Feeling Alone

21 May 2008

I don’t remember whether I was afraid of this test I’d never heard of, but when my parents said, “Well then, we’ll be off,” I looked at them panic-stricken and asked, “Aren’t you going to stay with me?” They looked at each other, then back at me, and said something about the traffic, and besides, I wasn’t scared, was I? I felt my face flush. Things seemed to rush at me as if I were the focal point of some unseeable camera’s close-up. Immediately I regretted all my assumptions. The embarrassment I felt then stays with me still, though of course it wasn’t embarrassment. That feeling was about as different from embarrassment as a patch of soil is from a tree, an egg case from a spider, a lump of stone from a sculpted hand lying heavily on an even stonier lap. It was the moment when I understood unequivocally: I was in this alone.

-Autobiography of a Face, by Lucy Grealy

There have been plenty of time where we have felt alone. Nobody is there and that nobody cares for us. Those who have not told their parents probably feel that when they come out to their parents they will be all alone like Lucy. These feelings, however, are made it up in our minds. There are people out there who love us--no matter what you think or say.

For me, I felt alone through out my whole adolescence. I knew that I am attracted to men but I never fully admitted it myself. I felt that I was different and that nobody understood me. I also felt like nobody in the world would ever understand me and what I was going through.

I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to men at age 18. I had been struggling with it inside of since I was 13 or 14. It was so liberating, but I did not feel so alone because I came out to myself and told a very close friend. It felt really good and liberating. I eventually came out to my parents, grandma, brother, and other close friends. I finally felt the loneliness slipping away. This loneliness, however, never fully went away.

I talked to my bishop about this and he helped me develop my relationship with God and Jesus. This, however, was still not enough. I eventually found Michael and his blog. The loneliness completely went away. It was finally good to know that someone was going through the same things as I was. Then surprising after a couple months of meeting MoHos and feeling accepted, I suddenly felt alone again.

It took me awhile to realize that I was creating my loneliness. People loved me and I was not alone even though I felt alone. I finally overcame my loneliness problems last summer. Yeah right...

They suddenly came rushing back when I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Suddenly, I was attracted to men and I had a chronic disease. I felt alone again and that nobody understood me and my life. I also felt that a lot of people did not care about me anymore and that my friends were leaving me. I was stupid to ever think this.

I know that my friends and family all care about me deeply. I have just been making up feeling alone in my mind. In my opinion, we all do this. There are people out there who love and care about us. We just have to stop thinking that we are alone and that nobody cares about us. So stop making yourself feel alone like Lucy and feel the love of those around you and the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven.


Molly Sue said...

Sometimes the lonliest person in the room has the most individuals standing around them. Loney is a FEELING and those are difficult things to deal with in certain cases, even when surrounded by people we love.

I love to read your thoughts. Thank you.