Shooting Drugs

I have started yet another medical treatment--it is the really expensive one that I talked about in an earlier blog. I had my first treatment on Friday and it was wonderful! I was in the IV Fusion ward (it is where chemotherapy and other drugs like that are given) of the hospital for three hours. I sat and relaxed in chair, read, ate, and drank tons of water. The medicine was not too painful but it felt really weird going in and as time progressed I could actually feel it in my system. It was a crazy feeling. I finished about 1 and continued with my day.

Friday was an ok day because the drugs were clogging my mind and causing severe headaches, nausea, and heartburn. I went to see Hancock with Salad, Drex, and Michael for Salad's birthday and had fun. Then I went to my brother's birthday party. I met a girl there who was a lot of fun and she seemed to be interested in me. I got her phone number and we text off and on. I think I will take her out sometime. That night I slept really well--it was the first night in about a month where I did not wake up in severe pain.

Saturday was a wonderful day! I felt so good. I have not felt that good in months. I did a lot on Saturday because I felt so good. My friend Traveller came from Salt Lake to hang out with me. Michael came later and we played, ate, DDRed and ice blocked! It was so much fun and so worth it. I did receive some injuries from ice blocking but it was nothing too serious (one is in the picutre). Then Calvin came over later and the four of us watch "Who's That Girl." It is an 80's movie with Madonna--I absolutely love her. It was a blast and a half. It was one the best days that I have had in long time. My mom got mad at me and told me that I needed to take it easy, but I had to play because I felt so good. I again slept really well the next night. Everyone also commented on how good and how much better I looked today.

Sunday was another good day. Church was ok and I was supposed to have a meeting with my bishop to put my service mission papers in, but he was in surgery--he had been in surgery since 6 that morning so I really did not care or fault him because he was helping someone have a better life. Then I read a lot and went over to Salad's and Drex's for her birthday. It was again fun and I ate pie! Something that I have not had in long time. I was still feeling good, but I started to notice something was a little off as the night progressed. I really did not think anything of it. Then I went to bed and slept the whole night again.

Ever since that initial feeling of something being a little off, I have been having some problems pop up again--pain and trouble digesting. Other than that, things are going well. I probably should take my mom's advice and take it easier which I am going to do. I did not expect everything to be better in one treatment, but I was really surprised with how good I felt the next day. I have another treatment on the 25th and I hope it will continue to my body good.

This experience just shows everyone and myself that things always get better. Just stick it out and take one step at a time.

One Step

One thing that I have learned in my life is that it takes one step at a time and dedication to get anywhere in life. I probably learned this best from swimming. When I first started swimming competitively, all I could think about was how hard it was. I, however, loved it and wanted to keep doing it. I continued to go to practice and I became better very quickly. I soon moved up to the advanced group, but this was even harder than before. I started to not like swimming as much, but it was because of the practices. I loved competing, the pool, and my friends. I soon started to not show up some practices and when I was at practice, I would make excuses and not work hard. Eventually my lacking of working hard started to show. I stop progressing and I started to slow down. I talked with my coach and she gave me a hard lesson. She told me that it was my fault and that I needed to just do the simple things like coming to practice and working hard everyday to continue to progress. I started to do this and I started to progress again. I rededicated myself and started taking small steps that took my on to bigger and better things. After all of my hard work, I became a state, far western, zones, and sectionals champion.

This lesson could also never be more true in my life right now. Quite frankly, my life seems to suck to some people because I have Crohn's Disease and I am attracted to men. Most days I am in extreme pain and have severe nausea and diarrhea. Then I am sometimes really horny and wanting a relationship and action with guys. It seems like a battle that I cannot win. Some people have asked me why I just do not give up. The answer is that it all comes from the lesson I learned of dedication and one step at a time. I take one day at a time and try to my hardest to make it the best day that I can. I could just sit around, do nothing, and mope about my crappy life, but I choose to continue to be active, go to school, work, and hang out with friends. If I let these thing bog me down, then my life will truly suck and I will hate life and probably God.

My advice for everyone is just to take life one step at a time. Sure there may be days where life is really hard, but there is always tomorrow and the hope for a better day. Do not give up on life. It will eventually get better despite everything that you might be going through right now. These past couple of weeks, I have gone through hell and back and it looks like after this morning I am heading for hell again, but I am not going to give up. I am just going to take one step at a time and try to live my life to the best of my ability. I hope that you will do the same.

S Club 7

-"Bring It All Back" by S Club 7

I absolutely love S Club 7 and this really brought up my spirits today when I listened to it in my car. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do! :)

Pain in the Intestines!

So it is nearly 4 am and I am awake. No surprise with how my life has been going lately. This is about the fourth week of a really bad flare up of my Crohn's Disease. The thing about this one is that it is also my worst one that I have ever had. I have severe internal bleeding, stabbing pain, burning pain, my mucosa layer is being ripped away from the other layers, giant ulcers, and sleepless nights. I also found out that the medication I am on is no longer working. That means I again have to switch--something I am not excited for. The new medication that I am going on is an injection in my abdomen that is similar in pain and viscosity to the "peanut butter" or gamaglobulin shot. That means that it is going to be extremely painful and fun for me. The best part about the shot is that it is $5,000 a pop! All of this is definitely the joy of my life right now! ;)

I feel so out of control right now. I have not been to church in four weeks because I feel like shit whenever I wake up or I cannot get out of bed because my body is so exhausted from my sleepless nights. I do not know what to do sometimes. I feel like I cannot do anything sometimes. I want to live a normal life, but I feel so hindered. I was planning on taking a vacation this past weekend to sunny California to relax, but it was canceled last minute because I started bleeding and the doctor told me not to go because I am close to being in the hospital. UGH! My parents have also banned me from moving out of the house again because they feel like my life is too out of control for me to handle it myself. I am pretty sure that I can handle myself just fine, but I am going to follow the wishes of my parent and hopefully get my life "under" control. Another sad event is that I probably cannot go on a service mission now, which is something that I decided to do and started to get really excited for. It makes me melancholy and feel out of control. I do not know what to do to help me feel in control anymore. I guess the best thing to do is wait and see what happens with the new medication.

I have also noticed a drop in my spirituality these past couple of weeks. I think it is tied to all of the pain that I am going through along with me not going to church in 4 weeks. There are probably some other reasons that are a part of it, but I am not sure what they are right now. I guess that I have to continue to have faith and hope for a better, more controlled future, but sometimes it is really hard. I am sick of everything that I am going through. I just wish it would all end sometimes.

In other news, I met a few new people this past week and I had a blast with them. It was nice to meet them and they helped me get my mind off of my pain and whatnot. I guess the secret is to keep myself busy and forget the pain--easier said than done seeing how it is summer break.

*NOTE: This post was not made for you to give me pity. It was needed for me to vent my frustrations. That means I do NOT want any pity comments because I absolutely hate people pitying me in my situation.

SSA vs. SGA

It seems like I am getting close to the end of my blogging career. I am not sure what to write about anymore and it seems like what I write about is useless to myself and others. This may change, but this is how I really feel right now.

I have never expressed my thoughts on both of the terms SSA and SGA. I have talked why I decided to identify with SSA in this post and this post and how SSA can be a gift or a curse. Other than those posts, I have not said anything about them. So here are my thoughts. I believe that Same Sex Attraction (SSA) and Same Gender Attraction (SGA) are separate terms and cannot be mixed, but a person can experience some of both of them. Sex is defined as the biological attributes of male and female while gender is defined as the social construction of male and female. Can you see the difference between the two?

SSA is about being attracted to the biological aspects of men. In other words, you are attracted to penises, facial hair, body features, and whatever other physical and biological attributes men have. It is the changes in puberty that causes boys to turn into men that attract you. SGA is about being attracted to the social definitions of men. This means that you are attracted to men that are so called "masculine," that can provide, protect, and procreate, and those who meet the social definitions that society creates of what men are supposed to be like. This is the "man code." It is what causes men to be men in society's eyes. As you can see, these definitions cannot be mixed. They are mutually exclusive, but all too often we consider them to be one and the same.

For me, I experience more SSA than SGA. I am attracted to penises. I love men with stubble-so much fun to make out to. I love the muscle structure of men, especially the "swimmer" body. I am attracted to men with body hair in certain regions, but it has to be trimmed and managed. Everything about a man's body is just considered hot to me. These are all parts of SSA. My SGAs are limited. I am not attracted to men that are more feminine than masculine and I can really care less if a man is super masculine, in fact it really turns me off if they are that way. Personally, I would like a healthy balance of femininity and masculinity. I am also not attracted to a man that can provide, protect, and procreate. I can do all of those myself and I do not need someone to do those for me. I would rather be the protector and the provider. I am also not attracted to most social definitions that are placed on men (there are too many to discuss here).

There are differences between SSA and SGA, but they can be both experienced. I think that the Church and everyone should see this and use both terms. I know that the Church mainly uses SGA and it should also start using SSA because it describes me and many others better than SGA. I know people probably think that it does not really matter, but I think that it does. I think that if you understand what you are attracted to and where your attractions come from, then you will understand yourself better. It may also explain why reparative therapy works for some people (those who experience SGA more than SSA) and why it does not work for others (those who experience SSA more than SGA). It may also explain why some attractions are linked to genetics (SSA more than SGA) and why some attractions are not (SGA more than SSA).

So I ask all of you the question, which do you experience more, SSA or SGA?

Random

So I am bored today because I am sick and have been near the toilet pretty much all day today except for the fact that I had to work--one of the worst experiences of my life because it was so busy and I was sick. :(

In my boredom, I thought I would do some searching on Google for fun. I love pushing the "I'm feeling lucky" button. These are some of the fun searches that came up.

1. MoHo: http://www.lostmarble.com/ (I am not sure exactly what this is)
   
2. MoHos: http://www.cdc.gov/mold/es/faqs.htm (Moho in Spanish means mildew, mold, or rust)
3. Homosexual Mormons: http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_lds.htm (Some weird movement that I did not want to research about)
4. Gay BYU Students: http://gaybyustudent.blogspot.com/ (One of our friendly bloggers, Michael--I think this is how I originally found his blog too)
5. Random Disease: http://www.microfiction.org/disease/ (Probably one of my new favorite websites)

That is all for the adventures in Sean's bored, sick life.

Rain

It has been raining here in Happy Valley for the past two days and I love it! I love the rain. I love making rain angels on the sidewalk, swimming in the rain, puddle jumping, running around trying not to get wet, the smell of rain, not having to clean my car, and watching rain drops hit puddles making the lovely, perfect rings. Rain, for some reason, brings back a lot of memories.

I remember when I was little and there was a really bad rain storm/microburst one night. My best friend, Malerie, was sleeping over at my house. Together we sat and watched the rain fall, the wind blow, the lightning strike, and the thunder roar. During the scary parts, we would grab each other and hold each other close. Now as time has drifted us apart, I still remember how close we once were and how close we could still be. Her mom hoped for the longest time that we would get married. This, however, is not going to happen because she is getting married this Saturday. I regret not staying closer to her these past years, but friendship goes both ways. We are still really good friends, but not the friends that can hold each other like we once were. It makes me sad.

It also seems like the first time I kiss someone happens when it is raining. The first two people that I ever kissed was when it was raining. Then a handful of others have also been in the rain. I enjoy kissing someone in the rain. I find it very erotic and passionate.

My last big race while I was swimming competitively was in the rain. I still remember being in Arizona in the middle of April. It was right before my 200 back when it started to rain. The air cooled and the pool started to steam. This was my favorite condition to swim in. It soon became my turn to swim. I shed my clothes and there I stood in my legskin with my cap and goggles on. The cool rain hit my body and I shivered. The whistle blew and I jumped in the water. I prepared myself for the start and I distinctly remember thanking God for my favorite conditions to swim in and asking Him to bless me with a great swim. The started beeped and off I went. I hit every wall and had great underwaters. My stroke felt amazing and so did my pace. I finished with a best time and placed really high. It felt so good.

It was also raining/snowing when I first told my first girlfriend that I was gay. It was an amazing experience. I do not know if Caitlin felt the same way as I did, but I felt the Spirit really strongly. I also felt God's love, Christ's love, and her love for me. With tears flooding my eyes, we talked about everything. She was there and so supportive. I still love her to this day. Sadly, our relationship has also waned. I wish that we could stay close and that we were as close as our freshman year.

I guess rain also reminds me of crying. I have shed my fair share of tears in life. Some of them were happy and sad, but that does not matter. Crying feels good and it makes me feel deeply connected with my emotions. It also makes me feel human and real.

I love the rain...