The Quest for Love

10 January 2008
I found another wonderful quote in Truth and Beauty: A Friendship, by Ana Patchett the other day about love. It is very interesting and I think that it equates with what a lot of MoHos, including myself once upon a time, believe.
Lucy thought that all she needed was one person, the right person, and all the empty space would be taken away from her. But there was no one in the world who was big enough for that. She believed that if she had a jaw that was like everyone else's jaw, she would have found that person by now. She was trapped in a room full of mirrors, and every direction she looked in she saw herself, her face, her loneliness. She couldn't see that no one else was perfect either, and that so much of love was the work of it. She had worked on everything else. Love would have to be charmed.
I remember that I once believed that love had to be charmed to. I felt that if it did not work out right away, it definitely was not meant to be. It was also so easy to fall "in love" with someone I was attracted to, who was another MoHo, and who felt the same way that I did. This meant, in my opinion before I changed it, that being with another MoHo was what was meant to be for me. That love was supposed to be easy, full of passion, and charmed.

I was like Lucy. I did not see the fact that love had to be worked on and that the love that was worked on usually lasted longer. About six months ago, I noticed this. I soon found myself loving some beautiful women that I thought I would never love because of the lack of physical attraction and passion. I found that there was much more to love than the physical attraction and passion. There was a deep emotional love for them. One that would not leave and one that I could not ignore. I was attracted to them in different ways than the physical and I still am. It was an amazing feeling to not be controlled by raging hormones and to know that I can love women and possibly spend the rest of my life with them.

I believe that a lot of MoHos and the rest of the world get caught up, like Lucy, in the charmed love that is shown in Hollywood movies. That love can take every pain away and that it is perfect. Love is definitely not perfect and charmed. There is a lot of work to do and it may not work out the first time, second time, or third time. The point is that all of us need to keep working at it to try and make it as perfect as we possibly can. Sure a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) is not perfect, but we must remember that no relationship is perfect and that they all need to be worked on. I believe that we should not give up hope on MOMs. They can work if both, the man and the woman, are willing to put forth the effort.

Love needs to be worked on constantly and it is not magical (I think that love can be magical at times though).


Peter said...

Was your relationship with another moho really that shallow? Was it really only "physical attraction and passion"? You are right, a relationship that is only about sex is a doomed, shallow, easy, wrong relationship. But I think that you are generalizing same gender relationships if you think that most of them are like that.

Love is work, and love is deeper than attraction. It is quite possible for two people of the same gender who are attracted to each other to develop that love as they work at it. It is also possible for two people of opposite genders who aren't attracted to each other to develop that love as they work at it. One is not more right than the other, in my opinion. Nor is one less of "love" than the other. In any event, a relationship should only exist where there is love, or at least the kind of work that will ultimately lead to love. Any marriage will succeed where there is work and love.

Anyway, I'll end my ramblings by saying that the "shallow" card can fall on both sides. It is shallow for a man to be with a man only because he is sexually attracted to him, but it is also shallow to be with a woman simply because he wants to be with a woman.

Kengo Biddles said...

A real romantic relationship is so much more than the happy times. There is stress. There is unhappiness. There are even feelings of loneliness. I agree with you that Hollywood misses the boat a lot of times.

Love can be found everywhere. Depending on what religious tenets you hold to, some of these loves should not be allowed to progress to eros, which is much more what Therapy is trying to say.

And no need to rebut, Peter. I know that you and I don't agree on this subject.

McKenzie said...

I second Peter's post. Well written.

One of So Many said...

Love is the hardest thing to find. Though God's love is what we should seek. It's not the easiest to come by either.

Sean said...


I promised that I would never write about my relationships on this blog, but I will make a few comments. I have most likely been in more same gender relationships than you have (I'm not going to number or name). Some of my relationships were that way and some were not. The only problem was the physical attraction and passion caused way too many problems and it was too easy to do things that you promised each other that you would never do. Then it was easy to justify your actions and do it again.

I am a strong supporter of the honor code and the teachings of the church because I signed it (the code) and promised to follow the rules that applied to both of them. That includes no homosexual activity. I do give leeway on hugging, snuggling, holding hands, and such. However, there are some things that should never happen because it is against the honor code and the teachings of the church. I don't want to be dishonest because I am not that kind of person.

I think that you read to much into my post when you thought that I was generalizing same gender relationships. I wasn't. I was just talking about my own. You don't need to take offense to what I say if your relationships are different. You might even want to share some of yours since they are never the way that I have said some of mine were (I'm assuming this to be true since you said, "was your relationship with another moho really that shallow?")