The Italian Stallion

I am so mad right now! This weekend was my birthday and everything was a hot mess until The Italian Stallion decided to be an utter douche bag. I need to give some background of The Italian Stallion so you all can understand why he's a douche bag and no longer my friend.

The Italian Stallion (further called TIS from here on out) is a colleague at work. He was one of my first straight friends in Frederick. TIS was very nice and welcoming. He starting inviting me to bars with him and other colleagues, and we quickly became close. Eventually, TIS started talking about sex with women, picking up on chicks, etc. I always came up with an excuse or just changed the topic. I asked another colleague who already knew that I am gay about coming out to her and the rest of her lab. She said that should be perfectly fine. I did that and TIS seemed to be ok with everything. Quickly, our friendship changed. He was no longer inviting me to events and texting me. Then he started avoid conversations with me. It became interesting, but I decided not to care because I have made other friends. Jump forward to this weekend.

I invited his lab to go out with me to celebrate my birthday. A couple of them wanted to go to a gay bar and club to experience it. He told me that he was going to Delaware this weekend and couldn't make it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed he was actually going to go to Delaware. Well, last night I come to find out that he did not go to Delaware and stayed home this whole weekend. Again, I decided not to care because I don't consider him a close friend anymore. Then he started texting one of the male colleagues during the evening. He was asking about the gay people hitting on my colleague, how weird it was, etc. That started to bother me. I didn't let it get to me and ruin my night though. Then this morning he texted a couple of my male colleagues asking them if they were ass raped last night and received HIV from it, because all gay men have HIV. That seriously irritated me. What kind of naive, conservative douche bag is he? It makes me wonder what he thinks of me. I'm guessing he thinks I'm a whore who has HIV and who is spreading it around to all of the heterosexuals. UGH! I want him to say something to my face so that I could confront him. I have A LOT I want to say to him.

As I have been talking to my colleagues, we have all decided that TIS is a closet gay. He is very homophobic, hypermasculine, insecure, touchy-feely (he touches everyone but me whenever they walk by him), never has had a girlfriend, and other markers. Also, TIS will not make eye contact with me for fear of catching the gay, but I catch him staring at me all the time when I'm not looking at him.

My question is what do I do? Should I just confront him about everything that is bothering me or should I just let it go? I'm not one to take crap from people, but I don't want to mess up work dynamics and have people start hating him and me. Also, if he is truly gay, I don't want to force him out of the closet when I feel like he is so very deep in it. Sigh... I wish there was an easy way out of this one.

Another Joy of Life

Here is another update in the life of Sean. It is not as fun as the last one. Actually, it is not fun at all. As many of you know, when there comes something challenging in my life, I call it a joy of life. Well, this is one of the biggest joys of life I have ever had. This new joy of life came from my doctor today. I went in and had all of my test results told to me. Everything was pretty much as I expected it. I am sick and all of my symptoms matched the results from the test. There was a little bit more this time though. The doctor saved this little bit of news for the end. It was definitely the most serious and traumatizing. In my CT Scan, the radiologist found cysts in my liver. He told it to me straight and I will tell you the same. I might have liver cancer. The results are not yet conclusive. I have to go in for more tests next week so I can get a yea or a nay. I do not want all of you to freak out and worry for me. There is still a chance that I might not have it. I just wanted to let all of you know.

Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed to have tons of problems in my life.

Disgusting

I had an interesting experience last night. I was with a couple of friends who know about me and they asked me if I had ever kissed a guy. I told them yes. Then they asked if I had ever done more and I again told them yes. They then told me that it was disgusting and repulsing. What did I do to deserve that treatment? I was just answering their questions honestly and then I get crap thrown in my face. I feel like I really do not deserve it, but I guess it happens and there is nothing that I can do about it now.

The problem is that it makes me wonder if I am disgusting or repulsive and this causes me to sometimes hate myself or hate what is naturally a part of me. They really did not realize how hurtful it was. Sure at the moment, I was able to blow it off and pretend like it did not matter, but the rest of the night I was wondering what else they thought was disgusting or repulsive about me. It is not like I go around telling people that their body makes me want to vomit or their face looks revolting. Why should someone go and tell me that a part of me is that way? I wish I would have been brave enough to speak up, but I did not. I just took it and now after sitting in a regional church conference and stewing over it during the night and that conference, I sort of feel ashamed of who I am and what I have done. I should not though. I should not look to the past and wish things happened differently. I should also not wish that I could be different and not have these attractions. I should live in the here and now and live life with what God has given me.

Does anyone else think that I am disgusting and/or repulsive?

Bleeding

Hey everybody,

I want to ask all of you to keep me in your prayers this week. I am bleeding internally right now and excreting blood (a side-effect of the medication and sometimes a symptom of Crohn's Disease). I have not gone to the ER because my family does not have the money to pay for another hospitalization for me. We are waiting to go to the doctor's tomorrow because we only have to pay $10 instead of $500 or more. I am putting my trust in the Lord and I pray that everything will work out. I ask all of you to do the same for me.

Thanks!
Sean

Shopping

Shopping makes the pain go away and I need to go again because it is back...

I'm an Alien!

Lately I feel like I am an alien. Whenever I go out, I feel like I am out of place and that I do not belong. I used to go out with these friends all the time and have a good time, but I do not feel like I belong again. Is it because I am moving on? Is it because I am alienating myself from most everyone else and it is just natural for me to be alienated with them too? Is it because I am too young to be hanging out with them? Is it because they do not like me? What is the cause?

I am lost on this, but I do feel like I am from another planet and that I do not fit in anymore. Any advice or hints of the cause?

In other news, I am very sick and depressed. That is all.

Changing like the Wind

I am like the wind. I am constantly changing moods. It is amazing how quickly things can change and turn for the better or for the worse for me. These past couple of days have been amazing and then suddenly everything changed yesterday. I fell back into a depressed state of being. I just wish that there could be some more stability in my life. I would love to have longer periods of happiness and shorter periods of problems and depression. I again feel extremely lonely for some odd reason. I have great friends who love me and call me to do things. I still, however, feel emptiness inside and a huge void. How can I be lonely? I just do not get it!

God, what am I supposed to do to fill this void?

When Something Goes Wrong...

Has anyone else noticed that when something goes wrong, everything goes wrong? I am definitely noticing it today and it is painful! I am not going to go into detail on the subjects leading me up to these feelings, but I will list them.

1. Attempting to kiss Caitlin last night ... did not happen
2. Many of my closest friends are now at home
3. Not getting a good night's sleep
4. Waking up late
5. Rushing getting ready and eating breakfast
6. Barely making it to class on time forgetting that we had to dress in issue
7. Not noticing the time and leaving my weight training class late
8. Running to Spanish class late
9. While running to Spanish class, I tripped down the stairs and sprained my ankle (it is now huge and I can barely walk)
10. Walking into class late with a limp and having to walk across the whole room to get to a seat
11. Learning Spanish ... it is not really happening
12. Finding out that a worker cannot work her shift and I have to cover during a class.
13. Getting 6 boxes that I have to put away
14. Finding out that you are almost out of money in your checking account and having to take money out of savings
15. I do not know what else is going to happen, but I have a feeling like I will be able to add about 10 more by 6 tonight!

Sometimes (dramatic pause...) life sucks!