically been a senior since my sophomore year. I only have one year of college left! I'm kind of freaking out about that. I'm going to be applying to medical schools this up and coming month. I'm going to be working very hard on publishing a paper this summer. There is so much to do! I also have my MCAT in about a week and half (wish me luck)! It's crazy, psycho, and really exciting all at once. All that I can think is WOW! My life has come and gone and continues to come and go.

I look back to my freshman year here at BYU and in three short, yet long years, I have become a man. I feel like I am no longer the little boy who started college. The one who was nervous, scared, yet confident at the same time. That confidence has grown more and more as I have come out and become comfortable with who I am. No longer am I scared to be proud of who I am. No longer am I scared to show everybody my smarts, my skills, my passions, and basically everything about me. (On a side note, I ran into a bunch of old friends from high school and they didn't recognize me. They told me that I have changed so much and I'm very happy about that.) I am who I am and if people don't like me, that's their own fault. For instance, I wore my Madonna shirt to a final the other day and everybody just looked at me like I was insane and some started laughing. I told them not to judge and that Madonna is amazing. They all got serious and quiet. It was amazing! I also wore my "I heart, heart, heart, polygamy" shirt yesterday. I had some people give me crazy looks, but others thought it was amazing! I even had one of my favorite professors tell me that she wished she had the confidence to wear that shirt on campus. It was pretty much amazing! I have finally found who I am and I am extremely happy!

I love being me! I love my life! I love who I am! I can't wait to get into the real world and show the world who I am and what I can do! I can't wait to accomplish my goals and purpose in life! There is so much good I can do in my life and it's about that time to start happening! I can't wait to save lives! I can't wait to change the world! It's my time and I'm ready for the challenge!

As I look at my time here at BYU, I know I wouldn't have become the person that I am today without actually being here at BYU. I'm pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I know a lot of people regret coming to BYU because they came out to themselves here and couldn't be their true selves, but I feel the opposite. I feel like my experience here has let me become my true self. It has helped me gain a sense of who I am and what I want to do with my life. Also, thanks to Michael, I was able to stand up for something that I truly believed in. BYU has been great for me, even though I have hated it at times. It has also reinforced some of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of college.

My path is still opened to me and I am taking it with confidence and one step at a time.

PS I love this website! It makes my life a little bit better everyday. (Thanks Camille for introducing me to it!)

Sad Story

Today has been a day of highs and lows. I first felt amazing with my grade on my physiology final and then when I was studying, I felt perfectly fine. I felt like I really needed to go the retirement center, where I volunteer at least one a week, today. I wasn't planning on going, but I know that it was worth it--even though I feel like crap after going.

Today, I met a brand new lady who just moved into the center. I'll call her Lucille. As, I was waiting to help out with the activity. She walked past the room I'm sitting in three times bawling her eyes out. After the third pass, I walked up to her and started talking to her. At first, she was very standoffish because she thought I was a worker there. Then when she found out that I was just a visitor, she warmed up to me. I asked why she was crying and what I could do to help. She then went into a rant and a rave about how she hated living in the center and how lonely she was. She had only been there for a week and she said that nobody liked her and nobody would visit her. Instead of helping with the activity, I took her for a walk. She ranted and raved the whole time and kept telling me the same things over and over again (I'm pretty sure that she has Alzheimer's) . I sat and listened to her quietly. I felt so bad for her. I wanted to cry with her, but I held back my tears to show her that everything will be okay or at least I hoped so.

I'm not sure if this is true or not, but she told me that her family tricked her into coming to Utah--she was supposed to live with her daughter here. She lived there for a week before they took her to the center. This story wanted to make me cry even more--she felt like a prisoner. After our walk, we went up to her room. I have been in other rooms and they are usually decorated and nice. Her room had a bed and a TV. That was it. Her family really didn't provide her with anything to make her room look nicer. We sat and watched an episode of "I Love Lucy" and then it was time for dinner. I usually go when it's dinner time because I'm not allowed to eat with them, unless I want to pay. I walked her down to the dining room and was telling her goodbye. She then burst into tears again because she said that she didn't want me to leave. I told her that I would stay and I paid for my dinner. It was really good to be there for her. Then when I really had to leave after dinner, I hated telling her that I had to go. I told her about my finals and the test I have to take tomorrow and she grudgingly said goodbye to me. I gave her a big hug and told her that I'd be back to visit her.

I think one good thing came out of me leaving when I did. There was another lady who I'll call Myrna who came up to ask me about this new lady. I introduced them and I think that they went for a walk together--I'm not sure because I left after I introduced them. I hope that they did because Myrna will be a good friend to her and hopefully help her make some friends. I'm glad that I decided to go instead of staying at school and studying because I know that I might have made her life/day/week a little bit better by being there for her today.

I still feel like crap though. I know that I should feel better about doing what I did--I was there for someone who needed me. I have always made that one of my life goals to be accomplished whenever I can because nobody was there for me when I needed them most. I, however, still don't feel good about it. It might be because I'm a lot like her. I sometimes feel like I am a prisoner. I sometimes feel like nobody loves me. I sometimes wish for a better life. I know that I can't change my life and that I have to make the best of it, which I am. I'm preparing for medical school, I'm helping discover new things about HIV, I'm serving others, and I'm living life to the fullest, yet something still feels like it's missing. An integral part of me is missing and I'm not sure what it is.

Anyways, that's my sad story. Back to the books...