I have started the process of moving on. I have decided that I do not want to serve a church service mission. I just want to move on my life and I feel like it will set me back from my goals and not be very beneficial to me. I am taking a break from school this summer and I am working four jobs to keep me busy, but I do not think I will be that busy (if anyone wants to play, let me know). I am also moving in with a straight friend this coming fall. I really like him. He was my home teaching companion in my freshmen ward and he is great! I am thinking about coming out to him. I have thought about that for a long time. I am still not sure if I am going to yet, but it is a definite possibility. I have also decided to date as much as I can. I need to start looking for marriage even though I do not feel ready to marry. I have also decided to keep writing this blog. I feel that it is beneficial to me and I believe people enjoy reading it.
PS I love Madonna's new CD!
I'm Coming Out
I just realized that I did something really stupid. I just joined a book club that has a blog going and I became a contributor. Of course I was not thinking and gave them the email address that I use for this blog. I have a two choices I could make. I could change my profile around a bit and take this blog off my blog list. I do not really want to do that because people would not be able to reach me. The other is just let it go and come out to the whole book club. I think I am going to do the latter. I do not know if other people will look at others blogs, but if they do, so what? I am comfortable with myself or else I would not be using my real name and picture on this blog. So I guess that I am coming out and I better get this party started... :)
The New Life of Sean
21 April 2008
My life has taken a drastic change. I have received news that I am not going on a mission--I was not approved to go. Where do I go from here? I am not sure. I am for sure going to stay with the Church and live the best life that I can. The problem is that I do not have a plan for the future. My plan was to go on a mission, then finish school, and worry about my life after my mission. Now, I have to figure out my future right now.
My plans are to stay at BYU and go to medical school. Other than that, I am not sure. I guess that I need to start thinking about marriage, which medical school to go to, where to internship, where to do research, and when to take the MCAT. These are all things that are going to be within the next couple of years, instead of five years. Wow! My life is changing quickly.
I see and feel the need to move on and my bishop wants me to move on. What does moving on entailing for me? Is it to stop this blog? Is it to stop associating myself with all MoHos? Is it to keep my MoHo friends and stop making new ones? Is it to stop reading blogs and commenting? Is it to find the woman from my dreams? What do I need to do?
I am not sure yet, but my answers will soon come or come when the Lord sees fit to tell me. I trust that the Lord will guide and direct me. I also trust the Lord has a certain path for me and that is why I am not going on a mission.
My path is still open to me and this might be the end of this part of my path.
My plans are to stay at BYU and go to medical school. Other than that, I am not sure. I guess that I need to start thinking about marriage, which medical school to go to, where to internship, where to do research, and when to take the MCAT. These are all things that are going to be within the next couple of years, instead of five years. Wow! My life is changing quickly.
I see and feel the need to move on and my bishop wants me to move on. What does moving on entailing for me? Is it to stop this blog? Is it to stop associating myself with all MoHos? Is it to keep my MoHo friends and stop making new ones? Is it to stop reading blogs and commenting? Is it to find the woman from my dreams? What do I need to do?
I am not sure yet, but my answers will soon come or come when the Lord sees fit to tell me. I trust that the Lord will guide and direct me. I also trust the Lord has a certain path for me and that is why I am not going on a mission.
My path is still open to me and this might be the end of this part of my path.
Self-Deprivation vs. Self-Regulation
13 April 2008
In my sociology class, we have been talking about adolescents and how they need to regulate themselves so they do not start behaving antisocially. There have been many papers written on this and it struck me as quite interesting. It seems like a lot of the papers were talking about controlling the natural man or something to effect. Researchers stated numerous times that adolescents are much better off if they have good self-regulation skills and use them regularly than those who just do what they want when they want.
This brings me to self-deprivation vs. self-regulation. This has become a popular topic and I just wanted to put my two cents in. I personally believe that all of us never have to deprive ourselves of anything, but rather we must regulate what we do. This includes our "gayness." I believe that we never have to deprive ourselves of those feelings. I know that some will say that I am depriving myself because I am not fully being "gay," but I beg to differ. Being "gay" does not mean that I have to have a sexual relationship with a man. It means that I am attracted to men. That is it. If I chose to marry a woman, it does not mean I am depriving myself of my attractions. They are definitely still there. I know that people will argue with me and say that I cannot fully express my potential to love and feel the full potential of love if I marry. Again, I beg to differ. Staying true to someone is real love and never wanting to do anything to hurt that person is real love. This real love can and will be expressed at its full potential, even if the attraction is not there. I can love my wife the same way that I can love a man. It will take more work, but in my opinion, it is worth the work because of the lessons you will learn. I also believe that I will be truly happy. I will not be depriving myself of anything because I made the choice and plan to move on ahead--no matter what comes my way.
I believe that self-regulation is the key to life. We must not be focused too much on one aspect of our lives or else the rest of our lives will be out of balance. Say if I focus too much on my "gay" side, it will consume me and take over which can cause me to feel alienated, lonely, and many other side-effects. Another example is if I let school take over my life, it can hurt friends, social skills, and understanding of others. By self-regulating, we allow for a good mixture of aspects of life to enter our lives causing us to be more well-rounded. Christ is a very well-rounded person and because of that He became perfect in all things. He did not focus on only one aspect of His life. He focused on a relationship with his parents, relationships with friends, learning the gospel, reading the scriptures, etc. We need to be like Christ and renaissance men (people in the Renaissance who were considered skilled and intelligent in many areas) in the modern world. There needs to be a balance or regulation in everything--yin and yang.
This brings me to self-deprivation vs. self-regulation. This has become a popular topic and I just wanted to put my two cents in. I personally believe that all of us never have to deprive ourselves of anything, but rather we must regulate what we do. This includes our "gayness." I believe that we never have to deprive ourselves of those feelings. I know that some will say that I am depriving myself because I am not fully being "gay," but I beg to differ. Being "gay" does not mean that I have to have a sexual relationship with a man. It means that I am attracted to men. That is it. If I chose to marry a woman, it does not mean I am depriving myself of my attractions. They are definitely still there. I know that people will argue with me and say that I cannot fully express my potential to love and feel the full potential of love if I marry. Again, I beg to differ. Staying true to someone is real love and never wanting to do anything to hurt that person is real love. This real love can and will be expressed at its full potential, even if the attraction is not there. I can love my wife the same way that I can love a man. It will take more work, but in my opinion, it is worth the work because of the lessons you will learn. I also believe that I will be truly happy. I will not be depriving myself of anything because I made the choice and plan to move on ahead--no matter what comes my way.
I believe that self-regulation is the key to life. We must not be focused too much on one aspect of our lives or else the rest of our lives will be out of balance. Say if I focus too much on my "gay" side, it will consume me and take over which can cause me to feel alienated, lonely, and many other side-effects. Another example is if I let school take over my life, it can hurt friends, social skills, and understanding of others. By self-regulating, we allow for a good mixture of aspects of life to enter our lives causing us to be more well-rounded. Christ is a very well-rounded person and because of that He became perfect in all things. He did not focus on only one aspect of His life. He focused on a relationship with his parents, relationships with friends, learning the gospel, reading the scriptures, etc. We need to be like Christ and renaissance men (people in the Renaissance who were considered skilled and intelligent in many areas) in the modern world. There needs to be a balance or regulation in everything--yin and yang.
4 Minutes
04 April 2008
-4 Minutes, Madonna with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland
So after a little searching, I found the actual version that someone posted right after the release today. OMG! It is so hot and I am not just talking about Madonna and Justin! The way they move is definitely to die for and the video has an artistic edge to it! I am a definitely fan! :)
4 Minutes (Preview)
-4 Minutes, Madonna with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland
I absolutely love with new single! This is definitely going to be such a hot music video! I am so excited for it to premiere!
Book Tag
03 April 2008
I have been tagged! Here is the fifth sentence from the book nearest to me on pg. 123.
The rest of that ride is scattered bits and pieces of memory that come and go, most of it sounds and smells: MiGs roaring past overhead; staccatos of gunfire; a donkey braying nearby; the jingling of bells and mewling of sheep; gravel crushed under the truck's tires; a baby wailing in the dark; the stench of gasoline, vomit, and shit.Here are the five people whom I must I tag: October Rising, Michael, Calvin, Kengo Biddles, and A Crow's View.
-The Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini
April Fools?
01 April 2008
Today was such a weird day for me. First of all, I was up really late last night. Then I actually woke up up to my alarm which has not happened since I started having insomnia. I got to school about an hour early so I could do some homework and last minute touch ups on my homework that was due for my first class. I turned in my homework and sat down. Next thing I heard was "Die Another Day" by Madonna. I quickly answered my phone (after singing along in my head for a little while).
On the phone was the BYU Catering Service. I thought that it was really weird for them to be calling me. I told them that I did not order anything. They told me that I had a care package that someone made for me. I started thinking, "Yeah right, April Fool's. Nobody ever does something like this for me or would even think to unless it is a prank." The reason I thought this was because Delilah works in a kitchen at BYU and I thought she set it up. They told me that I needed to pick it up before they closed at 6:30 pm. I could handle that. It was 9 am.
I went in about 3 pm and kept thinking to myself that it was an April Fools joke. I sat down and waited for the receptionist to get off the phone. She asked me if I had a pick up. I told her yes and then she brought out a lovely surprise for me. It was a goodie bag of treats, a drink, and bubbles (personally,
I love bubbles and being able to play with those when I went outside made me really happy). It had a giant smiley face balloon and a note that said, "You are the greatest!" It was really sweet of whoever did this for me. I do not know who did it but if you read my blog, thanks! I really appreciate your random act of kindness because I have not been feeling too well lately and it really brightened my day. It is times like these that I am truly grateful for the friends that I have and the love they share with me.
PS I do have some suspicions of who sent me this but I am not going to call anyone out.
PPS Happy Birthday Caitlin!
On the phone was the BYU Catering Service. I thought that it was really weird for them to be calling me. I told them that I did not order anything. They told me that I had a care package that someone made for me. I started thinking, "Yeah right, April Fool's. Nobody ever does something like this for me or would even think to unless it is a prank." The reason I thought this was because Delilah works in a kitchen at BYU and I thought she set it up. They told me that I needed to pick it up before they closed at 6:30 pm. I could handle that. It was 9 am.I went in about 3 pm and kept thinking to myself that it was an April Fools joke. I sat down and waited for the receptionist to get off the phone. She asked me if I had a pick up. I told her yes and then she brought out a lovely surprise for me. It was a goodie bag of treats, a drink, and bubbles (personally,
I love bubbles and being able to play with those when I went outside made me really happy). It had a giant smiley face balloon and a note that said, "You are the greatest!" It was really sweet of whoever did this for me. I do not know who did it but if you read my blog, thanks! I really appreciate your random act of kindness because I have not been feeling too well lately and it really brightened my day. It is times like these that I am truly grateful for the friends that I have and the love they share with me.
PS I do have some suspicions of who sent me this but I am not going to call anyone out.PPS Happy Birthday Caitlin!
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