Shot Down With A Shotgun

In my Sociology of Gender class, we are supposed to write a paper on a gender inequality and then perform a "service learning" project on the paper. I decided to write my paper on the effects of conservative religion on society's view of homosexuality. The paper is actually very quite interesting and might post it here on my blog, but that's not what I am blogging about today. There is a group of us that decided to write a paper on some issue of homosexuality. Our service learning project involved having a booth in the Wilk and handing out information concerning the Church's stance on homosexuality. We were also planning on having a forum, which discussed the Church's stance and then I had a few people, including myself, that were going to talk about growing up gay in the Church. We thought that by doing this, we could educate some members of the Church and have an open discussion about homosexuality, which never happens in church.

Well, it looks like none of this is going to happen. We went to BYU with an outline of what we were going to present, basically information from God Loveth His Children. However, they didn't even like that. BYU wouldn't let us have a forum and they even wouldn't let us have a booth to hand out information. Some of my group are protesting and handing out fliers south of campus. I would like to do this, but I've almost been kicked out of BYU and I don't need this happening again right before I'm going to graduate in April. I'm going to form the flier to hand out. Anyways, I digress... It makes me sad that BYU and the Church is still sweeping this issue under the rug. All that we wanted to do was educate members. They could choose to listen or choose to come to the forum if they wanted to, nobody would be making them to do either. Oh well, I guess all that I can do is try. I know that having the gay and lesbian members of the Church speak in settings like this would help understanding grow and help those in later generations who are growing up gay or lesbian in the Church not struggle as much. I just wish that the Church would talk about this touchy subject more and show the gay and lesbian members of the Church that they care more than they seem to be showing us.

I know that this project and all of my hopes were wishful thinking. I know that in the past I was hoping that the General Authorities would openly speak about homosexuality in General Conference, but this has never happened. I bet that it isn't going to happen this session either.

Coming Out In Class

Last Wednesday in my Sociology of Gender class we were talking about victimization of the GLBT community. We started off by talking about the different sociological theories of why the GLBT community is victimized and it was a good discussion. Then it started to get into some iffy ground such as how men choose to be gay and women to be a lesbian, that people telling them they were gay throughout childhood and high school caused them to believe they were gay, etc. People were saying these things I was either going to say something or walk out of class. I have a TA that I knew for sure was gay and is married in a MOM. He got up and came out to everyone. I didn't expect this to happen, but I guess he and the professor had planned this. They knew where the discussion was going to head because it has gone that way many times before. He started talking about doctrine of the Church concerning gay and lesbian individuals and people were not responding very aptly to it. He also talked about how most gay and lesbian people leave the Church and how they have the highest suicide rate. It seemed like the class wasn't understanding the whole topic, so I chimed in.

I raised my hand, was subsequently called on, and told the whole class that I am gay. I told them of my struggles going up with accepting myself and wanting God to take away my gayness because I was a sinner. I talked about the many nights I would plead to God with tears, along with my many sleepless nights. I mentioned when I finally came to terms with everything, I became happy and that I was allowed to become the true me, instead of hiding. I decided to start talking about how I struggled with the Church my whole life and how I still struggle with it, but even more since Prop. 8. I talked of how I didn't like going to Priesthood or Sunday School because of the hurtful things people said. I told them that I still don't go because of it. I also told them how hurtful and wrong it was to treat people the way most Mormons do because they are gay or lesbian. I told them that Mormons needed to be more Christ-like and accepting of everyone. During the time I was getting some weird and disgusting looks, whereas others were giving me looks of acceptance and partial understanding. It was interesting to see how the lines divided between the class and I could see it in their faces.

After class, some people came up and talked to me. They thanked me for sharing my experiences and opening their eyes. Others talked about how I shouldn't judge what people say because the Church is true and perfect, whereas the people of the Church are not and other topics like that. Some also came up and thanked me for what I said and that they were glad that there was an arena where they could finally hear from some and discuss the taboo topic of being gay. I also got this email from W in the class:

Sean,
I just wanted to send you a quick note to say thank you for what you did today in class. This has been one of the most profound classes thus far for me in my college career. I took a lot of guts to admit that you were gay today in class and even more to admit the hard times you are having with those around you. I find it particularly disgraceful how you were treated in church, and am sorry you have had to and continue to endure things like that. Your faith to me is outstanding and you are an example for all those around you.

I have a friend who is struggling with his self identity right now and I think he would be interested in sitting down and talking with you. As you probably know it’s not something he is just going to come out and talk to anyone about, but he has been looking for some to talk to who understand the importance of confidentiality. If you would not be opposed to this I will give him the option.

I would also like to let you know that should you ever need a friend, or simply a person to hang out with after church or school some time I would be more than willing to be your friend. I think you will find that I am a little more open minded than most people that live in Utah.

I know that this email may seem strange and if you’re really freaked out by it than just ignore it and move on. Never-the- less, again I would like to say thank you for what you did today, and I admire you for the strong person you are.

W

Overall, I think it was a good, adventurous time. I wrote W an email back and described how I felt like I didn't have much faith in the Church and how we should meet up for lunch sometime to discuss the topic more, if we wanted to. I also told him that I would be more than happy to talk to his friend. He responded that I believe in God and Jesus Christ and that is all that matters. He also wants to go out for lunch sometime. We'll see how it turns out, at least now I have a friend in the class. It was also nice to know that not everybody thought I was a weirdo and that people are actually accepting of me.

Sociology of Gender

I came out to my Sociology of Gender class today. More on this later...

Pressing Question

I have a pressing question for you all and would love your feedback on it. In my secondary applications for medical school there has been a particular question that keeps coming up that I need to write about or just say that it doesn't apply to me. I think it would be best to write something, but what I want to write about isn't the most conventional topic.

Here is the question or something similar: "Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

I want to write about being gay and Mormon, but I don't know if this is going to be too much or if I should come up with another topic. This is the only topic that I can really think of though.

I ask all of you, should I write about it or no?

In other news, when I sat down at a table in the library, the guy on the other side looked me up and down and stared at me for a couple of minutes. It was really awkward, yet flattering at the same time. I'm pretty sure he's family.

The Lost Little Duckling

As I was walking up to school today. I saw a little duckling that seemed to be lost from the rest of its family. My heart yearned to help it, but I knew that me helping it would do more harm than good. I didn't want to "taint" the duck with my touch (I've heard if you touch baby ducks or birds their parents no longer accept them). I took a picture and left it there. I hope it finds its mommy really soon.

Seeing this little duckling reminded me of my best friend Aaron. Recently, he found out that I was gay. Well, it was more that I've been hinting it to him for a very long time hoping that he would be ok with it once I told him. My other best friend Natalie (formerly known as Galadriel) decided to talk to him about Proposition 8 because she heard that we were in disagreement with it. She wanted to help him see my point of view and help him understand it a little bit better. Aaron then turned on her and asked he flat out if I was gay or not. She told him that he'd have to talk to me about it, but he was very persistent and she cracked. I was completely fine with her telling him. I've been meaning to tell him for some time, but the timing has never been right. I guess that I found out why. She told him on Thursday. He kind of freaked out, but he seemed ok about it. He talked to his parents about it and they told him their thoughts about the subject. They also told him that whatever he did that he should not stop being my friend (I was very grateful for their advice to him). We then subsequently talked on Saturday.

As we were talking, Aaron didn't seem like the same person around me. He seemed very tense and very uncomfortable. He asked me a few questions about if I have acted on it and was hinting at if I thought he was attractive so I told him that he was. He was freaked out by that comment, but I told him that he was my little brother/best friend and that I didn't have feeling for him and that I wasn't checking him out. Aaron then seemed to be ok about. He still seemed like a deer in the headlights, but I thought things were going to get better. Aaron told me not to talk to him about it for awhile so that he could process some things.

On Sunday, we went to see Natalie speak. I picked him up and I could feel the tension in the air. I gave him a note that I wrote him expressing some thoughts that I will talk about in a minute and we left for her church. As we were waiting, there was a significant lack of comradeship that we once had. There was no joking, laughing, and talking. It was all serious. I could feel that he was still uncomfortable with me but I didn't want to say anything that might freak him out. I sat there and pretended as if nothing was going on. On the way home, I tried to spark some general conversation the talks we heard, but it was still very limited and tense. I dropped him off and told him goodbye.

Next came Monday morning. We went swimming together like we do on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It seemed really tense again. I could feel his uncomfortableness seeping through his smile and see it in his eyes. It could have been the fact that he was nearly naked around me and thought I was checking him, but I'm not sure. I felt really bad for Aaron. Despite feeling bad for him, I always was really frustrated with him and Natalie for telling him at the wrong moment. After we swam together and showered, we parted and went our separate ways. I broke down in the car and was on the verge of tears the whole way to school and for the next hour. I wrote Natalie a nasty email, which I really regret and apologized profusely over. Then I started to calm down and feel a little bit better.

As I have done a lot of thinking and writing, I have to realize that Aaron is brand new to his whole subject. He has never dealt with it before and it makes it even harder when it is with his one of his best friends, someone he looks up to for guidance in life, and some he considers a spiritual giant and leader. I know that in some way he feels like I have let him down. I also feel like I let him down. I feel really bad and wish I could change it, but I can't. I am no longer the perfect Sean that he thought he knew. He sees me in a completely new light. Some of that Sean was a lie, but most parts of that Sean were the real me. I think that he needs to understand this, which will then help our friendship come back together. As of right now, however, it's very easy to get frustrated with him, especially since every friend that acts like this after I have told them have stopped being my friends after a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that Aaron will be different from these other friends and eventually see me as the same old Sean. He's a great guy and I love him a lot. He just seems lost and confused like the little duckling that I saw this morning. I'll just have to see how this all pans out and hopefully he'll make it back to me as a friend.

To end with some good news, this morning was so much better! It made me really happy. I could still feel like he was a little bit uncomfortable around me but it was as overt as it has been or his has gotten a lot better at hiding his uncomfortableness. We were talking and joking. It started to feel like things were back to normal. I think this was a big improvement for him, but he probably still has a lot to think about and come to terms with. I'll keep waiting for him to come to me or Natalie with questions. I don't want to push him.

Telling The Truth

I have had an amazing friend for a number of years who has never known about my deep dark secret, that doesn't seem to be much of a secret anymore. I have been slowly, but surely coming out to more and more people--it's very refreshing.

Last night she, let's call her Galadriel (yes, I am a nerd), called me and was distraught and in tears. I was studying in the library and I told her that I would come to her wherever she needed me. Well, she so happened to be at the temple. I made my way out of the library and found her in her car. We walked on the grounds talking about many subjects and thoughts that were on her mind. Eventually, we made our way to the back of the Provo temple and sat down on one of the benches there. As I was holding her in my arms and listening to her story, I kept saying things that didn't make much sense to her such as "one night can change your life forever." She wasn't getting the intent of what I was saying so I changed what I said around and moved off that topic. Then another topic came up and I started to say other things like "my life has always been different than normal Mormons and it will always be different," "high school was hell for me," "have you ever hated yourself for something that was a natural part of you?" and things like that. I didn't mean to say a lot of these things, but her emotions were mixing with mine because I really knew how she felt.

I then asked her, "do you want to know the truth about me?" This confused her at first because she wasn't really sure what I was referring to. She said that she wanted to know what I was talking about and that I could share anything with her. Then it kind of just came out. I told her that I was gay. I told her that I had been lying to her for many years when I told her that I had girlfriends when in reality they were boyfriends. I told her about how I've almost been kicked out of BYU and about how I'm not as strong in the Church as she thinks I am. I told her how she and my new best guy friend, I'll call him Aaron, have helped me be the happiest I have ever been this past year. Galadriel and Aaron basically helped me through so much without ever realizing it. They gave me purpose to life and they became my best friends. She told me that she loves me so much and that she was so glad that I shared everything with her. Galadriel told me before I told her everything that her new life motto is that all that matters in life is how we treat others. She is so much wiser than beyond her years and I am so glad that I was able to talk to her about everything. It felt so good to tell her the truth and know that I can always be myself around her now.

We also discussed coming out to Aaron and she told me that it would probably be a good idea. I've been toying with the idea for a couple of months now and it seems like now is an opportune moment. I also know that when I tell him that he will go directly to Galadriel and it makes me happy to know that she is on my side, no matter what.

Crushing

I recently told a friend last week that I didn't have any crushes at the moment. Boy o' boy has this changed. I have developed two crushes over the past week and it feels good to have these feelings again, even though they aren't going to go anywhere.

A friend of mine recently challenged me to talk to this guy I thought was very attractive in one of my classes to see if he wanted to form a study group. I have talked to this guy a little here and there so I didn't think it would be too awkward asking him to form a study group. Well, I did it and we have a study group going. As I have gotten to know him, the more I have started to crush on him. He plays for the lacrosse team here at BYU and he isn't Mormon--I thought it was weird of him to come here, but apparently we have a good lacrosse team and some of his friends were coming here to play so he tagged along. He is my age and from back east. He is hilarious, smart, driven, good-looking, and did I mention that he is totally straight... Sad story... he is definitely my type and I'm kind of sad. Oh well, such is life when you crush on a straight boy.

My other crush happens to be my MCAT teacher. I stayed after class on Saturday during his office hours to get help on something that I was struggling with. We then got talking and it ended up with me coming out to him. He totally thought I was in denial and was afraid to admit it to myself and he was surprised I had been out since I was 18. We spent the next 3 hours talking while he was helping me with my struggles on the MCAT. It was a lot of fun. We talked about this other guy in our class who is definitely gay and laughed about making him come out to the both of us. We also talked about me going to BYU, him serving a mission, and tons of other random topics. It was so much fun talking to him. During those hours, I really started to like him. He is such a great guy too. He went to Stanford, was on the track team, is finishing his masters degree, is applying to medical school, and tons of other things that really attract me to him.

There you have it. I'm totally crushing on these two guys and it feels good.

"I Know..."

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. Well, I guess I could say yesterday evening was interesting for me. I first went to my relatives' house for the traditional family dinner on fast Sunday. That was fine. I got to play with my cousin's kids and have a good time with the family--always enjoyable. I then stopped by Drex and Salad's to drop off their key after I took care of their apartment for the Christmas break. This is when it starts to get weird.

I get a text from one of my swimmers. It says, "haha Sean is a texting my bro... weird." I'll now give some background. His older brother is gay I knew him in high school. We have been talking for awhile and I have been kind of nervous since his brother could possibly find out. Continuing... I let that text sit there for about an hour. I didn't want to respond. Then I get this text: "oh btw I'm not dumb and I know... and I'm not a 'hater' I won't tell anyone because I'm also not a jerk... Just don't get mad that I know. My bro doesn't want me to tell you that I know." At this point, I had no choice, but to respond. I responded, "So how long have you known?" In reply, "about a week." Then I asked, "How did you find out? Your brother?" He responded, "You keep your life personal and you talk to my bro and then it kinda clicked plus my bro isn't too good at keeping secrets." I then asked, "Did you talk to your brother about it?" He then replied, "I did tonight and he said to ask you. But its cool." Now one of my swimmers knows that I am gay. I am ok with it. I would rather be out than pretending to be straight. It sometimes wears on me, especially with my swimmers. They are always bothering me about who I am dating, how many people I've kissed, my girlfriend's name, what she looks like, etc. I have been pretty good at pushing on their questions by changing the subject, but it wears on me after awhile.

I know, however, it is not good for me to be out to the team. I know that parents would freak out and so would some of the kids. Then I would probably get called into the principal's office. He couldn't fire me because it would be discrimination. The problem is that people living in Happy Valley are very judgmental. I know that parents would pull their kids off the swim team so they wouldn't be coached by a gay person. I could also get in lawsuits saying that I did something to some of their children, when in fact I didn't. The principal would then probably force me to quit somehow. There would be a lot of bad repercussion.

Out of all the people who could know on the swim team, I am glad it's this guy. He is one of my favorite swimmers and he always works hard. I also believe him when he says that he won't tell anyone and that he will keep it to himself. It feels kind of nice to be out to him so it's on less person I have to worry about, but I'm afraid it might become awkward for us. This morning at swim practice, we didn't have too much interaction. Although, the limited time we did have interacting was kind of weird. I wasn't sure what he was thinking anymore and he was probably wondering what I was thinking. He looked and talked to me the same, but I couldn't help to wonder what was going on in his mind. I'm sure this will pass with time and everything will be fine, if it is not right now. I think I may talk to him sometime about it. I'm not sure though. I'll have to see what happens. One thing I do know for sure is that I have a friend in him.

Valpal

This entry to going to be about my best and most favorite cousin in the whole entire world! Let's just say that I have always loved her a lot, but now I love her even more. She's the best!

Last weekend, I went down to Arizona with a bunch of my swimmers to a huge swim meet. While I was there, I got some sun, met an Olympian, had great fun, met up with my cousin, met her awesome boyfriend, and came out to her (this is why I love her even more now). The story behind my coming out to her was anticlimactic--I thought it would be. I have been thinking about coming out to her since I first came out, but my parents wanted to keep it on the DL with family members so I refrained myself. I finally decided that it was my decision whether or not to come out to her, not my parents, so I planned on doing it on this trip.

She picked me up for dinner and fun. We chatted in the car on the way to her boyfriend's house. We caught up on what what going on in each others lives and had a few good laughs. I met her boyfriend and we headed off to see a glass art exhibit off in the desert. Well, the exhibit didn't happen because it was already sold out--that was disappointing, but that didn't ruin the night. We then headed off to an amazing Mexican restaurant (I can't remember the name). On the way there, I told her that I was gay. She told me that she expected and that she knew because she has read my whole blog. We then chatted about everything... my past boyfriends, life, parents, future, goals, etc. It was really good and her boyfriend was really cool about the whole thing too. I am really happy that she and I are much closer now and that things are going well for the both of us.

Flash forward to this morning...

I received a text from her last night. I actually didn't get it until this morning because I was asleep--I went to bed around 9 because I had a rough day yesterday that involved spending most of the day at the hospital and getting a colonoscopy. This is what her text read:

Hey cuz. I stumbled onto an article today about a BYU art exhibit and to my surprise saw your cute face and your brother. I want to tell you how much that meant to me. When I saw those pictures I just cried. Sean, I am so proud of you. I think about you a lot and I love you so much. I'm glad we were finally able to talk.

This was such a wonderful text. I started crying this morning when I got it. It made me feel so good and loved. It makes me so happy to know that I can be so close to her. I only wish that she lived closer so that we could hang out and party. I can't wait until she comes and visits for Christmas. It is going to be a blast!

I love you Valpal! :)

PS I'm thinking about coming out to my extended family this Christmas. Does anyone have some thoughts or advice on it?

Being Honest

This is in response to a comment Molly Sue left on one of my recent blogs.

I have for a very long time decided to not call my attractions my struggle. They are a part of me and they make me the person that I am. My attractions are as part of me as my eyes are green, my hair is dirty blond, and my love for swimming. In fact, I do not struggle with them and have not done so for almost a year. That is when I started to fully accept myself and live my life to the fullest. God gave me attractions to men for a reason and if I hate and struggle with these attractions, I hate and struggle with God. I do not and cannot understand why, but I believe it is for a certain reason.

I have actually been out for a very long time and that is why I decided to start using my real name and picture. I have told numerous friends and some have been supportive and some have not. I am finally comfortable enough to not hide anything anymore. I used to be a little bit more conservative around certain people, but not anymore. I still will not make certain comments that totally out me, but I am much more open and honest than I have ever been. I am fine with this too. I actually really enjoy it. I enjoy the conversations I have with friends and family about the topic and I love enlightening them on the topic. Being out is wonderful! :)

About the term SSA, I use it more often than not because I do not like calling myself gay. I guess I could use the term homosexual (I sometimes use that). I feel that labeling myself as gay or a homosexual is too defining. I define myself as Sean. My attractions only make up a small part of who I am and if I use those terms too many stereotypes pop in people's minds and it can hurt relationships. I have had this happen before. It also seems better to not set up definitions for yourself because they can consume you and then you have problems with getting out of those definitions. I have had problems with that before and I have seen others struggle with the same problem. Those are the main reasons why I use SSA and define myself as Sean.

Taking Baby Steps

I have started the process of moving on. I have decided that I do not want to serve a church service mission. I just want to move on my life and I feel like it will set me back from my goals and not be very beneficial to me. I am taking a break from school this summer and I am working four jobs to keep me busy, but I do not think I will be that busy (if anyone wants to play, let me know). I am also moving in with a straight friend this coming fall. I really like him. He was my home teaching companion in my freshmen ward and he is great! I am thinking about coming out to him. I have thought about that for a long time. I am still not sure if I am going to yet, but it is a definite possibility. I have also decided to date as much as I can. I need to start looking for marriage even though I do not feel ready to marry. I have also decided to keep writing this blog. I feel that it is beneficial to me and I believe people enjoy reading it.

PS I love Madonna's new CD!

I'm Coming Out

I just realized that I did something really stupid. I just joined a book club that has a blog going and I became a contributor. Of course I was not thinking and gave them the email address that I use for this blog. I have a two choices I could make. I could change my profile around a bit and take this blog off my blog list. I do not really want to do that because people would not be able to reach me. The other is just let it go and come out to the whole book club. I think I am going to do the latter. I do not know if other people will look at others blogs, but if they do, so what? I am comfortable with myself or else I would not be using my real name and picture on this blog. So I guess that I am coming out and I better get this party started... :)