I Felt Like I Peed My Pants

As many of you know, I have not been feeling too well lately because of my Crohn's Disease. I went into the doctor a couple of weeks ago hoping to get some new medication, but that did not happen. He just upped the pills that I am taking right now (this in the past has proven not to work). A couple of weeks went by and I kept getting worse. I have been in pain for probably over a month now... :( I finally was able to get into him again (before my scheduled appointment tomorrow) last week. He decided that he needed to up my medication again and get me into the hospital for some tests.

Yesterday was the first round of tests. On Monday night, I had to drink a lovely Barium Sulfate Berry shake that tasted like crap and metal. It was not good at all and it did not taste like mixed berries as the picture and bottle suggested. After I drank that, I started fasting because I was not allowed to eat or drink until after my CT Scan which was at 11 am the next day. An hour before my CT Scan, I had to drink another Barium Sulfate Berry shake and it tasted exactly the same. Then I had to drink another one 30 minutes before and that one again tasted the same (they should really try to improve the flavors of those things). I went into the CT Scan and had pictures taken of my intestines. Then I had an IV placed in my arm and had some more CT Scans done with Iodine contrast fluid this time. This is where the story gets fun... :)

When Iodine contrast is injected into your bloodstream, it feels really warm and good. It soon spreads out throughout your whole body. You get a lovely metallic taste in your mouth and your inguinal region (the area around your penis and rectum) get really warm. It makes you feel like you are peeing your pants and have something warm shoved up your butt! I am not going to lie... it felt really good! I was in the CT Scanner yesterday for about an hour with that going through my system and I had a good time thinking about life, Madonna, and everything else that went on through my brain.

After my CT Scans, I went to get some blood work done (I still felt warm all over and I still had the metallic taste in my mouth). The blood work was the same old procedure, but the good news was that I did not get the crappy nurse that I usually get (she misses my veins way too often and I usually get bruises from her). So that was great! After I finished everything at the hospital, I went to take a forever long Physical Chemistry test. I was in the testing center for 4.25 hours! That is the longest I have ever been in there. It killed me. The whole time I was a little loopy from some of the drugs that I had in my system, but I think I did fine. I also had "Like A Prayer" stuck in my head by Madonna. That was fun! :) ha!

Yesterday life was interesting. Tomorrow I will find out my results on the medical tests. Today I have been strangely missing the warm feeling of me feeling like I am peeing my pants and that I have something warm up my butt.

My Busy Life

I thought I would write to let you all know that I am not dead and I plan on answering some comments from my last post. There is just so much to do and so little time in the day. I wake up at 5 AM and I am doing things until 10 or 11 PM. My life has never been this crazy busy before! I cannot believe it! I should have expected it though because everybody says that the Junior year is the hardest and most time consuming year of the Biochemistry major. It also does not help that I am working five part-time jobs and going to school full-time. That is right, you heard correctly, five part-time jobs. Ha! I love it! If you are wondering what I am doing, here you go: 1. Manager at Poco Loco Swim Shop 2. Swim coach for Timpview High School 3. Swim coach for the UV Rays 4. Research assistant in an HIV research lab here on campus 5. Private swimming lessons instructor. These jobs and school keep me really busy, but I am totally enjoying my life. The sad part is that I usually do not go out on weekends anymore to play, but I am fine with that because I know that to get into medical school I have to get really good grades so I focus on that instead of not going out and having a good time. That means that I am not seeing any of you and my others friends or planning things to do with them. Sorry... I still enjoy getting invites to do things though and I do make time if people ask me to do things, but I guess I never really got those before because I am the one who usually does the planning of activities. Oh well, such is life. I am also getting sick again so I do not feel too well and I will probably have to go on some new medication for my Crohn's. That is about it that is going on in my life right now. I will blog about it and other important issues when I have more time, but I do not know when this is going to be. I hope all is well with everyone.

Shooting Drugs

I have started yet another medical treatment--it is the really expensive one that I talked about in an earlier blog. I had my first treatment on Friday and it was wonderful! I was in the IV Fusion ward (it is where chemotherapy and other drugs like that are given) of the hospital for three hours. I sat and relaxed in chair, read, ate, and drank tons of water. The medicine was not too painful but it felt really weird going in and as time progressed I could actually feel it in my system. It was a crazy feeling. I finished about 1 and continued with my day.

Friday was an ok day because the drugs were clogging my mind and causing severe headaches, nausea, and heartburn. I went to see Hancock with Salad, Drex, and Michael for Salad's birthday and had fun. Then I went to my brother's birthday party. I met a girl there who was a lot of fun and she seemed to be interested in me. I got her phone number and we text off and on. I think I will take her out sometime. That night I slept really well--it was the first night in about a month where I did not wake up in severe pain.

Saturday was a wonderful day! I felt so good. I have not felt that good in months. I did a lot on Saturday because I felt so good. My friend Traveller came from Salt Lake to hang out with me. Michael came later and we played, ate, DDRed and ice blocked! It was so much fun and so worth it. I did receive some injuries from ice blocking but it was nothing too serious (one is in the picutre). Then Calvin came over later and the four of us watch "Who's That Girl." It is an 80's movie with Madonna--I absolutely love her. It was a blast and a half. It was one the best days that I have had in long time. My mom got mad at me and told me that I needed to take it easy, but I had to play because I felt so good. I again slept really well the next night. Everyone also commented on how good and how much better I looked today.

Sunday was another good day. Church was ok and I was supposed to have a meeting with my bishop to put my service mission papers in, but he was in surgery--he had been in surgery since 6 that morning so I really did not care or fault him because he was helping someone have a better life. Then I read a lot and went over to Salad's and Drex's for her birthday. It was again fun and I ate pie! Something that I have not had in long time. I was still feeling good, but I started to notice something was a little off as the night progressed. I really did not think anything of it. Then I went to bed and slept the whole night again.

Ever since that initial feeling of something being a little off, I have been having some problems pop up again--pain and trouble digesting. Other than that, things are going well. I probably should take my mom's advice and take it easier which I am going to do. I did not expect everything to be better in one treatment, but I was really surprised with how good I felt the next day. I have another treatment on the 25th and I hope it will continue to my body good.

This experience just shows everyone and myself that things always get better. Just stick it out and take one step at a time.

One Step

One thing that I have learned in my life is that it takes one step at a time and dedication to get anywhere in life. I probably learned this best from swimming. When I first started swimming competitively, all I could think about was how hard it was. I, however, loved it and wanted to keep doing it. I continued to go to practice and I became better very quickly. I soon moved up to the advanced group, but this was even harder than before. I started to not like swimming as much, but it was because of the practices. I loved competing, the pool, and my friends. I soon started to not show up some practices and when I was at practice, I would make excuses and not work hard. Eventually my lacking of working hard started to show. I stop progressing and I started to slow down. I talked with my coach and she gave me a hard lesson. She told me that it was my fault and that I needed to just do the simple things like coming to practice and working hard everyday to continue to progress. I started to do this and I started to progress again. I rededicated myself and started taking small steps that took my on to bigger and better things. After all of my hard work, I became a state, far western, zones, and sectionals champion.

This lesson could also never be more true in my life right now. Quite frankly, my life seems to suck to some people because I have Crohn's Disease and I am attracted to men. Most days I am in extreme pain and have severe nausea and diarrhea. Then I am sometimes really horny and wanting a relationship and action with guys. It seems like a battle that I cannot win. Some people have asked me why I just do not give up. The answer is that it all comes from the lesson I learned of dedication and one step at a time. I take one day at a time and try to my hardest to make it the best day that I can. I could just sit around, do nothing, and mope about my crappy life, but I choose to continue to be active, go to school, work, and hang out with friends. If I let these thing bog me down, then my life will truly suck and I will hate life and probably God.

My advice for everyone is just to take life one step at a time. Sure there may be days where life is really hard, but there is always tomorrow and the hope for a better day. Do not give up on life. It will eventually get better despite everything that you might be going through right now. These past couple of weeks, I have gone through hell and back and it looks like after this morning I am heading for hell again, but I am not going to give up. I am just going to take one step at a time and try to live my life to the best of my ability. I hope that you will do the same.

Pain in the Intestines!

So it is nearly 4 am and I am awake. No surprise with how my life has been going lately. This is about the fourth week of a really bad flare up of my Crohn's Disease. The thing about this one is that it is also my worst one that I have ever had. I have severe internal bleeding, stabbing pain, burning pain, my mucosa layer is being ripped away from the other layers, giant ulcers, and sleepless nights. I also found out that the medication I am on is no longer working. That means I again have to switch--something I am not excited for. The new medication that I am going on is an injection in my abdomen that is similar in pain and viscosity to the "peanut butter" or gamaglobulin shot. That means that it is going to be extremely painful and fun for me. The best part about the shot is that it is $5,000 a pop! All of this is definitely the joy of my life right now! ;)

I feel so out of control right now. I have not been to church in four weeks because I feel like shit whenever I wake up or I cannot get out of bed because my body is so exhausted from my sleepless nights. I do not know what to do sometimes. I feel like I cannot do anything sometimes. I want to live a normal life, but I feel so hindered. I was planning on taking a vacation this past weekend to sunny California to relax, but it was canceled last minute because I started bleeding and the doctor told me not to go because I am close to being in the hospital. UGH! My parents have also banned me from moving out of the house again because they feel like my life is too out of control for me to handle it myself. I am pretty sure that I can handle myself just fine, but I am going to follow the wishes of my parent and hopefully get my life "under" control. Another sad event is that I probably cannot go on a service mission now, which is something that I decided to do and started to get really excited for. It makes me melancholy and feel out of control. I do not know what to do to help me feel in control anymore. I guess the best thing to do is wait and see what happens with the new medication.

I have also noticed a drop in my spirituality these past couple of weeks. I think it is tied to all of the pain that I am going through along with me not going to church in 4 weeks. There are probably some other reasons that are a part of it, but I am not sure what they are right now. I guess that I have to continue to have faith and hope for a better, more controlled future, but sometimes it is really hard. I am sick of everything that I am going through. I just wish it would all end sometimes.

In other news, I met a few new people this past week and I had a blast with them. It was nice to meet them and they helped me get my mind off of my pain and whatnot. I guess the secret is to keep myself busy and forget the pain--easier said than done seeing how it is summer break.

*NOTE: This post was not made for you to give me pity. It was needed for me to vent my frustrations. That means I do NOT want any pity comments because I absolutely hate people pitying me in my situation.

Feeling Alone

I don’t remember whether I was afraid of this test I’d never heard of, but when my parents said, “Well then, we’ll be off,” I looked at them panic-stricken and asked, “Aren’t you going to stay with me?” They looked at each other, then back at me, and said something about the traffic, and besides, I wasn’t scared, was I? I felt my face flush. Things seemed to rush at me as if I were the focal point of some unseeable camera’s close-up. Immediately I regretted all my assumptions. The embarrassment I felt then stays with me still, though of course it wasn’t embarrassment. That feeling was about as different from embarrassment as a patch of soil is from a tree, an egg case from a spider, a lump of stone from a sculpted hand lying heavily on an even stonier lap. It was the moment when I understood unequivocally: I was in this alone.

-Autobiography of a Face, by Lucy Grealy

There have been plenty of time where we have felt alone. Nobody is there and that nobody cares for us. Those who have not told their parents probably feel that when they come out to their parents they will be all alone like Lucy. These feelings, however, are made it up in our minds. There are people out there who love us--no matter what you think or say.

For me, I felt alone through out my whole adolescence. I knew that I am attracted to men but I never fully admitted it myself. I felt that I was different and that nobody understood me. I also felt like nobody in the world would ever understand me and what I was going through.

I finally admitted to myself that I was attracted to men at age 18. I had been struggling with it inside of since I was 13 or 14. It was so liberating, but I did not feel so alone because I came out to myself and told a very close friend. It felt really good and liberating. I eventually came out to my parents, grandma, brother, and other close friends. I finally felt the loneliness slipping away. This loneliness, however, never fully went away.

I talked to my bishop about this and he helped me develop my relationship with God and Jesus. This, however, was still not enough. I eventually found Michael and his blog. The loneliness completely went away. It was finally good to know that someone was going through the same things as I was. Then surprising after a couple months of meeting MoHos and feeling accepted, I suddenly felt alone again.

It took me awhile to realize that I was creating my loneliness. People loved me and I was not alone even though I felt alone. I finally overcame my loneliness problems last summer. Yeah right...

They suddenly came rushing back when I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease. Suddenly, I was attracted to men and I had a chronic disease. I felt alone again and that nobody understood me and my life. I also felt that a lot of people did not care about me anymore and that my friends were leaving me. I was stupid to ever think this.

I know that my friends and family all care about me deeply. I have just been making up feeling alone in my mind. In my opinion, we all do this. There are people out there who love and care about us. We just have to stop thinking that we are alone and that nobody cares about us. So stop making yourself feel alone like Lucy and feel the love of those around you and the love of our Savior and Father in Heaven.

Adventures in My Bowels! :)

I want to thank all of you for praying and probably fasting for me this past week. I think that your prayers and fasts helped a lot. Here is an update of what happened last week.

On the Friday before I posted about myself bleeding, I started to feel like crap. Pain was coming back, but it was not too bad. I sort of ignored it. Then on that Saturday, I still did not feel up to par. I was sleeping a lot (about 15 hours a night) and then take tons of naps during the day. I never felt like my old self. Then on Sunday, I started to excrete blood and it was not fun at all. I was in extreme pain and at some points I could barely move. That pretty much wraps up the event before my original post.

On Monday, I tried to get into the doctor's office, but I could not. There were no slots with other doctors and my doctor had surgery all that day. I went to school and did my best to be my happy self. It was kind of working, but people noticed that something was wrong. Then came Tuesday. I still could not get a doctor's appointment, but the good news was that I was able to get in on Wednesday. Tuesday was hell. I hurt so bad and I just wanted to rip out my intestines. Then Wednesday finally came! I went to the doctor and he gave me some new medications that are more intensive. There are also a lot more side-effects with these ones. One of them is insomnia, if you have not noticed from my random postings and facebooking times.

I am generally feeling much better, but I am still in a lot of pain. The doctor told me that I am having another flare up and it is on a worse level than the last one I had since I am bleeding. The bleeding has generally stopped. It only comes every now and then--it mostly depends on what I eat. My bowels basically have adventures everyday and I have to go on a ride with them. ;) Hopefully I will start to feel up to speed and go do what I normally do.

Thanks again for all of your prayers and fast! You guys are great! :)

Life is good... :)

PS Whenever I am sick or cannot go 80's Dancing, I crave it. I have been craving it since I started bleeding. That is probably why I posted tons of Madonna's music videos and One Night in Bangkok. I love the 80's...

Bleeding

Hey everybody,

I want to ask all of you to keep me in your prayers this week. I am bleeding internally right now and excreting blood (a side-effect of the medication and sometimes a symptom of Crohn's Disease). I have not gone to the ER because my family does not have the money to pay for another hospitalization for me. We are waiting to go to the doctor's tomorrow because we only have to pay $10 instead of $500 or more. I am putting my trust in the Lord and I pray that everything will work out. I ask all of you to do the same for me.

Thanks!
Sean

Crohn's Disease

This is an update of my life. I just want you all to know that I do not want any of you pitying me or telling me how sorry you are for me. It is another part of my life and another learning experience that God sees fit to give me. I have gotten over the self-loathing and I do not need it to come back because of what others say.

For the past couple weeks, I have been in severe pain. My abdomen has been hurting and it has gotten to the point that my testicles would start to hurt. Yeah, it definitely is not very fun. The pain peaked on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I definitely wanted to die because it hurt so bad. My mom finally took me into the hospital Monday night. We went there and had a pretty good time. I was there until about 2, I had tons of tests performed on me, and I got to drink one of the nastiest drinks I have ever drunk in my life! They told me that I had some problems with my intestines and that I would need to see a specialist.

I did not go to school on Tuesday because I slept most of the day. I also had an appointment with the gastroenterologist. It was fun, except when he touched me where it hurt the most and I doubled in pain. He told me that I most likely had Crohn's Disease, but I would have an endoscopy just to make sure. I went out to eat with some family friends because their and basically my grandma died on Sunday.

I again did not go to school on Wednesday because of the funeral and because I was sick and in a lot of pain. The funeral was really good for me and the family. It felt nice to feel her love for me and to feel the love I had for her. It was also good to see one of my best friends who moved away.

Valentine's Day came around and I felt like hell. The pain and feeling sick was just killing me. I sat at home all day waiting for it to end. I had to go to one of my classes because I had to take a test (that was the worst experience of my life) and then I came home immediately to start my preparations for the endoscopy on Friday. The preparations I had to do was drink this nasty solution every 10 minutes. I started at 5 and was supposed to be done at 8, but it was so gross and I had an awfully hard time keeping it down. I finished at 11:30. It just about killed me and it made me so weak. I wanted to die. Calvin and Delilah came to visit me though so that made my night a lot better.

Then came Friday morning. I got up early for the procedure and went in. It was a quick procedure that only took about ten minutes. The results came out positive for Crohn's Disease. I went home and was pretty down, but I was happy at the same time because that meant that I could start treatment. Dancing Queen came to visit me and brought me a rose and a late valentine balloon. It was really sweet of her. Then Brady came over after dinner and we watched a movie.

I went out last night with Delilah and had a great time. We then met up with Calvin and Brady. I ended the night early cause I was in severe pain, but I still had a good time. I am now a pill popper because I take about forty pills a day. It is ok though. I am trying to live my life the best I can. Now, I am just trying to be as happy as I can be and living life.

It also makes me wonder what God is going to throw at me next. Whatever it is, I think that I can handle it and that it will be the best thing for me. He does this because He loves me.

I also want to say that I love my family and that they are so good to me because they have sacrificed a lot this past week. They are so wonderful to me.

I should be doing homework cause I have not been to school all week and I need to catch up. UGH!