High School

I received a message from a girl I knew in high school a couple of days ago telling me that she has been stalking my blog. The first thought was amazement. There have been a lot of people from high school who have found my blog. They have sent me emails or texts letting me know that they read my blog. I guess the main thing that amazes me is that they are perfectly fine with everything. It doesn't freak out them out that I'm gay. I would think that there would be a lot more people in happy valley that would be freaking out about it, but they aren't. It's nice to know that there are still a lot of good people out there who don't care about who I am attracted to, but rather who I am as a person. It also amazes me with how many find actually find my blog. It makes me wonder what they are searching for and how they find it. I remember a time when I was afraid that people would find out, but now I'm completely fine with it.

High school was not a good time for me. In fact, I hated high school with a passion. I was always angry, bitter, and rarely happy. I could fake everything--people thought I was the happiest person, that I had tons of friends, that I loved life, that I was straight, and many other things. The truth of the matter is that none of these things were my life. Sure, there were moments when I was happy and I could find solace and peace of my whenever I jumped into the pool, but my life was not what most people in my high school thought it was.

My angry and bitter stage of life started in middle school. I had a good amount of friends, but nobody I really connected with. I was welcomed into groups but I felt like an outsider. It hurt and nobody seemed to notice. I soon developed addictions to gay pornography and masturbation because it helped the pain go away for a moment, but it always came back. Then high school happened. A lot of my "close" friends from middle school ditched me and left me on my own. That hurt really bad and caused me to be even angrier. The loneliness never really went away. Nobody was helping me to fix it. Nobody was helping me get over my addictions. I prayed to God for help, but nothing happened. I went and talked to my bishop about my addictions, but he too was no help. He seemed uncaring and I never went back to him for help. I couldn't turn to my parents and friends because they wouldn't understand. They had no idea what I was going through because they seemed too absorbed in their own life. I couldn't go to any of my other church leaders because I didn't trust them because of my bishop and one of my leaders kept telling me that I was going inactive. My testimony fell apart and it has always been a struggle to get it back because of these events that happened to me.

Then I turned 16. It was a time for dating and excitement. I wasn't excited to date because I did have any guy friends to go on double or group dates with. I, however, found some guy friends and we were able to go on groups dates, but the loneliness still pervaded my essence and my being. I couldn't rid myself of it. A short time after I turned 16, I finally discovered the real reason why I was lonely--I came out to myself. I realized that I was gay because I had a huge crush on this guy. He was so attractive, sweet, and funny. I caught myself staring at him and wanting to be with him. I had crushes throughout middle school and my freshman year of high school on guys, but I always told myself it was because I wanted to be like them and that I wanted to be their friend. Ha! That was a huge lie. Even though I came out to myself, I was still in denial. I knew deep down that I was gay, but I didn't want to be. I still looked at porn, had crushes, and sneaked glances at guys in locker rooms, but I was in denial. This caused me to still be angry and bitter in life and my testimony was gone.

I came out a couple of months after high school. I made an amazing friend. I found that I wasn't lonely anymore and that I was happy outside of the swimming pool. I told that friend and he came out to me too--he was the first person I told that I was gay and I was the first person he told that he was gay. It was a good time and we were in love. This is besides the point though. I have changed so much from high school. I am finally happy. I have found meaning, purpose, passions, and everything between in my life. I am a completely different person!

Tonight, I am going right back into high school. Some old high school friends that I promised I would hang out with this break are throwing a New Year's Eve party. I wanted so bad to get out of it, but I couldn't--no other plans. The girl who is throwing it called me this morning and told me who was all going to be there and it is all of my old high school friends--I haven't seen them in over 2 years. I know that none of them have changed, but I know that I have changed drastically--some high school friends that I keep in contact with agree with me on that. I'm kind of scared to go back to them. I have no idea what they will think of me. I don't care if they assume that I am gay, know that I am gay, or ask me that I am gay--I'm over that now. It's more if they don't accept the new me. I know that I shouldn't care because they aren't even part of my life anymore, but I do. They were the ones who didn't ditch me in high school like so many other friends did. Yet, they were the friends who didn't notice my pain and agony. Ugh! This is so frustrating sometimes. I hope that their judgments will not make me fall out of my happiness that I've found myself in right now.

Feeling Alone

I don’t remember whether I was afraid of this test I’d never heard of, but when my parents said, “Well then, we’ll be off,” I looked at them panic-stricken and asked, “Aren’t you going to stay with me?” They looked at each other, then back at me, and said something about the traffic, and besides, I wasn’t scared, was I? I felt my face flush. Things seemed to rush at me as if I were the focal point of some unseeable camera’s close-up. Immediately I regretted all my assumptions. The embarrassment I felt then stays with me still, though of course it wasn’t embarrassment. That feeling was about as different from embarrassment as a patch of soil is from a tree, an egg case from a spider, a lump of stone from a sculpted hand lying heavily on an even stonier lap. It was the moment when I understood unequivocally: I was in this alone.

-Autobiography of a Face, by Lucy Grealy

There have been plenty of time where we have felt alone. Nobody is there and that nobody cares for us. Those who have not told their parents probably feel that when they come out to their parents they will be all alone like Lucy. These feelings, however, are made it up in our minds. There are people out there who love us--no matter what you think or say.

For me, I felt alone through out my whole adolescence. I knew that I am attracted to men but I never fully admitted it myself. I felt that I was different and that nobody understood me. I also felt like nobody in the world would ever understand me and what I was going through.

I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to men at age 18. I had been struggling with it inside of since I was 13 or 14. It was so liberating, but I did not feel so alone because I came out to myself and told a very close friend. It felt really good and liberating. I eventually came out to my parents, grandma, brother, and other close friends. I finally felt the loneliness slipping away. This loneliness, however, never fully went away.

I talked to my bishop about this and he helped me develop my relationship with God and Jesus. This, however, was still not enough. I eventually found Michael and his blog. The loneliness completely went away. It was finally good to know that someone was going through the same things as I was. Then surprising after a couple months of meeting MoHos and feeling accepted, I suddenly felt alone again.

It took me awhile to realize that I was creating my loneliness. People loved me and I was not alone even though I felt alone. I finally overcame my loneliness problems last summer. Yeah right...

They suddenly came rushing back when I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Suddenly, I was attracted to men and I had a chronic disease. I felt alone again and that nobody understood me and my life. I also felt that a lot of people did not care about me anymore and that my friends were leaving me. I was stupid to ever think this.

I know that my friends and family all care about me deeply. I have just been making up feeling alone in my mind. In my opinion, we all do this. There are people out there who love and care about us. We just have to stop thinking that we are alone and that nobody cares about us. So stop making yourself feel alone like Lucy and feel the love of those around you and the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven.

Life Sucks, Period.

All that I really want to say is that I hate my life.

An Experiment: Update #4

So I have not blogged in awhile and I have been really busy, lonely, and just whatever. I am, however, doing fine. Please do not worry about me. It is just the way feel.

I think what contributed to my loneliness was no update in getting my friend. The bishop was out of town two Sundays ago. I was supposed to get my friend, or at least I think I was. I still have not gotten him. I feel like the bishop has just left me in the dust. It seems as if he does not care about me anymore. He has not called me into his office and he has not called me on my phone in a long time. I feel like I have been beaten up by getting my hopes up and left in the ditch to die. It is not really fun.

What also contributed to these feelings was that my EQ President did not call me all last week. He finally called me on Saturday, but I was really angry at him so I did not answer the phone. He left a message that I listened to and it was as if he felt like he had been there the whole time. I texted him and told him that I was busy and could not talk or do anything with him tonight (I was not lying). He then wanted to talk to me yesterday. I was not going to be at church so he set up an appointment with me to talk. My home teachers also scheduled to come over. The home teachers were supposed to be there thirty minutes before my EQ President arrived. They did not show up until after my EQ President, so we did not get to talk. He told me to come to Ward Prayer and then we could talk afterwards. This, however, did not happen. I texted him again letting him know that I was free to talk and that I would be waiting for him. He did not text me back until midnight. He perpetuated the feelings that I have been feeling because of the lack of support from my bishop.

In short, I am extremely lonely. I have great friends, but for some reason I continue to feel lonely. I do not know why. I have tried to get rid of this loneliness, but it comes and goes with the situations I am in. I also feel like I have been forgotten by a lot of my friends. I guess this is the update of the experiment and my life.