Unconditional Love From My Mom

My mom sent me the book, "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You," in the mail today. I cried the whole time I read it. This is the first time that I felt my mother's deep love for me in a long time. I called her to thank her for the wonderful book. Also, I wanted to tell her everything that I have been keeping from her. Sadly, she didn't have much time to talk since she was going out on a date with my father for a Valentine's Day. The message in this was definitely something I needed to hear from her. I think I'm going to start being more open with her now.

Grandpa

I love my grandparents so much. I can't believe how blessed I am to have such a good family. I came out to my grandpa last summer and it was a good experience for both of us--I had previously come out to my grandma when I first came out to my parents. He told me how much he loved me and that I was still one of his favorite grandchildren if not his favorite. He also said that he wished I did not have to live such a hard life--he worries for me constantly (about my health, my grades, my ambitions, and now my sexuality and place in the world).

Before I get into what I wanted to say about what happened tonight, I want to give a little background about my grandpa. He is not a member of the Church. He never has been and he probably will never be--he's really stubborn and doesn't like to conform. He used to dislike all of his grandchildren or so we thought until about couple of years ago when he first told me that he was proud of me and that he loved me. After that day, he has never been the same. He has turned into the sweetest grandpa anyone could have. My grandpa served in WWII and Vietnam. He has lived through the Great Depression. He also raised a family by running his own garage. He has live a long and hard life and I look up to him a lot.

I decided to pay my grandparents a visit today because I hadn't seen them in about a month and I missed both of their birthdays because of study groups. We started chatting and laughing. They asked me about my health, school, work, and things like that. Then my grandma got a call and it was me and my grandpa sitting there talking. We were talking about politics when out of the blue, my grandpa started to cry. I asked him what the matter was. He told me how much he admired me. This really struck home. I felt amazing after he said that and tears started welling up in my eyes. He told me that I have a good head on my shoulders and it saddens him to see me in so much pain with my health and general frustrations with life. We talked about this for awhile with tears streaming down both of our cheeks. Then he told me that he has always wanted to see me go on a mission and how much he knew it meant to me (he doesn't know the real reason why I didn't go, but it meant a lot to me to see that he cares that I didn't go). He also said that it saddens him to think that I might never find a wife to raise a family with because he was excited for my children and he wanted to see me happy like he and my grandma are. He knows that I am planning to stick with the Church and he's actually glad that I decided this. It just saddens him to think that I might be alone my whole life. After many tears were shed and various discussions about topics of the like, I had to go. I got up and gave him a huge hug. He told me that he loved me so much and that he was really glad that I stopped in. I then grabbed my grandma for a minute and told her that I loved her. She asked why I had been crying and I told her to ask grandpa (I have a feeling I'll get an email about it from her tonight or tomorrow). She then told me that she loves me too and apologized for not being there to talk--I didn't care too much cause I had a good heart to heart with grandpa which doesn't happen all the time.

I'm extremely grateful for my family and I love them so much!

The Love of My Life

Sometimes I feel like the love of my life is gone from me. She is still where she has always been and where I left her, but I have not seen or felt her for a very, very long time. Oh, how I miss her smooth edges, the solace that she brought to my mind, her sweet touch that embraced my whole, the way she could help me solve problems, the awesome workout that she gave me, her cool, yet warm touch, the beautiful sounds she made when she sang to me, the way she was my refuge, her amazing kiss, the sexy, little outfits I would wear when I went to see her, and most of all, her beautiful smell.

All of you might think I am crazy, but I miss the pool! She is wonderful and I am definitely going through chlorine withdrawals right now. I wish I had more time to go and swim. Hopefully as soon as high school state (Timpview is going to rock the pool) is done with weekend, I will have more time to visit her. She is wonderful and I need her more than ever right now!

The Quest for Love

I found another wonderful quote in Truth and Beauty: A Friendship, by Ana Patchett the other day about love. It is very interesting and I think that it equates with what a lot of MoHos, including myself once upon a time, believe.

Lucy thought that all she needed was one person, the right person, and all the empty space would be taken away from her. But there was no one in the world who was big enough for that. She believed that if she had a jaw that was like everyone else's jaw, she would have found that person by now. She was trapped in a room full of mirrors, and every direction she looked in she saw herself, her face, her loneliness. She couldn't see that no one else was perfect either, and that so much of love was the work of it. She had worked on everything else. Love would have to be charmed.

I remember that I once believed that love had to be charmed to. I felt that if it did not work out right away, it definitely was not meant to be. It was also so easy to fall "in love" with someone I was attracted to, who was another MoHo, and who felt the same way that I did. This meant, in my opinion before I changed it, that being with another MoHo was what was meant to be for me. That love was supposed to be easy, full of passion, and charmed.

I was like Lucy. I did not see the fact that love had to be worked on and that the love that was worked on usually lasted longer. About six months ago, I noticed this. I soon found myself loving some beautiful women that I thought I would never love because of the lack of physical attraction and passion. I found that there was much more to love than the physical attraction and passion. There was a deep emotional love for them. One that would not leave and one that I could not ignore. I was attracted to them in different ways than the physical and I still am. It was an amazing feeling to not be controlled by raging hormones and to know that I can love women and possibly spend the rest of my life with them.

I believe that a lot of MoHos and the rest of the world get caught up, like Lucy, in the charmed love that is shown in Hollywood movies. That love can take every pain away and that it is perfect. Love is definitely not perfect and charmed. There is a lot of work to do and it may not work out the first time, second time, or third time. The point is that all of us need to keep working at it to try and make it as perfect as we possibly can. Sure a mixed orientation marriage (MOM) is not perfect, but we must remember that no relationship is perfect and that they all need to be worked on. I believe that we should not give up hope on MOMs. They can work if both, the man and the woman, are willing to put forth the effort.

Love needs to be worked on constantly and it is not magical (I think that love can be magical at times though).

Logan, the Sky Angel Cowboy!

Wow! This was amazing and really touching. Everyone should watch this.

Love or Lust

"I love you like I have never loved anyone else."

I have heard this or something similar to it throughout the MoHo world many times. Could it be because you are finally attracted to someone or that you connect with them on a deeper level than you have ever connected with anyone before? The answer is YES!!!!

The danger of all of this is the fact that this so-called "love" is most likely not love at all. It is lust. I have seen, heard, and talked to many MoHos that have fallen in "love" in a week or a couple of days. These MoHos usually tell each other that they love one another and then it moves quickly. It starts with snuggling and cuddling. Then it can move on to rubbing and touching. Then they start to kiss and sleep with one another. This then allows for very compromising situations and it usually ends up with the "lovers" doing things that will cause them to have to talk to their prospective bishops. All of this can happen in a matter of days or weeks and in my opinion, this NOT love, but rather lust!

I am going to compare this type of relationship with the relationship of Jamie and Landon in the movie, A Walk to Remember. For those of you who have not seen this movie, it is a definite must because it shows true love perfectly. In A Walk to Remember, Landon and Jamie start out to have absolutely nothing in common and they come from completely different worlds. Landon cares about looking cool and his reputation while Jamie cares about who she is and she does not care what others think of her. After a series of events, Landon ends up spending a lot of time with Jamie. They soon start getting close and they become really good friends. Then Landon does some stupid things that hurts Jamie. He soon realizes that he is hurting because he has hurt her. Landon wants do anything to make her feel better. They soon mend their relationship and start to date. Landon is so sweet. He helps her accomplish some of her life goals and he protects her from the rest of the student body who makes fun of her constantly. He no longer cares about his reputation. He only cares about her and her happiness. Jamie decides to tell Landon that she has leukemia. Landon could have cut and run, but he did not. He stays with her to the end and actually marries her.

They have a perfect love for each other and it is definitely not lust. Their relationship is something more. It is not about sex, making out, and whatever else could happen between them. Those aspects are not even a big part in their relationship. It is about getting to know each other and making each other happy. It eventually becomes all about marriage and that is something that is a healthy step in any relationship that is about the perfect and pure love.

Then you also see the "older" (from Beck) MoHos and a recent "young" MoHo (Drex) get married. The "older" MoHos have a true love for their wives too. They would never do any "gay" actions to hurt their wife and ruin their marriage. Drex and Salad are a good example of people our age finding true love. I see how much they love each other, how they support each other, and how they try not to do anything to hurt one another. These are more examples of true love. Just talk to any of them and you can see the pure love that they have for each other.

There are also straight Mormon couples in our lives who are true and faithful to one another. They go through their dating and engagement periods without doing anything. They make it to the temple and they get married. Then they are allowed to perform the sacred action of procreation together. If a straight Mormon couple was having sex or doing any sort of promiscuous things before marriage, they would not go to the temple. This is definitely not true love for one another if they are Mormon. They are most likely lusting after each other. My guess that a lot of us would be disgusted with this, so why should we have a double standard when it comes to us?

I know a lot of MoHos who look down upon those who only get married because of looks and the desire for sex. Then they go off and do their own things. This can get them in trouble with the church, but they do not seem to care. This is very hypocritical, in my opinion. You should hold the same standards that you hold for others. Just because you deal with same-sex attraction does not mean that you have different standards. You need to find true love instead of lust too!

I personally do not hold any bad feelings to any of you that choose another path than the church. I suggest that you find a true and pure love like Jamie and Landon, the MoHos that have gotten married, and the straight couples who do not do anything until they are married have. If you lust after another guy, do things that are not up to church standards, and then want to get back in the church again, I can truthfully say that it is a hard road back. If you truly love someone you would try to do everything in your power to NEVER hurt them (this in my opinion is doing things that can hurt their standards in the church and pushing them away from the teachings of the church)! Think about what you are doing and think about your "love" for this other person. Take it slow and see if it is really what you both want. Do not rush into your lust for one another and be careful not to become MoHo whores or I guess MoHoHos (thanks Drex).

This does not change my feelings on the relaxed state of the MoHo world. I know a lot of you personally and I know that a lot of you want to stay true to the church. Why stay in this relaxed state and hurt your chance for salvation? Things need to change. I am fine with snuggling and what not, but NCMOs and other actions that go too far are not good because they lead to feelings for one another and then into these lust relationships and then MoHoHos. Be careful and think about what you are doing.

Do not do anything that would ever hurt the one that you "love!"

Note: I made a few changes in the blog thanks to McKenzie. I would just like to apologize for saying that those who are promiscuous before marriage do not have true love for each other. I think that this is only true if they are Mormon because they are working on a Celestial marriage and premarital relations are not allowed (they cause damage and are not good). In writing this blog I was thinking only about Mormons and not others so if I offended anyone, including you McKenzie, I am sorry. I hope that you can forgive me.

New Moon

"'You try very hard to make up for something that was never your fault,' I suggested while a new kind of tugging started at the edges of my skin. 'What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good.'

"'I don't know that I'm making up for anything,' he disagreed lightly. 'Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given.'

...

"'I'm sure all this sounds a little bizarre, coming from a vampire.' He grinned, knowing how their casual use of that word never failed to shock me. 'But I'm hoping that there is still a point to this life, even for us. It's a long shot, I'll admit,' he continued in an offhand voice. 'By all accounts, we're damned regardless. But I hope, maybe foolishly, that we'll get some measure of credit for trying.'"

-An excerpt from New Moon, by Stephenie Meyer (pp. 35-37)

All that I can say is wow! I really connected with the passage in the novel. It touched me spiritually and let me know that I am doing the right thing by staying in the church. It is always nice to get this revelation every once in awhile.

Bella really hit me hard with the question, "What I mean is, it's not like you asked for this. You didn't choose this kind of life, and yet you have to work so hard to be good." Then I loved Dr. Carlisle Cullen's response, "Like everything in life, I just had to decide what to do with what I was given."

This is so true in my life. I have made my decision and I do not think that I will back down from it (only time can tell if this is true, but it seems like it will never happen). I decided to stay in the church and at the same time deal with SSA. Instead of "going gay" and leaving the church for good. Like Carlisle, I believe that there is a greater purpose in my life and I will be able to handle my purpose in life because of the trials that I have gone through with SSA. We will get credit for trying and we will be blessed.

Never give up hope. God loves you because of who you are and what you can do. Sure you may make some mistakes every now and then, but it is for your betterment. You will grow and become what God wants you to become as long as you put your faith and trust in him.

Remember that God will always love you because you are his child; no matter what you have decided to do with your life with what you have been given. He loves you...

Sunday School Wisdom

As I sat in Sunday School today, I was very heavily impressed by a lot of the things that were said. Here are some verses that really touched me. It is in Romans 8:35-39.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, for thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God will love us no matter what happens to us, always remember that! He will be there for you in the hardest of times, He has been there for you in the hardest of times, and He is here right now for you. You just have to call upon His holy name and He will help you because He loves you.

Things That I Love

This is just a list of some different things that I love:

1. Swimming, because there is nothing better than pushing yourself to your limits, feeling dead after you do it, and feeling sense of accomplishment.
2. Shopping, because nothing beats good clothes and the new clothes' smell.
3. Singing, because it is ever so much fun to blast music on the stereo and sing-a-long to it.
4. Cooking, because nothing tastes better than a good home cooked meal.
5. Scary Movies, because you get a thrill and a laugh.
6. Chick Flicks, because they make me laugh and the stories are usually magnificent.
7. Final Fantasy X, because it is a good get-a-way for me.
8. Laughing, because having a good laugh always makes you feel better.
9. Meeting New People, because there is always a mystery of how things are going to turn out.
10. Talking to my Parents, because they always know the right things to say and they are usually very supporting.
11. Receiving a Blessing from a Good Friend, because they always seem to know you pretty well and they always know the right things to say.
12. Wearing Good Cologne, because it is always nice to get compliments on how nice you smell.
13. Walking, Swimming, Running, and Biking in the Rain, because it feel so refreshing and it is not something that you can do everyday.
14. Wearing the Color Green, because it is my favorite color and I also look amazing in it!
15. Getting a Big Hug, because it always makes you feel a little bit better.
16. Going Clubbing (Especially 80's Dancing), because it is fun, full of aerobic exercise, friends are there, and you can meet new people.
17. Getting a Good Grade on a Test, because nothing says accomplishment like an "A."
18. Talking with Relatives, because there are so many different memories and things that you can talk about.
19. Having an Annoying Brother, because there is never a dull moment in my house.
20. Having Good Friends, because I know that they care about me and that they like me for me.

Attraction

I do not get why people put so much emphasis on physical attraction. I think emotional, spiritual, and intellectual attraction is much more important than physical! In fact, I have been noticing (as well as others) that I do not walk in a room and see who is the hottest guy there. People ask me who I think is hot in the room and I start looking around. They are then surprised to see me looking around. They wonder why I have not noticed before. In my opinion, People just need to look past the physical and see what great relationships they can have, even if they are not physically attracted to the other person.

There will be up and coming post on this topic. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

What is Love?

I have been having interesting talks with my bishop lately on love. They have been interesting to say the least. This is a new bishop (this is not the same one who was helping me originally because i changed wards). My last bishop told me that I should be completely honest with my new bishop and tell him everything, if I felt the need to. I felt like I should tell my new bishop everything so he could better understand exactly what I was going through. This has helped him understand me a lot better and what I like best about him is that he is very non-judgmental.

Lately I have been struggling with the topic of love. I have wondered many times about how I could love a man and it be wrong. I thought that love came from God. Love does not come from Satan because only evil comes from Satan. I personally do not see love as evil (sorry if some of you think that). I went to my bishop and told him how I feel and I gave him my case (it was a lot more complicated than what I described above). He was dumbfounded after I gave him my case. He really did not know what to say. The first thing he said was that it was interesting that I said that love does not come from Satan. He agreed with me on this, but he then asked the one question that strikes fear into many hearts...

He asked me, "What is love?" He then gave me a lengthy explanation about how lust can be misinterpreted as love and how lust is not the way. Being my usual feisty self, I retorted and told him that it definitely was not lust. He then asked me the question again, "What is love?" I then gave him my definition (you can see more of it on this post). I told him that I never wanted to do anything to hurt someone I loved, that I wanted what was best for them, that I would try to give up everything if I could help them, that I loved spending time with them and when they were gone I was sad, that when they are sad, I am sad, and that these is a sexual component of love with some people. He said that this definition is one that he would give of love. He agreed with me that I was not lusting after a man.

Then we had a conversation about dating and everything. I really do not want to go into that because that is for another post, if I choose to write about it. It makes me wonder though if this "gay" love is bad. According to my bishop, I am not lusting after someone. This adds another interesting twist to everything. He did tell me that if I decided to pursue a relationship (a social one) that I would have to be extremely careful for it not to develop into a sexual relationship, which would take my chance of going on a mission away. I am not sure if I am going to try dating again, but it was just something interest I thought I would throw out there.

Pure Love

I was going to write about my six experiences of getting hit on by gay men (before I was out and before I officially decided that I was gay), but I think that I want to share it another time. There has been something more pertinent on my mind. It is something that is deep inside and it seems to never go away. I do not know if anyone has felt like this before, but I know that I have. It is something stronger than anything that I have ever felt before in my life. It is a true and pure love for my friends. I think I somewhat know how Christ feels towards all of us, but there is no possible way that I could ever compare my love for others to His love for others.

As some of you know, I broke down on last Tuesday night. I totally freaked out and basically fell really far from where I was. If I did not have my amazing friends to lift me up, I really do not know where I would be. God has blessed me with wonderful people whom I love a lot and who love me a lot! Calvin, Salad, Drex, Hidden, Romulus, Brady, Caitlin, EvadingOdd (or just Odd now), Danish Boy, and many others, you are all amazing! You brought me up when Satan was kicking me down. You helped mend my bruised and broken heart, soul, and body. I cannot express my gratitude for you and I just want you to know that it is on the deepest level. This is where I come to my understanding pure love.

We all hear from the scriptures that Charity is the pure love of Christ and many other things about Christ's pure love for us. What exactly is pure love? My definition of pure love is a love with no conditions upon which it is predicated. You love someone because you genuinely care for their welfare and you want to help the succeed. Pure love is also never wanting to do something to hurt someone and bring them down. Pure love is the highest level of love and it is something that we all need to work on having more of. Now, back to my experiences.

I always felt like I had some sort of pure love because the way I feel for Logan, but I have never understood it as much as I do now. During my break down, I asked Calvin and Drex to give me a blessing. Let me just say that it was just what I needed and it was perfect! Thanks guys! Thanks Salad for writing it down because I read it every morning when I wake up. In the blessing was said some wonderful things about me and my friends (they are much to sacred for me to share) and this has helped me realize the love I have for my friends.

When I first jumped into the MoHo world, I was really scared that they were going to expect me to do things with them or they were just looking to hook up. I soon found that it was the complete opposite. I then became nervous and wondered if from my prior experiences if I would do somethings that would harm them or cause them problems. I found this also to be false. All of you are genuinely great people and I love all y'all! I would never want to do anything to harm you and I would much rather be friends with all of you rather than date and have sex with you. I have found that a lot of my homosexual desires have decreased when I am with you rather than increase. Do not get me wrong, I am still gay, but it seems easier not to worry about doing anything wrong with all y'all. It is great!

This is where I get my pure love for all of you. I see the amazing people you all are. I see that each of you has a divine purpose here in life and I would never want to harm you from achieving that divine purpose (that would be really selfish of me). Even when I am attracted to a MoHo and we become really good friends, my pure love comes from deep inside of me and prevents me from pushing or going along with pressures to do anything. It is deep inside and something that will never go away. I see how I influence all y'all and I see how you influence me. I would have it no other way.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a little slice of heaven for me. I think that it might be because I have great friends who care about me and whom I care about, the love we have for each other, the great times we have together (despite all of our trials), and the growth that we have together. It is wonderful!

Kiss Attempt #1: Failed!

On Tuesday, I took Caitlin out of a date before she went home to Connecticut. I have really liked her for a long time and we used to be boyfriend and girlfriend (we broke up when I told her that I was gay). Anyways, I wanted to kiss her really bad before she left, so I tried. I, however, failed. I am not going to go into details and all you need to know is that I failed. Caitlin did say to me that next Fall we can give it a try! :)

Hope is not lost, at least I don't think so...