"Seriously, I Need Some Action"

I have been having an email conversation with my good friend Caitlin who is in London on study abroad and something interesting came up that I wanted to share with all of you.

She told me a story of all of her roommates (there are like 12 of them) sitting around and talking. They were tip-toeing around the subject of getting some sort of affection from guys and then finally flat-out said, "Seriously, I need some action." There are around 30 girls in her study abroad group and 3 or 4 guys--I do not remember exactly. So the chances of hooking up and getting some action are very slim unless they hook up with the locals. When I read this in her email, I laughed really hard. Then I thought that this applies to me and almost everyone too--unless there are some people out there who are never horny.

I need and crave action just like every straight and gay person in the world. I guess the problem is that I crave action from guys and according to the Church, getting action from guys is wrong. I have never had the desire to cuddle, make-out, and have sex with a woman. It is just something that is not appealing to me. I will give you two examples that have happened to me in the last little while. About two weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my straight friends--he is now on a mission... :(. I find him attractive and we were watching a movie at his place. I just wanted to get closer to him and cuddle with him. Then the other night I was hanging out with two girls. They are both fairly attractive and they are really fun. We went back to their place to watch a movie. We all jumped in their lovesac and cuddled. I cuddled with them because they wanted to do it. I did feel nice, but it was not something that I was craving. Another example is with another girl. She likes me a lot. She has been putting the moves on me and trying to get some action from her. The thing is that I do not want to kiss her or even get close to her. It kind of repulses me to be quite honest.

These moments when I get horny and crave action (it happens a lot) can be trying and break me down after awhile. After being broken down, I satisfy these cravings by sometimes going to masturbation and porn, but these are also bad and I personally do not like being addicted to either of them. They make me feel gross and out of control of my life. I wish there was an easier way to curve these cravings. Alas, there is not...

The moral of the story is that I am gay and horny. I need some action, but the place that I want action causes problems with the Church. Sigh...

Rain

It has been raining here in Happy Valley for the past two days and I love it! I love the rain. I love making rain angels on the sidewalk, swimming in the rain, puddle jumping, running around trying not to get wet, the smell of rain, not having to clean my car, and watching rain drops hit puddles making the lovely, perfect rings. Rain, for some reason, brings back a lot of memories.

I remember when I was little and there was a really bad rain storm/microburst one night. My best friend, Malerie, was sleeping over at my house. Together we sat and watched the rain fall, the wind blow, the lightning strike, and the thunder roar. During the scary parts, we would grab each other and hold each other close. Now as time has drifted us apart, I still remember how close we once were and how close we could still be. Her mom hoped for the longest time that we would get married. This, however, is not going to happen because she is getting married this Saturday. I regret not staying closer to her these past years, but friendship goes both ways. We are still really good friends, but not the friends that can hold each other like we once were. It makes me sad.

It also seems like the first time I kiss someone happens when it is raining. The first two people that I ever kissed was when it was raining. Then a handful of others have also been in the rain. I enjoy kissing someone in the rain. I find it very erotic and passionate.

My last big race while I was swimming competitively was in the rain. I still remember being in Arizona in the middle of April. It was right before my 200 back when it started to rain. The air cooled and the pool started to steam. This was my favorite condition to swim in. It soon became my turn to swim. I shed my clothes and there I stood in my legskin with my cap and goggles on. The cool rain hit my body and I shivered. The whistle blew and I jumped in the water. I prepared myself for the start and I distinctly remember thanking God for my favorite conditions to swim in and asking Him to bless me with a great swim. The started beeped and off I went. I hit every wall and had great underwaters. My stroke felt amazing and so did my pace. I finished with a best time and placed really high. It felt so good.

It was also raining/snowing when I first told my first girlfriend that I was gay. It was an amazing experience. I do not know if Caitlin felt the same way as I did, but I felt the Spirit really strongly. I also felt God's love, Christ's love, and her love for me. With tears flooding my eyes, we talked about everything. She was there and so supportive. I still love her to this day. Sadly, our relationship has also waned. I wish that we could stay close and that we were as close as our freshman year.

I guess rain also reminds me of crying. I have shed my fair share of tears in life. Some of them were happy and sad, but that does not matter. Crying feels good and it makes me feel deeply connected with my emotions. It also makes me feel human and real.

I love the rain...

Kiss Attempt #1: Failed!

On Tuesday, I took Caitlin out of a date before she went home to Connecticut. I have really liked her for a long time and we used to be boyfriend and girlfriend (we broke up when I told her that I was gay). Anyways, I wanted to kiss her really bad before she left, so I tried. I, however, failed. I am not going to go into details and all you need to know is that I failed. Caitlin did say to me that next Fall we can give it a try! :)

Hope is not lost, at least I don't think so...