Turn It Off!

"Turn it off! Like a light switch! Just go click!"

"Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes and find the box that is gay and CRUSH IT!!!"

Both of these are lines that are sang by the gay missionary in the musical, The Book of Mormon. I can definitely say that what he sang rang true for my experience growing up in Utah. There were many times growing up that I thought I could turn off my attractions to men. I tried so hard. I would punish myself for checking out the lifeguard, fantasizing about my crushes, or watching pornography. It was never physical punishment, but rather reading more scriptures and taking my fun time away. I was serious and I wanted to show God that I wanted to turn off my sinful attractions. I'm even sure that I tried to crush the "box" that holds my homosexual desires. Needless to say, I couldn't turn them off or crush bedazzled, glittery, and boa-lined box.

When the gay missionary was on stage, it reminded me of myself. He was completely dedicated to the Church and he fully believed that things would work out according to God's plan for him. I think that he believed, like many gay missionaries, that if he served God diligently during his mission he would be "cured" from this awful "curse" of homosexuality. There was so much dedication to God and hope for change. Seeing this, made me sad. It made me think about how many other young men are out there struggling and hoping for change to straightness that never comes.

Overall, I think the writers had a great portrayal of the struggle of being a gay Mormon missionary. I only wish they could have developed his character more, but he was never a main character.

Getting up on my soap box now...

If there is anyone out there who has so much hope for change to heterosexuality, I hate to say stop hoping, but it's the truth, stop hoping. It will never occur. What you can do instead is stay true to yourself. I'm not saying to throw away the Church and embrace your gayness or throw away your gayness (pretend to be straight) and embrace the Church. What I'm saying is take time to discover what you truly believe and what want in your life. This may take many years, but when you know what's true and what you want, stick with your beliefs. Also, always remember that it's perfectly normal to be gay and Mormon. Stay true to yourself.

Crushing

I recently told a friend last week that I didn't have any crushes at the moment. Boy o' boy has this changed. I have developed two crushes over the past week and it feels good to have these feelings again, even though they aren't going to go anywhere.

A friend of mine recently challenged me to talk to this guy I thought was very attractive in one of my classes to see if he wanted to form a study group. I have talked to this guy a little here and there so I didn't think it would be too awkward asking him to form a study group. Well, I did it and we have a study group going. As I have gotten to know him, the more I have started to crush on him. He plays for the lacrosse team here at BYU and he isn't Mormon--I thought it was weird of him to come here, but apparently we have a good lacrosse team and some of his friends were coming here to play so he tagged along. He is my age and from back east. He is hilarious, smart, driven, good-looking, and did I mention that he is totally straight... Sad story... he is definitely my type and I'm kind of sad. Oh well, such is life when you crush on a straight boy.

My other crush happens to be my MCAT teacher. I stayed after class on Saturday during his office hours to get help on something that I was struggling with. We then got talking and it ended up with me coming out to him. He totally thought I was in denial and was afraid to admit it to myself and he was surprised I had been out since I was 18. We spent the next 3 hours talking while he was helping me with my struggles on the MCAT. It was a lot of fun. We talked about this other guy in our class who is definitely gay and laughed about making him come out to the both of us. We also talked about me going to BYU, him serving a mission, and tons of other random topics. It was so much fun talking to him. During those hours, I really started to like him. He is such a great guy too. He went to Stanford, was on the track team, is finishing his masters degree, is applying to medical school, and tons of other things that really attract me to him.

There you have it. I'm totally crushing on these two guys and it feels good.

Physical Attraction

One opinion of homosexuality that I have had over the years has started to change drastically as I have experienced life and talked with friends. I remember me saying that my attractions are so much more than physical and that I do not really understand why people are so caught up in the physical. I have discovered that I was lying to myself and to others and that others are lying to themselves too.

I hear people say all the time that their attractions and homosexuality in general is so much more than physical and that the deeper level of attractions (emotional, character, etc.) are what define who they are attracted to. If this was true, then it would be easy to marry a woman and we would not have to worry too much about having physical attraction problems in that marriage. It is easy to find a woman attractive in many different levels, at least for me it is. So why do we not marry a woman? The answer is simple than most people think--physical attractions play a greater role than emotional. That is why most MoHos are afraid to get close to women and start a relationship with them. They know that physical has a huge role, but then they lie to themselves in situations that involve men.

Physical attractions are what usually begin the interest in someone and start the infamous crush. A crush usually causes people to get to know each other or at least want to get to know each other. As the relationship develops, emotional attractions and deeper level attractions start to form. When these start to form, people start to throw out physical attractions. The problem with doing that is that people are lying to themselves. The physical is still there very strongly. The physical is what makes you want to cuddle, kiss, hug, and have sex with the person you are crushing on or in love with. If it is not there, we would not want to do any of those things with someone.

SSA vs. SGA

It seems like I am getting close to the end of my blogging career. I am not sure what to write about anymore and it seems like what I write about is useless to myself and others. This may change, but this is how I really feel right now.

I have never expressed my thoughts on both of the terms SSA and SGA. I have talked why I decided to identify with SSA in this post and this post and how SSA can be a gift or a curse. Other than those posts, I have not said anything about them. So here are my thoughts. I believe that Same Sex Attraction (SSA) and Same Gender Attraction (SGA) are separate terms and cannot be mixed, but a person can experience some of both of them. Sex is defined as the biological attributes of male and female while gender is defined as the social construction of male and female. Can you see the difference between the two?

SSA is about being attracted to the biological aspects of men. In other words, you are attracted to penises, facial hair, body features, and whatever other physical and biological attributes men have. It is the changes in puberty that causes boys to turn into men that attract you. SGA is about being attracted to the social definitions of men. This means that you are attracted to men that are so called "masculine," that can provide, protect, and procreate, and those who meet the social definitions that society creates of what men are supposed to be like. This is the "man code." It is what causes men to be men in society's eyes. As you can see, these definitions cannot be mixed. They are mutually exclusive, but all too often we consider them to be one and the same.

For me, I experience more SSA than SGA. I am attracted to penises. I love men with stubble-so much fun to make out to. I love the muscle structure of men, especially the "swimmer" body. I am attracted to men with body hair in certain regions, but it has to be trimmed and managed. Everything about a man's body is just considered hot to me. These are all parts of SSA. My SGAs are limited. I am not attracted to men that are more feminine than masculine and I can really care less if a man is super masculine, in fact it really turns me off if they are that way. Personally, I would like a healthy balance of femininity and masculinity. I am also not attracted to a man that can provide, protect, and procreate. I can do all of those myself and I do not need someone to do those for me. I would rather be the protector and the provider. I am also not attracted to most social definitions that are placed on men (there are too many to discuss here).

There are differences between SSA and SGA, but they can be both experienced. I think that the Church and everyone should see this and use both terms. I know that the Church mainly uses SGA and it should also start using SSA because it describes me and many others better than SGA. I know people probably think that it does not really matter, but I think that it does. I think that if you understand what you are attracted to and where your attractions come from, then you will understand yourself better. It may also explain why reparative therapy works for some people (those who experience SGA more than SSA) and why it does not work for others (those who experience SSA more than SGA). It may also explain why some attractions are linked to genetics (SSA more than SGA) and why some attractions are not (SGA more than SSA).

So I ask all of you the question, which do you experience more, SSA or SGA?

Attraction

I do not get why people put so much emphasis on physical attraction. I think emotional, spiritual, and intellectual attraction is much more important than physical! In fact, I have been noticing (as well as others) that I do not walk in a room and see who is the hottest guy there. People ask me who I think is hot in the room and I start looking around. They are then surprised to see me looking around. They wonder why I have not noticed before. In my opinion, People just need to look past the physical and see what great relationships they can have, even if they are not physically attracted to the other person.

There will be up and coming post on this topic. I just wanted to get this off my chest.