Turn It Off!

"Turn it off! Like a light switch! Just go click!"

"Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes and find the box that is gay and CRUSH IT!!!"

Both of these are lines that are sang by the gay missionary in the musical, The Book of Mormon. I can definitely say that what he sang rang true for my experience growing up in Utah. There were many times growing up that I thought I could turn off my attractions to men. I tried so hard. I would punish myself for checking out the lifeguard, fantasizing about my crushes, or watching pornography. It was never physical punishment, but rather reading more scriptures and taking my fun time away. I was serious and I wanted to show God that I wanted to turn off my sinful attractions. I'm even sure that I tried to crush the "box" that holds my homosexual desires. Needless to say, I couldn't turn them off or crush bedazzled, glittery, and boa-lined box.

When the gay missionary was on stage, it reminded me of myself. He was completely dedicated to the Church and he fully believed that things would work out according to God's plan for him. I think that he believed, like many gay missionaries, that if he served God diligently during his mission he would be "cured" from this awful "curse" of homosexuality. There was so much dedication to God and hope for change. Seeing this, made me sad. It made me think about how many other young men are out there struggling and hoping for change to straightness that never comes.

Overall, I think the writers had a great portrayal of the struggle of being a gay Mormon missionary. I only wish they could have developed his character more, but he was never a main character.

Getting up on my soap box now...

If there is anyone out there who has so much hope for change to heterosexuality, I hate to say stop hoping, but it's the truth, stop hoping. It will never occur. What you can do instead is stay true to yourself. I'm not saying to throw away the Church and embrace your gayness or throw away your gayness (pretend to be straight) and embrace the Church. What I'm saying is take time to discover what you truly believe and what want in your life. This may take many years, but when you know what's true and what you want, stick with your beliefs. Also, always remember that it's perfectly normal to be gay and Mormon. Stay true to yourself.

Hello!

*Ding dong*

Hello! My name is Elder Llewellyn, and I'd like to share with you the most amazing book! (From the opening song, but with my name place in it).

Back in May, I went to see The Book of Mormon. I'd like to say that I absolutely loved it! I know that a lot of people in the LDS community have said some awful things about it, but I'd like to say that they have inflated their opinions to extreme views. Also, I highly doubt many of the critics have seen the show.

There were some aspects that I didn't like of the show. They all were around the vulgarity of some of the characters and songs. I felt that some of the things said or sang could have had the poor language taken out. That being said, I can see why the language was in there. People do a lot of swearing and for some it is just a part of their vocabulary. So it seems to me that the writers were staying true to the "missionary" experience. I've never served a mission, but I'm sure that some people who missionaries try to visit have run into many people with colorful language.

Now, here is why I liked it and why I differ from most of the LDS critics. It's true that the writers poked fun at our quirkiness (they also poked fun of a lot of sensitive issues), but we do the same with movies like Singles Ward. The truth is that we make fun of ourselves in the same way as they were poking fun at us. I don't see anything wrong with this because I was taught growing up that we, Mormons, are queer folks that are different from the rest of the world. It's ok that we are different and it's ok to poke fun at our quirkiness. The writers were trying to portray Mormons as a unique group of people and they were able to accomplish this, but it wasn't in a demeaning fashion. I thought that they portrayed the LDS Church in an excellent light.

Many people have said that they do a bad portrayal of the Church, but I disagree. The writers showed that missionaries, while they may be innocent, are going out to places like Uganda to try to better the lives of and to give hope to many people. Throughout the musical, it shows the progression of how the missionaries are changing the lives of a town. The people are no longer dismal and angry; they transform into a people full of hope of a better life and they are striving to better their lives. Isn't that what missionary work is all about? I'd say that these missionaries did a wonderful job doing it.

Other critics have said that missionaries aren't as innocent as was portrayed in the musical. I'd like to say that they are. I'm sure when missionaries are going through the MTC that there is some education of the area, culture, and "trials" that people face, but learning about them is completely different than actually experiencing them, especially when you come from the homogeneous state known as Utah or Idaho and the surrounding states. When the missionaries arrived in Uganda, they were completely horrified at the situation--they couldn't believe what was going on. The missionaries that were already there had lost hope in spreading the Gospel and were waiting until their two years were over. Soon the newbies had experiences that caused them to question what they were doing there. Each situation caused one to lose more and more faith because he didn't realize that the world was unfair. He seemed to imagine the whole world to be like the US, specifically Orlando. It took him a long time to realize that the world is not all butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows. Eventually, his mission companion helped him realize that the world is not always fair and that they can actually change the lives of a whole town for the better.

Finally, a lot of people have said that they don't show the correct doctrine. While this is partially true, most of what they say is true. The writers had to change a few doctrines so that people of other beliefs could relate and understand; however, these changes were not so far away from the actual doctrine. Imagine trying to teach someone who has no knowledge about the Church everything in a couple hours. Can you do that? Of course you can't. That is why they changed a few things to make it more "mainstream" Christianity.

Overall, I absolutely loved the play and I have bought the soundtrack. It always makes me smile. Also, I think that this musical and the current Mormon.org (I think) ads in NYC is giving the Church a lot of publicity, which could in turn cause more people to be interested in learning more about the Church.

PS There will be more to come on my thoughts about the gay missionary in the musical.

Gay Rights Movement? What Gay Rights Movement?

If there is a gay movement going across the nation right now, will someone please educate me? I don't see a movement pushing forward and changing the nation and society's beliefs.

This is my opinion of the whole "Gay Rights Movement." There isn't one. I know that people will say, "What about HRC or No Hate?" I say those aren't movements at all. They are very localized with no thrust behind them. In my opinion, these groups are not large or unified enough AND their supporters are a bunch of floozies that do not participate in their planned activities. In order for a gay civil rights movement to occur, the leaders of the groups must unite and learn from the examples of the original Civil Rights Movement and Feminist Movement. The leaders and members of these movement knew how to change the nation and the world. We must draw upon their examples (I'm not going to go in-depth on what they did, but I'll talk about the generalized basics).

In my Sociology of Gender course, I learned that in order to have a successful social movement the following three aspects are needed: leaders must draw upon frustration and discontent, the leaders must build upon existing social networks and organizations with social power, and favorable political opportunities. Then in order to form a social movement the following three conditions must be present: a precipitating event that creates a new consciousness among a group of people, that core of people organize and attempt to mobilize others, and that the people in the group have the same consciousness and desires. If we look at this criteria, we have already started a social movement. A lot of the movement started with Harvey Milk. First, he created a new consciousness among many LGBT people by showing them that they are equal members of society. Second, he ran for office, brought others together, and mobilized them. Finally, the people under his leadership had the same goals, equality. He started the movement, but with his death, it disappeared quickly.

Where does that put us now? We have part of what we need to start a movement, the collective consciousness. After Milk's death, the collective consciousness that he started has stuck around throughout the decades; however, the organization and the mobilization of others is severely lacking. This stems from the various organizations trying to get the movement going. Are the leaders drawing upon frustrations? Yes, but they are not using the frustrations of the people to progress the movement. I think they are using it as a publicity stunt to become social lights and nothing more. Are the leaders building upon existing social networks? Yes, but these networks have no power. These leaders have no social capital or power. Is the political environment favorable? Yes and no, because there are still some problems all over the nation with politics.

What are the problems with the movement? The gay rights organizations are not using their social power (well, the little power they have) effectively. Also, they are not mobilizing the people and the people will not mobilize themselves. After Prop. 8 was overturned, the west went crazy, but the east didn't even care or hear about it. There was relatively nothing in the news back here. I'll attribute that to the lack of power or the lack of using power from the gay rights organizations. In addition, I heard of no protests or strikes that went on the east coast after the overturning of it. Again, that is the fault of gay rights organizations.

Would you agree with me that the movement is not unified and mobilizing? Answer the four following questions and see if you agree with me.

Do you know where your local gay rights movement organization headquarters is?

How many of you would be willing to get up away from the computer and the comforts of your home to go on strike at your state capital or nation capital for weeks, months or years?

How many of you participate in publicized boycotts?

How many of you are willing to be completely open honest about your orientation (i.e. holding hands in public, kissing in public, having people at work know about your orientation, not acting differently around people who don't know about your sexuality, etc.)?

These are four simple questions I would like you to consider. I bet very few of you would do one or two of these, let alone any. I will admit that I would not participate in strikes and boycotts. That is me and my personality, but I know where my local office is and am open and honest about my orientation. I do not hide anything. If people ask me if I am gay, I will tell them. I act the same no matter where I am at in society. I am always myself.

Some of you are probably wondering why I am writing a semi-political blog then if I'm not willing to get involved in politics. The reason is because I am sick and tired of hearing people proclaiming equality and freedom when something like Prop. 8 was overturned. That does not make you equal. You must change society's perception in order to become equal, otherwise we'll be like the African-Americans after the Civil War and until after the Civil Rights Movement. Also, I do not participate in politics because I have yet to see a good organization develop with the necessary tools to cause social change. When one eventually rises from the dust, I may get involved (and maybe you feel like me so the movement will never go anywhere, but I am fine with my situation and my life the way it is).

Anyways, these are my musings. Take them for what they are worth to you or demolish me and my thought processes. I don't care, but this is the way I see the Gay Rights Movement, and I see it going nowhere.

Proposition 8

Before I say anything serious about the subject, I wanted to say that it is hilarious how when the ruling was made that everybody in the west was freaking out, but nobody in the east cared. It seems like more than land distances the east from the west... Anyways, now back to what I wanted to say.

I don't believe I have ever said this on my blog before, but I supported the No on Prop. 8 campaign. The reasons for this are many, but I will name a few and possibly elaborate on them. First, I believe that God brought us here to make choices and determine what is the path of life we want to take. Isn't that what Jesus fought for in the pre-existence? Satan supported control and making everybody follow God's will to get back to heaven or Satan supported letting man do whatever he wanted with no consequences, thus gaining salvation no matter what (whichever you believe... I've heard both and I am more partial to the second). However, Christ fought for the ability to choose, and that is what God wanted. He gives us commandments to follow through prophets and personal revelation, BUT it is our choice whether we follow these or disregard them. That being said, it means that everybody should have the choice to do what they please and not have anyone else impose their beliefs on them. I'll give one caveat, I believe this in full unless it harms another person e.g. murder, stealing, rape, etc. I do not see same-sex marriages falling into this category. How are they harming other people? I see no harmful causes and if someone does have a harmful cause, please enlighten me and prove it with scientific evidence.

Second our country was built upon freedom, specifically many of the people who came to America were looking for religious freedom AKA freedom of beliefs. People wanted to believe what they wanted without persecution. That is the main reason they left Europe. Our Founding Fathers then said that all men (and women) are created equal and have certain unalienable rights, those of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If people are not allowed to enter into same-sex marriages (I consider marriage to be part of the unalienable right of the pursuit of happiness), they are not equal. However, our Founding Fathers stated that all men (and women) are CREATED EQUAL and have rights. This would make LGBT community second class citizens. Does this sound familiar? African-Americans were considered second class citizens for thousands of years. They did not obtain their full rights until 1968. Even though we have come a long way, some people still consider African Americans as second class citizens (then LGBT folks are lower to some... I guess that makes us third class citizens or pond scum). If we are all created equal, have certain unalienable rights, and are free, shouldn't we all have the EXACT same rights? I believe so.

Third, different morals does not mean the whole world is going to fall apart and end. People have had varying morals since the beginning of time. This goes back to the choice argument. We have the right to choose what to do and what is best for us. Just because you have different morals than someone else does not make you inherently better than them. They might be one of the most anthropic person in the world, but they might smoke and drink. Does that make you better than them? No. Also, the whole moral argument does not sit well with me. Why isn't there a bigger push to outlaw smoking, drinking alcohol and tea, having sex outside of marriage, having children out of wedlock, eating too much, etc.? All of those are considered morally wrong, but the prophet and the Church are not spending a lot of money fighting all of those evils. It doesn't entirely make sense to me. Where is the logical behind creating a law against one moral, but not another?

Finally, my opinion is completely summed up in this simple sentence written by a close friend. "It is ridiculous for someone to think their personal view of morality trumps someone else's freedom of choice and equality."

I have more I want to write, but I need to do other things. This is to be continued...

Prop. 8 In Brief

I have some thoughts about the latest Prop. 8 news. I don't have the time to blog about it at the moment, but I will say that this hay-day, or gay-day if you will, probably won't last. You may see me as pessimistic, but I'm just being honest. If all of you think you are equal now just because of California, the truth is that we are not. That is all until I actually write the blog.

Shot Down With A Shotgun

In my Sociology of Gender class, we are supposed to write a paper on a gender inequality and then perform a "service learning" project on the paper. I decided to write my paper on the effects of conservative religion on society's view of homosexuality. The paper is actually very quite interesting and might post it here on my blog, but that's not what I am blogging about today. There is a group of us that decided to write a paper on some issue of homosexuality. Our service learning project involved having a booth in the Wilk and handing out information concerning the Church's stance on homosexuality. We were also planning on having a forum, which discussed the Church's stance and then I had a few people, including myself, that were going to talk about growing up gay in the Church. We thought that by doing this, we could educate some members of the Church and have an open discussion about homosexuality, which never happens in church.

Well, it looks like none of this is going to happen. We went to BYU with an outline of what we were going to present, basically information from God Loveth His Children. However, they didn't even like that. BYU wouldn't let us have a forum and they even wouldn't let us have a booth to hand out information. Some of my group are protesting and handing out fliers south of campus. I would like to do this, but I've almost been kicked out of BYU and I don't need this happening again right before I'm going to graduate in April. I'm going to form the flier to hand out. Anyways, I digress... It makes me sad that BYU and the Church is still sweeping this issue under the rug. All that we wanted to do was educate members. They could choose to listen or choose to come to the forum if they wanted to, nobody would be making them to do either. Oh well, I guess all that I can do is try. I know that having the gay and lesbian members of the Church speak in settings like this would help understanding grow and help those in later generations who are growing up gay or lesbian in the Church not struggle as much. I just wish that the Church would talk about this touchy subject more and show the gay and lesbian members of the Church that they care more than they seem to be showing us.

I know that this project and all of my hopes were wishful thinking. I know that in the past I was hoping that the General Authorities would openly speak about homosexuality in General Conference, but this has never happened. I bet that it isn't going to happen this session either.

Which One?

So here are some very rough drafts of what I would write about if I chose Crohn's or being gay/Mormon for my writing topic. I have been getting a mixed response so I thought that I would write what has been going through my mind and let you guys tell me what you think. Here they are...

"Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

I briefly mentioned that I have Crohn’s Disease in my personal statement. There have been many obstacles that I have had to face in learning how to deal with Crohn’s. When I was first diagnosed, I was completely debilitated. I could barely move because of how much pain I was in. Every morning was a struggle to get up, but I would somehow find the will to get up and go to school and work. I was not willing to give up on life because I was sick; I still wanted to live life to the fullest. The only way that I did not make it to school and work was when the doctor hospitalized me or ordered me to stay home. The semester when I was diagnosed was one of my hardest semesters in my college career because I had a hard time concentrating due to the pain that I was in. I also could have given up on my classes because I missed about a third of the lectures. Despite the challenges of not being able to concentrate and missing a lot of lectures, that semester was actually one of my best and I made the Dean’s List. After a year of my diagnosis, I started to become healthier and my Crohn’s was no longer active. This is because I learned how to deal with my disease. I had to learn to watch what I eat, be careful not to have high stress levels, not exercise with too high of an intensity, and pay more attention to my body. Even though my Crohn’s is currently in remission, I still have to watch what I eat and do. I have had to change my life according to my disease. It is a constant struggle, but I have dealt with it and will continue to deal with it. I will not give up on my life and goals because I have Crohn’s disease.

"Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

At a young age, I discovered that I was different from most boys. I did not fully understand why I was different, but I knew that I was different. At the age of twelve, I discovered why I was different; I discovered that I was attracted to men. This discovery was hard on me and I felt that I did not belong, especially because I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). Growing up gay in the LDS Church was a difficult one. I never felt welcome and that God hated me. I could not tell anyone for fear of being ridiculed and kicked out of the Church. My high school years were full of pain and loneliness. I was not sure who I was and where I was going. I also had nobody to help me through this difficult time in my life. I did know that I wanted to be a doctor because the medical classes in my high school were one of my only sanctuaries. At this time, I could have easily given up on life and accepted a mediocre life. I, however, had other goals and dreams. I wanted to create the best life that I could have and help others have better lives. When I entered college, I learned to accept myself for who I am and my confidence grew when I made friends and succeeded in my classes. As my confidence grew, I learned that I had a power to help others in need, that I could excel in almost anything I tried, and that life was not meant to be full of pain. These lessons helped me become the person that I am today and has given me the desire to work to help others because I know what it feels like to be alone and like nobody cares about you.

"I Need The Missionaries"

I was just in a study group in the MARB working on a project when all of the sudden a man came in yelling, "I need the missionaries RIGHT NOW!" I was really surprised and thought he was kind of crazy, but I started talking to him to find out why he needed the missionaries. He told me that he was hard of hearing and came all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to see the missionaries. I was surprised that he came out here. I told him that there were probably missionaries out there that he could have met with. He believed them to be "stupid" because they were not at a college and he wanted the "smartest" ones. I showed him where their office was and we knocked. Nobody was there. He started freaking out and I found a note on the door that had their numbers.

I called the Elders, but a Sister answered the phone... maybe they got their numbers mixed up when they wrote it down the paper (I don't know). I talked with the nice Sister and told her the man's story. He wanted to meet with them as soon as possible because he needed them. She told me that she and her companion could meet with him at 11 today. He was really excited. I have never seen someone so excited in my whole life. He looked like he won a million dollars. The Sisters asked for my name and number which I gave them and they politely thanked me for doing what I did. We then got off the phone. He then asked what time it was. I told him it was about 9:30 and that he had a couple of hours to kill. He seemed kind of defeated. I told him that it will be here a lot sooner than he thinks and that he could walk around campus while he was waiting. He decided to do this. I went back to my study group and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

It amazes me that he had the drive and courage to come out here from Nebraska because he wanted to meet with the "smartest" missionaries. He has to have a lot of faith to come out here on a whim to probably join the LDS Church. It makes me wonder where mine has gone. I used to fully believe in the LDS Church, but as of late, I have been losing parts of my beliefs. I believe in God and in Jesus. I believe in many of their teachings and morals. There are things, however, that I am having trouble reconciling.

Life is interesting and I love the random people I meet because they teach me new concepts everyday. This man who is hard of hearing and who traveled across the nation taught me today that you can never have too much faith in God. In fact, he taught me that you can never have enough.

PS I ran into two of my readers that I know from my younger years/junior high/high school last night. It was great! This is a shout out to Camille and Drew!

Broken Hearts

Albert Camus once wrote, "'Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.' But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"

I read this and thought of many different things in my life and my friends' lives. I think it gives an accurate description of life, pain, and growth.

Change

Life has been interesting as of late. I have been thrown into a lot of social situations with old high school friends due to homecomings, farewells, and running into them on campus. There have been a lot of people who do not recognize me anymore. An example comes from last Sunday. One of my closer girl friends from high school had her missionary farewell. One best friend from high school came back from his mission that week and I hadn't had the chance to see him yet. He was there are the farewell and I went up to him, told him hello, and gave him a big hug. He looked at me quizzically and said, "Sean, is that you?" I was surprised that my old best friend didn't even recognize me anymore. I also had a couple of others who did not recognize me. I am happy that I have changed and not the same as in high school (I think I am a better person), yet at the same time, I can't help to wonder if coming out has actually changed the person that I once was.

When I first came out to my parents and some friends, I told them that I was the same old Sean that they knew and loved. Is this still true? Am I that same old person? If so, why do my old friends not recognize me anymore? If not, how am I different? What has changed about me? Why has this changed occurred? I think that my changes could also be attributed to me just living life and living in different, most likely, harder situations than all of my old high school friends. It still makes me wonder though.

PS One of my blog stalkers from high school has put a link on her page to my blog and I am getting a lot of hits from her blog. Some many, in fact, that her blog is one of the number three from where people come. That makes me happy and I wonder if my old high school friends are finding this blog.

Avoiding Helping the Devil

Paulo Coelho

"- We are often instruments of evil when we try to do good - said Al-Fahid to his friend. - I always try to stay alert, but today I was used by the devil.

- How come? You are known to be so wise!

- This morning I went to the mosque to pray. Obeying the tradition, I took off my shoes before entering; when I was about to leave, I saw that they had been stolen: so I created a thief.

- But it’s not your fault - said the friend.

- It is my fault. It is so easy to arouse the bad side in our neighbor. It is so easy to annoy someone, spread discord, raise suspicion, separate brothers. The devil needs men to carry out his acts - and that is why I am to blame."

I follow Paulo Coelho's blog and he has some very profound writings on it. I recommend it to everyone!

This blog in particular made me think, "What can I do to be a better person and neighbor?" It is as simple as not passing judgment on others as was described in this blog. We all can be better neighbors by not passing judgment upon each other--we are all humans and we cannot judge each other very well because we do not know the others situation. I hope that I can be a better neighbor, friend, brother, stranger, and whatever else comes my way by not judging others.

Abuse

Abuse hinders normal development
Therapists face daunting task in treating children

By Lucinda Dillon Kinkead
Deseret Morning News

Child sexual abuse cases are some of the most sensitive faced by therapists because the daunting issues of a child's behavior, sexuality, appropriate development, peer interaction and family dynamics all are impacted with these crimes.

Doug Goldsmith is director of The Children's Center at the University of Utah, which hosts a therapeutic preschool for 350 children ages 3, 4 and 5. About 40 percent of these children have been physically and/or sexually abused.

The age group is — appropriately — quite interested in their own bodies, he said.

"So if a child is masturbating, it does not mean the child has been sexually abused. If the child is wetting the bed, it doesn't mean they've been sexually abused," Goldsmith said.

But committing sex acts in a way an adult would is not age-appropriate. "Committing oral sex is not something that comes naturally to a child of this age. Putting things into the vaginal area is not something that is normal," he said.

An examination of child psychology and sexual abuse also must consider the uncomfortable notion that the crimes are not always entirely unpleasant to the child.

"A part of it feels terrible to the child. It can make them scared and confused," Goldsmith said. "But a part of it can also feel good." In some cases perpetrators have created a "secret" or "special" relationship with the child.

So a young child who has been exposed to sexually inappropriate touching, behavior or pornography often becomes "eroticized," he said.

"They are preoccupied with sexual feelings," Goldsmith said. Problems increase when that child moves into elementary school years. "Many stay very excited and sexualized."

So these children, victims of abuse themselves, begin inappropriate contact with other children.

In some cases, a child who has been made to feel helpless through abuse may try to gain power and control by abusing another child. In other cases it can be an effort to create "twinship," Goldsmith explains. "If I've been abused and you've been abused, then we have something in common."

"So this is not just about finding the adult perpetrator," Goldsmith warns. "It is happening in our communities."

And it is happening between children. This sexualizing of very young children is the most daunting aspect of child sexual abuse, he says.

"This is one of the problems, and putting a stop to it is very, very difficult."

For this reason, Goldsmith encourages adults to supervise children at all times, no matter what age. No closed doors. No kids playing upstairs while Mom or Dad are downstairs.

Through counseling, child victims can learn how to soothe themselves and interact appropriately, he said. "But it's a significant, significant relearning process."

The topic also raises issues beyond criminal actions to this society's outlook on sexuality and the situations in which adults include kids.

Is it a wonder, Goldsmith asks, that our children are having trouble with appropriate sexuality?

In public, we've got Britney Spears, Victoria's Secret catalogs and Abercrombie & Fitch ads with teenage girls showing half their breasts, he says. In private, there is an "epidemic" of men addicted to computer pornography. "We really don't know what kids are being exposed to," he said.

"Or kids in the birthing room," Goldsmith laments. "Is it not confusing to a 4-year-old to see his baby brother born?"

Has it gotten out of hand with children?

"Absolutely," said Goldsmith.

With 50 percent of marriages falling apart and new partners coming onto the scene, children watch as Daddy kisses his girlfriend — or worse, Goldsmith said.

"Kids are watching incredibly inappropriate behavior between parents," he said. "We really have to take a look at these issues and ask: 'What are we modeling for our kids?"'

I have been talking a friend about the topic of abuse because we were discussing my childhood. I was a very promiscuous child. I was exploring sexuality at a very young age. I know that it started with masturbation around the age of four or five, if not before then. It then developed into having oral sex with my friends. He sent me the article above and it has made me wonder if I was sexually abused and don't remember it. I always thought that I was just a promiscuous child and that I curious--that I discovered what felt good. I have no idea anymore and I don't know what to think. Another strike against me for abuse is that when I played Barbies with my girl friends, we would have sex to make babies. Most children shouldn't know how to do that. I knew. I don't think my parents told me about it and I know that my girl friends didn't know what it was until I explained it to them. I never really thought about it because I have always had a curiosity for the human body. Maybe this curiosity is what drove me to discover these things or maybe I was abused. I don't know.

I was up pretty late last night thinking about my childhood. I was racking my brains trying to figure out if and when I was abused. It had to be at a young age if I was. If I was abused, I am pretty sure that it wasn't my parents--it would have been a peer. I don't know though. It hurts me to think about this because I became an abuser myself by teaching my friends about sex and sexuality. I just hope that I didn't hurt any of them and turn them gay like I might have been turned gay. The thing is that I don't feel like an abuser because I introduced the idea to them and they went along with it--I didn't force them to do anything. Ugh! This is so frustrating to think about.

Does anyone else have similar experiences like this? If so, I would like to chat. Please send me an email or comment here.

Does anyone have thoughts about this topic? If so, please share.

Swim

-"Swim" by Jack's Mannequin

You gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
Swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open yeah
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
For nights that wont end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers your friends
Yeah you gotta swim
For wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed is a flaw
The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the door
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim to brighter days
Despite of the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's an ocean to drift in
Feel the tide shifting away from the spark
Yeah you gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim

I love this song. It is such a wonderful message. There may be tidal waves that pull you down and try to drown you, but you gotta swimming. You have to keep swimming to survive. The horizon and your goals aren't too far away. You can make it. Don't let yourself sink... Just keep your head above and swim.

Simple Pleasures

I love simple pleasures in life. Tonight, I mostly did homework (not my simple pleasure). While I was doing my homework, I had a craving to make some cookies and play DDR. I did this and the cookies turned out amazing and I got my groove on with DDR. It was a wonderful evening. As you all can tell, I have stayed up way too late playing DDR and making cookies. Now it is time to go to bed and hopefully sleep through the whole night. I love the small and simple things in life that bring happiness and pleasure!

Ups and Downs

I have been having a lot of ups and downs because I am not sure what is going to happen in my life at the moment. There is the possibility of cancer and dropping out of school to receive treatment. The other possibility is not having cancer and continuing my life as normal. When I think that I might have cancer, I am mainly afraid. I don't want to die, I don't want to go through chemotherapy and radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to be in more pain, and I just don't want to go through it. It scares me to think that a 20 year old like me sometimes goes through this. It's hard and weighs down on me.

I have noticed that the more that I don't think about it, the better I am and not weighed down by the world of the unknown. I have tried to continue with my life as normally as I can and losing myself in passion for what I love. Passion and seeking my dreams is what keeps me whole and complete. It is what keeps me happy and helps me have a good outlook on life. Passion keeps the monsters of my life away. Life right now, without this passion, would be hell and incomplete.

I Hate The Fight for Marriage

I am personally getting so sick of all of the fighting over the definition of marriage and Proposition 8. I hate hearing people on campus talking about. I hate getting emails about how I should support both sides. I hate hearing people bash on each other. I hate how the Church is handling the situation. I hate how a lot of MoHos (and the gay community) are handling the situation. I hate getting facebook invites telling me to "say no" or "say yes." I hate getting into fights with friends about the topic. I hate seeing my friends and family talk about the issue and fight over it because they differ on opinions. I hate how much contention this is causing.

Why can't we all just be friends and be ourselves? Why can't everybody have the same rights? Isn't that what America is about, equal rights for all?

These questions open up a huge discussion on the topic, but I don't want to get involved with it anymore. I am sick of it! I want it to be over and I want to hear nothing about it again. I wish it would all go away.

Finding Meaning

And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.

-Julie Gregory, Sickened

I can relate with Julie. Sometimes you need to run away, leave the world, friends, and family behind, look deep within yourself to find out who you really are, and then build yourself back up from a clear broth becoming who you want to be without the influence of others.

On My Mind

I have a lot on my mind and I need to get some of it out so this post is going to mainly just be a word vomit of information for all of you.

First, I want to say that I am absolutely in love with school! I love my schedule of Biochemistry, Physical Chemistry, Molecular Biology, and two Physics classes. They are definitely hard and going to kick my butt, but I am excited to start learning again and challenging myself. I am also grateful to have people that I know in everyone of my classes. It is so nice to be an upperclassmen now and have that happen! School has also put me in an amazing research group! I have met only one person in it so far and I like her already. My first training session is next week and I will meet the rest of my research group. I hope that they are equally cool. I also love the sense of purpose that comes from being in school. It helps me formulate goals and drives me to achieve them. It also gives me a set schedule, which is something that I always work better with.

Second, I want to say thanks to all of those who love and support me. I know that sometimes I am not a good friend because I go into hiding and drop off the face of the earth, not responding to emails, texts, and phone calls, but I really do appreciate your thoughts, messages, and concerns for me. It is nice to feel loved. I know that I do not say thank you enough and I am sorry for that. I am working on being a better friend to everyone and I hope that I do not leave any one of my friends behind for feeling like I shunned them. I also would like to say sorry to any of those friends or people in general that I have hurt because of my actions. I am trying to be the best person that I can and I know that sometimes I am not very good, so sorry.

Third, I love getting random emails from people who read my blog because I love making new friends, even if we do not become very good friends. It makes me feel good inside. I recently got an email from someone new this week. He asked me a few questions about my life since we had some common background and I responded. I am still waiting for a response from him, but if he does not respond, I am fine with that. I just hope that he knows that I am friendly and willing to talk if he needs someone.

Fourth, I need more guy friends. I realized that most of my friends who I hang out with regularly are women. I do not mind this, but I need guy interaction. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by women and need some guys to be around. They do not need be gay. In fact, I think it would be better for me if I could make more straight guy friends. I think just hanging around guys helps me control my sexual tension and frustrations better. I am hoping that there will be some guys in my research group that are cool, would want to hang out with me, and who are preferably not gay.

Last, is a little thought that I have been thinking about. I have been asking myself lately, "What is my purpose here on earth?" The answer that I have come up with is usually different than the usual Mormon answers. Here is my answer (I made it more general to fit everyone): Man's purpose is to find out who he really is. The reason why I came up with is this is because most people do not know who they are, what they represent, what their passions are, what they really want in life, what makes them truly happy, etc. They mainly go with the flow and do what everybody else is doing, get into a job they do not like because it pays well, and other things like that.

That is pretty much everything that has been on my mind.

PS This reminds me of a song from the 80's, "What's On Your Mind" by Information Society... "I want to know, what you're thinking. There are somethings you can't hide. I want to know, what you're feeling. Tell me what's on your mind.

"Seriously, I Need Some Action"

I have been having an email conversation with my good friend Caitlin who is in London on study abroad and something interesting came up that I wanted to share with all of you.

She told me a story of all of her roommates (there are like 12 of them) sitting around and talking. They were tip-toeing around the subject of getting some sort of affection from guys and then finally flat-out said, "Seriously, I need some action." There are around 30 girls in her study abroad group and 3 or 4 guys--I do not remember exactly. So the chances of hooking up and getting some action are very slim unless they hook up with the locals. When I read this in her email, I laughed really hard. Then I thought that this applies to me and almost everyone too--unless there are some people out there who are never horny.

I need and crave action just like every straight and gay person in the world. I guess the problem is that I crave action from guys and according to the Church, getting action from guys is wrong. I have never had the desire to cuddle, make-out, and have sex with a woman. It is just something that is not appealing to me. I will give you two examples that have happened to me in the last little while. About two weeks ago, I was hanging out with one of my straight friends--he is now on a mission... :(. I find him attractive and we were watching a movie at his place. I just wanted to get closer to him and cuddle with him. Then the other night I was hanging out with two girls. They are both fairly attractive and they are really fun. We went back to their place to watch a movie. We all jumped in their lovesac and cuddled. I cuddled with them because they wanted to do it. I did feel nice, but it was not something that I was craving. Another example is with another girl. She likes me a lot. She has been putting the moves on me and trying to get some action from her. The thing is that I do not want to kiss her or even get close to her. It kind of repulses me to be quite honest.

These moments when I get horny and crave action (it happens a lot) can be trying and break me down after awhile. After being broken down, I satisfy these cravings by sometimes going to masturbation and porn, but these are also bad and I personally do not like being addicted to either of them. They make me feel gross and out of control of my life. I wish there was an easier way to curve these cravings. Alas, there is not...

The moral of the story is that I am gay and horny. I need some action, but the place that I want action causes problems with the Church. Sigh...

Affirmation Goes Public

This was reported on the news yesterday. I happened to be with some straight friends when it came on and they made some comments that were hurtful to me. I was thinking about coming out to them, but after that, it is not going to happen but maybe I should tell them to help them understand. Thoughts, suggestions, or ideas?

Here is the news report:

Affirmation discussing gay issues without LDS Church

By Sam Penrod and Mary Richards

A group of openly-gay members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints spoke out today after the Church postponed a meeting it had scheduled with them.

Earlier this year, Church President Thomas S. Monson assigned the director of LDS Family Services to hold the meeting, but it was postponed until a new director is hired.

Affirmation leaders say they did not want to wait until next year, and so they communicated their priorities at a morning press conference.

The Church reacted by saying, quote: "It has always been the intent of the Church to engage in an open and honest discussion with Affirmation leaders, to listen to their concerns." So, today's disagreement over the meeting seems to come down to timing.

"We were sent here to this Earth as gay brothers and sisters for a purpose in God's plan," said David Melson, public relations director for Affirmation.

He and other gay members of the Church spoke out about their lifestyle and their faith.

"We believe there is room for us in the gospel. We believe there is a place for us ordained of God in the gospel," said George Cole, director of young adult programs for Affirmation.

Melson says, right now, "gay members do not always feel safe in an LDS Church environment."

While the group is pushing for more acceptance in the LDS faith, they also hope their same-sex relationships will be recognized by the Church. The group wants better training for local Church leaders, affirming statements in the Church's General Conference and, maybe down the road, a change in doctrine.

"We also hope to convey that it isn't natural for a gay person to be celibate their entire lives either. While we do understand the Church's position on that matter, we ask that they recognize the significance or our committed long-term relationships," said Olin Thomas, executive director of Affirmation.

The group, Affirmation, claims gay Mormons are frequently shunned, some to the point they turn to suicide rather than face life as a homosexual.

"Being gay is a biological characteristic. There are physical, biological traits that seem to be the cause of being gay. It is not the fault of good mothers who raise their children in righteousness, and they should not be saddled with any kind of a guilt trip or blame," Melson said.

The group believes statements made by Church leaders in recent years have been positive in accepting gays in the Church. But they don't believe this message is widely accepted by Church members.

"I believe of the biggest gifts that God gave me was to be sent here in this time as a gay man. Being gay in this day and age, you have compassion and empathy for other people who suffer for others who are discriminated against," Melson said.

The Church responded with this statement: "The issues surrounding same-gender attraction deserve careful attention, not public posturing. It appears from Affirmation's actions today that it has opted for a public rather than a private exchange."

There is no word yet if that means the offer by the Church to hold a meeting with Affirmation is now off the table.

Statement issued by Church spokesman Scott Trotter:

"It has always been the intent of the Church to engage in an open and honest discussion with Affirmation leaders to listen to their concerns. When the Church was originally approached by Affirmation, Church officials offered a much earlier meeting date. The meeting was put on hold until August at Affirmation's request. The Church asked for the same courtesy as it hires a new director of Family Services, a position crucial to this conversation.

"The issues surrounding same-gender attraction deserve careful attention, not public posturing. It appears from Affirmation's actions today that it has opted for a public rather than a private exchange."

I agree with a lot of things Affirmation. I think that Church members can be better educated and more accepting of people like all of us so it does not lead to things like depression or suicide. I also believe that we do have a special purpose in life and that is why we have been given our attractions. I do not agree with Affirmation in its desire or hope to change the doctrine of the Church. In my opinion, the Church will never change its stance because there are firm statements from God talking about family and how marriage is only between a man and a woman. Changing the doctrine is also not consistent with the new pamphlet God Loveth His Children.