Boyhood Dreams

I've been running away from life for about the past two hours. I finally came in because I was tired. I have never ran through Frederick at night. It is strangely beautiful and takes me back to simpler times. Simpler times where Frederick was the major cross road of a large highway in the 1700s and 1800s. I ran down the brick side walks, through Market and Church Street, and into Baker Park. It cleared my mind of the agony of the day, but now it is back. I don't know if I can rid myself of the agony I'm going through at the moment. It makes me wish for simpler times where my boyhood dreams would come true. Sigh...

I'm sure you are all wondering what I was running away from. I guess I should tell you. I was denied from 3 MSTPs (MD/PhD programs) today, which is over 10% of the schools I applied to. I feel like a ball of crap and that my dreams were fleeting... Was I ever good enough? Will I ever be good enough? What did I do wrong? Did I do anything right? What should I do? Are my dreams from my childhood and never meant to come true? I don't know, but I would like some answers to these questions I might not ever receive answers to.

I feel like I'm supposed to be a medical scientist. That why I moved to Maryland to perform more research and to further my career as a medical scientist. Is it in vain? People tell me I am supposed to be a medical scientist. Why can't the admissions committee see that? All I want to do is work at an academic medical center--teaching graduate and medical students, and performing research on the frontier of medicine. That's all I want to do. This is my dream, but maybe it's just that, a dream...

People will tell me that I still have 17 schools that could possibly want me... I realize that, but having 3 schools deny me in one day hurts; its some of the worst pain I've been in. I've broken down and cried multiple times. I cried as I opened every letter. I cried as I was running. I've cried since I've been home. I feel like my world is shattering all around me. That the pieces of glass are embedded in my body and causing me all of this pain. I need an escape, but no escape until I know that at least one school wants me.

Could these be fleeting boyhood dreams? Possibly...

Out of Touch

I feel out of touch right now. I really don't know what to do. My friend told me that he suffers from severe depression that runs through his family and would like me to help him with it. The reason he asked me for my help was because he felt that out of all of his friends I would be able to help him through the hard times. I agreed to do my best, even though I don't know a lot about depression. It's been awhile since he told me about it and I feel like I haven't done anything to help him. I'm completely out of touch. Whenever I try to talk to him, help him, or do something with him when he is depressed, he pulls away. I reach out to him, but he never grabs my out reached hand. It is extremely frustrating. I know that I shouldn't be frustrated, because it is his life and I need to let him come to me. The problem is that the natural doctor comes out inside of me; the care, compassion, and dedication. I hate seeing him in pain and suffering and then not letting me help when he asked me to. I want to help him become happy enjoy life to its fullest. I don't know what to do anymore though because I am so out of touch.

I pose a question for all of you. What should I do? I feel so out of touch and that I need to be doing something differently to help him. Also, don't give me suggestions about therapy and medications because both of those are already happening. I would really appreciate any advice.

Drained

I am completely drained; drained beyond comprehension. I want everything to be done. I don't want any of this anymore. I'm only getting four or five hours of sleep each night. I'm drowning in everything that I am involved in. I'm falling behind in classes, yet still holding on to good grades. I spend way too much time in the research lab, but I can't leave because I have experiments running that need my attention. I spent seven hours at a swim meet yesterday that should have only been three or less. Then the day before I had a coaches meeting that went on for three hours. I think that I've actually over-done myself this time. I am also sick of waiting for interviews. I have been questioning if I am a good applicant or not. If I am meant to go to medical school. If I can even handle medical school. These feelings have also stopped me from finishing my last four applications. Some are due the first of November and I need to finish them quickly, while others are due in the middle of November. I need to hurry and finish those. Everything is crashing down. Why can't this end? When will the madness stop?

I have a project that I should be working on at the moment that is due at eleven tonight, but I have no motivation. I haven't had time to work on it. I just want to go to bed and sleep. I feel like my purpose in life is lost. My passion is lost. I'm just going through the motions to stay afloat.

FML.

Confession...

So I haven't posted anything real in awhile. It's probably because I've been terribly busy, sick, and kind of depressed... I get that way when I've got nothing to do (when I was sick and now since I finished school for the summer). When I am lonely and depressed, I am a shopper. I just bought a new pair of jeans, a leather coat, two pairs of underwear, and some stuff for my computer. For some reason, shopping is very therapeutic for me and it makes me feel better. So I am going to admit something right now... Hello, my name is Sean and I am an emotional shopper (it's like those people who eat when they are sad).

Anyways, I'll get to a real post in a little bit. I've got somethings that I need to get off my chest, but first I need to talk to my grandma about them.

Shopping

Shopping makes the pain go away and I need to go again because it is back...

I Love It...

I just love it when a perfect day is ruined, NOT!!!!!!

I was having the best day that I have ever had in a long time, but then it was totally ruined.

Life sucks!

I'm an Alien!

Lately I feel like I am an alien. Whenever I go out, I feel like I am out of place and that I do not belong. I used to go out with these friends all the time and have a good time, but I do not feel like I belong again. Is it because I am moving on? Is it because I am alienating myself from most everyone else and it is just natural for me to be alienated with them too? Is it because I am too young to be hanging out with them? Is it because they do not like me? What is the cause?

I am lost on this, but I do feel like I am from another planet and that I do not fit in anymore. Any advice or hints of the cause?

In other news, I am very sick and depressed. That is all.

Life Sucks, Period.

All that I really want to say is that I hate my life.

Changing like the Wind

I am like the wind. I am constantly changing moods. It is amazing how quickly things can change and turn for the better or for the worse for me. These past couple of days have been amazing and then suddenly everything changed yesterday. I fell back into a depressed state of being. I just wish that there could be some more stability in my life. I would love to have longer periods of happiness and shorter periods of problems and depression. I again feel extremely lonely for some odd reason. I have great friends who love me and call me to do things. I still, however, feel emptiness inside and a huge void. How can I be lonely? I just do not get it!

God, what am I supposed to do to fill this void?

Void and Depression

Ok, this is my second post today. I'm weird, I know! Today has been full of ups and downs. I guess I'll tell you about my day. It started off waking up at 5:30 to get to my final at 7. I was there early to get a last minute run through of my notes. I felt like I did really good on it! I, however, spent the whole 3 hours on it. I guess that's not a bad thing. I then went to sell back my books and got $121 dollars from all of my chemistry books. I was really excited!

I then called Brady and we chatted for a while. I went to the library to study and then I went to Brady's apartment to help him with his car. We went out to lunch and had a great time. Then we came to the library to study some more. Now, Brady is taking his test (I hope and pray that he is doing well) and I am stuck in the library being depressed.

I am really sick of studying and I want finals to be over! This, however, is not the cause of my depression (at least I don't think it is). For some reason, I have lately been feeling a void in my life. I am not sure what exactly this void is, but it needs filling. Everything that I do seems to make it worse. I do not know how to fill it. This pain is great inside of me and I do not know how to fix it and it is really bothering me! What's the matter with me?

Life is great right now. I am doing well on all of my finals. I have great friends. I have a great job. I am on good terms with my family. I feel the Savior's love in my life. I am receiving blessings in my life. The list can go on and on! Why am I so sad? Everything is supposed to be grossly great! Despite these feel goods, this is not how I feel right now.

I can feel for you AtP. I really just want someone to come and give me a giant hug, someone who will let me fall asleep in their arms, or someone who could just help me fill this void! It is so awful right now that I am about to cry. I don't know what to do! Will somebody please help me or at least will give me some comfort?