Longing

21 January 2009
The last part of the last paragraph of this post really hit home and made me cry.

No matter how much I accept myself, I will always have a longing to be "normal" in eyes of everyone, especially my family's--to be married in the temple, to have my own children, to spend the rest of my life with someone whom I love, to go on a mission, to be straight, and many other things. I don't know if this longing will ever go away or if it will be with me forever.

I had a lot of dates this past weekend and I actually have one tomorrow night. All of them were with women (two were women who asked me out and the other two I did the asking). My mom and I think my whole family was really happy that I was out and going on dates. She's hopeful that I will find a woman that I will fall in love with and be more than just friends. However, it seems that it will never work out and the ones I have some interest in (never sexually), never reciprocate.

Sigh, I have this longing to be "normal" and straight.

4 comments:

October Rising said...

a lot of us feel this way :( earlier today i was thinking about how it makes me feel anxious to become reacquainted with old associates/friends because i'm not married with children like many of my peers my age, so i feel like i have nothing to show for my life.

El Genio said...

In the words of Gandalf, so do all of us who carry this burden, but that is not for us to decide. All there is to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you.

Kengo Biddles said...

Sean, sweetie, you are normal in all the ways that count. Yes, you want companionship, yes you want a relationship ... Miki was 25 before she found me, her cousin was 30 before she found her husband...Eileen, our friend is still searching.

It's definitely hard, harder than I can imagine for you. But you're obviously not alone.

Val said...

I think you'll always have that longing to be "normal" because "fitting in" is what we have been taught from birth. In Utah County it is celebrated to be like each other in so many ways. Keep trekkin cuz... you have so much personality and a million unique qualities that make you interesting and a pleasure to be around.

It hurts sometimes to be on the outside, but being a person who makes a difference with the set of tools they were given in life is something to be truly proud of. I can see you focusing on the marriage and children aspect a lot because that is what other guys your age are doing (in that particularly small bubble that is U.C.) Learn to look outside of that mindset and focus on ways you can spread yourself and your knowledge further into the world. There is a lot to be explored, and you're a person that is meant to impact so many people's lives!