Life Sucks, Period.

All that I really want to say is that I hate my life.

An Experiment: Update #4

So I have not blogged in awhile and I have been really busy, lonely, and just whatever. I am, however, doing fine. Please do not worry about me. It is just the way feel.

I think what contributed to my loneliness was no update in getting my friend. The bishop was out of town two Sundays ago. I was supposed to get my friend, or at least I think I was. I still have not gotten him. I feel like the bishop has just left me in the dust. It seems as if he does not care about me anymore. He has not called me into his office and he has not called me on my phone in a long time. I feel like I have been beaten up by getting my hopes up and left in the ditch to die. It is not really fun.

What also contributed to these feelings was that my EQ President did not call me all last week. He finally called me on Saturday, but I was really angry at him so I did not answer the phone. He left a message that I listened to and it was as if he felt like he had been there the whole time. I texted him and told him that I was busy and could not talk or do anything with him tonight (I was not lying). He then wanted to talk to me yesterday. I was not going to be at church so he set up an appointment with me to talk. My home teachers also scheduled to come over. The home teachers were supposed to be there thirty minutes before my EQ President arrived. They did not show up until after my EQ President, so we did not get to talk. He told me to come to Ward Prayer and then we could talk afterwards. This, however, did not happen. I texted him again letting him know that I was free to talk and that I would be waiting for him. He did not text me back until midnight. He perpetuated the feelings that I have been feeling because of the lack of support from my bishop.

In short, I am extremely lonely. I have great friends, but for some reason I continue to feel lonely. I do not know why. I have tried to get rid of this loneliness, but it comes and goes with the situations I am in. I also feel like I have been forgotten by a lot of my friends. I guess this is the update of the experiment and my life.

An Experiment: Update #3

Last night was a pretty good night for me. My EQ President gave me a call to see how I was doing. I then had him come over to give a me blessing. It was something that I really needed. When I asked him, I was scared and kind of embarrassed to ask him. I, however, asked him. He said that he would be over in a few minutes and he came over with one of my new home teachers. They were both really nice and they stayed to talk to me for awhile. I think that it would have been better for me to be alone with the EQ President so I did not really have to lie about how I was feeling. Oh well, I guess that is the way it goes. Before he left, I wanted to give him a big hug, but then I thought it would be weird with the other guy there, so I settled for a handshake. They left and as I was going to bed, the EQ President texted me and we chatted for awhile. Then I went to bed. It was nothing spectacular, but it was a very kind of him and his willingness to support me. He is great!

Today as I have been sitting in the Cougareat eating lunch, doing homework, and watching people (this is one of my favorite past times), I saw this one guy from my ward. Lately I have been seeing him all the time. I do not know his name, but I recognize him. As I was looking at hi today, I was overcome by the spirit. I felt that God had an immense love for me and that he wanted me to succeed in life. I stopped looking at this guy and the feeling went away. I looked over at him periodically and I kept feeling the spirit very strongly. Is he the one who is supposed to be my friend? It boggles my mind if he is because I have been looking and watching his movements while I have been eating lunch this whole semester. It will be interesting to see who gets chosen.

PS I realized that this sounds really creepy that I like to watch people and that I have been watching this guy for this whole semester. I promise that I am not a stalker. I just like to watch people that intrigue me and he intrigues me.

Showering Together

Two of my roommates just got back from the gym together and did not want to waste time by showering separate because it is FHE right now (it is a movie night outside on a projector). If they showered separately, they would waste at least ten minutes of good movie, good seats, or good looking women. I am not sure if they were wearing swimming suits or not, but it is really awkward and hot at the same time. This experience reminds me of AtP's a while ago. I thought that I would just throw that out there. Happy showering!

An Experiment: Update #2

I still do not have my special friend, but he is getting closer and closer to being chosen. I did, however, have a really good meeting with my bishop and the Elder's Quorum President. The bishop came to me after sacrament meeting and told me that he wanted to meet with me during priesthood. I readily agreed because I was excited and really scared to meet my new friend. BTW, I was really emotional this day for some reason and I started crying during sacrament meeting for no reason.

I headed up to the bishop's office after Sunday School and sat down with him across from me. He told me that we were going to wait for one other person. It felt like it took a century for someone to knock on the door. At this time, I was freaking out. I had never been so scared in my whole life. Then in walks the EQ President. I was told by the bishop that he wanted me to tell the EQ President about everything i.e. my situation, my struggles, what I am going through everyday, etc. Then he said that this will give the both of them the best idea of who they need to select to be my friend. This freaked me out because I thought I would only have to tell one other person, not two! I started out and I cried like a big baby. I spilled everything and could not stop crying. I spent the first hour talking and crying.

In the following thirty minutes, I was able to calm down and hold my own. The things that the bishop and EQ President said to me in those last thirty minutes were really profound. The bishop started crying. This is the first time that I have ever seen a bishop cry in a personal setting. He told me that he feels really strongly about me. He told me that he felt that he needs to help me now and not wait for some other bishop to take control of me in the Fall. He is willing to do anything for me up until the moment I leave and even after that if I ever wanted to talk to him again. It was really nice to know that someone really cares for me and my salvation that much. He said that he could not wait for me to fall, slip through the cracks, or leave and never look back. He could never forgive himself if he did that and remember that he was cry during this whole time. It was very touching.

The EQ President told me that he has a deep respect for me and my courage to do what I am doing. He definitely did not understand what I was going through, but he had respect for me. That was touching to know. He was amazed that I could live my life the way that I do everyday and to do so well. He did not think that he could ever live with the constant inner struggle that most of us go through everyday of our lives. He was also really surprised that I could play it off like everything is fine and have nobody really notice. He offered his services to me at any time and he told me that he was going to check up on me every once in awhile. He also wants to learn more about it, so I might introduce him to my blog and/or take him to the Matis'. I will have to see.

Both of these leaders are really supportive and I am glad that I was thrown into this experiment. I think that it is going to work out well and if I could get another person like my bishop and EQ President. I hope this does not come out like I am giving up on the rest of my friends here in the MoHo world. I would never do that. It is just really nice to have the support of some good straight "friends!"

Eight Random Gay Mormon Facts About Me

I have been called out by Abelard, so here it goes. I hope you enjoy these random facts about me.

THE RULES

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

I have had a hard time choosing facts/stories about me because my life is full of randomness. I hope that I chose the best ones so all of you can have a good laugh and get to know me better.

1. I have been a swimmer for 7 years (if it isn't obvious by all of my pictures). In that time, I have been a state champion multiple times, hold the 100 back record for my high school, been a team captain for 3 years, been a Far Western champion, been to Sectionals and placed in the top 16, qualified for Junior Nationals, and tried out for the BYU Men's Swim Team (I didn't make the team, but I was the last person cut from the team).
   
2. My senior year of high school, I was pretty much an ultra-nerd! I was president of the Calculus Club, Phun Physics Phriday Club, and HOSA (Health Occupations Students of America). I was also a member of the Pajama Pants Tuesday Club and a member of NHS. I am sure I was in other clubs, but these are the ones I remember the most.
3. I own five thongs decorated with hearts, kissed, and whatever else you want to think about. Last year, I was a coach for my high school (I am going to be coach again next year) and my swimmers thought it would be fun to buy me thongs and decorate them. I had to wear them to every meet or else the whole team would freak out. It was fun. :)
4. When I was little, all of my best friends were girls and I would play Barbies with them all the time. In fact, I did not stop playing with them until I was eight!
5. If I have the opportunity to play with dead animals or humans, I take the chance. What I mean playing with dead animals and humans is that I enjoy dissecting them! It is one of my favorite past times. Slicing into something that used to be living and looking at its' insides is amazing! I love it!
6. I have been a drag queen for a couple of hours. I dressed up like an old woman for a presentation in one of my classes in Fall semester and I got a girl's phone number out of it. Now, I am really good friends with her and who knows, it might turn into something more.
7. I am in love with the T.V. show Alias! It has so many hot people in it. It mad me really sad when it ended after five seasons... I miss you Alias!
8. I used to play football and I played on the defensive and offensive line. It is really ironic because I was one of the smallest people on the team and I was on the line. I, however, was one of the hardest hitters and I would never give up, even if the other person was huge. I was really good at football and I made few of people cry because of how hard I hit them. I actually made a person quit the team (by accident). It was a lot of fun, but I loved swimming more so I quit. (I think the reason why I hit people so hard was because it was a way to get my anger at life out and let me tell you I had a lot for a twelve, thirteen, and fourteen year old).

That is it for me. I call out: John, Danish Boy, Odd, Charlie (even though you are not gay), Caspian, Just Some Dude (hopefully you will see this and respond), Le Mec, and Original MoHomie.

Fixing Changing Moods

I have gotten a few emails and comments from others telling me to not to lose hope and that they are there for me. I really appreciate the support you give me. I love all of you that support me, but I guess my last post gave a misconception of what I do when my moods change from the better to the worse. That last post was just me venting about how I am sick of my "mood swings." That makes me sound like I am going through menopause or something... awkward!

A lot of people seem to think that I am just sitting here doing nothing, hoping and waiting for things to get better. This would also imply that I am trying to hide from my problems and not work on them. This, however, is not the case. Despite my changing moods, I am always proactively striving to better my life and the situation I am in. There are many times that I would like to give up trying. I know that I cannot do this. There are other times that I want God to make everything better, but I know that most of the time he will not. I cannot sit waiting for God to better my life. I have to work to make my life better. God can only do so much. He loves us and wants to help us, but He knows that He cannot always help us or else we will never learn.

I loved Charlie's comment on my last post. She told me that I should be looking for a ray of hope and that in times of her trouble, she tells herself that she is not as great as Joseph or Job. I totally agree with what she told me. We all need to look and hope for something better. If we did not, we would never progress and we would stay in the state that we are in, unless God intervenes (that usually does not happen). I am also definitely not as great as Joseph Smith, Job, and I would like to add the Savior. They did and learned so much in their trials. I would love it if I could have as much knowledge as they gained here on the earth. God taught them through trials, just like he is teaching me and all of you out there. Good luck in your trials and I hope everyone can look for the ray of hope Charlie talked to me about.

Changing like the Wind

I am like the wind. I am constantly changing moods. It is amazing how quickly things can change and turn for the better or for the worse for me. These past couple of days have been amazing and then suddenly everything changed yesterday. I fell back into a depressed state of being. I just wish that there could be some more stability in my life. I would love to have longer periods of happiness and shorter periods of problems and depression. I again feel extremely lonely for some odd reason. I have great friends who love me and call me to do things. I still, however, feel emptiness inside and a huge void. How can I be lonely? I just do not get it!

God, what am I supposed to do to fill this void?

An Experiment: Update #1

Last Sunday was a pretty sad Sunday. I was so excited to get my new friend, but the bishop did not have him ready for me. I continue to wait hoping that he will get here soon. In the meantime, I keep seeing this guy from my ward. I do not know who he is or what his story is, but I see him everywhere! I do not even know what his name is. I wonder if he is the one...

PS My attitude towards this experiment has changed a lot. I am really excited to participate in it! This new attitude came because of the efforts of AtP, Salad, Brady, and a few other supporters out there.