Madonna Is Back!

I was recently thinking last night that I haven't professed my love of Madonna on this blog lately. I was thinking about posting a movie or commenting on a couple of things that she has done recently. Then in my reader feed I get the best news I have ever heard in my life! Madonna is hitting the road again and extending her "Sticky 'n Sweet" tour. I am so freaking excited! Yes, there aren't going to be any concerts in the US, but they are going to be in Europe and I have been dying to go to Europe and travel. What else could be better than touring Europe and seeing Madonna? NOTHING!!!!! The problem is money. Well, not really because I have a lot saved up but all of that is for medical school. This probably isn't going to stop me though. I have been looking at my budget and I have free money from BYU from my scholarship (I found out today that they didn't give me all of my text book money so I am getting some more money soon). I think that if I save twenty-five dollars of each pay check (I get six a month), I could totally pay for a trip this summer!

The question is now, does anyone want to go with me?

Goals

I know it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions and Goals for 2009. For those of you who don't know, I'm a devout perfectionist and everything, and I mean everything, has to be perfect. It usually takes me a couple of weeks to come up with goals and perfect my plan for them. That is why I am posting them now. I now know all of my goals and I have made plans to implement them in my life.

1. Get at least a 35 on the MCAT
2. Get an interview for NYU Medical School and other medical schools of my choice
   
3. Volunteer at least once a week at a retirement center near my home
4. Help write a research paper, publish it, and be a coauthor
   
5. Get my health under control
6. Once I am allowed to exercise, get my swimmer's body back by swimming 2-3 times a week, doing yoga or pilattes everyday , playing DDR, and working out at the gym on the days I didn't swim
7. Be on the Dean's List every semester/term I go to school this year
8. Go on at least 3 dates every month unless I become serious with someone
   
9. Stay more involved in my friends' lives
10. Find a best friend
11. Read 10 books from my list of books to read
12. Be honest, even if the honesty could hurt someone
    
13. Continue to stay close to my family
14. Try to get out of my "hovel" more often and have a good time
15. Stay away from porn and masturbation
16. Develop the talents that I have
    
17. Be as positive and happy as I can! :)

Change

Life has been interesting as of late. I have been thrown into a lot of social situations with old high school friends due to homecomings, farewells, and running into them on campus. There have been a lot of people who do not recognize me anymore. An example comes from last Sunday. One of my closer girl friends from high school had her missionary farewell. One best friend from high school came back from his mission that week and I hadn't had the chance to see him yet. He was there are the farewell and I went up to him, told him hello, and gave him a big hug. He looked at me quizzically and said, "Sean, is that you?" I was surprised that my old best friend didn't even recognize me anymore. I also had a couple of others who did not recognize me. I am happy that I have changed and not the same as in high school (I think I am a better person), yet at the same time, I can't help to wonder if coming out has actually changed the person that I once was.

When I first came out to my parents and some friends, I told them that I was the same old Sean that they knew and loved. Is this still true? Am I that same old person? If so, why do my old friends not recognize me anymore? If not, how am I different? What has changed about me? Why has this changed occurred? I think that my changes could also be attributed to me just living life and living in different, most likely, harder situations than all of my old high school friends. It still makes me wonder though.

PS One of my blog stalkers from high school has put a link on her page to my blog and I am getting a lot of hits from her blog. Some many, in fact, that her blog is one of the number three from where people come. That makes me happy and I wonder if my old high school friends are finding this blog.

Longing

The last part of the last paragraph of this post really hit home and made me cry.

No matter how much I accept myself, I will always have a longing to be "normal" in eyes of everyone, especially my family's--to be married in the temple, to have my own children, to spend the rest of my life with someone whom I love, to go on a mission, to be straight, and many other things. I don't know if this longing will ever go away or if it will be with me forever.

I had a lot of dates this past weekend and I actually have one tomorrow night. All of them were with women (two were women who asked me out and the other two I did the asking). My mom and I think my whole family was really happy that I was out and going on dates. She's hopeful that I will find a woman that I will fall in love with and be more than just friends. However, it seems that it will never work out and the ones I have some interest in (never sexually), never reciprocate.

Sigh, I have this longing to be "normal" and straight.

Avoiding Helping the Devil

Paulo Coelho

"- We are often instruments of evil when we try to do good - said Al-Fahid to his friend. - I always try to stay alert, but today I was used by the devil.

- How come? You are known to be so wise!

- This morning I went to the mosque to pray. Obeying the tradition, I took off my shoes before entering; when I was about to leave, I saw that they had been stolen: so I created a thief.

- But it’s not your fault - said the friend.

- It is my fault. It is so easy to arouse the bad side in our neighbor. It is so easy to annoy someone, spread discord, raise suspicion, separate brothers. The devil needs men to carry out his acts - and that is why I am to blame."

I follow Paulo Coelho's blog and he has some very profound writings on it. I recommend it to everyone!

This blog in particular made me think, "What can I do to be a better person and neighbor?" It is as simple as not passing judgment on others as was described in this blog. We all can be better neighbors by not passing judgment upon each other--we are all humans and we cannot judge each other very well because we do not know the others situation. I hope that I can be a better neighbor, friend, brother, stranger, and whatever else comes my way by not judging others.

Another One!

I got asked out on another date today by a different person. This is really kind of weird because this NEVER happens! This date is going to be before the other one. It's going to be interesting to see how this one turns out before the other one. I'll give an update of both of them after I've gone out. I hope to include pictures! :)

I guess when it rains dates, it pours!

Date

A crazy thing happened to me today. I got asked out! This hasn't happened in awhile. I'm excited! There will be more to come after the date... :)

So Hard

-"So Hard" by Pet Shop Boys

I doublecross you
And you get mysterious mail
I've tried hard not to shock you
It's hard not to with the things I could say
Tell me why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
Why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?

You lock your letters in a box
And you've hidden the key
I go one better - I'm indebted
To a contact magazine
Tell me why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
Why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for us?

Everybody's got to live together
Just to find a little peace of mind there
If you give up your affairs forever
I will give up mine
But it's hard
So hard

I'm always hoping you'll be faithful
But you're not, I suppose
We've both given up smoking 'cause it's fatal
So whose matches are those?
Tell me why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?

We make it so hard
(It's so hard)

Tell me why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard
Tell me why don't we try
Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
-"So Hard" by Pet Shop Boys

Not to break our hearts and make it so hard for ourselves?
We make it so hard for ourselves
We make it so hard
So hard
We make it so hard

"I Know..."

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. Well, I guess I could say yesterday evening was interesting for me. I first went to my relatives' house for the traditional family dinner on fast Sunday. That was fine. I got to play with my cousin's kids and have a good time with the family--always enjoyable. I then stopped by Drex and Salad's to drop off their key after I took care of their apartment for the Christmas break. This is when it starts to get weird.

I get a text from one of my swimmers. It says, "haha Sean is a texting my bro... weird." I'll now give some background. His older brother is gay I knew him in high school. We have been talking for awhile and I have been kind of nervous since his brother could possibly find out. Continuing... I let that text sit there for about an hour. I didn't want to respond. Then I get this text: "oh btw I'm not dumb and I know... and I'm not a 'hater' I won't tell anyone because I'm also not a jerk... Just don't get mad that I know. My bro doesn't want me to tell you that I know." At this point, I had no choice, but to respond. I responded, "So how long have you known?" In reply, "about a week." Then I asked, "How did you find out? Your brother?" He responded, "You keep your life personal and you talk to my bro and then it kinda clicked plus my bro isn't too good at keeping secrets." I then asked, "Did you talk to your brother about it?" He then replied, "I did tonight and he said to ask you. But its cool." Now one of my swimmers knows that I am gay. I am ok with it. I would rather be out than pretending to be straight. It sometimes wears on me, especially with my swimmers. They are always bothering me about who I am dating, how many people I've kissed, my girlfriend's name, what she looks like, etc. I have been pretty good at pushing on their questions by changing the subject, but it wears on me after awhile.

I know, however, it is not good for me to be out to the team. I know that parents would freak out and so would some of the kids. Then I would probably get called into the principal's office. He couldn't fire me because it would be discrimination. The problem is that people living in Happy Valley are very judgmental. I know that parents would pull their kids off the swim team so they wouldn't be coached by a gay person. I could also get in lawsuits saying that I did something to some of their children, when in fact I didn't. The principal would then probably force me to quit somehow. There would be a lot of bad repercussion.

Out of all the people who could know on the swim team, I am glad it's this guy. He is one of my favorite swimmers and he always works hard. I also believe him when he says that he won't tell anyone and that he will keep it to himself. It feels kind of nice to be out to him so it's on less person I have to worry about, but I'm afraid it might become awkward for us. This morning at swim practice, we didn't have too much interaction. Although, the limited time we did have interacting was kind of weird. I wasn't sure what he was thinking anymore and he was probably wondering what I was thinking. He looked and talked to me the same, but I couldn't help to wonder what was going on in his mind. I'm sure this will pass with time and everything will be fine, if it is not right now. I think I may talk to him sometime about it. I'm not sure though. I'll have to see what happens. One thing I do know for sure is that I have a friend in him.

Real

-"Real" by Goo Goo Dolls

You read the news
Turns you inside out
And everybody feels
The same as you
Uncertain times
The onset rules apply
Caught in the blind spot
Of mirrored love

Can you feel
Real like you are?
Can you feel alive?
The way I feel your light
And the biggest chance
That we can take
Is so often wide awake
Hold me now
So we can feel alive
Tonight

I need
To feel you there
I want to know
Where I belong
And I felt the sting
The sting of corrosion
I need a safe place
To close my eyes
Can you feel
Real like you are?
Can you feel alive?
The way I feel your light
And the biggest chance
That we can take
Is so often wide awake
Hold me now
So we can feel alive

Oh, we were so lost
And there was so much more
Than you could bear
And I was cold in my defeat
You're alone and incomplete
When the sound
Could break down the walls

Can you feel
Real like you are?
Can you feel alive
The way I feel your light
And the biggest chance
That we can take
Is so often wide awake
Hold me now
So we can feel alive
So I can feel alive
Tonight