Random

So I am bored today because I am sick and have been near the toilet pretty much all day today except for the fact that I had to work--one of the worst experiences of my life because it was so busy and I was sick. :(

In my boredom, I thought I would do some searching on Google for fun. I love pushing the "I'm feeling lucky" button. These are some of the fun searches that came up.

1. MoHo: http://www.lostmarble.com/ (I am not sure exactly what this is)
   
2. MoHos: http://www.cdc.gov/mold/es/faqs.htm (Moho in Spanish means mildew, mold, or rust)
3. Homosexual Mormons: http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_lds.htm (Some weird movement that I did not want to research about)
4. Gay BYU Students: http://gaybyustudent.blogspot.com/ (One of our friendly bloggers, Michael--I think this is how I originally found his blog too)
5. Random Disease: http://www.microfiction.org/disease/ (Probably one of my new favorite websites)

That is all for the adventures in Sean's bored, sick life.

Rain

It has been raining here in Happy Valley for the past two days and I love it! I love the rain. I love making rain angels on the sidewalk, swimming in the rain, puddle jumping, running around trying not to get wet, the smell of rain, not having to clean my car, and watching rain drops hit puddles making the lovely, perfect rings. Rain, for some reason, brings back a lot of memories.

I remember when I was little and there was a really bad rain storm/microburst one night. My best friend, Malerie, was sleeping over at my house. Together we sat and watched the rain fall, the wind blow, the lightning strike, and the thunder roar. During the scary parts, we would grab each other and hold each other close. Now as time has drifted us apart, I still remember how close we once were and how close we could still be. Her mom hoped for the longest time that we would get married. This, however, is not going to happen because she is getting married this Saturday. I regret not staying closer to her these past years, but friendship goes both ways. We are still really good friends, but not the friends that can hold each other like we once were. It makes me sad.

It also seems like the first time I kiss someone happens when it is raining. The first two people that I ever kissed was when it was raining. Then a handful of others have also been in the rain. I enjoy kissing someone in the rain. I find it very erotic and passionate.

My last big race while I was swimming competitively was in the rain. I still remember being in Arizona in the middle of April. It was right before my 200 back when it started to rain. The air cooled and the pool started to steam. This was my favorite condition to swim in. It soon became my turn to swim. I shed my clothes and there I stood in my legskin with my cap and goggles on. The cool rain hit my body and I shivered. The whistle blew and I jumped in the water. I prepared myself for the start and I distinctly remember thanking God for my favorite conditions to swim in and asking Him to bless me with a great swim. The started beeped and off I went. I hit every wall and had great underwaters. My stroke felt amazing and so did my pace. I finished with a best time and placed really high. It felt so good.

It was also raining/snowing when I first told my first girlfriend that I was gay. It was an amazing experience. I do not know if Caitlin felt the same way as I did, but I felt the Spirit really strongly. I also felt God's love, Christ's love, and her love for me. With tears flooding my eyes, we talked about everything. She was there and so supportive. I still love her to this day. Sadly, our relationship has also waned. I wish that we could stay close and that we were as close as our freshman year.

I guess rain also reminds me of crying. I have shed my fair share of tears in life. Some of them were happy and sad, but that does not matter. Crying feels good and it makes me feel deeply connected with my emotions. It also makes me feel human and real.

I love the rain...

Feeling Alone

I don’t remember whether I was afraid of this test I’d never heard of, but when my parents said, “Well then, we’ll be off,” I looked at them panic-stricken and asked, “Aren’t you going to stay with me?” They looked at each other, then back at me, and said something about the traffic, and besides, I wasn’t scared, was I? I felt my face flush. Things seemed to rush at me as if I were the focal point of some unseeable camera’s close-up. Immediately I regretted all my assumptions. The embarrassment I felt then stays with me still, though of course it wasn’t embarrassment. That feeling was about as different from embarrassment as a patch of soil is from a tree, an egg case from a spider, a lump of stone from a sculpted hand lying heavily on an even stonier lap. It was the moment when I understood unequivocally: I was in this alone.

-Autobiography of a Face, by Lucy Grealy

There have been plenty of time where we have felt alone. Nobody is there and that nobody cares for us. Those who have not told their parents probably feel that when they come out to their parents they will be all alone like Lucy. These feelings, however, are made it up in our minds. There are people out there who love us--no matter what you think or say.

For me, I felt alone through out my whole adolescence. I knew that I am attracted to men but I never fully admitted it myself. I felt that I was different and that nobody understood me. I also felt like nobody in the world would ever understand me and what I was going through.

I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to men at age 18. I had been struggling with it inside of since I was 13 or 14. It was so liberating, but I did not feel so alone because I came out to myself and told a very close friend. It felt really good and liberating. I eventually came out to my parents, grandma, brother, and other close friends. I finally felt the loneliness slipping away. This loneliness, however, never fully went away.

I talked to my bishop about this and he helped me develop my relationship with God and Jesus. This, however, was still not enough. I eventually found Michael and his blog. The loneliness completely went away. It was finally good to know that someone was going through the same things as I was. Then surprising after a couple months of meeting MoHos and feeling accepted, I suddenly felt alone again.

It took me awhile to realize that I was creating my loneliness. People loved me and I was not alone even though I felt alone. I finally overcame my loneliness problems last summer. Yeah right...

They suddenly came rushing back when I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Suddenly, I was attracted to men and I had a chronic disease. I felt alone again and that nobody understood me and my life. I also felt that a lot of people did not care about me anymore and that my friends were leaving me. I was stupid to ever think this.

I know that my friends and family all care about me deeply. I have just been making up feeling alone in my mind. In my opinion, we all do this. There are people out there who love and care about us. We just have to stop thinking that we are alone and that nobody cares about us. So stop making yourself feel alone like Lucy and feel the love of those around you and the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven.

Rooftops

-"Rooftops," by Lostprophets

I really need to shout my heart out right now and let people know how I really feel.

Give It All

-"Give It All," by Rise Against

Sometimes we have to give it all to get it all.

Angsty

I feeling angsty right now. I know that's not a real word, but I am using it to make it fit. I guess I could say that I have much angst right now, but I definitely like angsty better. Sorry for the random conversation with myself there for a moment.

There is a lot on my mind--the future. Before I found out that I was not going to be able to go on a mission, my life was sort of planned out. I would go on a mission and then finish my remaining two years of school. I would then go to medical school and become a neurosurgeon. Minus the mission part, not too much has changed, but the future that I thought I had a couple of years to set in stone is here now! I need to start figuring out the best way going about getting into medical school. I know I need to start doing research and I also need to finish my Pre-med requirements along with my Biochemistry major. I might have to start taking more classes than I am and have more stress in my life because I am essentially double majoring. Time to start cracking the whip.

I am also receiving angst from friends. Do not get me wrong, I love my friends dearly and I love doing things with them, but I want to have a friend my age and who has not gone on a mission as a close friend. I know this is a stupid request, but I hate hearing about other people's missions and their experiences from them. I used to think that they were great inspiration. Now, I feel like they are a slap in the face telling me that I did not go and have amazing experiences like they had. Maybe another guy my age would do me justice and get rid of this angst. I only have older guy friends and they are going to be leaving within the next year. It would be nice to have someone here who is going to stay with me.

Sorry that this post kind of sounds whiny but this is how I am feeling right now. It also makes me sound like I am afraid of the future when I am not. I am really excited to get on with my life and become a doctor. It is just sooner here then I thought it would be. I guess I am also angsty over the thought of considering marriage. It is something that is now a green light and something I have to consider. It will be interesting to see how this angst plays out.

Being Honest

This is in response to a comment Molly Sue left on one of my recent blogs.

I have for a very long time decided to not call my attractions my struggle. They are a part of me and they make me the person that I am. My attractions are as part of me as my eyes are green, my hair is dirty blond, and my love for swimming. In fact, I do not struggle with them and have not done so for almost a year. That is when I started to fully accept myself and live my life to the fullest. God gave me attractions to men for a reason and if I hate and struggle with these attractions, I hate and struggle with God. I do not and cannot understand why, but I believe it is for a certain reason.

I have actually been out for a very long time and that is why I decided to start using my real name and picture. I have told numerous friends and some have been supportive and some have not. I am finally comfortable enough to not hide anything anymore. I used to be a little bit more conservative around certain people, but not anymore. I still will not make certain comments that totally out me, but I am much more open and honest than I have ever been. I am fine with this too. I actually really enjoy it. I enjoy the conversations I have with friends and family about the topic and I love enlightening them on the topic. Being out is wonderful! :)

About the term SSA, I use it more often than not because I do not like calling myself gay. I guess I could use the term homosexual (I sometimes use that). I feel that labeling myself as gay or a homosexual is too defining. I define myself as Sean. My attractions only make up a small part of who I am and if I use those terms too many stereotypes pop in people's minds and it can hurt relationships. I have had this happen before. It also seems better to not set up definitions for yourself because they can consume you and then you have problems with getting out of those definitions. I have had problems with that before and I have seen others struggle with the same problem. Those are the main reasons why I use SSA and define myself as Sean.

Friendships

I have made some amazing friendships in my life. It seems that God always blesses me with the right people at the right time. Lately, I have been having so much time on my hands that I have been so bored. This boredom, however, has been taken away by some great friends that I have reconnected with and that I have recently made. They are wonderful to spend time with because there is never a dull moment and I love being around them. Some of them know about my situation and I am fine with that. I enjoy being myself around them. I am even myself around those who do not know. It is nice to have the confidence to always be myself around those whom I love and no longer care what they think. I guess that I can say that I am totally out in the open with my friends and the world. I love my friends and I hope that our relationships continue for a long time.