I have been having a lot of ups and downs because I am not sure what is going to happen in my life at the moment. There is the possibility of cancer and dropping out of school to receive treatment. The other possibility is not having cancer and continuing my life as normal. When I think that I might have cancer, I am mainly afraid. I don't want to die, I don't want to go through chemotherapy and radiation, I don't want to lose my hair, I don't want to be in more pain, and I just don't want to go through it. It scares me to think that a 20 year old like me sometimes goes through this. It's hard and weighs down on me.
I have noticed that the more that I don't think about it, the better I am and not weighed down by the world of the unknown. I have tried to continue with my life as normally as I can and losing myself in passion for what I love. Passion and seeking my dreams is what keeps me whole and complete. It is what keeps me happy and helps me have a good outlook on life. Passion keeps the monsters of my life away. Life right now, without this passion, would be hell and incomplete.
I Hate The Fight for Marriage
19 October 2008
I am personally getting so sick of all of the fighting over the definition of marriage and Proposition 8. I hate hearing people on campus talking about. I hate getting emails about how I should support both sides. I hate hearing people bash on each other. I hate how the Church is handling the situation. I hate how a lot of MoHos (and the gay community) are handling the situation. I hate getting facebook invites telling me to "say no" or "say yes." I hate getting into fights with friends about the topic. I hate seeing my friends and family talk about the issue and fight over it because they differ on opinions. I hate how much contention this is causing.
Why can't we all just be friends and be ourselves? Why can't everybody have the same rights? Isn't that what America is about, equal rights for all?
These questions open up a huge discussion on the topic, but I don't want to get involved with it anymore. I am sick of it! I want it to be over and I want to hear nothing about it again. I wish it would all go away.
Why can't we all just be friends and be ourselves? Why can't everybody have the same rights? Isn't that what America is about, equal rights for all?
These questions open up a huge discussion on the topic, but I don't want to get involved with it anymore. I am sick of it! I want it to be over and I want to hear nothing about it again. I wish it would all go away.
Another Joy of Life
17 October 2008
Here is another update in the life of Sean. It is not as fun as the last one. Actually, it is not fun at all. As many of you know, when there comes something challenging in my life, I call it a joy of life. Well, this is one of the biggest joys of life I have ever had. This new joy of life came from my doctor today. I went in and had all of my test results told to me. Everything was pretty much as I expected it. I am sick and all of my symptoms matched the results from the test. There was a little bit more this time though. The doctor saved this little bit of news for the end. It was definitely the most serious and traumatizing. In my CT Scan, the radiologist found cysts in my liver. He told it to me straight and I will tell you the same. I might have liver cancer. The results are not yet conclusive. I have to go in for more tests next week so I can get a yea or a nay. I do not want all of you to freak out and worry for me. There is still a chance that I might not have it. I just wanted to let all of you know.
Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed to have tons of problems in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed to have tons of problems in my life.
I Felt Like I Peed My Pants
15 October 2008
As many of you know, I have not been feeling too well lately because of my Crohn's Disease. I went into the doctor a couple of weeks ago hoping to get some new medication, but that did not happen. He just upped the pills that I am taking right now (this in the past has proven not to work). A couple of weeks went by and I kept getting worse. I have been in pain for probably over a month now... :( I finally was able to get into him again (before my scheduled appointment tomorrow) last week. He decided that he needed to up my medication again and get me into the hospital for some tests.
Yesterday was the first round of tests. On Monday night, I had to drink a lovely Barium Sulfate Berry shake that tasted like crap and metal. It was not good at all and it did not taste like mixed berries as the picture and bottle suggested. After I drank that, I started fasting because I was not allowed to eat or drink until after my CT Scan which was at 11 am the next day. An hour before my CT Scan, I had to drink another Barium Sulfate Berry shake and it tasted exactly the same. Then I had to drink another one 30 minutes before and that one again tasted the same (they should really try to improve the flavors of those things). I went into the CT Scan and had pictures taken of my intestines. Then I had an IV placed in my arm and had some more CT Scans done with Iodine contrast fluid this time. This is where the story gets fun... :)
When Iodine contrast is injected into your bloodstream, it feels really warm and good. It soon spreads out throughout your whole body. You get a lovely metallic taste in your mouth and your inguinal region (the area around your penis and rectum) get really warm. It makes you feel like you are peeing your pants and have something warm shoved up your butt! I am not going to lie... it felt really good! I was in the CT Scanner yesterday for about an hour with that going through my system and I had a good time thinking about life, Madonna, and everything else that went on through my brain.
After my CT Scans, I went to get some blood work done (I still felt warm all over and I still had the metallic taste in my mouth). The blood work was the same old procedure, but the good news was that I did not get the crappy nurse that I usually get (she misses my veins way too often and I usually get bruises from her). So that was great! After I finished everything at the hospital, I went to take a forever long Physical Chemistry test. I was in the testing center for 4.25 hours! That is the longest I have ever been in there. It killed me. The whole time I was a little loopy from some of the drugs that I had in my system, but I think I did fine. I also had "Like A Prayer" stuck in my head by Madonna. That was fun! :) ha!
Yesterday life was interesting. Tomorrow I will find out my results on the medical tests. Today I have been strangely missing the warm feeling of me feeling like I am peeing my pants and that I have something warm up my butt.
Yesterday was the first round of tests. On Monday night, I had to drink a lovely Barium Sulfate Berry shake that tasted like crap and metal. It was not good at all and it did not taste like mixed berries as the picture and bottle suggested. After I drank that, I started fasting because I was not allowed to eat or drink until after my CT Scan which was at 11 am the next day. An hour before my CT Scan, I had to drink another Barium Sulfate Berry shake and it tasted exactly the same. Then I had to drink another one 30 minutes before and that one again tasted the same (they should really try to improve the flavors of those things). I went into the CT Scan and had pictures taken of my intestines. Then I had an IV placed in my arm and had some more CT Scans done with Iodine contrast fluid this time. This is where the story gets fun... :)
When Iodine contrast is injected into your bloodstream, it feels really warm and good. It soon spreads out throughout your whole body. You get a lovely metallic taste in your mouth and your inguinal region (the area around your penis and rectum) get really warm. It makes you feel like you are peeing your pants and have something warm shoved up your butt! I am not going to lie... it felt really good! I was in the CT Scanner yesterday for about an hour with that going through my system and I had a good time thinking about life, Madonna, and everything else that went on through my brain.After my CT Scans, I went to get some blood work done (I still felt warm all over and I still had the metallic taste in my mouth). The blood work was the same old procedure, but the good news was that I did not get the crappy nurse that I usually get (she misses my veins way too often and I usually get bruises from her). So that was great! After I finished everything at the hospital, I went to take a forever long Physical Chemistry test. I was in the testing center for 4.25 hours! That is the longest I have ever been in there. It killed me. The whole time I was a little loopy from some of the drugs that I had in my system, but I think I did fine. I also had "Like A Prayer" stuck in my head by Madonna. That was fun! :) ha!
Yesterday life was interesting. Tomorrow I will find out my results on the medical tests. Today I have been strangely missing the warm feeling of me feeling like I am peeing my pants and that I have something warm up my butt.
Finding Meaning
12 October 2008
And I had to be alone because anyone who came near me invaded me. Only in the absence of people could I boil myself down to a clear broth and add things a little at a time. Occasionally I would venture out into the world with someone else as my escort, but it guaranteed nothing. Each random moment of interaction held danger.I can relate with Julie. Sometimes you need to run away, leave the world, friends, and family behind, look deep within yourself to find out who you really are, and then build yourself back up from a clear broth becoming who you want to be without the influence of others.
-Julie Gregory, Sickened
Prayer
30 September 2008
I prayed for the first time in awhile last night--well, it was a time that I felt like I needed to pray and not only do it because my bishop wants me to. It felt really good and I felt loved. I felt the Spirit very strongly and I felt like I was on the right path. I also felt that God knows that I am trying to be good and that I am doing the right things to be forgiven. I am going to continue to keep on working and doing my best to make my life as good as it can be.
Girlfriends
28 September 2008
Some Like It Hot asked me about making friends with girls in an earlier post of mine. I am sorry that it has taken me so long to respond. So here is my response.
Ever since I was little, I had never had a problem making friends with girls. I do not attribute this to the fact that I am gay, but rather most of my neighborhood was filled with girls so I learned how to interact with them (it is not very hard--just be yourself and have a good time). I had a few boy friends when I was growing up but there were not very many in my neighborhood so I did not interact with them a lot--I would much rather hang out with my girl friends. Because of my childhood, I have always seen girls as people that I can get close to and have close relationships with. I do not see them as a threat to my "manhood" to hang out with them. I do not see them as possible relationships, well not at first. I sometimes see a possibility of a relationship later on when we have grown closer as friends and usually it never happens and that is perfectly fine (some girls might do this too, but it usually ends up in the same result). I see them as people that I can go out with and have a good time. The main point is that I see them as friends and people I want to get to know before I see them as anything else.
From talking with a couple of my few straight guy friends, I have found out that they are afraid of girls. They think that girls are always wanting a relationship from them and/or that they are always reading into the relationship when in reality there is nothing there. They also think that they cannot be themselves around girls because girls will not like them. I usually laugh at this part. Sure that happens sometimes (a girl reading into things)--it happened to me in the summer, but that was the first time it has ever happened to me! Most girls would love to have some guy friends to hang out with and do fun things with. It does not have to be in a dating situation. It can be in a group situation. A lot of them do not expect a relationship to happen. I think that this is where growing up Mormon messes with a lot of people. People start to get unrealistic expectations of friendships with girls or guys (if you are a girl) and this also leads to them feeling like they cannot be themselves around girls or guys. They think that when they start getting in a close friendship with a girl or a guy, that it might progress to the next level when they do not want it to. That is an unrealistic response. Then they, usually the guy, push away and end up hurting each other. I have seen too many of my close girl friends get hurt because they do not know why one of their close guy friends stopped talking to them. I usually attribute it to this. Some people might also think that if they act like they truly are, that people will not like them so they stay away from girls or guys. That does happen sometimes, but you cannot change that and most of the time this does not happen, at least from my experience.
It is interesting that a lot go guys are also scared to go out on dates or they have to get the courage to ask girls out on dates. I think that this is ridiculous and goes along with the same lines as what I mentioned above. People are putting way too much pressure on themselves and the possibility of a relationship and/or people reading into their actions wrong. I go on dates for fun because quite frankly, dating is fun. It is fun to get out, to do something you usually do not do, and to do it with someone you want to get to know better. It is also a good way to show them that you care about them, even if it is not going to become a relationship. Sure it might be with someone you like, someone who likes you, or just a close friend, but it does not have to lead to a relationships. It could be the start of a really good friendship that will last a long time and be full of fun.
So again, my main point is that I see girl as friends, people that I can have a good time with, and people I can be myself with.
I hope this helps, but if it does not and you want more of my thoughts, email me (swimfreaksean[AT]gmail[DOT]com).
Ever since I was little, I had never had a problem making friends with girls. I do not attribute this to the fact that I am gay, but rather most of my neighborhood was filled with girls so I learned how to interact with them (it is not very hard--just be yourself and have a good time). I had a few boy friends when I was growing up but there were not very many in my neighborhood so I did not interact with them a lot--I would much rather hang out with my girl friends. Because of my childhood, I have always seen girls as people that I can get close to and have close relationships with. I do not see them as a threat to my "manhood" to hang out with them. I do not see them as possible relationships, well not at first. I sometimes see a possibility of a relationship later on when we have grown closer as friends and usually it never happens and that is perfectly fine (some girls might do this too, but it usually ends up in the same result). I see them as people that I can go out with and have a good time. The main point is that I see them as friends and people I want to get to know before I see them as anything else.
From talking with a couple of my few straight guy friends, I have found out that they are afraid of girls. They think that girls are always wanting a relationship from them and/or that they are always reading into the relationship when in reality there is nothing there. They also think that they cannot be themselves around girls because girls will not like them. I usually laugh at this part. Sure that happens sometimes (a girl reading into things)--it happened to me in the summer, but that was the first time it has ever happened to me! Most girls would love to have some guy friends to hang out with and do fun things with. It does not have to be in a dating situation. It can be in a group situation. A lot of them do not expect a relationship to happen. I think that this is where growing up Mormon messes with a lot of people. People start to get unrealistic expectations of friendships with girls or guys (if you are a girl) and this also leads to them feeling like they cannot be themselves around girls or guys. They think that when they start getting in a close friendship with a girl or a guy, that it might progress to the next level when they do not want it to. That is an unrealistic response. Then they, usually the guy, push away and end up hurting each other. I have seen too many of my close girl friends get hurt because they do not know why one of their close guy friends stopped talking to them. I usually attribute it to this. Some people might also think that if they act like they truly are, that people will not like them so they stay away from girls or guys. That does happen sometimes, but you cannot change that and most of the time this does not happen, at least from my experience.
It is interesting that a lot go guys are also scared to go out on dates or they have to get the courage to ask girls out on dates. I think that this is ridiculous and goes along with the same lines as what I mentioned above. People are putting way too much pressure on themselves and the possibility of a relationship and/or people reading into their actions wrong. I go on dates for fun because quite frankly, dating is fun. It is fun to get out, to do something you usually do not do, and to do it with someone you want to get to know better. It is also a good way to show them that you care about them, even if it is not going to become a relationship. Sure it might be with someone you like, someone who likes you, or just a close friend, but it does not have to lead to a relationships. It could be the start of a really good friendship that will last a long time and be full of fun.
So again, my main point is that I see girl as friends, people that I can have a good time with, and people I can be myself with.
I hope this helps, but if it does not and you want more of my thoughts, email me (swimfreaksean[AT]gmail[DOT]com).
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