The Opened Path

Turn It Off!

2011-08-11T12:58:00.003-04:00

"Turn it off! Like a light switch! Just go click!"

"Imagine that your brain is made of tiny boxes and find the box that is gay and CRUSH IT!!!"

Both of these are lines that are sang by the gay missionary in the musical, The Book of Mormon. I can definitely say that what he sang rang true for my experience growing up in Utah. There were many times growing up that I thought I could turn off my attractions to men. I tried so hard. I would punish myself for checking out the lifeguard, fantasizing about my crushes, or watching pornography. It was never physical punishment, but rather reading more scriptures and taking my fun time away. I was serious and I wanted to show God that I wanted to turn off my sinful attractions. I'm even sure that I tried to crush the "box" that holds my homosexual desires. Needless to say, I couldn't turn them off or crush bedazzled, glittery, and boa-lined box.

When the gay missionary was on stage, it reminded me of myself. He was completely dedicated to the Church and he fully believed that things would work out according to God's plan for him. I think that he believed, like many gay missionaries, that if he served God diligently during his mission he would be "cured" from this awful "curse" of homosexuality. There was so much dedication to God and hope for change. Seeing this, made me sad. It made me think about how many other young men are out there struggling and hoping for change to straightness that never comes.

Overall, I think the writers had a great portrayal of the struggle of being a gay Mormon missionary. I only wish they could have developed his character more, but he was never a main character.

Getting up on my soap box now...

If there is anyone out there who has so much hope for change to heterosexuality, I hate to say stop hoping, but it's the truth, stop hoping. It will never occur. What you can do instead is stay true to yourself. I'm not saying to throw away the Church and embrace your gayness or throw away your gayness (pretend to be straight) and embrace the Church. What I'm saying is take time to discover what you truly believe and what want in your life. This may take many years, but when you know what's true and what you want, stick with your beliefs. Also, always remember that it's perfectly normal to be gay and Mormon. Stay true to yourself.

Hello!

2011-08-05T09:50:00.006-04:00

*Ding dong*

Hello! My name is Elder Llewellyn, and I'd like to share with you the most amazing book! (From the opening song, but with my name place in it).

Back in May, I went to see The Book of Mormon. I'd like to say that I absolutely loved it! I know that a lot of people in the LDS community have said some awful things about it, but I'd like to say that they have inflated their opinions to extreme views. Also, I highly doubt many of the critics have seen the show.

There were some aspects that I didn't like of the show. They all were around the vulgarity of some of the characters and songs. I felt that some of the things said or sang could have had the poor language taken out. That being said, I can see why the language was in there. People do a lot of swearing and for some it is just a part of their vocabulary. So it seems to me that the writers were staying true to the "missionary" experience. I've never served a mission, but I'm sure that some people who missionaries try to visit have run into many people with colorful language.

Now, here is why I liked it and why I differ from most of the LDS critics. It's true that the writers poked fun at our quirkiness (they also poked fun of a lot of sensitive issues), but we do the same with movies like Singles Ward. The truth is that we make fun of ourselves in the same way as they were poking fun at us. I don't see anything wrong with this because I was taught growing up that we, Mormons, are queer folks that are different from the rest of the world. It's ok that we are different and it's ok to poke fun at our quirkiness. The writers were trying to portray Mormons as a unique group of people and they were able to accomplish this, but it wasn't in a demeaning fashion. I thought that they portrayed the LDS Church in an excellent light.

Many people have said that they do a bad portrayal of the Church, but I disagree. The writers showed that missionaries, while they may be innocent, are going out to places like Uganda to try to better the lives of and to give hope to many people. Throughout the musical, it shows the progression of how the missionaries are changing the lives of a town. The people are no longer dismal and angry; they transform into a people full of hope of a better life and they are striving to better their lives. Isn't that what missionary work is all about? I'd say that these missionaries did a wonderful job doing it.

Other critics have said that missionaries aren't as innocent as was portrayed in the musical. I'd like to say that they are. I'm sure when missionaries are going through the MTC that there is some education of the area, culture, and "trials" that people face, but learning about them is completely different than actually experiencing them, especially when you come from the homogeneous state known as Utah or Idaho and the surrounding states. When the missionaries arrived in Uganda, they were completely horrified at the situation--they couldn't believe what was going on. The missionaries that were already there had lost hope in spreading the Gospel and were waiting until their two years were over. Soon the newbies had experiences that caused them to question what they were doing there. Each situation caused one to lose more and more faith because he didn't realize that the world was unfair. He seemed to imagine the whole world to be like the US, specifically Orlando. It took him a long time to realize that the world is not all butterflies, unicorns, and rainbows. Eventually, his mission companion helped him realize that the world is not always fair and that they can actually change the lives of a whole town for the better.

Finally, a lot of people have said that they don't show the correct doctrine. While this is partially true, most of what they say is true. The writers had to change a few doctrines so that people of other beliefs could relate and understand; however, these changes were not so far away from the actual doctrine. Imagine trying to teach someone who has no knowledge about the Church everything in a couple hours. Can you do that? Of course you can't. That is why they changed a few things to make it more "mainstream" Christianity.

Overall, I absolutely loved the play and I have bought the soundtrack. It always makes me smile. Also, I think that this musical and the current Mormon.org (I think) ads in NYC is giving the Church a lot of publicity, which could in turn cause more people to be interested in learning more about the Church.

PS There will be more to come on my thoughts about the gay missionary in the musical.

Move-Ed

2011-07-08T16:14:00.005-04:00

Sorry that I haven't written for a very long time. A lot has been going on and I haven't had the desire to write much. Nevertheless, here is a quick update with a chance of a longer one later. I'm not keeping any promises...

I have moved on to a whole new part of my life. I was admitted in Mount Sinai School of Medicine's MD/PhD program! I moved up to New York last Friday and I have almost completed my first official week of school. I'll be in the city at least for the next 8 years. So far, I'm loving it here and I'm loving school. Everything that is currently happening to me is exactly what I want and need. Life is good right now.

Here are some keywords to describe my adventures in New York: apoptosis, programmed necrosis, Central Park, site-seeing, TNF, U-Haul, NYPD, food, DNA fragmentation, parents, and fireflies.

Ex-Gay Article

2011-06-22T22:24:00.002-04:00

I came across this interesting article recently. Take a look at it if you're interested in the topic of ex-gay men.

Interesting Walk Home

2011-06-09T18:16:00.004-04:00

Today, I had an interesting walk home. I was strolling along and minding my own business when a black truck with its window down passed me. The person inside yelled out, "Why are you walking faggot?" He continued driving. I had no idea why he called me a faggot. I don't think I look "faggy" today. I was wearing a white and gray, horizontal striped shirt, a pair of light washed straight leg jeans, my green and grey backpack, and a pair of tennis shoes. Does this scream faggot? I didn't think so. I kept on walking and ignored his comments. As I continued on my way, he circled around and pulled up again. He said the same loverly phrase again and I kept ignoring him. Then out of the blue he decides it would be ok to throw a beer can at me. Luckily he sucked at throwing and completely missed me. This man was such a true gem of society. I wish everybody could grow up to be like him and throw beer cans at people instead of being nice.

You DON'T NEED A Boyfriend To Feel Good!

2011-04-17T07:35:00.000-04:00

Absolutely loved this video! I was laughing the whole time.

Unconditional Love From My Mom

2011-02-14T22:32:00.003-05:00

My mom sent me the book, "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You," in the mail today. I cried the whole time I read it. This is the first time that I felt my mother's deep love for me in a long time. I called her to thank her for the wonderful book. Also, I wanted to tell her everything that I have been keeping from her. Sadly, she didn't have much time to talk since she was going out on a date with my father for a Valentine's Day. The message in this was definitely something I needed to hear from her. I think I'm going to start being more open with her now.

Changes

2011-01-22T14:01:00.003-05:00

My life has continually changed since I have started this blog. Along with my life changes has come changes in this blog. My life is no longer what it used to be and neither is this blog. I no longer feel the need to write my story on it's pages. I'm not sure what to do with it anymore. We'll see if this blog will develop into something new or shrivel and fall by the wayside.

I still write occasionally on my other blogs. The links are given below.

Journal-like blog for friends and family (not gay friendly). Feel free to read and comment if you would like to, but please use discretion with your comments.

Personal, more introspective blog about searching for meaning in my life.

PS I'm still contemplating what to do with this blog. So if any of you have ideas, feel free to let me know.

I Just Want...

2011-01-14T23:23:00.004-05:00

Dear God,

The only thing that I want in the world right now is to be accepted at NYU.

Love,
Sean

The Italian Stallion

2011-01-09T12:47:00.004-05:00

I am so mad right now! This weekend was my birthday and everything was a hot mess until The Italian Stallion decided to be an utter douche bag. I need to give some background of The Italian Stallion so you all can understand why he's a douche bag and no longer my friend.

The Italian Stallion (further called TIS from here on out) is a colleague at work. He was one of my first straight friends in Frederick. TIS was very nice and welcoming. He starting inviting me to bars with him and other colleagues, and we quickly became close. Eventually, TIS started talking about sex with women, picking up on chicks, etc. I always came up with an excuse or just changed the topic. I asked another colleague who already knew that I am gay about coming out to her and the rest of her lab. She said that should be perfectly fine. I did that and TIS seemed to be ok with everything. Quickly, our friendship changed. He was no longer inviting me to events and texting me. Then he started avoid conversations with me. It became interesting, but I decided not to care because I have made other friends. Jump forward to this weekend.

I invited his lab to go out with me to celebrate my birthday. A couple of them wanted to go to a gay bar and club to experience it. He told me that he was going to Delaware this weekend and couldn't make it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed he was actually going to go to Delaware. Well, last night I come to find out that he did not go to Delaware and stayed home this whole weekend. Again, I decided not to care because I don't consider him a close friend anymore. Then he started texting one of the male colleagues during the evening. He was asking about the gay people hitting on my colleague, how weird it was, etc. That started to bother me. I didn't let it get to me and ruin my night though. Then this morning he texted a couple of my male colleagues asking them if they were ass raped last night and received HIV from it, because all gay men have HIV. That seriously irritated me. What kind of naive, conservative douche bag is he? It makes me wonder what he thinks of me. I'm guessing he thinks I'm a whore who has HIV and who is spreading it around to all of the heterosexuals. UGH! I want him to say something to my face so that I could confront him. I have A LOT I want to say to him.

As I have been talking to my colleagues, we have all decided that TIS is a closet gay. He is very homophobic, hypermasculine, insecure, touchy-feely (he touches everyone but me whenever they walk by him), never has had a girlfriend, and other markers. Also, TIS will not make eye contact with me for fear of catching the gay, but I catch him staring at me all the time when I'm not looking at him.

My question is what do I do? Should I just confront him about everything that is bothering me or should I just let it go? I'm not one to take crap from people, but I don't want to mess up work dynamics and have people start hating him and me. Also, if he is truly gay, I don't want to force him out of the closet when I feel like he is so very deep in it. Sigh... I wish there was an easy way out of this one.

HOMO•SEXUAL

2011-01-09T12:47:00.000-05:00

This is a very interesting video about the history and misconceptions of homosexuality by the general population.

My Voice

2010-12-18T18:29:00.002-05:00

Beck, here is my voice again. I'm not sure what I'm going to write about, but here I go...

I know that some of you probably have been wondering what I've been up to and where I've been. Well, nothing too exiting has happen in my life. It's been very boring actually. I have had three MD/PhD interviews, and I feel like I belong in these programs or at least an MD/PhD program.

My first interview was at Boston University in October. BU was a great place. I really liked and felt like I fit in. My interviews went very well and the old Dean of Admissions told me that I would be "a good fit" at BU. I lOVE Boston and definitely could live there, so I wouldn't mind living there for 8 some odd years. The only problem with BU is that I don't receive my stipend all my years of school. The is a down side and I don't want to go into debt, especially when I will be starting my career around age 35.

My second interview was at Tufts University in November. It appears that the Boston schools like me and think I'll fit into their program. Tufts was also a great school. I fell in love with one researcher and his research. He is an up and coming researcher who is proving wrong many of the believed concepts of T cell activation. He would help my career go far. Also, Tufts is very keen on mentoring. They constantly have people checking up on the MD/Phds and helping them through the long process. Another benefit is that I am funded all of my years of school and I receive a stipend. One problem is the push to finish the program in 7 years. I wonder if moving through the program faster could be a disservice to students.

My last interview was last weekend at NYU. I absolutely loved NYU! The school is amazing, the people are amazing, the research is amazing, the immunology department is amazing, the facilities are amazing, and NYC is always amazing. Right now, I would consider NYU my topic choice. I was very impressed with their dedication to infectious disease immunology. They are currently expanding the immunology department, which means a lot of new, up and coming researchers will be at NYU. Also, I felt a strong sense of belonging at NYU. I was well received by all my interviewers and I made friends quickly with students. I also made a really good friend at NYU who was also an interviewee.

The first round of acceptances for all of these schools is in January. I hope I hear good news from all of them. I am still waiting to hear back from 8 schools. That means that I have had 3 interviews and 9 rejections. I'm pretty sure that at least half of the schools left will send me a rejection.

Ummm, that's my schooling life. I'm not sure what else to write about. I am very happy with where I am and I love what I'm doing. I have found peace and harmony in my life. I love the east coast and I love DC. I can't see myself moving back to the west coast anytime soon. I still consider myself churchless. I haven't gone back to church in a very long time. I have no desire to. I have allowed my home teachers to come and talk to me and the missionaries have started knocking on my door (I have yet to answer the door because they always come at the worst times). My home teachers seem only to be there to get their quota in because they don't put much thought into their lessons and make them specific to me. Also, they are trying to get me to come back to church. They have never asked why I no longer attend and they never ask if they could do anything for me. So yeah...

Political issues... Politics are politics and I don't care to talk about them. Also, I don't care to get involved either.

Yeah, I guess that is my voice right now. There isn't much to it probably because everything is going very smoothly for me. Things are working out and I feel really good about my life. The decisions I am making are what's best for me and I'm continuing on the path I've set up for myself.

Disciples

2010-12-18T10:02:00.003-05:00

My friend Seth is in a documentary entitled, "Disciples." It's about three openly-gay ex-Mormons in Arizona. Here is a link to the documentary for any who are interested.

PS I'm not dead... :D

Joel Burns, "It Gets Better"

2010-10-14T20:54:00.000-04:00

This is the best "It Gets Better" movie I have seen so far. I absolutely love every aspect of this. It is raw and full of emotion. What I love even more is that it happens during a city council meeting.

Thanks Kenz for sharing this with me!

Life As It Is

2010-09-22T17:04:00.002-04:00

My life is as it is. It is interesting to see it fall into similar patterns of life no matter where I am. I have now lived in Maryland for nearly three months. I can't believe it. It sometimes frightens me how fast it has gone, but that's not the point of this post. My life has fallen into the same pattern as it has everywhere I've lived. For example, I have never had many friends. I have many "acquaintances" who are my friends at work, school, etc., but not people who I hang out with or party on weekends with. When it comes to actual friends, I have few and far between. In the three months that I have been here, I have four friends. I would only consider one of them pretty close and I only met him a little while ago. Two of my friends are old friends from BYU and we do things every now and then, one is my second cousin (we have a lot in common and it's fun to be around him), and the last is someone I met through my second cousin. They all live in DC, so my weekdays are pretty lonely in good ole Fredneck, but I have fun on the weekends with my friends or by myself. I go to parties, clubs, bars, church, and hang outs to meet people to become my friends, but they never become my friends. They are place in the "acquaintances" category. This frustrates me.

I want and need more friends, but it seems like I cannot make any. I want someone to call me to do something. I want someone to show up at my apartment randomly. I want to stop organizing get togethers. I don't know if this will ever happen though. I recently stopped going to church because nobody in my ward talks to me. I have only had four people talk to me at church and none of them remember me the next week. The bishop and second counselor haven't even remembered me. It's kind of frustrating because I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb in church with the people of Fredneck. I've tried striking up conversations with a few people, but it's awkward to say, "Hi, I'm new to the ward. My name is Sean." You think that they would already notice you are new talk to you. It seems like the people in my ward are more concerned about the visitors. Why? I don't know. What I do know is that the people in my ward talk to the visitors more than they talk to me. It's disheartening.

Another example happened last night. I went to a gay Mormon party to watch the season premiere of Glee (PS I thought it was a little lack luster). There were a lot of people there and they basically all knew each other fairly well. They asked me a little about myself and what I was doing. After I told them, it seemed to stop. Nobody really talked to me anymore. I felt like I was the odd man out. That I was different from the rest. That they didn't want me there. Don't get me wrong. They were all very welcoming, but I personally didn't feel welcome. Maybe it will come with time. I don't think I'll go again though. I need to find a place to meet young professionals, like myself. That way I will have things in common with them, and hopefully I can make friends because acquaintances only go so far.

Gay Rights Movement? What Gay Rights Movement?

2010-09-13T20:00:00.000-04:00

If there is a gay movement going across the nation right now, will someone please educate me? I don't see a movement pushing forward and changing the nation and society's beliefs.

This is my opinion of the whole "Gay Rights Movement." There isn't one. I know that people will say, "What about HRC or No Hate?" I say those aren't movements at all. They are very localized with no thrust behind them. In my opinion, these groups are not large or unified enough AND their supporters are a bunch of floozies that do not participate in their planned activities. In order for a gay civil rights movement to occur, the leaders of the groups must unite and learn from the examples of the original Civil Rights Movement and Feminist Movement. The leaders and members of these movement knew how to change the nation and the world. We must draw upon their examples (I'm not going to go in-depth on what they did, but I'll talk about the generalized basics).

In my Sociology of Gender course, I learned that in order to have a successful social movement the following three aspects are needed: leaders must draw upon frustration and discontent, the leaders must build upon existing social networks and organizations with social power, and favorable political opportunities. Then in order to form a social movement the following three conditions must be present: a precipitating event that creates a new consciousness among a group of people, that core of people organize and attempt to mobilize others, and that the people in the group have the same consciousness and desires. If we look at this criteria, we have already started a social movement. A lot of the movement started with Harvey Milk. First, he created a new consciousness among many LGBT people by showing them that they are equal members of society. Second, he ran for office, brought others together, and mobilized them. Finally, the people under his leadership had the same goals, equality. He started the movement, but with his death, it disappeared quickly.

Where does that put us now? We have part of what we need to start a movement, the collective consciousness. After Milk's death, the collective consciousness that he started has stuck around throughout the decades; however, the organization and the mobilization of others is severely lacking. This stems from the various organizations trying to get the movement going. Are the leaders drawing upon frustrations? Yes, but they are not using the frustrations of the people to progress the movement. I think they are using it as a publicity stunt to become social lights and nothing more. Are the leaders building upon existing social networks? Yes, but these networks have no power. These leaders have no social capital or power. Is the political environment favorable? Yes and no, because there are still some problems all over the nation with politics.

What are the problems with the movement? The gay rights organizations are not using their social power (well, the little power they have) effectively. Also, they are not mobilizing the people and the people will not mobilize themselves. After Prop. 8 was overturned, the west went crazy, but the east didn't even care or hear about it. There was relatively nothing in the news back here. I'll attribute that to the lack of power or the lack of using power from the gay rights organizations. In addition, I heard of no protests or strikes that went on the east coast after the overturning of it. Again, that is the fault of gay rights organizations.

Would you agree with me that the movement is not unified and mobilizing? Answer the four following questions and see if you agree with me.

Do you know where your local gay rights movement organization headquarters is?

How many of you would be willing to get up away from the computer and the comforts of your home to go on strike at your state capital or nation capital for weeks, months or years?

How many of you participate in publicized boycotts?

How many of you are willing to be completely open honest about your orientation (i.e. holding hands in public, kissing in public, having people at work know about your orientation, not acting differently around people who don't know about your sexuality, etc.)?

These are four simple questions I would like you to consider. I bet very few of you would do one or two of these, let alone any. I will admit that I would not participate in strikes and boycotts. That is me and my personality, but I know where my local office is and am open and honest about my orientation. I do not hide anything. If people ask me if I am gay, I will tell them. I act the same no matter where I am at in society. I am always myself.

Some of you are probably wondering why I am writing a semi-political blog then if I'm not willing to get involved in politics. The reason is because I am sick and tired of hearing people proclaiming equality and freedom when something like Prop. 8 was overturned. That does not make you equal. You must change society's perception in order to become equal, otherwise we'll be like the African-Americans after the Civil War and until after the Civil Rights Movement. Also, I do not participate in politics because I have yet to see a good organization develop with the necessary tools to cause social change. When one eventually rises from the dust, I may get involved (and maybe you feel like me so the movement will never go anywhere, but I am fine with my situation and my life the way it is).

Anyways, these are my musings. Take them for what they are worth to you or demolish me and my thought processes. I don't care, but this is the way I see the Gay Rights Movement, and I see it going nowhere.

Madonna - Little Star

2010-09-01T13:59:00.000-04:00

-"Little Star" by Madonna

This song always makes me happy and soothes my soul. :)

Boyhood Dreams

2010-08-25T22:19:00.003-04:00

I've been running away from life for about the past two hours. I finally came in because I was tired. I have never ran through Frederick at night. It is strangely beautiful and takes me back to simpler times. Simpler times where Frederick was the major cross road of a large highway in the 1700s and 1800s. I ran down the brick side walks, through Market and Church Street, and into Baker Park. It cleared my mind of the agony of the day, but now it is back. I don't know if I can rid myself of the agony I'm going through at the moment. It makes me wish for simpler times where my boyhood dreams would come true. Sigh...

I'm sure you are all wondering what I was running away from. I guess I should tell you. I was denied from 3 MSTPs (MD/PhD programs) today, which is over 10% of the schools I applied to. I feel like a ball of crap and that my dreams were fleeting... Was I ever good enough? Will I ever be good enough? What did I do wrong? Did I do anything right? What should I do? Are my dreams from my childhood and never meant to come true? I don't know, but I would like some answers to these questions I might not ever receive answers to.

I feel like I'm supposed to be a medical scientist. That why I moved to Maryland to perform more research and to further my career as a medical scientist. Is it in vain? People tell me I am supposed to be a medical scientist. Why can't the admissions committee see that? All I want to do is work at an academic medical center--teaching graduate and medical students, and performing research on the frontier of medicine. That's all I want to do. This is my dream, but maybe it's just that, a dream...

People will tell me that I still have 17 schools that could possibly want me... I realize that, but having 3 schools deny me in one day hurts; its some of the worst pain I've been in. I've broken down and cried multiple times. I cried as I opened every letter. I cried as I was running. I've cried since I've been home. I feel like my world is shattering all around me. That the pieces of glass are embedded in my body and causing me all of this pain. I need an escape, but no escape until I know that at least one school wants me.

Could these be fleeting boyhood dreams? Possibly...

Happy Madonna Day!

2010-08-16T21:08:00.001-04:00

Today is Madonna's birthday! It is a celebration that should happen around the world. Her music has taught me to be strong, passionate, playful, driven, myself, non-judgmental, proud of myself, not to be afraid of others judgments, and many other great and amazing things. Here's to the Queen of Pop! And no, I'm not referring to Lady Gaga. I'm referring to the one who did it all before her and who still reigns supreme!

Happy birthday Madonna!

Proposition 8

2010-08-15T18:31:00.005-04:00

Before I say anything serious about the subject, I wanted to say that it is hilarious how when the ruling was made that everybody in the west was freaking out, but nobody in the east cared. It seems like more than land distances the east from the west... Anyways, now back to what I wanted to say.

I don't believe I have ever said this on my blog before, but I supported the No on Prop. 8 campaign. The reasons for this are many, but I will name a few and possibly elaborate on them. First, I believe that God brought us here to make choices and determine what is the path of life we want to take. Isn't that what Jesus fought for in the pre-existence? Satan supported control and making everybody follow God's will to get back to heaven or Satan supported letting man do whatever he wanted with no consequences, thus gaining salvation no matter what (whichever you believe... I've heard both and I am more partial to the second). However, Christ fought for the ability to choose, and that is what God wanted. He gives us commandments to follow through prophets and personal revelation, BUT it is our choice whether we follow these or disregard them. That being said, it means that everybody should have the choice to do what they please and not have anyone else impose their beliefs on them. I'll give one caveat, I believe this in full unless it harms another person e.g. murder, stealing, rape, etc. I do not see same-sex marriages falling into this category. How are they harming other people? I see no harmful causes and if someone does have a harmful cause, please enlighten me and prove it with scientific evidence.

Second our country was built upon freedom, specifically many of the people who came to America were looking for religious freedom AKA freedom of beliefs. People wanted to believe what they wanted without persecution. That is the main reason they left Europe. Our Founding Fathers then said that all men (and women) are created equal and have certain unalienable rights, those of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. If people are not allowed to enter into same-sex marriages (I consider marriage to be part of the unalienable right of the pursuit of happiness), they are not equal. However, our Founding Fathers stated that all men (and women) are CREATED EQUAL and have rights. This would make LGBT community second class citizens. Does this sound familiar? African-Americans were considered second class citizens for thousands of years. They did not obtain their full rights until 1968. Even though we have come a long way, some people still consider African Americans as second class citizens (then LGBT folks are lower to some... I guess that makes us third class citizens or pond scum). If we are all created equal, have certain unalienable rights, and are free, shouldn't we all have the EXACT same rights? I believe so.

Third, different morals does not mean the whole world is going to fall apart and end. People have had varying morals since the beginning of time. This goes back to the choice argument. We have the right to choose what to do and what is best for us. Just because you have different morals than someone else does not make you inherently better than them. They might be one of the most anthropic person in the world, but they might smoke and drink. Does that make you better than them? No. Also, the whole moral argument does not sit well with me. Why isn't there a bigger push to outlaw smoking, drinking alcohol and tea, having sex outside of marriage, having children out of wedlock, eating too much, etc.? All of those are considered morally wrong, but the prophet and the Church are not spending a lot of money fighting all of those evils. It doesn't entirely make sense to me. Where is the logical behind creating a law against one moral, but not another?

Finally, my opinion is completely summed up in this simple sentence written by a close friend. "It is ridiculous for someone to think their personal view of morality trumps someone else's freedom of choice and equality."

I have more I want to write, but I need to do other things. This is to be continued...

Prop. 8 In Brief

2010-08-07T21:04:00.003-04:00

I have some thoughts about the latest Prop. 8 news. I don't have the time to blog about it at the moment, but I will say that this hay-day, or gay-day if you will, probably won't last. You may see me as pessimistic, but I'm just being honest. If all of you think you are equal now just because of California, the truth is that we are not. That is all until I actually write the blog.

Recipes?

2010-07-03T10:24:00.002-04:00

Anyone have some fast recipes for dinner that they care to share with me? I realize that when I moved out here that I mainly know how to cook things that take too long to cook AKA over 30 minutes. If anyone cares to share their fast recipes, I'd greatly appreciate it!

PS I'll get to some hardcore blogging when I have more time. I'm still trying to get settled down here.

Stubbornness pt. 1

2010-06-16T00:55:00.002-04:00

I am one of the most stubborn people you will meet. I am the most stubborn person in my family. I want to hear your thoughts on stubbornness. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it both? When is it good? When is it bad? Can stubbornness be changed?

I'd appreciate any thoughts you all have. After I read through yours, I'll post mine.

Thanks,
Sean

This is What I Hope For...

2010-06-15T01:57:00.002-04:00

This is Dan Humphrey from Gossip Girl. I hope to find a friend like him while I'm working at the NIH.

Research Experience Statement

2010-06-14T19:16:00.002-04:00

This is the research that I have been doing for the past 2 years. Read it if you are interested or just skip it.

For nearly two years, I worked in Dr. Gregory Burton’s laboratory at Brigham Young University. His studies focus on understanding the molecular interactions between follicular dendritic cells (FDCs) and HIV. Specifically, we examined the contributions of two FDC receptors, CD32 (FcγR) and CD21 (CR2), that played significant roles in the trapping and long-term maintenance of HIV.

My first project was molecular cloning of HIV. We received samples of lymph nodes from HIV infected patients. I isolated the HIV virons and the RNA, and performed reverse transcription. After making cDNA, I PCR amplified the products, inserted the amplimers into vectors, and inserted them into bacteria. I then sequenced the inserts in the vectors and performed phylogenetic analysis of the HIV genome. This work showed that the HIV genome from one lymph node is not the same as another, and that the genome in the same lymph node is very similar. These findings were consistent with past research. This project was used to train me in basic laboratory techniques, and double-check the findings for a paper that is still in the process of being published.

My second project examined different pathways of FDC activation, and if FDCs up-regulate or down-regulate CD32 and CD21 through the different pathways. I isolated FDCs from human tonsillar tissue through positive selection using a FACS machine. To activate the cells, I incubated the FDCs with lipopolysaccharide (LPS), antibodies, complement, immune complexes, immune complexes+complement, neutralizing HIV antibody immune complexes, or neutralizing HIV antibody immune complexes+complement. After the incubation, I extracted the RNA from FDCs, performed reverse transcription, and then analyzed the cDNA with real time PCR. I found that each of these known immune system activators up-regulated CD32 and CD21 at differing degrees. During this project, I also incubated FDCs with alpha-1 antitrypsin. We found that alpha-1 antitrypsin deactivates FDCs, but we did not know why it deactivated these cells. These findings focused our group’s research on determining the intracellular pathways of activation through CD32 and CD21.

My third project focused on discovering the proteins associated with CD21 on FDCs. I hypothesized that CD21 on FDCs is associated with similar proteins as CD21 on B cells, meaning that the B cell co-receptor (CD21/CD19/CD81) is on FDCs. The B cell co-receptor could then activate FDCs in the same or a similar intracellular signaling pathway as B cells. The experimental protocol that I designed was to use fluorescently labeled antibodies to CD21, CD19, and CD81, and then use FRET analysis to determine if the proteins are associated with one another. If they were associated with one another, we would then perform protein cross-linkings and immunoprecipitations to determine the intracellular pathway of activation, and establish if it was the same or similar to the B cell co-receptor activation pathway. I grew hybridomas for CD21, CD19, and CD81, isolated the antibodies, and fluorescently labeled them. Then I isolated B cells from peripheral blood mononuclear cells (PBMCs) through positive selection using a MACS machine, and I isolated FDCs with the same methods as my second project. After separation of the cells, I incubated them with the fluorescently labeled antibodies, used a confocal microscope to perform FRET, and analyzed the results. When I left the laboratory, I had performed some preliminary trials without the α-CD81 antibody, because we were waiting for the α-CD81 antibody to be produced by another principle investigator. Despite missing the α-CD81 antibody, the preliminary results were promising.

My fourth project studied the role of FDCs in activating CD4+ T cells with a latent HIV infection. Studies have shown that FDCs and FDC supernatant can activate latent T cells, but the mechanism is not known. In efforts to determine the mechanism, I isolated CD4+ T cells from PBMCs through positive selection using a MACS machine. After activating the growth signal with IL-2 in the isolated cells, I would infect the cells with an HIV variant. The HIV variant has a faulty envelope gene that can be used to infect the cell, but its progeny can never bud off the cell. If the infection were not latent, the cell would die from viral overload. However, if the infection were latent, the CD4+ T cells would survive. After the latent infection was established, I induced viral protein formation with differing amounts of PHA+Ionomycin or IL-2+IL-7, measured p24 levels within the cells with α-p24 antibodies, and created dose curves comparing activator versus viral expression. These dose curves were then compared to induction of viral protein formation when the latent T cells were incubated with FDCs and FDC supernatant. When I left the lab, we were continuing to induce latent T cells with FDCs and PHA+Ionomycin or IL-2+IL-7, and we were performing mass spectrometry on the FDC supernatant to determine the protein that is causing latent T cells to form HIV particles.

Currently, I am working in Dr. Jeffery Gildersleeve’s laboratory at the National Institutes of Health, specifically in the National Cancer Institute for a year long post-baccalaureate. His research focuses on developing carbohydrate microarrays to assist in analyzing cellular markers, tumors, and vaccine efficacy. I am working on developing a microarray to test epitopes and specificity of antibodies formed by the HIV/AIDS vaccine. Developing this microarray would give researchers a rapid determination of the efficacy of the HIV/AIDS vaccine in the different stage trials of FDA approval.

MD/PhD Statement

2010-06-14T19:15:00.001-04:00

I am pursuing the combined MD/PhD degree because I want to practice clinical medicine, teach, and perform research at an academic medical center. My initial interest in medicine was focused largely on practicing clinical medicine. I saw physicians curing people of diseases, and I wanted to be like them. This desire was further perpetuated through my shadowing experiences. I have shadowed a pediatrician, an oncologist, and a gastroenterologist. Interacting with doctors and patients has strengthened my interest in attending to patients. When I was shadowing the oncologist, I met a woman who had two mastectomies to remove breast cancer. At the post-surgical follow up, she was in tears because she said that she was no longer herself—I wished there was something that I could do. The doctor showed compassion for her, and helped her deal with her new situation. I want to be like him, and care for people in a clinical setting.

In addition to practicing clinical medicine, I want to educate others in medicine. While I have been a coach, a tutor, and a teaching assistant, I have developed a love for teaching. As a teaching assistant, I instructed a few lectures. These lectures were enjoyable to prepare and to teach. I liked sharing my knowledge with others and being able to help them understand the material presented. In addition, as a coach, I found satisfaction in teaching people of all ages how to swim properly and reach their goals. I know these attitudes will carry over into teaching at a medical school. I will find satisfaction in helping my students succeed inside and outside of the classroom, through formal instruction and through patient-physician interactions. Being an educator at a medical school will allow me to use my passion and desire for teaching to help others train to become physicians and properly care for their patients.

Another aspect of medicine that interests me is research, specifically researching immunology. I joined a biochemistry/immunology research group at the start of my junior year, and continued to work there for nearly two years. This group is focused on the biological mechanisms of HIV pathogenesis, reservoir formation in secondary lymphoid tissue, and increased infectivity with follicular dendritic cells (FDCs). The team is studying how to prevent or remove a reservoir of HIV from the body. We found a molecule that deactivates FDCs, which could possibly serve as a treatment for HIV/AIDS patients, and stop HIV reservoir formation in secondary lymphoid tissue. I have found research to be rewarding. It is challenging and I can discover something previously unknown, with the potential to help many who suffer from a particular disease. I want to continue to research to discover the unknown, and increase understanding of the human body and the diseases that affect it, given that basic research of the body and diseases will allow doctors to provide patients with a better quality of care and disease prevention.

Personal Statement 2011

2010-06-14T19:14:00.000-04:00

It was the first swimming practice of my freshman year. I walked on the pool deck not knowing anyone, but determined to make the Brigham Young University intercollegiate swimming/diving team. The coach gathered us together and had us introduce ourselves. I discovered that I was one of ten people trying out for one position on the team. Fears crept in and I questioned whether or not I was good enough for the team. Despite my fears, I decided to try out because I knew I would regret not taking the challenge. For the next two months, I tried to prove to the coach that I deserved the one position. I remember the soreness of my muscles that were begging me not to jump into the water, run another stair, and lift another weight. However, I pushed through the soreness and watched as others quit or were cut from the team. The day of the last cut came, and the decision was between a diver and me. The coach pulled me aside to tell me the news; I did not make the team. I thanked him for the opportunity, and I was grateful for the experience and that I made it to the last cut. If I had quit that first day, I knew I would have regretted not trying out.

“I know I will regret not taking the challenge,” has been a saying that has guided me through my decision to become a doctor. At a young age, I watched my grandfather die due to complications from diabetes, and I was hospitalized and operated on for severe appendicitis. Throughout these experiences, I saw many physicians, and was in awe of their knowledge and skills; I wanted to be like them. When I entered high school, I enrolled in the medical sciences track, and learned the demands of the medical field. The coursework was challenging, yet I continued to develop my passion for medicine from the courses I took and my shadowing experiences. I loved learning about the human body and how to help people suffering from disease. Upon graduation, I was ranked first in the track, and I had earned a medical assisting license. A pediatrician I shadowed offered me a full-time medical assisting position. I knew that if I accepted this, I would have to postpone my undergraduate studies and medical school. I declined the opportunity because I wanted to play a more active role in medicine, even though this is the more challenging route.

Between being a biochemistry major, volunteering, researching, and shadowing, I had a demanding schedule in college. From this, I was learning how to be a doctor. However, it was not until I became head swimming coach that I fully understood how doctors feel after helping patients. While volunteering as the head coach, my demands were increased. Despite these changes, I found satisfaction in helping my team succeed and mature. I watched my swimmers improve their times, qualify for state, take third place at state, and learn life lessons. During this time, the stresses in my life seemed to decrease, and I enjoyed my busy life. This is how physicians must feel; they are satisfied with their challenging lives because they are helping others.

All of my preparation for medical school culminated in the early morning on January 1, 2010. After ringing in the New Year, I saw a man and a collapsed woman on the side of the street. They caught my eye and I told my friend to stop the car. The man ran up to us and explained that this woman was thrown out of a moving truck and was unresponsive. Seeing this man’s plight and the woman’s poor condition, I knew that I needed to help her. I ran to the woman and noticed that she was in worse condition than explained. She was foaming at the mouth, her eyes were rolled back into her head, and her breathing was shallow and labored. I used my knowledge from my experiences to try to help her, but it was not good enough. Following my unsuccessful attempt to wake her, I took her weak pulse and respiration rate and called 911. An ambulance arrived, and the EMTs quickly took over the situation. I watched them quickly regain her consciousness. As the ambulance drove off, I wished that I could have continued to care for her, and I was glad this woman received help. After this experience, I knew that I had made the correct decision to pursue becoming a doctor. There was no regret.

After getting cut from the swim team, I had no regret. I did my best and I did not quit. By trying out, I learned that closing one door opens many others. If I had made the team, I would never have been able to volunteer as a swim coach, perform research, shadow physicians, or manage a store. These experiences helped me understand what the best physicians do—they responsibly work to help others, despite the chance of failure. In addition, I learned the strength of the mind. My mind became a powerful tool that was able to push my body past my perceived limits. I was able to swim farther and work harder than I had before. This attribute will be vital in medical school and as a physician, because having strength of mind will give me assistance to persevere. I have learned valuable lessons by challenging myself, and I am excited for the future challenges I will face. Just as I would have been unsatisfied for not challenging myself to tryout for the swim team, I know that I would have regretted not taking the challenge to pursue a career in academic medicine.

Welcome to the Future!

2010-06-07T18:41:00.005-04:00

Welcome to the future! That's what I feel like my life is telling me right now. I'm a graduate from BYU with a BS in Biochemistry and a minor in Sociology as Magna Cum Laude. I'm headed off to the NIH/NCI in Frederick, MD at the end of June for a year long post-baccalaureate research position (basically it is a paid internship). I will be working on developing a microarray to test the efficacy of the HIV/AIDS vaccines that are being developed across the nation and world. It is really exciting! :) I'm also reapplying for medical school, but this time I am applying for MD/PhD programs, instead of MD programs. These are much harder to get into, but I'm hoping to receive a position. I would love to research, teach, and practice clinical medicine at an academic medical center. So yeah, that's my update for now. I'll post my application essays soon. Hope all is well with everyone!

PS I was recently diagnosed with Spasmodic Torticollis.

Spammers

2010-06-07T18:30:00.002-04:00

Does anyone know how to get rid of spammers? I tried word verification, but it's not working. I'm sick of the annoying Asian characters appearing in my comments that are not directed at me.

I've Been Bad...

2010-05-12T13:46:00.001-04:00

I've been a bad blogger as of late. Sorry about that. I will write a couple of blogs catching you up on my life for the past 3 months or so... promise!

Shot Down With A Shotgun

2010-03-22T18:51:00.003-04:00

In my Sociology of Gender class, we are supposed to write a paper on a gender inequality and then perform a "service learning" project on the paper. I decided to write my paper on the effects of conservative religion on society's view of homosexuality. The paper is actually very quite interesting and might post it here on my blog, but that's not what I am blogging about today. There is a group of us that decided to write a paper on some issue of homosexuality. Our service learning project involved having a booth in the Wilk and handing out information concerning the Church's stance on homosexuality. We were also planning on having a forum, which discussed the Church's stance and then I had a few people, including myself, that were going to talk about growing up gay in the Church. We thought that by doing this, we could educate some members of the Church and have an open discussion about homosexuality, which never happens in church.

Well, it looks like none of this is going to happen. We went to BYU with an outline of what we were going to present, basically information from God Loveth His Children. However, they didn't even like that. BYU wouldn't let us have a forum and they even wouldn't let us have a booth to hand out information. Some of my group are protesting and handing out fliers south of campus. I would like to do this, but I've almost been kicked out of BYU and I don't need this happening again right before I'm going to graduate in April. I'm going to form the flier to hand out. Anyways, I digress... It makes me sad that BYU and the Church is still sweeping this issue under the rug. All that we wanted to do was educate members. They could choose to listen or choose to come to the forum if they wanted to, nobody would be making them to do either. Oh well, I guess all that I can do is try. I know that having the gay and lesbian members of the Church speak in settings like this would help understanding grow and help those in later generations who are growing up gay or lesbian in the Church not struggle as much. I just wish that the Church would talk about this touchy subject more and show the gay and lesbian members of the Church that they care more than they seem to be showing us.

I know that this project and all of my hopes were wishful thinking. I know that in the past I was hoping that the General Authorities would openly speak about homosexuality in General Conference, but this has never happened. I bet that it isn't going to happen this session either.

Columbia and Baylor

2010-02-20T19:06:00.001-05:00

Last week was my first medical school interview. I headed off to the wonderful city of New York. I stayed there for five days (thank the Lord for a three day weekend) with a good friend who is working for Goldman Sachs, which was nice because my expenses were very low. All that I can say is that I love New York and would love to live in that city. It was magnificent. While I was there, I saw Wicked (amazing), the Financial District, Wall Street, the Wall Street Bull, the Meat Packing District, Chinese New Year in Chinatown, Little Italy, Times Square, the Metropolitan Museum, the Museum of Art Design, the Museum of Modern Art, and so much more! There was so much to do and I highly doubt I would ever get bored.

I thought that I would be overwhelmed with the city, but I wasn’t. When I first arrived at JFK, I was overwhelmed with getting on a bus to Manhattan and then getting my way to my friend’s apartment. After dropping off my suitcase, I navigated the subways to Columbia all by myself. I was very nervous about that, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I became quickly acclimated to the city.

Columbia is a beautiful place (I’m a sucker for huge hospitals). There was so much going on there that I loved. I loved the curriculum, the service opportunities, the free homeless shelter/clinic, the school, the people, the diversity, and again, much more. My interview was probably subpar. The reason for this was because the first question the interviewer asked me was why I wanted to become a doctor. I told him about my desires to help others, but I also told him about my desire to earn an MD/PhD. He then looked me straight in the face and asked me, “Why are you here then?” The reason he asked me is that an MD/PhD has a different application and interview than an MD. I told him about how my desire to earn a PhD recently developed. I then felt like I was fighting my way back from the grave for the rest of the interview. He was always questioning my motives of being there. I think that I had a decent interview, but not an amazing one. I hope that it works out so that I could go to Columbia, because I loved the school and the city.

I just barely returned from my trip to Baylor. I didn’t spend much time in Houston, but from what I saw, it reminded me a lot of Salt Lake City. This isn’t a bad thing, but I much prefer a bigger city and I prefer something that wouldn’t remind me of home. Don’t get me wrong. I do love Utah, but I am ready for a new place and a new adventure. Houston, being the fourth largest city in the US, didn’t seem like a big city. I still had a good time.

The interview was yesterday and I felt like I rocked the two I had. The first one was with a doctor. She was an amazing, strong woman from Germany (I’m a sucker for strong women). She and I had a lot in common and so the interview flowed very naturally. I had a great time talking to her and she seemed to enjoy our conversation. At the end of the interview, she told me that she was planning on giving me a very strong recommendation to the admissions committee. I’m really stoked for this! The second interview also went well. This time it was with a fourth year student. He asked me some ethical questions and my opinion on health care reform. He agreed what I said in my responses and told me that I gave a good strong response, whereas other interviewees gave lackluster comments. This made me extremely happy. After the seven hour long interview session, full of interviews and tours, most of the applicants headed to an Irish Pub paid for by Baylor. We had free food and some good times. I enjoyed my time there, but I was surprised how many people were getting hammered and smashed. I thought that people in the medical profession would know better, but I guess the socialization of the norms for my age group is still there. It made me uncomfortable so I left, especially because all of the people that I made friends with during the interview session were completely drunk.

I really loved Baylor too! The school was amazing and beautiful! It had basically everything the same as Columbia, except it was in Houston. I really like both Columbia and Baylor. I’m not sure how things are going to work out, but I’m not sure if I would go to Baylor because of Houston. If it were between Columbia and Baylor, I would definitely go to Columbia. I would be happy at either place, but I would be happier at Columbia. I still have one more interview at The Ohio State, so things might change. I still haven’t heard back from the NIH either and that will definitely change what direction I go. If I get into the NIH, I will definitely reapply as an MD/PhD, which I am currently working on.

What happens next year still scares me because my future is still a mystery. I can’t make long-term goals to achieve because I don’t know where I’ll be, but wherever I end up will be the best for me and it will be the best route for me to take in life.

Out of Touch

2010-02-20T09:40:00.004-05:00

I feel out of touch right now. I really don't know what to do. My friend told me that he suffers from severe depression that runs through his family and would like me to help him with it. The reason he asked me for my help was because he felt that out of all of his friends I would be able to help him through the hard times. I agreed to do my best, even though I don't know a lot about depression. It's been awhile since he told me about it and I feel like I haven't done anything to help him. I'm completely out of touch. Whenever I try to talk to him, help him, or do something with him when he is depressed, he pulls away. I reach out to him, but he never grabs my out reached hand. It is extremely frustrating. I know that I shouldn't be frustrated, because it is his life and I need to let him come to me. The problem is that the natural doctor comes out inside of me; the care, compassion, and dedication. I hate seeing him in pain and suffering and then not letting me help when he asked me to. I want to help him become happy enjoy life to its fullest. I don't know what to do anymore though because I am so out of touch.

I pose a question for all of you. What should I do? I feel so out of touch and that I need to be doing something differently to help him. Also, don't give me suggestions about therapy and medications because both of those are already happening. I would really appreciate any advice.

Coming Out In Class

2010-02-05T15:36:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday in my Sociology of Gender class we were talking about victimization of the GLBT community. We started off by talking about the different sociological theories of why the GLBT community is victimized and it was a good discussion. Then it started to get into some iffy ground such as how men choose to be gay and women to be a lesbian, that people telling them they were gay throughout childhood and high school caused them to believe they were gay, etc. People were saying these things I was either going to say something or walk out of class. I have a TA that I knew for sure was gay and is married in a MOM. He got up and came out to everyone. I didn't expect this to happen, but I guess he and the professor had planned this. They knew where the discussion was going to head because it has gone that way many times before. He started talking about doctrine of the Church concerning gay and lesbian individuals and people were not responding very aptly to it. He also talked about how most gay and lesbian people leave the Church and how they have the highest suicide rate. It seemed like the class wasn't understanding the whole topic, so I chimed in.

I raised my hand, was subsequently called on, and told the whole class that I am gay. I told them of my struggles going up with accepting myself and wanting God to take away my gayness because I was a sinner. I talked about the many nights I would plead to God with tears, along with my many sleepless nights. I mentioned when I finally came to terms with everything, I became happy and that I was allowed to become the true me, instead of hiding. I decided to start talking about how I struggled with the Church my whole life and how I still struggle with it, but even more since Prop. 8. I talked of how I didn't like going to Priesthood or Sunday School because of the hurtful things people said. I told them that I still don't go because of it. I also told them how hurtful and wrong it was to treat people the way most Mormons do because they are gay or lesbian. I told them that Mormons needed to be more Christ-like and accepting of everyone. During the time I was getting some weird and disgusting looks, whereas others were giving me looks of acceptance and partial understanding. It was interesting to see how the lines divided between the class and I could see it in their faces.

After class, some people came up and talked to me. They thanked me for sharing my experiences and opening their eyes. Others talked about how I shouldn't judge what people say because the Church is true and perfect, whereas the people of the Church are not and other topics like that. Some also came up and thanked me for what I said and that they were glad that there was an arena where they could finally hear from some and discuss the taboo topic of being gay. I also got this email from W in the class:

Sean,
I just wanted to send you a quick note to say thank you for what you did today in class. This has been one of the most profound classes thus far for me in my college career. I took a lot of guts to admit that you were gay today in class and even more to admit the hard times you are having with those around you. I find it particularly disgraceful how you were treated in church, and am sorry you have had to and continue to endure things like that. Your faith to me is outstanding and you are an example for all those around you.

I have a friend who is struggling with his self identity right now and I think he would be interested in sitting down and talking with you. As you probably know it’s not something he is just going to come out and talk to anyone about, but he has been looking for some to talk to who understand the importance of confidentiality. If you would not be opposed to this I will give him the option.

I would also like to let you know that should you ever need a friend, or simply a person to hang out with after church or school some time I would be more than willing to be your friend. I think you will find that I am a little more open minded than most people that live in Utah.

I know that this email may seem strange and if you’re really freaked out by it than just ignore it and move on. Never-the- less, again I would like to say thank you for what you did today, and I admire you for the strong person you are.

W

Overall, I think it was a good, adventurous time. I wrote W an email back and described how I felt like I didn't have much faith in the Church and how we should meet up for lunch sometime to discuss the topic more, if we wanted to. I also told him that I would be more than happy to talk to his friend. He responded that I believe in God and Jesus Christ and that is all that matters. He also wants to go out for lunch sometime. We'll see how it turns out, at least now I have a friend in the class. It was also nice to know that not everybody thought I was a weirdo and that people are actually accepting of me.

Sociology of Gender

2010-02-03T19:29:00.006-05:00

I came out to my Sociology of Gender class today. More on this later...

When I Grow Up

2010-02-02T20:19:00.004-05:00

When I grow up, I want to be in a career of academic medicine. I have been pushing this idea around for the past couple of years and it has really struck me that this is what I really want to do ever since Christmas and it has been getting stronger and stronger each day. I want to be in a situation where I can practice clinical medicine, perform research, and teach at an academic medical center. That is what I truly want to do. I don't want to be just a doctor. I want to be someone who is looking for cures, teaching future doctors, and helping patients have better lives. I'm kicking myself in the head because I should have went with my instinct when I first applied to medical school. I should not have let others convince me otherwise because I only applied to MD programs when I should have applied to at least some MD/PhD programs. I guess that there is always next year.

Right now, I have three interviews for a MD. I have one next week at Columbia, one the week after at Baylor, and the last in March at The Ohio State. We'll see if I get in or not. To be honest, I hope that I don't get in and I am already starting my applications again. My hope of not getting in is because I am not sure if I can get accepted into an MD program and then switch to an MD/PhD program. If I can, that would be ideal, especially if I got into Columbia or Baylor. If not, I have my back-up plans. My back-up plan is denying admittance or postponing matriculation for a year and then reapplying. I already applied for a post-baccalaureate program at the NIH for a year. I really hope that I get into the program because it will really boost my résumé. The I can apply to MD/PhD programs and see what happens. If I don't get accepted into and MD/PhD, I have my MD to fall back on at one of the three schools above (that is if I get accepted into their institution).

Anyways, those are my plans for right now. I am really loving life. I work 30-40 hours a week in my research lab and then I am still coaching Timpview swimming. We won Region a couple of weekends ago and we are going to make a run for state this coming weekend. I hope that we can win! I am also really excited to be in New York next week for my first interview (It's my first time in the Big Apple).

Second Interview

2010-01-12T09:42:00.004-05:00

On Sunday, I received another interview at Baylor for February 19th. I'm very excited about this one because I would like to go to Baylor more so than The Ohio State (the interview is on March 17th). I don't know if I will get in so I've started cementing my back up plans.

Currently, I am working on my primary medical school application again. This includes writing another personal statement and boosting my resume with more activities, research, service, leadership, shadowing, etc. This will hopefully make me stand out as a candidate. I am also working on an application to do a post-baccalaureate at the NIH (National Institute of Health) in Bethesda, MD (near Washington D.C.) this upcoming year. My research professor believes that I have a good chance of getting into their post-baccalaureate program since I have a lot of research experience and good grades. We will see what happens. If I do get into this program and by some miracle get into medical school too, I will postpone my matriculation to medical school and do my post-baccalaureate at the NIH. This might give me the chance to for sure decide if I want to only be a M.D. or a M.D./Ph.D. I've seriously been considering doing a M.D./Ph.D again and if I receive the post-baccalaureate, I will probably head the M.D./Ph.D route.

Anyways, there is a quick update on my life. It's good! :)

Blogging

2010-01-08T09:44:00.002-05:00

I have the urge to blog, but I have no idea what to write.

Life is good though! :)

Interview #1

2009-12-09T15:10:00.001-05:00

I got invited for an interview at Ohio State! I'm so excited! It's on March 17. It's not one of my first choices, but it is school that I could definitely attend without regrets. They have a great program and great facilities... I will see what happens and if they like me during my interview. Now it's time to prepare for the interview that is a couple of months away.

I'm hoping for more interviews coming up soon, since I have my first one.

I feel like I can breath a little now...

Plans...

2009-11-27T14:56:00.002-05:00

I've set a course out for future plans if medical school doesn't work out this year. These are my plans after I graduate in April:

Move to California
Get a biomedical/biochemistry related job (I'm already working on this one and my cousin Val Pal is setting me up with her friend who works for a biomedical company)
Gain residency in California
Expand my resume
Volunteer at a charity medical clinic
Continue coaching swimming, if possible
Take the GRE
Take the GRE: Biochemistry Supplement Test
Reapply to medical school
If option 9 doesn't work again, apply to graduate school and move on

I hope all of this works out, if I'm not admitted into medical school this year. Thanks for all of your support. I do appreciate it.

Top 5 Biggest Fears

2009-11-22T00:19:00.003-05:00

Failure
Not being able to help others, especially those I care about
Hurting others, especially those I care about
Not getting into medical school
Losing my passion and dreams in life

Why do all of these seem to becoming true all at once? Sigh...

Future, What Future?

2009-11-11T18:23:00.001-05:00

I am depressed about my future. I feel like I don't have one. I feel like my dreams are falling through the cracks or shattering into a million and one pieces. I just don't know what to do anymore. The interview season is almost over (2 or 3 months depending on the school) and I have yet to hear back from one medical school. It is getting beyond frustrating. I've tried really hard not to think about it, but it's all that I can think about lately. I really want to go to medical school and I feel like it is going to be the best place for me, but I guess the schools are thinking otherwise. Sigh...

I've started looking into taking the GRE and applying to graduate schools in biochemistry because I don't think I'm going to get into medical school. This is something that I don't want to do because I don't want to be in a lab my whole life. I want to be interacting with people and healing them. It looks like this isn't going to happen though. Sigh... Life is so depressing right now.

What did I do wrong? What should I have done differently? Should I call or email the medical schools to see about my application status?

I feel like a failure.

Amusing

2009-11-03T09:46:00.001-05:00

I found this amusing.

http://www.clusterflock.org/2009/11/i-thirst.html

Bus...

2009-11-01T20:41:00.004-05:00

This is what I have been feeling like for the past couple of days...

I've been thrown under the bus of life, yet again... Sigh...

Friendships

2009-10-28T09:24:00.003-04:00

I read a post by Boskers this morning about friendship. Having friends is an interesting concept because it is different for everyone. Some people need to have as many friendships as possible, whether these friendship are close or not does not matter. Then there are others who need to have a few close friendships or a small group that they click with and always do things with. Finally, there are few who can have many acquaintances, some closer acquaintances, and a close friend or two and be happy. Note: These aren't the only categories, but more like extremes. I realize that there are mixes of these three categories that I've claimed.

As I have looked at my friendships since reading that post, I've realized that I fall into the final category. I have many acquaintances that I may occasionally do something with or talk to. I also have some closer friends that I see more often and go out to lunch with. Finally, I have a couple of close friends (I'm going to say two) that I regularly hang out with... well, kind of. Regularly for me is maybe once in a week or two. It doesn't happen very often. I have come to see myself as a lone wolf. I came to this vision of myself as I was writing my medical school essays.

As a lone wolf, I feel like I don't need friendships. I don't need people in my life. I guess that is why a lot of my friendships come and go. I makes me wonder if my friends realize this. Anyways, I digress... I am completely contempt to work, research, study, go to school, serve at the retirement home, and read a book, instead of interacting with others. There are many Friday and Saturday nights where I am in the research lab until 9 or 10 pm or I might be studying in the library. I don't crave social interaction, unless it is with my close friends (the two of them). They are the people that I miss and they fill a small void that I have inside of me. I love them dearly and would hate to have them out of my life.

So yeah, I really don't know why I am writing this. It was my stream of conscientiousness running wild. Here is a shout out to my two best friends Nile-o and Sherica. I love you both! :)

PS I hope that I didn't make any of my closer friends or acquaintances feel bad by reading this. It was just some thoughts that came out of my head. I love all my friends, even though we aren't as close as my two best friends.

Drained

2009-10-22T21:32:00.002-04:00

I am completely drained; drained beyond comprehension. I want everything to be done. I don't want any of this anymore. I'm only getting four or five hours of sleep each night. I'm drowning in everything that I am involved in. I'm falling behind in classes, yet still holding on to good grades. I spend way too much time in the research lab, but I can't leave because I have experiments running that need my attention. I spent seven hours at a swim meet yesterday that should have only been three or less. Then the day before I had a coaches meeting that went on for three hours. I think that I've actually over-done myself this time. I am also sick of waiting for interviews. I have been questioning if I am a good applicant or not. If I am meant to go to medical school. If I can even handle medical school. These feelings have also stopped me from finishing my last four applications. Some are due the first of November and I need to finish them quickly, while others are due in the middle of November. I need to hurry and finish those. Everything is crashing down. Why can't this end? When will the madness stop?

I have a project that I should be working on at the moment that is due at eleven tonight, but I have no motivation. I haven't had time to work on it. I just want to go to bed and sleep. I feel like my purpose in life is lost. My passion is lost. I'm just going through the motions to stay afloat.

FML.

Help!

2009-10-07T11:16:00.002-04:00

I am stuck on one of my last medical school applications because I am not sure what to write about. Here is the prompt: "What makes you special, someone who will add to the Mount Sinai community?" This prompt has given me a lot of trouble, more so than any other. This is because I need to write an essay that isn't full of cockiness and arrogance, yet at the same time I have to show that I am a unique person that will bring something to Mount Sinai Medical School. I turn this over to all of you because I am not sure what to write about and all of my friends and family say generic things to write about.

What do you think makes me special?

The Killers!

2009-09-25T11:45:00.002-04:00

-"Spaceman" by The Killers

In honor of the killers and me gong to their concert tomorrow! I'm pretty much stoked! HUZZAH!

Awesome!

2009-09-24T22:21:00.000-04:00

This is awesome! I want to do this sometime...

http://splashnewsonline.celebuzz.com/2009/09/video-flash-mob-madonna-tokyo.html

Engaged? Married? Gay?

2009-09-23T14:56:00.004-04:00

I have had so many adventures in just one day! I can't believe it. Seriously... It is such a good day because of all of my adventures even though I have a lot of school work, research, work, medical school applications, and everything else going on!

The first adventure came when I ran into someone from my freshman ward. He served a mission and now he is home, obviously. This guy I for sure know is gay. My gaydar went off from the moment I met him and he continued to set it off the more that I interacted with him. My interactions with him today set it off all over again. Today he had a pastel purple shirt on (lilac) and he recently had his hair done with highlights. He was wearing tight jeans and amazing shoes (I want his shoes really bad). As we talked and caught up a little bit, he suddenly says that he has to introduce his fiance to me. I was caught really off guard! He has only been home for three months and he is already getting married! What the crap?!?! This is not right. I wanted to tell him that it's ok to be gay and accept yourself before you get into a marriage, but I held my tongue. His fiance seems really nice and innocent... I believe she is a sophomore that he met in class--making her 19 or 20. Sigh... I hope it works out for them.

My next adventure came when I ran into one of my old friends from high school. I hadn't seen her in ages and we spent some time catching up. I guess that there are some rumors going around the Timpview High School class of 2006 that I am engaged or married. Seriously... I want to know who is spreading those rumors around! hahaha! I have only had one girlfriend in my life and now she is just one of my good friends. I don't know where people are getting these things. I find it highly amusing. Then to add to this adventure, another person from my graduating class said the same thing! I heard it from two mouths and now I guess I only need a third to make the rumor to be legit. I wonder where everybody is getting it from.

My third adventure was in my Immunology class. My professor was talking about "promiscuous" MHCs and she said a lot of things that could be taken the wrong way. The whole time I was stifling laughs. She had no idea what she was saying. Then out of the blue, a really annoying kid in the back of the class says, "Do you think that MHC II DM knocks up MHC Class II?" because she kind of said something similar. Everybody got a good chuckle out of that joke and then she was watching what she was saying for the rest of time. It was a let down... oh well, such is life sometimes.

My last adventure, so far, was with the guy who stares as me on campus. I saw him yet again today. Well, I did see him yesterday too. He was definitely staring at me and so instead of ignoring him this time, I stared right back. I think I freaked him out because he quickly stopped staring. He then quickly packed his bag and then left. My guess is that he doesn't read my blog, that he is gay, and that he is my secret admirer/stalker... I'll have to see if he stays on the same route as me and continue to stare.

That's about it for right now. I may post a few more adventures if they come up today because toady is an adventurous day!

I kind of feel like Dora the Explorer for say that...

Person I See A Lot...

2009-09-19T11:15:00.005-04:00

Dear person that I see a lot on campus who I see staring at me:

If you are reading this blog and recognize me, just come up to me and say hi. I promise I won't be freaked out in the least bit. I see you on campus probably three or four times a week and you are always staring at me. My guess is that you are family, read my blogs, and recognize me from my picture in my profile and the pictures I have posted of myself on all of my blogs. I have never had the guts to go up to you and ask you if you read my blog because what if I am mistaken or what if I freak you out? I don't want to deal with that. I hate drama. On top of that, I'm not sure if you are out of the closet and what if I "out" you and push you further into the closet? I would hate to do that. This goes out to you, person that I see a lot on campus who I see staring at me, I would like you to at least say hi to me and tell me that you read my blogs (this goes out there to anyone who reads my blogs and sees me on campus or around the town). That way I know that you aren't some creepy guy staring at me.

Sincerely,
Sean

PS If I am with people, please don't come up to me. I'm not out to everyone so I don't want to be outed either (this goes for people that see me from around town too). This shouldn't happen very often because I am usually walking alone when I see you.

Celebration

2009-09-18T21:03:00.002-04:00

-"Celebration" by Madonna

I so wish I could have been part of this music video! Too bad I don't live in Milan... sigh... Love me some Madonna!

Random Quote

2009-09-07T12:34:00.002-04:00

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."
-Paulo Coelho

I came across this quote today and thought I'd share it with everyone because it is so true! When people tell me that there is no way that I can do something, I want to show them up and show them that it can be done. I know that I do this all the time in my life and will probably continue to do it. I wonder if it is because of my competitive spirit.... Does this happen to anyone else?

Everything Is Gonna Be Okay

2009-09-07T02:28:00.002-04:00

Amazingly pure and simple... Love it!

Which One?

2009-09-05T12:02:00.004-04:00

So here are some very rough drafts of what I would write about if I chose Crohn's or being gay/Mormon for my writing topic. I have been getting a mixed response so I thought that I would write what has been going through my mind and let you guys tell me what you think. Here they are...

"Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

I briefly mentioned that I have Crohn’s Disease in my personal statement. There have been many obstacles that I have had to face in learning how to deal with Crohn’s. When I was first diagnosed, I was completely debilitated. I could barely move because of how much pain I was in. Every morning was a struggle to get up, but I would somehow find the will to get up and go to school and work. I was not willing to give up on life because I was sick; I still wanted to live life to the fullest. The only way that I did not make it to school and work was when the doctor hospitalized me or ordered me to stay home. The semester when I was diagnosed was one of my hardest semesters in my college career because I had a hard time concentrating due to the pain that I was in. I also could have given up on my classes because I missed about a third of the lectures. Despite the challenges of not being able to concentrate and missing a lot of lectures, that semester was actually one of my best and I made the Dean’s List. After a year of my diagnosis, I started to become healthier and my Crohn’s was no longer active. This is because I learned how to deal with my disease. I had to learn to watch what I eat, be careful not to have high stress levels, not exercise with too high of an intensity, and pay more attention to my body. Even though my Crohn’s is currently in remission, I still have to watch what I eat and do. I have had to change my life according to my disease. It is a constant struggle, but I have dealt with it and will continue to deal with it. I will not give up on my life and goals because I have Crohn’s disease.

"Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

At a young age, I discovered that I was different from most boys. I did not fully understand why I was different, but I knew that I was different. At the age of twelve, I discovered why I was different; I discovered that I was attracted to men. This discovery was hard on me and I felt that I did not belong, especially because I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS). Growing up gay in the LDS Church was a difficult one. I never felt welcome and that God hated me. I could not tell anyone for fear of being ridiculed and kicked out of the Church. My high school years were full of pain and loneliness. I was not sure who I was and where I was going. I also had nobody to help me through this difficult time in my life. I did know that I wanted to be a doctor because the medical classes in my high school were one of my only sanctuaries. At this time, I could have easily given up on life and accepted a mediocre life. I, however, had other goals and dreams. I wanted to create the best life that I could have and help others have better lives. When I entered college, I learned to accept myself for who I am and my confidence grew when I made friends and succeeded in my classes. As my confidence grew, I learned that I had a power to help others in need, that I could excel in almost anything I tried, and that life was not meant to be full of pain. These lessons helped me become the person that I am today and has given me the desire to work to help others because I know what it feels like to be alone and like nobody cares about you.

Pressing Question

2009-09-04T11:08:00.004-04:00

I have a pressing question for you all and would love your feedback on it. In my secondary applications for medical school there has been a particular question that keeps coming up that I need to write about or just say that it doesn't apply to me. I think it would be best to write something, but what I want to write about isn't the most conventional topic.

Here is the question or something similar: "Do you have unique experiences or obstacles that you have overcome that were not covered in your application about which you would like to inform our Admissions Committee?"

I want to write about being gay and Mormon, but I don't know if this is going to be too much or if I should come up with another topic. This is the only topic that I can really think of though.

I ask all of you, should I write about it or no?

In other news, when I sat down at a table in the library, the guy on the other side looked me up and down and stared at me for a couple of minutes. It was really awkward, yet flattering at the same time. I'm pretty sure he's family.

Mr. T's Fashion Advice

2009-09-03T14:26:00.001-04:00

The title says it all! hahaha!

Take it away Xena and Zena!

Bus Ride Fail

2009-08-26T15:33:00.002-04:00

This is so funny! I just about died laughing!

Jordanelle Triathlon!

2009-08-23T17:40:00.005-04:00

Yesterday, I competed in the Jordanelle Olympic Triathlon and it was pretty much amazing! I absolutely LOVED it! It was definitely one of the hardest things that I have ever done in under three hours, but so worth it. For those of you who don't know, it is a 1K Swim, a 40K Bike, and a 10K Run. I did that just under 3 hours with a time of 2:58.15. I was hoping to be under 3 hours and I accomplished my goal. I placed 8th in the 20-24 age group, 93rd out of the men, and 135 overall. I'm pretty proud of my accomplishment. I was also one of the first people out of the water (only about a minute behind the leader). It is something that I definitely want to do again or possibly an Ironman. I've always wanted to do an Ironman, but I know that I won't have much time in medical school and after that so it will have to be in the next year. We'll see if that happens. Here are some pictures of me competing...

Confession...

2009-08-15T01:22:00.003-04:00

So I haven't posted anything real in awhile. It's probably because I've been terribly busy, sick, and kind of depressed... I get that way when I've got nothing to do (when I was sick and now since I finished school for the summer). When I am lonely and depressed, I am a shopper. I just bought a new pair of jeans, a leather coat, two pairs of underwear, and some stuff for my computer. For some reason, shopping is very therapeutic for me and it makes me feel better. So I am going to admit something right now... Hello, my name is Sean and I am an emotional shopper (it's like those people who eat when they are sad).

Anyways, I'll get to a real post in a little bit. I've got somethings that I need to get off my chest, but first I need to talk to my grandma about them.

Humanthesizer

2009-08-12T21:38:00.002-04:00

One word... AWESOME!

Alcoholic Vervet Monkeys!

2009-08-07T13:51:00.001-04:00

This is hilarious! DRUNKEN MONKEYS! I hope you enjoy it! :)

400 Free Relay

2009-08-06T03:15:00.003-04:00

This is the 400 Free Relay that I also competed in last week. This was an awesome race and close until the very end. I was the last swimmer to swim and as you can see, I was behind and caught up to out-touch the guy next to me! This was so much fun! :)

200 Free Relay

2009-08-06T02:58:00.002-04:00

This is the 200 Free Relay that I competed in last week, when I was semi-healthier than I am now. I'm the last one to go... Enjoy! :)

Spinal Headaches Suck!

2009-08-06T02:51:00.002-04:00

So I found out that I don't have the swine flu. I don't have any other kind of flu. I don't have bronchitis. I don't have strep. I don't have meningitis. I also don't have a whole other slew of diseases that the doctors in the ER tested me for. In fact, they have no idea what is causing me to be sick. The doctors did a culture sample of my of my body fluids to see if anything bacterial is growing or anything at all. This will then give them some idea of what is causing me to be sick. In the meantime, I'm on strong antibiotics and bedridden... yay! The worst part is that I get headaches that aren't headaches. Well, they are but they travel down my whole spine. They are called spinal headaches and they are so debilitating! ugh! They hurt really bad causing my whole body to hurt (there is no comfortable position when I have them). I've never had a migraine before, but I think that spinal headaches are ten times worse! ugh! double ugh! Oh well, I hope that the doctors can give me some good news tomorrow or else you might see me on an episode of House or Mystery Diagnosis!

Swine Flu

2009-08-02T12:17:00.002-04:00

I just might have the swine flu... ugh! I'm going to the doctor today to find out if I do or not, but whatever I've had sucks a lemon hard! Even better news, I've read that the nation/world is out of Tamiflu so the only treatment they have for me is staying at home away from everybody for two weeks... FML

Time To Compete!

2009-07-21T13:38:00.007-04:00

Well, I'm starting to compete in swimming again... My head coach of the swim team where I work decided to sign me up for state next weekend because they need more senior boys to compete. I have been working out for my triathlon training, but I definitely have not been working on sprinting. I have started working on my sprints and I'm feeling ok. I know that I will get better on my sprints in the next week and a half. I have to be ready by then!

I know that I said that I would never compete again after I was cut from the BYU swim team, but competitive swimming is like the call of the sirens to me. I can't resist it. My head coach told me that I didn't have to compete if I didn't want to (I should have said that I didn't want to according to my mom and dad), but I couldn't help it. I HAD to say yes! I love swimming and actually competing way too much! The thing that I am most excited for is the relays. Those were always my favorite. I loved knowing that your team depended on you and that it was up to you to win the race. Albeit, I will not be swimming the anchor leg of the relay (which made me sad), but I requested to be on the back half of the freestlye relays (I have to go first on the medley relay since I'm the backstroker). I can't wait to get in the water and compete!

Meet Andy...

2009-07-19T21:10:00.014-04:00

Meet Andy/Andrew McMahon...

He is the lead singer of Jack's Mannequin and Something Corporate...

This is him playing the piano...

He is an amazing singer, songwriter, and pianist...

He is my celebrity crush right now...

I met him last night...

I was able to chat with him for a while, get his autograph, and a hug from him!

It was a good night! :)

Did I mention that he also survived acute lymphoblastic leukemia?

Good News

2009-07-17T11:34:00.010-04:00

I know that some of you know this and some of you don't, but I thought I'd tell everybody about it.

I am head coach of Timpview Swim Team!

I am so EXCITED!!!!!! I've been looking forward to becoming head coach for a very long time and now that it's official, I almost can't believe it! It is going to be a good year and I hate some really good plans. I also have some great captains that are going to do an amazing job. It is going to be so much fun! I'm hoping that I can push the girls so that we can get another state championship! That would be truly amazing! This next year is going to be good!

PS I really want to go dancing but I don't have the time... Anyone want to go when I have time?

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head

2009-07-10T01:12:00.002-04:00

This is my new favorite band! Enjoy and check out their blog.

Personal Statement... Please Vote!

2009-07-03T15:22:00.001-04:00

Here are two drafts of my personal statement for my application. Please vote on which one you like better. They are very similar, but they are structured differently. Thanks everyone! :)

Choice #1

I almost died at the age of ten. The first night of spring break I became very sick. My parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. Later, I started throwing up and all my symptoms became worse so my parents took me to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and did not have enough time to perform mine. The on-call surgeon refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. The doctors could not find anyone to operate. The hospital called other hospitals to see if anyone would operate on me. In the meantime, my condition was worsening. Finally, a surgeon agreed to help, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. He was about to end his shift, but he agreed to wait for me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because he waited for me and saved my life. More importantly, he taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.

Recently, my old gastroenterologist did not treat me how I want to be treated and I suffered. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. My doctor performed test after test on me and thought my Crohn’s was in remission even though I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I was making everything up. After that accusation, we changed doctors. The new doctor performed the same tests and found similar results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. He promised me that he would continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much healthier and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because he treats me how I want to be treated.

When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, the best care, and therefore the best doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and concerned for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

All throughout my life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with people of all ages. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I work with them and I want them to succeed. This attitude is carried over when I am volunteering for Timpview High School swim team. I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. Also, I am able to help them in personal aspects of their lives. They know that I am there to help them. I give the same treatment when I am helping customers in Poco Loco Swim Shop. As manager and store clerk, my job is to try to make the customer satisfied so that they will return in the future, and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am there to assist them. Finally, volunteering at the retirement home, I spend hours listening to the elderly. I hear their life stories and see the happiness on their faces when I show interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing the joy on their faces in performing a simple activity with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice.

We need more doctors go the extra mile and treat others with the best care, which is why I want to become a doctor. I have personally felt the effect of two doctors who have gone the extra mile to help me and treat me. From their care and examples, I have been emulating them and treating others how I want to be treated. I have seen profound effects from doing this. I know that I can help many people by becoming the best doctor and treating people with the best care.

Choice #2

When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, the best care, and therefore the best doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and concerned for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

Treating others how I wanted to be treated has been a big part of my life since my first interaction with an ER surgeon. I almost died at the age of ten. The first night of spring break I became very sick. My parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. Later, I started throwing up and all my symptoms became worse so my parents took me to the hospital. After a series of tests, the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and did not have enough time to perform mine. The on-call surgeon refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. The doctors could not find anyone to operate. The hospital called other hospitals to see if anyone would operate on me. In the meantime, my condition was worsening. Finally, a surgeon agreed to help, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. He was about to end his shift, but he agreed to wait for me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because he waited for me and saved my life. More importantly, he taught me to treat others how I wanted to be treated.

Recently, my old gastroenterologist did not treat me how I want to be treated and I suffered. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. My doctor performed test after test on me and thought my Crohn’s was in remission even though I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I was making everything up. After that accusation, we changed doctors. The new doctor performed the same tests and found similar results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. He promised me that he would continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much healthier and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because he treats me how I want to be treated.

All throughout my life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with people of all ages. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I work with them and I want them to succeed. This attitude is carried over when I am volunteering for Timpview High School swim team. I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. I am also able to help them in personal aspects of their life. They know that I am there to aid them. I give the same treatment when I am helping customers in Poco Loco Swim Shop. As manager and store clerk, my job is to try to make the customer satisfied so that they will return in the future, and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am there to assist them. Finally, volunteering at the retirement home, I spend hours listening to the elderly. I hear their life stories and see the happiness on their faces when I show interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing the joy on their faces in performing a simple activity with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice.

We need more doctors go the extra mile and treat others with the best care, which is why I want to become a doctor. I have personally felt the effect of two doctors who have gone the extra mile to help me and treat me. From their care and examples, I have been emulating them and treating others how I want to be treated. I have seen profound effects from doing this. I know that I can help many people by becoming the best doctor and treating people with the best care.

Personal Statement

2009-06-29T23:09:00.003-04:00

This is my rough draft personal statement for my medical school application. Let me know what you think of it.

At the age of ten, I came close to dying. The first night of spring break I became very sick. Parents thought it was the flu because I had nausea and abdominal pain with a high fever. I later started throwing up and all of my symptoms became worse. After a day of being sick and the pain getting worse, my parents decided to take me into the hospital. I had a series of tests performed and the doctors determined that I had appendicitis. The attending surgeon was already performing several other surgeries and he did not have enough time to perform mine. The doctors called the on-call surgeon, but he refused to come in because he had to be to the airport early in the morning. There was not anybody who the doctors could find to perform the surgery. The hospital then started calling other hospitals to see if anyone would perform it on me. In the meantime, I was getting much worse. Finally, someone agreed to perform the surgery on me, but he was in another hospital thirty minutes away. This surgeon was about to end his shift and he agreed to wait and operate on me. By the time we made it to the hospital, my appendix was close to bursting and the surgery had to be performed immediately. This surgeon was the first one to inspire me to become a doctor because of how he treated me.

This surgeon is in contrast to my old gastroenterologist. A year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I was terribly sick for about a year and was not showing any signs of getting better. He performed test after test on me and he thought I was completely fine but I was still in pain. After one of the tests, he told my parents that I probably was making up all of my problems. At that moment, we decided to change doctors. When I went to the new doctor, he believed everything that I said. He performed the same tests on me and found the same results as the previous doctor, but he still believed me. This doctor was willing to continue working with me until I started feeling better. He eventually discovered that my current medications were not having their full effect. He then prescribed me new medications and I have progressively gotten better. Now, I am feeling much better and I am almost back to my normal self. As I have dealt with this new doctor, I have been further inspired to become a doctor because of how he treats me.

These two doctors taught me to treat others how I want to be treated. When I am sick, I want to be treated with the best treatments, care, and doctors. This means that I will try to become the best doctor that I can be and go the extra mile so that I can give my patients the best care. To me, the best doctor is one who is nice, willing to listen, and full of concern for his patients. He is willing to spend time with his patients and help them in any way possible. This type of doctor would also be willing to do research and work until the problems with the patient are solved. He also will not give up or claim that the patient is wrong if he cannot discover the answer. Most importantly, the best doctor has a love for others and wants them to live better, healthier lives. This is the type of doctor that I want to be treated by and this is the type of doctor that I will strive to become.

Treating others how I wanted to be treated has been a big part of my life since that first interaction with the surgeon. All throughout elementary school, high school, college, jobs, and everyday life, I have tried to treat others the best that I can. This is evident in my dealings with children, teenagers, adults, and the elderly. When I am working with my younger swimmers on the Utah Valley Aquatics team, I give those children the attention they need to become the best swimmers that they can possibly be. I am willing to work with them and I want them to succeed. In my time volunteering with Timpview High School, I want to help the students achieve their goals and dreams. There are times when I get up at 4:30 AM to meet with them and give them one-on-one instruction. I have also been more than willing to help them in many aspects of their life besides swimming. They know that I am there for them and that they only need to ask for my help. The same treatment is given when I am helping adults in Poco Loco Swim Shop. My job as manager and store clerk is to try to get the customer to return and this is done by helping them. Then when they return to the store, the customer knows that I am more than willing to help them. Finally, in volunteering at the retirement home, I have spent hours listening to the elderly. I have heard their life stories and have seen the happiness on their faces when I have shown interest in their lives. Besides talking with them, I also make crafts with them and I have the pleasure of seeing their joy in doing such a simple task with them. I go the extra mile to treat others in a good way because this is how I want to be treated. As a doctor, I will carry this exact same attitude in my practice as well. I believe that we need more doctors like this and this is why I want to become a doctor.

Man In The Mirror

2009-06-26T20:34:00.002-04:00

-"Man In The Mirror" by Michael Jackson

I have been listening to all of MJ's CD since yesterday and I have forgotten how much I love this song! It is always over shadowed by "Bad," "Beat It," "Thriller," and the likes.

RIP King of Pop! I love and will miss you!

Lesbians Think I'm Cute

2009-06-12T16:06:00.002-04:00

Here is an adventure that I had recently. I went out dancing to have a good time with some friends and there was a lesbian couple who came up to me. They told me that I was cute and a cute dancer. They then smacked my butt which then caused them to comment on how small and cute it was. They then asked me to join them in their dancing. I did and it was fun! Lesbians are fun and enjoyable! :)

The Score Is In...

2009-06-04T13:47:00.004-04:00

The score is in... I actually got it on the 2nd... I haven't had time to post my score because I have been CELEBRATING! :) I met my goal of a 35 and got a 36! I'm so stoked! I can't really even describe all of the feelings I'm feeling right now. It is just amazing! I DID IT!

For those of you who don't know, the MCAT is graded out of 45 and on a curve. The average of the test is 24 and the average of getting into medical school is about a 30. Getting a 33 on the test puts you in the 90th percentile of those who took the test and get a 36 puts me in about the 95th-96th percentile! I'm way excited with my score! All of my hard work paid off and I can go to a lot of good schools and hopefully receive some scholarship money! All that I have to do is finish all of my applications and get them in. I'm hoping to get all of them in by the end of July. Then it's waiting for interviews and then acceptance letters. It's an exciting time in my life right now and a great adventure! I'm on the road to fulfilling what I believe my purpose here in life is.

Thanks everyone for you support! :)

Tomorrow...

2009-06-01T23:08:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow might be the big day that I get my MCAT scores back! The projected release date is tomorrow so we'll see if they actually send it out tomorrow or not. I'm excited and will let you all know how it goes.

Camille = Amazing! :)

2009-05-30T16:28:00.001-04:00

Here is Camille's report for the BYU news for the marriage equality rally the other day for the BYU News. I'm surprised that they aired it! Way to go Camille! :)

"I Need The Missionaries"

2009-05-30T12:33:00.001-04:00

I was just in a study group in the MARB working on a project when all of the sudden a man came in yelling, "I need the missionaries RIGHT NOW!" I was really surprised and thought he was kind of crazy, but I started talking to him to find out why he needed the missionaries. He told me that he was hard of hearing and came all the way from Omaha, Nebraska to see the missionaries. I was surprised that he came out here. I told him that there were probably missionaries out there that he could have met with. He believed them to be "stupid" because they were not at a college and he wanted the "smartest" ones. I showed him where their office was and we knocked. Nobody was there. He started freaking out and I found a note on the door that had their numbers.

I called the Elders, but a Sister answered the phone... maybe they got their numbers mixed up when they wrote it down the paper (I don't know). I talked with the nice Sister and told her the man's story. He wanted to meet with them as soon as possible because he needed them. She told me that she and her companion could meet with him at 11 today. He was really excited. I have never seen someone so excited in my whole life. He looked like he won a million dollars. The Sisters asked for my name and number which I gave them and they politely thanked me for doing what I did. We then got off the phone. He then asked what time it was. I told him it was about 9:30 and that he had a couple of hours to kill. He seemed kind of defeated. I told him that it will be here a lot sooner than he thinks and that he could walk around campus while he was waiting. He decided to do this. I went back to my study group and I haven't been able to stop thinking about him.

It amazes me that he had the drive and courage to come out here from Nebraska because he wanted to meet with the "smartest" missionaries. He has to have a lot of faith to come out here on a whim to probably join the LDS Church. It makes me wonder where mine has gone. I used to fully believe in the LDS Church, but as of late, I have been losing parts of my beliefs. I believe in God and in Jesus. I believe in many of their teachings and morals. There are things, however, that I am having trouble reconciling.

Life is interesting and I love the random people I meet because they teach me new concepts everyday. This man who is hard of hearing and who traveled across the nation taught me today that you can never have too much faith in God. In fact, he taught me that you can never have enough.

PS I ran into two of my readers that I know from my younger years/junior high/high school last night. It was great! This is a shout out to Camille and Drew!

Quote of the Day

2009-05-22T10:18:00.003-04:00

"We think that when we are driven out of the usual path, everything is over for us; but it is just here that the new and the good begins. As long as there is life there is happiness. There is much, much before us!"
-Tolstoy

This was the quote of the day in my gmail account that sometimes pops up in the little "sponsored link" box. I thought it was good and would share it with everyone.

Now I'd like to know your thoughts on it and then I'll share mine... :)

The Lost Little Duckling

2009-05-20T09:32:00.004-04:00

As I was walking up to school today. I saw a little duckling that seemed to be lost from the rest of its family. My heart yearned to help it, but I knew that me helping it would do more harm than good. I didn't want to "taint" the duck with my touch (I've heard if you touch baby ducks or birds their parents no longer accept them). I took a picture and left it there. I hope it finds its mommy really soon.

Seeing this little duckling reminded me of my best friend Aaron. Recently, he found out that I was gay. Well, it was more that I've been hinting it to him for a very long time hoping that he would be ok with it once I told him. My other best friend Natalie (formerly known as Galadriel) decided to talk to him about Proposition 8 because she heard that we were in disagreement with it. She wanted to help him see my point of view and help him understand it a little bit better. Aaron then turned on her and asked he flat out if I was gay or not. She told him that he'd have to talk to me about it, but he was very persistent and she cracked. I was completely fine with her telling him. I've been meaning to tell him for some time, but the timing has never been right. I guess that I found out why. She told him on Thursday. He kind of freaked out, but he seemed ok about it. He talked to his parents about it and they told him their thoughts about the subject. They also told him that whatever he did that he should not stop being my friend (I was very grateful for their advice to him). We then subsequently talked on Saturday.

As we were talking, Aaron didn't seem like the same person around me. He seemed very tense and very uncomfortable. He asked me a few questions about if I have acted on it and was hinting at if I thought he was attractive so I told him that he was. He was freaked out by that comment, but I told him that he was my little brother/best friend and that I didn't have feeling for him and that I wasn't checking him out. Aaron then seemed to be ok about. He still seemed like a deer in the headlights, but I thought things were going to get better. Aaron told me not to talk to him about it for awhile so that he could process some things.

On Sunday, we went to see Natalie speak. I picked him up and I could feel the tension in the air. I gave him a note that I wrote him expressing some thoughts that I will talk about in a minute and we left for her church. As we were waiting, there was a significant lack of comradeship that we once had. There was no joking, laughing, and talking. It was all serious. I could feel that he was still uncomfortable with me but I didn't want to say anything that might freak him out. I sat there and pretended as if nothing was going on. On the way home, I tried to spark some general conversation the talks we heard, but it was still very limited and tense. I dropped him off and told him goodbye.

Next came Monday morning. We went swimming together like we do on every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It seemed really tense again. I could feel his uncomfortableness seeping through his smile and see it in his eyes. It could have been the fact that he was nearly naked around me and thought I was checking him, but I'm not sure. I felt really bad for Aaron. Despite feeling bad for him, I always was really frustrated with him and Natalie for telling him at the wrong moment. After we swam together and showered, we parted and went our separate ways. I broke down in the car and was on the verge of tears the whole way to school and for the next hour. I wrote Natalie a nasty email, which I really regret and apologized profusely over. Then I started to calm down and feel a little bit better.

As I have done a lot of thinking and writing, I have to realize that Aaron is brand new to his whole subject. He has never dealt with it before and it makes it even harder when it is with his one of his best friends, someone he looks up to for guidance in life, and some he considers a spiritual giant and leader. I know that in some way he feels like I have let him down. I also feel like I let him down. I feel really bad and wish I could change it, but I can't. I am no longer the perfect Sean that he thought he knew. He sees me in a completely new light. Some of that Sean was a lie, but most parts of that Sean were the real me. I think that he needs to understand this, which will then help our friendship come back together. As of right now, however, it's very easy to get frustrated with him, especially since every friend that acts like this after I have told them have stopped being my friends after a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that Aaron will be different from these other friends and eventually see me as the same old Sean. He's a great guy and I love him a lot. He just seems lost and confused like the little duckling that I saw this morning. I'll just have to see how this all pans out and hopefully he'll make it back to me as a friend.

To end with some good news, this morning was so much better! It made me really happy. I could still feel like he was a little bit uncomfortable around me but it was as overt as it has been or his has gotten a lot better at hiding his uncomfortableness. We were talking and joking. It started to feel like things were back to normal. I think this was a big improvement for him, but he probably still has a lot to think about and come to terms with. I'll keep waiting for him to come to me or Natalie with questions. I don't want to push him.

Driven

2009-05-15T09:59:00.003-04:00

This week has been a very interesting week for me. It has been filled with a lot of ups and downs that I haven't experienced in a very long time. The good news, however, is that things are definitely looking up again and life is pretty much amazing! :)

I guess it started on Monday. I got up early and went swimming with my best bud Aaron. Then my day was full of studying for my Immunology test on Tuesday. It was an ok day until later in the evening. I get a response from an email that I sent to a guy I was crushing on and who was in turn crushing back on me. It basically said what a lot of people tell me. It is something that I don't completely understand. He told me that he liked a lot about me, but his heart was telling him to go somewhere else. This was due to the fact that I was too driven and that it just wouldn't work out with us because of that. I then sent him an email telling him that I started to get that impression and that it would probably just be better to be friends anyways. He agreed and now we are just good friends. I'm not sure if this relationship would have gone anywhere in the first place, but it kind of made my night a little worse.

I then took my test on Tuesday and totally rocked it (I only missed one so close yet so far from perfection)! Then I started thinking about what the guy said to me about how driven I was. I realized that I am completely driven. I know what I want in life and I know what I have to do to get it. This then put a damper on a good day. I went about my normal business on Tuesday with me being so driven in the back of my head. Thoughts were flying everywhere about what people have said to me in the past about my drive. People have told me that I don't make time for them. People tell me that they are afraid of my goals and dreams. People have said that they are jealous of my drive and passions, but could never do or want it themselves. People have also told me that I need to back off and be more relaxed about life. I've also had one person tell me that I could never be in a long lasting relationship because of my drive since my love and life is my drive. There are a lot of other things that have also been said but they are generally all of the same context. All of this brought me down to a low that I haven't been in a very long time.

Wednesday came and I went swimming again with my two best friends. That made me feel better but they could tell something was wrong with me. I just pushed it off telling them that I was tired and didn't get enough sleep last night. They left it at that and we went out to breakfast before I had to head to class. I went to class and learned that I set the curve on the test and that made me feel a little better, but I was still down. I had a lunch date with a girl that I've been going out with for awhile that kind of brought up my mood. We were chatting over lunch and having a good time when she brought up the topic of the relationship's progression. She basically told me the same thing as the guy said. I was too driven and that we should probably just be friends! UGH! This made my week even worse. Everything has been toppling down. Wednesday night I decided to not to do anything except stay at home. I watched LOST and loved it and then read a lot from Great Expectations by Charles Dickens (I love Dickens and that book). That made my night a little bit better. I then had a friend give me call and we chatted for awhile. She was wonderful and so helpful.

Then Thursday came around and it was a really good day. Everything in lab went perfectly. I went out to lunch with some good friends. I got everything done that I needed to at work. My old crush visited me at work and we had a great chat over chips and guacamole salsa. My mom made my favorite meal for dinner. I also read some more from Great Expectations. Everything was looking and getting better. I started feeling good about everything again. Then I get a text to go out and play glow in the dark ultimate frisbee. That was exactly what I needed to get my spirits back up and fully recharged. I saw a lot of people that I hadn't seen a very long time there and had a blast with them. I also met a lot of new people. We played for two hours and our team won by a point! It was a blast and a half and I totally enjoyed it. I then went to bed and woke up this morning to go swimming with my best buds.

Tonight I have either dancing or hanging out with a good friend tonight--I'm not sure which one yet. Then I'm hanging out with a lot of my close friends over the weekend. I'm pretty much stoked. I'm feeling myself once again and I'm feeling "21 and Invincible" again. I still have the question in the back of my mind if I am too driven. That's the person who I've always been and I really don't want to change that aspect about myself because I love that aspect about myself.

Anyways, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I'm still curious about it. What do you all think? Am I too driven?

21 and Invincible

2009-05-11T19:02:00.001-04:00

"21 and Invincible" by Something Corporate

I love this song and sometimes I feel like I am 21 and invincible.

Revolver

2009-05-11T18:55:00.001-04:00

"Revolver" by Madonna

This song sounds amazing! I'm freaking excited for her new Greatest Hits album to come out and some of the new songs that she is putting on it! It is going to be fabulous!

The Gayface

2009-05-07T16:38:00.003-04:00

This is an interesting article I read today and thought I would share it with you all. Enjoy! :)

If William Shakespeare were alive today, a couple of things would be certain. Gawker commenters would be linking his name with gossip-column blind items ("What married wordsmith was seen canoodling with another man at The Box?"). And Perez Hilton would be scrawling pearl necklaces onto his paparazzi shots. Not just because of his famously homoerotic sonnets but because Shakespeare seems to have had—let's be blunt here—a serious case of gayface.

We have this from no less an authority than the Shakespeare Birthplace Trust, in Stratford-Upon-Avon, England, which in March unveiled a newly discovered portrait some historians think might be of the Bard. "This Shakespeare is handsome and glamorous, so how does this change the way we think about him . . . and his sexuality?" wondered a statement from the trust to the press. In other words: "Gayface!" (the new way of saying "Dude looks totally gay!"). Which suggests that the contemporary compulsion to pin down sexual identity has no limits, not even the grave. Because somehow it's important to us to think we "can just tell" that even guys who have been dead for 400 years were gay.

Outing historical creative figures might be the only reliably entertaining social sport we've got left. A gay rumor about the deceased is a gossip gift that keeps on giving, especially now that living celebrities have pretty much sucked all the fun out of our collective speculation, since they tend to semi-casually wander out of the closet when the sexual-orientation rumor mill heats up (see: Neil Patrick Harris, T.R. Knight, Lance Bass).

The Bard is a rather obvious magnet for gay rumors—and not just because he wore tights and was in the theater. There is the matter of his queer circle, says London gay-culture historian Rictor Norton: "If Shakespeare was as good-looking as this portrait demonstrates, then it is easy to see why he attracted the attention of his first patron, Henry Wriothesley, third Earl of Southampton"—a reputed dabbler in manly hookups. But, Norton adds, "we should not read the subject of the portrait as gay because of a certain softness about the eyes or whatever."

Or wait—maybe we should. "It appears that Shakespeare's eyebrows are higher here than in others of his portraits," says Nicholas Rule, a researcher at Tufts University's Interpersonal Perception & Communication Lab. "Women have a greater distance between their eyes and brows than men do"—and on a guy, those lofty brows might be subconsciously perceived as "gay." (Quick, somebody measure Ryan Seacrest's brow rise!) Rule adds that "the corners of his mouth are not turned down, as in some other portraits of him, which gives the hint of a smile." And subtly smiley portraits—think the Mona Lisa—suggest femininity. (Attention Zac Efron: Wipe that sly grin off your face!) Factor in Shakespeare's lace collar, and Jack Bauer he's not.

Rule confesses that his own gaydar is jammed when it comes to what might be Shakespeare's "new" portrait but notes, "Our research suggests that sexual orientation is processed automatically." In fact, last year Rule and Tufts psychology professor Nalini Ambady were surprised to discover that gayface may be a reliable indicator. They recorded the reactions of Tufts students to a sample of 90 male faces culled from online personals—half gay, half straight—and found that 70 percent of the time, people guessed right. Even when shown the images for as little as 33 milliseconds.

"In our studies we have not yet found full agreement for the sexual orientation of any one person," Rule cautions. In other words, someone always gets it wrong. Of course, we can hold out hope that Hollywood will get it right when casting a gayfaced actor to play Queer Shakespeare in the biopic. Hey, Chace Crawford? Gus Van Sant is on the line.

So what do you all think? Is this a myth or do you think it is a possibility?

It's Over!

2009-05-05T21:50:00.002-04:00

My test is over! I am so happy and so excited at the same time. A lot has happened since I took my test on Saturday. I have so many good stories! I love being free for the moment.

Let's talk about my test. It was very difficult. It was harder than the practice tests that I took, but I still felt like I did really well. On the physical science section, I finished the last section with only a minute left when I usually finished with ten or more minutes left on the practice tests. I felt like this section was a lot harder than the practice test and I was sad that I couldn't go back and check my answers like I normally have time to do. I hope that I did well on it compared to the rest of the nation. Then came the verbal reasoning section. This section is definitely my crux. I usually feel like I always do well on it. The scores, however, sometimes say the opposite. I felt really good about it so I'm hoping that it transfers over into a good score too. Next came the writing section. I felt pretty good about both of my essays, but I really didn't have time to proofread them since I finished them with only one or two minutes left. Last came the biological science section. This section felt amazing! I felt really good about. It was definitely more difficult than the practice tests that I took, but I finished early and was able to go back to check answers. I think that this section went well. Overall, I feel great about my test. It was hard and I know that I put forth the time and the effort to get a good score on it. I feel confident that I did well. Now, it's just a matter of waiting a month until I receive my scores.

After my test on Saturday, I talked with a lot of friends and family for a couple hours and then hit a place for dinner. I was sitting alone, but I really didn't care because I felt like I was on top of the world. I then went back to my hotel to get ready for the evening. I was supposed to go out with a friend, but she ended up being sick and couldn't go out. I sat in my apartment debating whether or not to go clubbing. I eventually decided to go clubbing. It was pretty much amazing! I met some really cool and good looking guys and girls at the club. We stayed there until it closed at 3 and then went to Denny's for some dinner/breakfast. We were there until about 5 and then we all headed to my hotel and crashed. It was fun. We fit five people into a king size bed--some of them drunk, others sober. It was hilarious. We then got up at 7 because my flight left at 9. We said our goodbyes to each other and they told me that I need to come up and visit again, which I plan on doing! :)

I came home and had a pretty relaxing Sabbath--I was running on two hours of sleep... awesome! My whole extended family came over for a break the fast dinner. It was a lot of fun and it was amazing to feel their love and support for me. We talked about a lot of things and played some card games. I just love my family, their support, and their company. It was great! Then yesterday I went out with some of my besties! I haven't seen them in about two months and I missed them terribly. We went out to dinner and then I went laser tagging with their family. I was catwoman and totally wasted their whole family! It was a blast and then we all went to see the new X-Men movie. Life has been so good lately and I absolutely love it! I can't wait to continue with this new found freedom and enjoy life to the fullest for awhile! I'm excited because I've got 80's dancing planned for this Thursday and then I'm going clubbing on Saturday! Life is good!

I just want to say thanks to everyone out there who prayed for me, fasted for me, sent good luck wishes, and any support! You are all amazing and I love you to death! Thanks for being my friends! :)

The Final Countdown

2009-04-27T13:31:00.004-04:00

It's the final countdown...

The MCAT is this Saturday! I only have 5 days left! I can't even explain how I am feeling right now, but I guess I'll try. It's a mixture of excitement, anxiety, confidence, fear, happiness, stress, and basically every emotion that I have ever felt in my life. This test is going to determine where I end up living for the next couple years of my life, what kind of school I'm going to be going to, and what kind of career I'm going to have. It's going to be sweet! I've dedicated the past 5 months to hardcore studying. There have been many long days and nights in the library where I have studies pretty much all day and there are only a few more long days of studying left! I feel ready and I hope all of my preparation will all pay off (my goal score is a 35). Anyways, I'd appreciate it if you all kept me in your thoughts and prayers this week and especially on Saturday between the hours of 12-5 pm MST.

Time

2009-04-23T12:44:00.005-04:00

As Madonna says, "Time goes by so slowly" and at the same time, "I've only got four minutes to save the world..."

This, however, doesn't seen to be happening to me right now. It's going way too fast and those four minutes are coming to an end faster than I want! There's so little time, yet so much to do! Holy crapola! Where has all the time gone? I finished the semester yesterday and I'm officially a senior, even though I have technically been a senior since my sophomore year. I only have one year of college left! I'm kind of freaking out about that. I'm going to be applying to medical schools this up and coming month. I'm going to be working very hard on publishing a paper this summer. There is so much to do! I also have my MCAT in about a week and half (wish me luck)! It's crazy, psycho, and really exciting all at once. All that I can think is WOW! My life has come and gone and continues to come and go.

I look back to my freshman year here at BYU and in three short, yet long years, I have become a man. I feel like I am no longer the little boy who started college. The one who was nervous, scared, yet confident at the same time. That confidence has grown more and more as I have come out and become comfortable with who I am. No longer am I scared to be proud of who I am. No longer am I scared to show everybody my smarts, my skills, my passions, and basically everything about me. (On a side note, I ran into a bunch of old friends from high school and they didn't recognize me. They told me that I have changed so much and I'm very happy about that.) I am who I am and if people don't like me, that's their own fault. For instance, I wore my Madonna shirt to a final the other day and everybody just looked at me like I was insane and some started laughing. I told them not to judge and that Madonna is amazing. They all got serious and quiet. It was amazing! I also wore my "I heart, heart, heart, polygamy" shirt yesterday. I had some people give me crazy looks, but others thought it was amazing! I even had one of my favorite professors tell me that she wished she had the confidence to wear that shirt on campus. It was pretty much amazing! I have finally found who I am and I am extremely happy!

I love being me! I love my life! I love who I am! I can't wait to get into the real world and show the world who I am and what I can do! I can't wait to accomplish my goals and purpose in life! There is so much good I can do in my life and it's about that time to start happening! I can't wait to save lives! I can't wait to change the world! It's my time and I'm ready for the challenge!

As I look at my time here at BYU, I know I wouldn't have become the person that I am today without actually being here at BYU. I'm pretty sure that my life would be completely different. I know a lot of people regret coming to BYU because they came out to themselves here and couldn't be their true selves, but I feel the opposite. I feel like my experience here has let me become my true self. It has helped me gain a sense of who I am and what I want to do with my life. Also, thanks to Michael, I was able to stand up for something that I truly believed in. BYU has been great for me, even though I have hated it at times. It has also reinforced some of the goals that I set for myself at the beginning of college.

My path is still opened to me and I am taking it with confidence and one step at a time.

PS I love this website! It makes my life a little bit better everyday. (Thanks Camille for introducing me to it!)

Sad Story

2009-04-17T19:55:00.003-04:00

Today has been a day of highs and lows. I first felt amazing with my grade on my physiology final and then when I was studying, I felt perfectly fine. I felt like I really needed to go the retirement center, where I volunteer at least one a week, today. I wasn't planning on going, but I know that it was worth it--even though I feel like crap after going.

Today, I met a brand new lady who just moved into the center. I'll call her Lucille. As, I was waiting to help out with the activity. She walked past the room I'm sitting in three times bawling her eyes out. After the third pass, I walked up to her and started talking to her. At first, she was very standoffish because she thought I was a worker there. Then when she found out that I was just a visitor, she warmed up to me. I asked why she was crying and what I could do to help. She then went into a rant and a rave about how she hated living in the center and how lonely she was. She had only been there for a week and she said that nobody liked her and nobody would visit her. Instead of helping with the activity, I took her for a walk. She ranted and raved the whole time and kept telling me the same things over and over again (I'm pretty sure that she has Alzheimer's) . I sat and listened to her quietly. I felt so bad for her. I wanted to cry with her, but I held back my tears to show her that everything will be okay or at least I hoped so.

I'm not sure if this is true or not, but she told me that her family tricked her into coming to Utah--she was supposed to live with her daughter here. She lived there for a week before they took her to the center. This story wanted to make me cry even more--she felt like a prisoner. After our walk, we went up to her room. I have been in other rooms and they are usually decorated and nice. Her room had a bed and a TV. That was it. Her family really didn't provide her with anything to make her room look nicer. We sat and watched an episode of "I Love Lucy" and then it was time for dinner. I usually go when it's dinner time because I'm not allowed to eat with them, unless I want to pay. I walked her down to the dining room and was telling her goodbye. She then burst into tears again because she said that she didn't want me to leave. I told her that I would stay and I paid for my dinner. It was really good to be there for her. Then when I really had to leave after dinner, I hated telling her that I had to go. I told her about my finals and the test I have to take tomorrow and she grudgingly said goodbye to me. I gave her a big hug and told her that I'd be back to visit her.

I think one good thing came out of me leaving when I did. There was another lady who I'll call Myrna who came up to ask me about this new lady. I introduced them and I think that they went for a walk together--I'm not sure because I left after I introduced them. I hope that they did because Myrna will be a good friend to her and hopefully help her make some friends. I'm glad that I decided to go instead of staying at school and studying because I know that I might have made her life/day/week a little bit better by being there for her today.

I still feel like crap though. I know that I should feel better about doing what I did--I was there for someone who needed me. I have always made that one of my life goals to be accomplished whenever I can because nobody was there for me when I needed them most. I, however, still don't feel good about it. It might be because I'm a lot like her. I sometimes feel like I am a prisoner. I sometimes feel like nobody loves me. I sometimes wish for a better life. I know that I can't change my life and that I have to make the best of it, which I am. I'm preparing for medical school, I'm helping discover new things about HIV, I'm serving others, and I'm living life to the fullest, yet something still feels like it's missing. An integral part of me is missing and I'm not sure what it is.

Anyways, that's my sad story. Back to the books...

Finals = Annoying People

2009-04-17T14:55:00.000-04:00

So it is finals week and everybody has decided to take over my beloved study grounds. UGH! I hate them. They drive me insane and are absolutely annoying. They take my favorite spots to study. They bring big groups of people who talk really loud in no talking zones--I don't mind them being there, but it's when they talk that puts me over the top. They take all of the computers. They bother you when you are trying to concentrate. UGH! Just shut up and leave me and my study areas alone! Please! I'm just trying to do well on my finals and study for the MCAT.

PS I totally rocked my Physiology final today--a 97%! Finals started off on a good foot! :)

Missing Out

2009-04-08T23:16:00.004-04:00

Don't you ever feel like you are missing out on things so you can achieve your life goals?

Well, I certainly feel that way right now. I hear of friends going out and having a good time--sometimes they invite me to come along, but I don't go. This is due to the fact that I'm taking the MCAT really soon! I wish I could have the best of both worlds, but I know myself too well. I know that if I go out and play/party, I will feel guilty later about not studying, especially when I don't do as well as I hoped to do on the MCAT. I keep telling myself it is only a couple weeks away and that everything will get back to normal--where I can have fun and see friends again. It doesn't help out too much right now though. I

also keep telling my that all of my studying is paying off and it is. I took a practice test yesterday and got a 36! I was totally pumped! My goal score is a 35 and I'm thinking about increasing it to a 40. I've been consistently getting better and I really hope that when test day comes, I'll get the at least a 35. I would be completely stoked if I got a 40 because that means that I could go anywhere I wanted to, I achieved my goal, I have bragging rights with some of my friends, I can possibly get a couple of scholarships, I am one step closer in achieve my believed purpose in life, and I can celebrate hardcore.

Despite the things that I am missing, I know that things will be better off for all of my hard work. Then life can get back to normal. Sigh... back to studying... :)

MCAT

2009-03-25T18:24:00.004-04:00

With the MCAT almost a month away, I feel relatively calm. This calm, however, is instilled with the knowledge of how much I still need to study and work to get my goal score of a 35. I have taken a couple of practice tests and my highest grade has been a 29. I am happy with my results because my science sections are amazing! I'm scoring in some very high percentiles. My verbal reasoning, however, hasn't been doing too well. I have been struggling because my mind is so detail oriented that I have a hard time picking out inferences and intentions of the author. I guess it is one of the curses of having a semi-photographic memory. I'm working on it though and my scores have been improving. If I can get a 10 on it, I'd be ecstatic because that means I would most likely surpass my goal of 35. There is also an essay portion, but I'm not too worried about that because my MCAT teacher has told me that I can write some good essays in a half an hour's time. It's so close... I can feel my dreams/goals/purpose in life coming true!

PS Due to the nature that the MCAT is going to be in about a month, I'm probably going to be hermit for the next month! Hooray for hermitism! ;-)

Telling The Truth

2009-03-21T19:26:00.003-04:00

I have had an amazing friend for a number of years who has never known about my deep dark secret, that doesn't seem to be much of a secret anymore. I have been slowly, but surely coming out to more and more people--it's very refreshing.

Last night she, let's call her Galadriel (yes, I am a nerd), called me and was distraught and in tears. I was studying in the library and I told her that I would come to her wherever she needed me. Well, she so happened to be at the temple. I made my way out of the library and found her in her car. We walked on the grounds talking about many subjects and thoughts that were on her mind. Eventually, we made our way to the back of the Provo temple and sat down on one of the benches there. As I was holding her in my arms and listening to her story, I kept saying things that didn't make much sense to her such as "one night can change your life forever." She wasn't getting the intent of what I was saying so I changed what I said around and moved off that topic. Then another topic came up and I started to say other things like "my life has always been different than normal Mormons and it will always be different," "high school was hell for me," "have you ever hated yourself for something that was a natural part of you?" and things like that. I didn't mean to say a lot of these things, but her emotions were mixing with mine because I really knew how she felt.

I then asked her, "do you want to know the truth about me?" This confused her at first because she wasn't really sure what I was referring to. She said that she wanted to know what I was talking about and that I could share anything with her. Then it kind of just came out. I told her that I was gay. I told her that I had been lying to her for many years when I told her that I had girlfriends when in reality they were boyfriends. I told her about how I've almost been kicked out of BYU and about how I'm not as strong in the Church as she thinks I am. I told her how she and my new best guy friend, I'll call him Aaron, have helped me be the happiest I have ever been this past year. Galadriel and Aaron basically helped me through so much without ever realizing it. They gave me purpose to life and they became my best friends. She told me that she loves me so much and that she was so glad that I shared everything with her. Galadriel told me before I told her everything that her new life motto is that all that matters in life is how we treat others. She is so much wiser than beyond her years and I am so glad that I was able to talk to her about everything. It felt so good to tell her the truth and know that I can always be myself around her now.

We also discussed coming out to Aaron and she told me that it would probably be a good idea. I've been toying with the idea for a couple of months now and it seems like now is an opportune moment. I also know that when I tell him that he will go directly to Galadriel and it makes me happy to know that she is on my side, no matter what.

Crushing

2009-03-09T15:19:00.003-04:00

I recently told a friend last week that I didn't have any crushes at the moment. Boy o' boy has this changed. I have developed two crushes over the past week and it feels good to have these feelings again, even though they aren't going to go anywhere.

A friend of mine recently challenged me to talk to this guy I thought was very attractive in one of my classes to see if he wanted to form a study group. I have talked to this guy a little here and there so I didn't think it would be too awkward asking him to form a study group. Well, I did it and we have a study group going. As I have gotten to know him, the more I have started to crush on him. He plays for the lacrosse team here at BYU and he isn't Mormon--I thought it was weird of him to come here, but apparently we have a good lacrosse team and some of his friends were coming here to play so he tagged along. He is my age and from back east. He is hilarious, smart, driven, good-looking, and did I mention that he is totally straight... Sad story... he is definitely my type and I'm kind of sad. Oh well, such is life when you crush on a straight boy.

My other crush happens to be my MCAT teacher. I stayed after class on Saturday during his office hours to get help on something that I was struggling with. We then got talking and it ended up with me coming out to him. He totally thought I was in denial and was afraid to admit it to myself and he was surprised I had been out since I was 18. We spent the next 3 hours talking while he was helping me with my struggles on the MCAT. It was a lot of fun. We talked about this other guy in our class who is definitely gay and laughed about making him come out to the both of us. We also talked about me going to BYU, him serving a mission, and tons of other random topics. It was so much fun talking to him. During those hours, I really started to like him. He is such a great guy too. He went to Stanford, was on the track team, is finishing his masters degree, is applying to medical school, and tons of other things that really attract me to him.

There you have it. I'm totally crushing on these two guys and it feels good.

Random Thoughts

2009-03-02T15:27:00.004-05:00

I haven't posted in a very long time because I have been super busy with the craziness that is my life. These are some of my thoughts over the past couple of weeks and I might expound on them in later blogs.

I love swimming! I have started swimming again because the season is over. Try to go as much as I can and I love it! :)
Dating is really fun, even if it is with a woman.
I love playing Where's Waldo and Waldina in the mall.
Going clubbing is always an adventure and there are always amazing stories to tell afterwards.
I enjoying playing Hand and Foot and can play it for many hours (almost half of the day).
There are usually a few really good looking guys at clubs and I sometimes want to dance up on them even though they are straight just to see their response.
I love my MCAT class and preparing for the MCAT. It brings me a sense of purpose and duty in life.
I want to help people change their lives whether it be through healing them or some other means.
My teacher of said MCAT class is gay. He is very attractive and he always wears amazing clothes.
I wonder if said teacher knows that I'm gay.
I felt like I failed two of my midterms because I was average on them.
I have a male best friend.
Said best also loves to swim! :)
Said best friend is also straight! :)
I hate it when people cancel or change their plans and ruin your evening because of it.
I love to buy really expensive clothing.
I have to buy something whenever I walk into the mall. Because of this, I try to stay away from it.
Sometimes people are so funny at BYU because of their awkwardness.
Most Mormons can't dance.
Most Mormons when throwing a dance party bring out their "Bad"/party mix that has tons of rap and actually no really good dancing songs.
Stupid girls in red at Mormon dance parties change your iPOD out of the speaker system and put their crappy "bad" mix on that was made "especially" for the party.
After the crappy "bad" mix came on, most Mormons left the dance party because they music sucked and like the music that was on before much much better.
Eyeliner on guys is sometimes very attractive.
I love DI and want to go play there. Does anyone want to go with me?
I love baking and making dinner, especially for others.
I miss my swimmers and coaching.
I'm getting a free championship ring since my swimmers won state! Way to go girls!
I think IBS is a cop out for other bigger problems.
I hate elder's quorum now that my only two friends got other callings in the ward.
I got a couple of Madonna posters from a good friend and they totally made my day my life, and my room so much better.

That's about all that has been happening in my life lately. Feel free to respond to any of these and if you would like me to expound on the randomness leave me a comment so I can write future blogs on them.

That is all.

Peace, love, and happiness! :)

Broken Hearts

2009-02-18T13:25:00.002-05:00

Albert Camus once wrote, "'Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.' But I wonder if there's no breaking then there's no healing, and if there's no healing then there's no learning. And if there's no learning then there's no struggle. But the struggle is a part of life. So must all hearts be broken?"

I read this and thought of many different things in my life and my friends' lives. I think it gives an accurate description of life, pain, and growth.

God Is Here

2009-02-12T13:28:00.000-05:00

Paulo Coelho

“A person who goes in search of God is wasting his time. he can walk a thousand roads and join many religions and sects- but he’ll never find God that way. God is here, right now, at our side. In order to find God, you have to only to look around.”
(By the River Piedra I sat down and wept)

I thought this was a good and interesting quote. Think about it.

Prayers

2009-02-01T11:57:00.003-05:00

A dear MoHo friend of mine is in the hospital. His name is Hidden for those of you who know him. Please keep him in your prayers.

Madonna Is Back!

2009-01-30T13:25:00.002-05:00

I was recently thinking last night that I haven't professed my love of Madonna on this blog lately. I was thinking about posting a movie or commenting on a couple of things that she has done recently. Then in my reader feed I get the best news I have ever heard in my life! Madonna is hitting the road again and extending her "Sticky 'n Sweet" tour. I am so freaking excited! Yes, there aren't going to be any concerts in the US, but they are going to be in Europe and I have been dying to go to Europe and travel. What else could be better than touring Europe and seeing Madonna? NOTHING!!!!! The problem is money. Well, not really because I have a lot saved up but all of that is for medical school. This probably isn't going to stop me though. I have been looking at my budget and I have free money from BYU from my scholarship (I found out today that they didn't give me all of my text book money so I am getting some more money soon). I think that if I save twenty-five dollars of each pay check (I get six a month), I could totally pay for a trip this summer!

The question is now, does anyone want to go with me?

Goals

2009-01-27T15:29:00.004-05:00

I know it's a little late for New Year's Resolutions and Goals for 2009. For those of you who don't know, I'm a devout perfectionist and everything, and I mean everything, has to be perfect. It usually takes me a couple of weeks to come up with goals and perfect my plan for them. That is why I am posting them now. I now know all of my goals and I have made plans to implement them in my life.

Get at least a 35 on the MCAT
Get an interview for NYU Medical School and other medical schools of my choice
Volunteer at least once a week at a retirement center near my home
Help write a research paper, publish it, and be a coauthor
Get my health under control
Once I am allowed to exercise, get my swimmer's body back by swimming 2-3 times a week, doing yoga or pilattes everyday , playing DDR, and working out at the gym on the days I didn't swim
Be on the Dean's List every semester/term I go to school this year
Go on at least 3 dates every month unless I become serious with someone
Stay more involved in my friends' lives
Find a best friend
Read 10 books from my list of books to read
Be honest, even if the honesty could hurt someone
Continue to stay close to my family
Try to get out of my "hovel" more often and have a good time
Stay away from porn and masturbation
Develop the talents that I have
Be as positive and happy as I can! :)

Change

2009-01-27T15:07:00.002-05:00

Life has been interesting as of late. I have been thrown into a lot of social situations with old high school friends due to homecomings, farewells, and running into them on campus. There have been a lot of people who do not recognize me anymore. An example comes from last Sunday. One of my closer girl friends from high school had her missionary farewell. One best friend from high school came back from his mission that week and I hadn't had the chance to see him yet. He was there are the farewell and I went up to him, told him hello, and gave him a big hug. He looked at me quizzically and said, "Sean, is that you?" I was surprised that my old best friend didn't even recognize me anymore. I also had a couple of others who did not recognize me. I am happy that I have changed and not the same as in high school (I think I am a better person), yet at the same time, I can't help to wonder if coming out has actually changed the person that I once was.

When I first came out to my parents and some friends, I told them that I was the same old Sean that they knew and loved. Is this still true? Am I that same old person? If so, why do my old friends not recognize me anymore? If not, how am I different? What has changed about me? Why has this changed occurred? I think that my changes could also be attributed to me just living life and living in different, most likely, harder situations than all of my old high school friends. It still makes me wonder though.

PS One of my blog stalkers from high school has put a link on her page to my blog and I am getting a lot of hits from her blog. Some many, in fact, that her blog is one of the number three from where people come. That makes me happy and I wonder if my old high school friends are finding this blog.