Sweet Little Lies

"Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies..." I do not know if any of you remember this song, but I sure do and it feels like this is what I have been wanting, no craving from myself for about 5 months or more now. As many of you know I mentioned on Sunday that I was drowning. I have had a lot of people send their love to me and shown that they have wanted to talk to me about it, but they failed to read what I said in my blog--I need a break. That included talking about gay issues, hanging out with certain people, talking with certain friends, and so on. Well, I have started to figure things out, but I still need my space. I also need to write some things for therapeutic purposes and that is why I am writing now.

Going back to Sunday... I talked with my bishop and we both came to the conclusion that I am not sure what I want in my life. Yes, this means that I have made my way back onto the fence. I hate to admit this, but it is true and sad at the same time. We also both came to the conclusion that I have been spiraling downward since I was rejected from serving a mission and that is what has caused me to land uncomfortably back on the fence.

What has lead me being back on the fence and drowning? Well, the answer is not very simple. There have been a lot of things that have been affecting me.

One is the lack of direction and goals. I am a very goal oriented person. When I was working on going on a mission, it was so much easier to forget about all my issues and it was easy to focus my attention on being good so that I could go. I did have my weak moments during that time, but I generally had the Spirit with me and a direction to go. Now, life is completely different. I have tried dating, but it has frustrated me so I have decided not to worry too much about dating seriously or even consider marriage right now. With that goal out of the picture, what other Spiritual goals do I have? None... I do not have a calling and I feel like I do not have a purpose right now. How can a set goals for myself and move in a forward direction when I do not have a purpose or a calling? I cannot. I have been trying to move forward, but I have been slowly forgetting to swim.

Two is not feeling welcome in my ward. I have been going to my family ward since October now because my parents have wanted me to stay home because of health issues. I have not had the desire to go to my stake singles ward because it is just like high school all over again and I personally hated most of the people in high school and I did not get along with them. That is why I have continued to go to my family ward. The problem is that I do not feel welcome. Nobody talks to me except my parents and a few old ladies here and there. My Elder's Quorum and home teachers can careless about me (I do not even know who my home teachers are and nobody ever talks to me in Priesthood because they do not like my liberal take on the Gospel). My Elder's Quorum President didn't even know my name until after being there for almost 6 months. Does that make anyone feel welcome? NO! It is so frustrating! UGH! Not feeling welcome makes me not want to go to Church. I would try to find excuses not to go and when I would go I would hate it and end up texting people throughout the whole block. I could not feel the Spirit when I felt like nobody wanted me there or wanted to hear my opinions.

Three is stopping reading the scriptures and praying. I know this is my fault, but when the two things mentioned above started affecting me, I really did not the inclination to be spiritual. Then I eventually started feeling guilty when I would pray and read the scriptures. That caused me to stop altogether. I prayed for the first time tonight in probably a couple of months.

Four is falling for a guy and doing things with him.

Five is wanting a relationship.

Six is lying to myself that all is well, when in reality I was starting to drown. I kept telling myself that I was doing fine. That I was being spiritual. Yeah, right! I kept telling myself that I was strong. I was putting on a facade with myself and with others. As I look back, I know that I care a lot about how I appear to people and admitting to myself and others that I was struggling was something that I could not do because so many of you know me personally. I was the strong person--someone people looked up to, the one who was going to stay in the Church no matter what. So I started to lie to myself and to you all through blogging and in person. I used to could write everything that I was feeling on this blog, but that changed. Then I used to could write everything that I was feeling on my private blog, but that changed too. Now, I am going to write everything on this blog. I am not going to lie to myself and others. I struggle just as much as the next guy or gal.

So there you have it. I am done telling sweet little lies. I am going to tell the truth and the way things are. This blog is for me and you all should feel luck that you can read this part of my life--the part that I do not share with many people.

Changing like the Wind

I am like the wind. I am constantly changing moods. It is amazing how quickly things can change and turn for the better or for the worse for me. These past couple of days have been amazing and then suddenly everything changed yesterday. I fell back into a depressed state of being. I just wish that there could be some more stability in my life. I would love to have longer periods of happiness and shorter periods of problems and depression. I again feel extremely lonely for some odd reason. I have great friends who love me and call me to do things. I still, however, feel emptiness inside and a huge void. How can I be lonely? I just do not get it!

God, what am I supposed to do to fill this void?

Where Do I Belong?

Here is yet another post on my thoughts as I have been depressed these last few days. I have been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks. It has really started to bother me a week ago and I think that it is time to post my thoughts and feelings on it.

Where do I belong? Do I belong with other people with SSA, SSGs, straight women, or all of the above? Do I belong with a man or woman? With the church or outside of the church (I am with the church and I feel like I am supposed to be with the church, but this thought keeps coming in my mind)? Will I always belong in my family? Will being "gay" modify me and end up defining me, even though I do not want it to? Where exactly do I belong?

I honestly cannot answer this question and I am even more confused over this subject than ever before. I guess I will just start spilling the beans to everyone. When I am with other MoHos, I sometimes feel like I am left out. I have a great relationship with Brady and Caspian. They are the best friends anyone could have and I do not know what I would do without them! I really do not feel welcome with a lot of MoHos and that they really do not want to talk to me. It seems like something terrible has to happen to me to get some show recognition from others. Also, people carry on conversations and I sit there. I try to get involved, but I feel like I am intruding and that nobody really wants to talk to me. I should say that there are some times that are great and I feel like I belong, but this does not happen very often. Do I actually belong in the MoHo world or somewhere else?

When I am with SSGs, it does not always feel like it is right to be with them. I do have a few good friends that I can trust and do things with (they do not know that I am gay). I have fun with them. I, however, feel left out when they talk about their girlfriends or women. It does not really work out for me. It is hard to hang out with them when they talk about women a lot of the time. It just does not get me going. They do go to clubs to go dancing and I go with them, which is always fun! :) Despite some of the ups, I still feel like I do not really belong with them either.

I have a lot girl friends. I have told a couple of them that I am gay and they are very special to me. They seem to be the ones that I really get a long with and who I really belong with. I am totally comfortable with them. We joke about hot guys and who we would like to kiss. We watch movies, go to parks, play games, and have a great time, but it still leaves a void inside of me. They just do not fill me up. They also remind me of how I am not a normal guy, even though they do not intend to. Is this the group of people I am supposed to belong to?

Then this brings up the whole marrying a man or woman thing. I am not sure what I am supposed to do in this field! Frankly, it is kind of scary for me to think about either of them. I cannot marry a man because it is against church standards, but marrying a woman is going to be just as hard. Depending upon my choices, my parents may accept or reject me. This makes everything so much harder! Who and where do I belong?

I have only felt like I have ever belonged to one group in my life and that was the swim team. Everybody was really tight and we all genuinely liked each other. We would hang out all the time and we could talk about anything. I never had worry about what they thought of me (except if I told them that I was gay, I am not sure how they would take this) and I felt completely comfortable with them. It was nice to feel this sense of belonging. It seems now that I do not have it, except with a few people. I know that there is "Somewhere I Belong" and I intend to find that place.

I guess I should say that I love everybody I have met and I am glad that I am able to get to know each of you better. I have decided that the void that I am feeling is knowing that all of my closest and dearest friends are leaving me for the summer. I do not have the security blanket of these people anymore. Hopefully, I will someday find "Somewhere [where] I Belong" and not have to worry...

Void and Depression

Ok, this is my second post today. I'm weird, I know! Today has been full of ups and downs. I guess I'll tell you about my day. It started off waking up at 5:30 to get to my final at 7. I was there early to get a last minute run through of my notes. I felt like I did really good on it! I, however, spent the whole 3 hours on it. I guess that's not a bad thing. I then went to sell back my books and got $121 dollars from all of my chemistry books. I was really excited!

I then called Brady and we chatted for a while. I went to the library to study and then I went to Brady's apartment to help him with his car. We went out to lunch and had a great time. Then we came to the library to study some more. Now, Brady is taking his test (I hope and pray that he is doing well) and I am stuck in the library being depressed.

I am really sick of studying and I want finals to be over! This, however, is not the cause of my depression (at least I don't think it is). For some reason, I have lately been feeling a void in my life. I am not sure what exactly this void is, but it needs filling. Everything that I do seems to make it worse. I do not know how to fill it. This pain is great inside of me and I do not know how to fix it and it is really bothering me! What's the matter with me?

Life is great right now. I am doing well on all of my finals. I have great friends. I have a great job. I am on good terms with my family. I feel the Savior's love in my life. I am receiving blessings in my life. The list can go on and on! Why am I so sad? Everything is supposed to be grossly great! Despite these feel goods, this is not how I feel right now.

I can feel for you AtP. I really just want someone to come and give me a giant hug, someone who will let me fall asleep in their arms, or someone who could just help me fill this void! It is so awful right now that I am about to cry. I don't know what to do! Will somebody please help me or at least will give me some comfort?