Boyhood Dreams

25 August 2010
I've been running away from life for about the past two hours. I finally came in because I was tired. I have never ran through Frederick at night. It is strangely beautiful and takes me back to simpler times. Simpler times where Frederick was the major cross road of a large highway in the 1700s and 1800s. I ran down the brick side walks, through Market and Church Street, and into Baker Park. It cleared my mind of the agony of the day, but now it is back. I don't know if I can rid myself of the agony I'm going through at the moment. It makes me wish for simpler times where my boyhood dreams would come true. Sigh...

I'm sure you are all wondering what I was running away from. I guess I should tell you. I was denied from 3 MSTPs (MD/PhD programs) today, which is over 10% of the schools I applied to. I feel like a ball of crap and that my dreams were fleeting... Was I ever good enough? Will I ever be good enough? What did I do wrong? Did I do anything right? What should I do? Are my dreams from my childhood and never meant to come true? I don't know, but I would like some answers to these questions I might not ever receive answers to.

I feel like I'm supposed to be a medical scientist. That why I moved to Maryland to perform more research and to further my career as a medical scientist. Is it in vain? People tell me I am supposed to be a medical scientist. Why can't the admissions committee see that? All I want to do is work at an academic medical center--teaching graduate and medical students, and performing research on the frontier of medicine. That's all I want to do. This is my dream, but maybe it's just that, a dream...

People will tell me that I still have 17 schools that could possibly want me... I realize that, but having 3 schools deny me in one day hurts; its some of the worst pain I've been in. I've broken down and cried multiple times. I cried as I opened every letter. I cried as I was running. I've cried since I've been home. I feel like my world is shattering all around me. That the pieces of glass are embedded in my body and causing me all of this pain. I need an escape, but no escape until I know that at least one school wants me.

Could these be fleeting boyhood dreams? Possibly...

8 comments:

Troy said...

aw, 10% rejection ain't bad. You'll make it :)

David Baker-@DB389 said...

Okay, I think it is time for you to come down and have some fun in DC. Rejection sucks! were any of them one of your top 3 picks?

Beck said...

Don't give up on your dream! Don't lose your passion! You'll make it through this setback and find the path that leads to your dream being a reality.

Keep at it.

Mister Curie said...

Sorry to hear the news. Applying MD/PhD can be rough. Having been through it, participating in it from the other side, and counseling others attempting it, I've seen it from multiple angles. I'd be happy to look over your application and provide some feedback with the hopes of making your next attempt more successful. You know where to find me . . .

boskers said...

I'd give you a hug if I was there.

I spent the last 3 months getting rejected over and over by companies for whom I was not qualified to work for as well as companies I am MORE than qualified to work for. I always thought I was special...like nothing could get in my way. But I got a good dose of reality.

I feel for ya. Believe me, the harder it is now, the better you'll feel once you have a breakthrough. This week I finally got hired and I'm ecstatic!

Don't throw in the towel. It's too soon for that. If you need to cry, then cry, but don't let a few rejections shake your foundation. You know what you want. You know you're capable of it.

"Lucky Jacob M" said...

Sean, I do not know you... but my heart breaks for you. I know how it feels to have nothing go right, and be denied the thing you want most.

I hope the best for you!

A Gay Mormon Boy said...

Also going through the application process (PhD/Lit), I guess the rejections become something everyday, though devastating nonetheless. The terror of rejection on the mission lightened out job rejections which lightened out romantic rejections, etc.

The one thing people keep telling me is that rejections (esp. in this climate) are not a reflections of our qualifications or work, but rather our fit or chemistry. Leave it to me to leave a touchy-feely humanities comment.

Sean said...

Thank you all for your love and support! I'm feeling much better with the whole process. I did receive another rejection today and handled it much better. Hopefully things will work out.

Love you all!

Sean