SSA vs. SGA

It seems like I am getting close to the end of my blogging career. I am not sure what to write about anymore and it seems like what I write about is useless to myself and others. This may change, but this is how I really feel right now.

I have never expressed my thoughts on both of the terms SSA and SGA. I have talked why I decided to identify with SSA in this post and this post and how SSA can be a gift or a curse. Other than those posts, I have not said anything about them. So here are my thoughts. I believe that Same Sex Attraction (SSA) and Same Gender Attraction (SGA) are separate terms and cannot be mixed, but a person can experience some of both of them. Sex is defined as the biological attributes of male and female while gender is defined as the social construction of male and female. Can you see the difference between the two?

SSA is about being attracted to the biological aspects of men. In other words, you are attracted to penises, facial hair, body features, and whatever other physical and biological attributes men have. It is the changes in puberty that causes boys to turn into men that attract you. SGA is about being attracted to the social definitions of men. This means that you are attracted to men that are so called "masculine," that can provide, protect, and procreate, and those who meet the social definitions that society creates of what men are supposed to be like. This is the "man code." It is what causes men to be men in society's eyes. As you can see, these definitions cannot be mixed. They are mutually exclusive, but all too often we consider them to be one and the same.

For me, I experience more SSA than SGA. I am attracted to penises. I love men with stubble-so much fun to make out to. I love the muscle structure of men, especially the "swimmer" body. I am attracted to men with body hair in certain regions, but it has to be trimmed and managed. Everything about a man's body is just considered hot to me. These are all parts of SSA. My SGAs are limited. I am not attracted to men that are more feminine than masculine and I can really care less if a man is super masculine, in fact it really turns me off if they are that way. Personally, I would like a healthy balance of femininity and masculinity. I am also not attracted to a man that can provide, protect, and procreate. I can do all of those myself and I do not need someone to do those for me. I would rather be the protector and the provider. I am also not attracted to most social definitions that are placed on men (there are too many to discuss here).

There are differences between SSA and SGA, but they can be both experienced. I think that the Church and everyone should see this and use both terms. I know that the Church mainly uses SGA and it should also start using SSA because it describes me and many others better than SGA. I know people probably think that it does not really matter, but I think that it does. I think that if you understand what you are attracted to and where your attractions come from, then you will understand yourself better. It may also explain why reparative therapy works for some people (those who experience SGA more than SSA) and why it does not work for others (those who experience SSA more than SGA). It may also explain why some attractions are linked to genetics (SSA more than SGA) and why some attractions are not (SGA more than SSA).

So I ask all of you the question, which do you experience more, SSA or SGA?

Who Are You?

Before I start this post, I want to start off by saying thank you to all of you who sent your support to me and my family, for the prayers, and for the love you have for me. My brother turned out to be alright. He had extensive cuts and bruises on his body and he separated his shoulder. There were no broken bones and there was no super serious damage. They released him from the hospital a day later because they wanted to keep him overnight for observation. Everything has turned out fine. I thank God for blessing our family and keeping my brother alive. I do not know what I would do without him.

I watched Drop Dead Gorgeous this weekend with some of my swimmers. When it got to the part with the anorexic pageant winner saying, "Who are you?" to Becky, I really started to think about who I am. I do not know why this movie struck me so hard at this moment, but it did. I finished watching the movie and then I went to a friend's birthday party. After the party, I thought about who I am. I started to pray to God to help me discover the answer to my question of who I am. I got much more of an answer than who I am. I learned about myself, my gifts, and how they define me.

I was told numerous times that I am a child of God and that He loves me no matter what (I know this but it still feels good to have it reinforced every once in a while). Then I felt that God was pleased with me because I have stopped let my "gayness" and SSA define my whole persona. I have been discovering over the past 6 months that it really does not matter who you are attracted to. What matters is what you do with that part of yourself. God also told me that because of have stopped letting SSA define me, I have noticed a decline in my problems with it. It does not bother me and cause qualms with life, unless I act upon it. I can live life happily. I also found out that my divine potential is limited only to myself. If I do what is right, then my potential is limitless, but if I do not do what is right, I limit my potential.

After receiving these great pieces of information, I received a few tidbits of other information that I really do not want to share with all of you. I will give some general information though. I now firmly believe that having SSA can be a gift or a curse. It just depends on how you look at it and how you place it in your life. I also found out that certain gifts that I have help define me as a person, but not my whole persona. Having SSA is one of those gifts that define a part of me. There are many parts to me and they have all been given to me by God. He knows what will be best for me, the gifts that I need to grow to my greatest potential, and how far I can be pushed for growth.

He gave me SSA for a reason and I know that I have had unique experiences here that I would not have had if I did not have it. Also, I do not think my testimony would be where it is today if I did not have SSA.

Fear of Trying

I am back from my hiatus after finishing finals and taking a break. Finals went well for me. There was a lot of stress, but it turned out to be good. Now, most of my friends are gone for the holidays and I am still here in Provo. I am with family, so do not worry. My family lives here and I have lived here my whole life. I know, I know, it is kind of boring, but hey, it is life as I know it.

I have been having interesting conversations with a lot of different people lately. Everybody is at different stages in their life and they see things differently than me. The other day I was talking to a dear girlfriend of mine and she brought up the subject of the fear of trying. Then another time I was talking to my best friend, Brady, and the topic came up. It keeps coming up with people I talk to, so I thought it would be a good topic to write about and share my thoughts with you.

I have noticed with others and myself that we are afraid to try to do something new. We are afraid to try something that is going to be hard and difficult It is interesting how it is a cake walk to not be afraid to try something that easy.

It makes me wonder what heaven was like then. Were we utterly without fear? We knew what our lives would entail, the trials that we would go through, and the difficulties we would face, but we still decided to come here on earth and face them. We had to have full faith in God and be utterly trusting of Him to come here to earth or else, we would have gone with Satan.

Where has this full faith and great trust gone? Have we lost it by the wayside? Has Satan gotten a hold of our minds and cause us to doubt God? I believe that a lot of us have lost our faith and trust in God. We think that we know what is right for us. In reality, God only knows what is best for us and I believe that He wants us to try to overcome the natural or "gay" man inside of all of us. I believe that SSA is another trial that is hard, but something that God wants us to overcome and that it is something that we can overcome.

Why are we afraid to try? I hear excuses that we do not want to hurt the woman you are dating. That is a bunch of bull crap! Women get hurt everyday by straight guys. Believe me, I know. I am a go to guy with a lot of my girlfriends when they are hurt, lonely, and sad. Then I hear other excuses that it is not natural. Well, the church teaches going against the natural man and getting rid of the natural, evil tendencies that we have. Then I hear other excuses that it is not worth it. It makes me wonder how it could not be worth it. God is preparing mansions for us and wanting us to become Gods. They only way that we can become Gods is by following His teachings and doctrines. There is no other way.

These excuses that come from fear to try. My bishop told me a story. I cannot remember who it was about (this really did happen, I promise), but this man lived his life everyday with the motto of "Just Do It!" He would say this motto every time he left his house, work, and whenever he needed a reminder. This motto meant to him that he would follow the Spirit and the church's teachings. If things got hard, he would tell himself to "just do it!"

I think that we should all take this motto upon us. We need to do it. We need to take the chances and risks that a lot of us are so afraid to do. We need to do what the church tells us and overcome the natural man inside of us. We need to stop being afraid of what is hard and put our trust in the Lord, like we did before we came here. We need to keep fighting the good fight and work on bettering ourselves. We need to unite ourselves to fight Satan and help others who are struggling because we cannot do it alone. Too many people get hurt and go off the deep end when they try to do it alone. We did not do it alone in the premortal life.

And they [this is all of the spirits on God's side, so us] overcame him [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death. -Revelation 12:11

Have faith and trust the Lord. We were once willing to die for our testimonies and I believe that we should be willing to sacrifice our "gay" part of ourselves to our beloved Savior and Redeemer and to our most gracious God.

Moving On

I have decided that I no longer want to consider myself gay. Frankly, I am not gay because I am not pursuing a gay relationship, I want to marry a woman, I am attracted to men, and I want to stay in the church. These things, in my opinion do not constitute me as gay. I am just a normal person who is struggling with Same-Sex Attraction (SSA). That is all.

I think that it will be helpful for me to consider myself this way from now on...